Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Is this abusive or am I just sensitive?

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Is this abusive or am I just sensitive?

    Hi, so I'm looking for a bit of advice..

    I'd been seeing someone for two and a half years, we just broke up mid-November. We're trying to be 'friends' but it's going a bit shit tbh. Anyway, I feel like/have been told by close friends that the way he treats me (now as a 'friend' and before as a partner) is kinda verging on abusive, but I'm unsure if I'm being sensitive and they're just being biased and supportive. The only real reason I care anymore is because we are still doing the whole 'friends' thing, but his behaviour towards me hasn't changed in that he still treats me (in my opinion, at times) like crap. Let me explain..

    I'm not allowed to question him, criticize him or feel any kind of negative emotion toward him. If I become angry or upset at something he has said or done (telling me I need to go to the gym more, or making a sexist joke) or I become mad when he takes ages to reply to my texts, he will tell me that my problem is nothing, I'm being stupid, it's a nonsense problem and I have no right to have a go at him for it, that I can either get over it or piss off because he isn't dealing with my "drama". These aren't things like, he didn't take the bin out, these are things that genuinely upset me and have hurt me, like comments on my weight or the like. I can be crying in front of him, so upset by what he has said to me and he will act like I'm trying to manipulate him and play the victim. He says he has no time for my nonsense problems and that he'll give me one more chance to drop it and carry on as normal or else he's leaving/going to bed/blocking me/whatever medium happens to be appropriate to the situation we are in (like if he was staying over my place he'd go home or if we were arguing via messenger he'd block me etc). My options are basically to bottle up my pain or anger, either way.

    edit: let me clarify. it's not like he says something kinda offensive and I fall on the floor in a fit of tears. he'll say something like "I prefer thinner girls" or "I wish you went to the gym more" and I'll go silent and be kinda sad/moody and upset and he'll sense that and get kinda miffed and tell me that I'm "choosing to be offended" and he didn't do anything wrong and I need to get over it. ensue the crying. mainly over his lack of any kind of sympathy or guilt or bother about how he's made me feel.

    Other examples are like.. the other week he didn't reply to me for a few days after I had been very upset about my relationship with my mother and I communicated that to him and he basically ignored my texts for a few days. It was a running theme throughout our relationship that sometimes he'd not read texts I sent for hours or bother replying, etc., and he knew this upset me but anyway, this one time a few weeks ago I had had enough, I simply said "why do I even bother :/" because I was frustrated that our relationship and now our friendship has always been me putting so much effort in and getting very little in return. I was pissed, and wondering, why do I fucking bother anymore? He went ballistic. I got a massive paragraph of "who do you fucking think you are", telling me I'm out of order, that I'm emotionally manipulating him into replying, that I'm paranoid and crazy and if I ever talk to him like that again he's cutting me out of his life (the only 'trigger' being those 5 words). I was extremely upset and offended and he refused to apologise, telling me that I deserved to be spoken to like that because I'd "started it" and "what did you expect" and "you were asking for it". This seems like such an abusive way of thinking to me.

    He frequently will, in arguments, say something and then a few minutes later deny ever saying the thing he said. He will tell me that I'm paranoid, that I'm crazy, I'm manipulative, I'm deluded. He will outright deny doing/saying things I have proof of him saying. We spoke many times about the potential of living together, we spoke about costs, where, when, etc., but a few days before coming to sign for the property, he claimed I had misunderstood, that I was crazy for thinking he'd ever sign to rent a house at that point and that he hadn't said he would live with me. When I showed him the texts of him saying these things (because although we'd had many face to face and phone conversations over the whole of last summer about this I had no proof of those) he told me I was wrong, even though they were right there. He makes me feel like I'm crazy sometimes. He makes me doubt my memory, which has always been extremely good. He makes me feel like I'm deranged and imagined things even though my memory is telling me they were real.

    I know what gaslighting is and I've told him to stop because it feels like what he does to me and he ignored me. When I said "you have issues" he then accused me of gaslighting him. I don't feel like he respects me and he treats me like a child sometimes. We had an argument last week about how when we were together I wasn't allowed to tag him in photos of us on social media because he doesn't want people to know what he's doing with his life, etc., like he wanted to be more or less invisible on social media but since we broke up he has been posting lots of pictures of him and his other friends at university as he's studying a Masters. I was angry and hurt by it. He told me he'd count to 3 and if I hadn't stopped having a go at him by then he'd block me. I didn't stop. He blocked me. He later told me via another form of messaging that my behaviour had been unacceptable and that slowly, in time, he might be able to forgive me and we could be friends again.

    Sorry to ramble on. I suppose I want to know if it's a me thing or a him thing? Is this behaviour wrong and/or abusive or do I expect too much? Am I being a bitch? Am I being manipulative? I don't think I am and I'm sure I'm not but I'm confused. Any outsider opinions would be great as I don't feel like I can fully trust the impartial opinions of my close friends.
    Last edited by tigerkitty; February 7th, 2019, 04:14 PM.

  • #2
    tigerkitty I see red flags all over the place with your friend. Your close friends are correct. Your male friend treats you like _____.

    He engages in gaslighting you. Instead of owning his mistreatment of you, he brainwashes you into thinking that you are the stupid one, you have no right to speak up and you either shut up or exit the friendship. Instead of showing compassion, he tells you that you are dramatic. He mocks your weight. He's very mean. If you shed tears, he lacks empathy and treats you like trash. Since he threatened to leave you, let him leave. He's an _____ or a real jerk. Then he blocks you. I'd dump him if I were you.

    Since he prefers thinner girls, you should prefer a man who is honorable and knows how to treat a woman right. You need to get rid of him. He says "you choose to be offended." Wow. He's some piece of work. He's an expert at gaslighting because he always deflects, tries to change your perception and manipulates you into thinking you're the crazy one, not him. He practices psychological warfare on you. I can sniff a gaslighter from a mile away! I've had several people practice gaslighting me and I never fall into their traps anymore!

    He doesn't give you any moral support regarding how upset you were with your relationship with your mother. He's the drama king because he's not soft, compassionate and understanding. A real man is kind and supportive. Your male friend sounds awfully selfish and self-centered. Good thing he's just a friend and not a boyfriend!

    Regarding social media, I understand his preferences because I'm the same way. I don't want to be tagged nor have my photo blasted all over FB or social media. I'm a very private person. In that regard, you should abide by his wishes and if he wishes to post pics of himself and his other university friends that's his prerogative. In a way, it's good that he blocked you. You should block him and cease all contact. He's not good and a bad apple.

    I don't think you expect too much of him. I think there's a bad communication problem on his part and he lacks empathy. You can't get along with those who lack empathy. It will never work because those who lack empathy will never place themselves in your shoes in a million years. It's a lost cause. No, you're not being manipulative. Both of you are mismatched and not meant for each other.

    You need to be with a friend or boyfriend who treats you as if you matter. He is a jerk. Good riddance to him.

    You certainly can do better. Be more picky and choosy in the future. Don't settle for _____. Be with a friend or a man who knows how you treat you with RESPECT.

    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

    Comment


    • #3
      Toughen up princess!

      You get mad at him when he doesnít reply to texts.
      You get angry and hurt when he posts pictures of him and his friends on social media. He IS allowed to change his mind re what he shares on there and itís none of your business never mind something to be upset over.

      Do you treat all your friends this way? Or just him?

      So what if he said you should go to the gym more?
      If you think you should then agree with him, if you are confident in your body then shrug it off.
      But why sulk? Whatís the point of that?

      And so what if he prefers thinner girls? He is single and has a right to go for what he wants. As do you.

      But aside from all that , you donít like the guy, you dramatise a lot which he canít tolerate (and I donít blame him , I couldnít either) ,
      so why do YOU want him as a friend?

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post
        Toughen up princess!

        You get mad at him when he doesnít reply to texts.
        You get angry and hurt when he posts pictures of him and his friends on social media. He IS allowed to change his mind re what he shares on there and itís none of your business never mind something to be upset over.

        Do you treat all your friends this way? Or just him?

        So what if he said you should go to the gym more?
        If you think you should then agree with him, if you are confident in your body then shrug it off.
        But why sulk? Whatís the point of that?

        And so what if he prefers thinner girls? He is single and has a right to go for what he wants. As do you.

        But aside from all that , you donít like the guy, you dramatise a lot which he canít tolerate (and I donít blame him , I couldnít either) ,
        so why do YOU want him as a friend?
        Replies like this is why people struggle to open up about abuse. The OP has been experiencing emotional abuse from the guy in question.

        OP, please seek counselling if possible to share this experience and work towards cutting this guy out of your life.

        Comment


        • #5
          Hmm..I get that you want to feel heard, OP. But I think you're looking for that acceptance in the WRONG crowd.
          This guy is an ex. Why are you looking for acceptance or trying to remain friendly with an ex-boyfriend? Do you have shared assets lingering or shared custody/kids?
          It's fine to need acceptance. That's what friends and family are for. Social networks are important pertaining to the levels of need by any specific individual. Some people need more than others. Some need very little support overall. It's all fine and dandy.

          What's not fine and dandy is your high level of need and desire for acceptance from an unacceptable source.

          Cut your losses, gather up your socks and your walking shoes and stop having anything to do with this ex. Move on, seriously.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Reese View Post

            Replies like this is why people struggle to open up about abuse. The OP has been experiencing emotional abuse from the guy in question.

            OP, please seek counselling if possible to share this experience and work towards cutting this guy out of your life.
            What about her treatment towards him?
            Do you think itís normal to be on the receiving end of her getting mad at him simply because he didnít return a text in a time that she wanted?
            Do you think itís normal for her to be angry and hurt because he posted a few pictures of his friends on social media?

            They are not in a relationship.

            She is choosing to hang around him . She doesnít have to. She doesnít even like him. Yet she wants him to like her. Why?
            So yes I agree she should seek counselling , but not because sheís a victim of abuse , just to figure out why she creates drama and chooses to have this person in her life.

            Comment


            • #7
              I assume you ended the romantic relationship because you didn't like how you were being treated or he didn't like your sensitivity. Why should your dislikes for each other change because you are now just friends? You're a bad combination. Cut him out of your life. He's not worth the hassle.

              Are you a bit sensitive and high maintenance? It sounds like you are but that doesn't mean he isn't a jerk. Get rid of him.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post

                What about her treatment towards him?
                Do you think itís normal to be on the receiving end of her getting mad at him simply because he didnít return a text in a time that she wanted?
                Do you think itís normal for her to be angry and hurt because he posted a few pictures of his friends on social media?

                They are not in a relationship.

                She is choosing to hang around him . She doesnít have to. She doesnít even like him. Yet she wants him to like her. Why?
                So yes I agree she should seek counselling , but not because sheís a victim of abuse , just to figure out why she creates drama and chooses to have this person in her life.
                We were in a relationship, it ended roughly two months ago. Most of the examples in my OP are from when we were together.
                I know that I'm not perfect. I know that I have said some things out of line and I have apologised to him profusely for all of them. He does not and cannot apologise in return as he does not see any of his behaviour as wrong.
                I have told him that I am struggling with moving on, since it hasn't been that long since we split, and I cannot just flip a switch into 'friend' mode like he has. I've been very upfront about my issues, my problems and my behaviour. I haven't tried to act the victim or think I'm blameless in the slightest, but I do acknowledge my faults and apologise. I'm kinda just looking for the same in return.

                I do like him. Where did I say I didn't? He treats me like crap sometimes but he has been a support to me in the past and we've had a lot of fun times together.
                I do not create drama. Where have I ever created drama in what I said? You're very rude making sweeping statements about my behaviour.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
                  Hmm..I get that you want to feel heard, OP. But I think you're looking for that acceptance in the WRONG crowd.
                  This guy is an ex. Why are you looking for acceptance or trying to remain friendly with an ex-boyfriend? Do you have shared assets lingering or shared custody/kids?
                  It's fine to need acceptance. That's what friends and family are for. Social networks are important pertaining to the levels of need by any specific individual. Some people need more than others. Some need very little support overall. It's all fine and dandy.

                  What's not fine and dandy is your high level of need and desire for acceptance from an unacceptable source.

                  Cut your losses, gather up your socks and your walking shoes and stop having anything to do with this ex. Move on, seriously.
                  You're right, I think I do seek acceptance from him. I don't think I ever got it during our relationship and I have some lingering resentment about that now that it's over. Our relationship felt very neglectful in an emotional/affectionate aspect.
                  We have no shared assets, we live far apart now. I don't have really any other sources of support (complications with family relations) which I think makes it so hard to move on. Moving on means being alone. I know that isn't an acceptable way to think though. I appreciate your insight. Thank you!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by chanelle View Post
                    tigerkitty I see red flags all over the place with your friend. Your close friends are correct. Your male friend treats you like _____.

                    He engages in gaslighting you. Instead of owning his mistreatment of you, he brainwashes you into thinking that you are the stupid one, you have no right to speak up and you either shut up or exit the friendship. Instead of showing compassion, he tells you that you are dramatic. He mocks your weight. He's very mean. If you shed tears, he lacks empathy and treats you like trash. Since he threatened to leave you, let him leave. He's an _____ or a real jerk. Then he blocks you. I'd dump him if I were you.

                    Since he prefers thinner girls, you should prefer a man who is honorable and knows how to treat a woman right. You need to get rid of him. He says "you choose to be offended." Wow. He's some piece of work. He's an expert at gaslighting because he always deflects, tries to change your perception and manipulates you into thinking you're the crazy one, not him. He practices psychological warfare on you. I can sniff a gaslighter from a mile away! I've had several people practice gaslighting me and I never fall into their traps anymore!

                    He doesn't give you any moral support regarding how upset you were with your relationship with your mother. He's the drama king because he's not soft, compassionate and understanding. A real man is kind and supportive. Your male friend sounds awfully selfish and self-centered. Good thing he's just a friend and not a boyfriend!

                    Regarding social media, I understand his preferences because I'm the same way. I don't want to be tagged nor have my photo blasted all over FB or social media. I'm a very private person. In that regard, you should abide by his wishes and if he wishes to post pics of himself and his other university friends that's his prerogative. In a way, it's good that he blocked you. You should block him and cease all contact. He's not good and a bad apple.

                    I don't think you expect too much of him. I think there's a bad communication problem on his part and he lacks empathy. You can't get along with those who lack empathy. It will never work because those who lack empathy will never place themselves in your shoes in a million years. It's a lost cause. No, you're not being manipulative. Both of you are mismatched and not meant for each other.

                    You need to be with a friend or boyfriend who treats you as if you matter. He is a jerk. Good riddance to him.

                    You certainly can do better. Be more picky and choosy in the future. Don't settle for _____. Be with a friend or a man who knows how you treat you with RESPECT.
                    I think the empathy thing is spot on. He's told me before he has no empathy, he feels nothing. He had a bad relationship in the past that he claims made him cold and unfeeling. He hates it when I get upset because he can't understand or fathom why I'm choosing to be sad. I suppose I'm finding it hard to move on because he was also my best friend. I find it very hard to open up to people generally and my "close friends" who told me he was abusive amount to my cousin and one internet friend. I know I need to be more self-reliant and work on my own self-esteem before meeting someone else though. I'm just worried it won't happen in time. I'm 28 and not getting any younger!

                    I appreciate your input and your kind words. Thank you so much.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by tigerkitty View Post

                      We were in a relationship, it ended roughly two months ago. Most of the examples in my OP are from when we were together.
                      I know that I'm not perfect. I know that I have said some things out of line and I have apologised to him profusely for all of them. He does not and cannot apologise in return as he does not see any of his behaviour as wrong.
                      I have told him that I am struggling with moving on, since it hasn't been that long since we split, and I cannot just flip a switch into 'friend' mode like he has. I've been very upfront about my issues, my problems and my behaviour. I haven't tried to act the victim or think I'm blameless in the slightest, but I do acknowledge my faults and apologise. I'm kinda just looking for the same in return.

                      I do like him. Where did I say I didn't? He treats me like crap sometimes but he has been a support to me in the past and we've had a lot of fun times together.
                      I do not create drama. Where have I ever created drama in what I said? You're very rude making sweeping statements about my behaviour.
                      What are you apologising profusely for exactly?
                      And what are you expecting him to apologise for?

                      You cant agree to be friends with an ex until you gave grieved the loss.
                      You have now admitted you havenít done that. I suspect he checked out before you did. And thatís why he is cool to be ďfriendsĒ and why he is comfortable to tell you what kind of chick he is interested in , skinny or otherwise.
                      You in turn get upset about that and call it abusive.

                      You didnt specifically say you donít like him.
                      But everything in your post suggests you donít.
                      And now you are defending the person you created a thread about titled ďis this abusive or am I just sensitive?Ē

                      If you think he is abusive then donít seek his friendship!
                      He blocked you!!! Not the other way around.

                      Accept that and move on.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post

                        What are you apologising profusely for exactly?
                        And what are you expecting him to apologise for?

                        You cant agree to be friends with an ex until you gave grieved the loss.
                        You have now admitted you havenít done that. I suspect he checked out before you did. And thatís why he is cool to be ďfriendsĒ and why he is comfortable to tell you what kind of chick he is interested in , skinny or otherwise.
                        You in turn get upset about that and call it abusive.

                        You didnt specifically say you donít like him.
                        But everything in your post suggests you donít.
                        And now you are defending the person you created a thread about titled ďis this abusive or am I just sensitive?Ē

                        If you think he is abusive then donít seek his friendship!
                        He blocked you!!! Not the other way around.

                        Accept that and move on.
                        I apologised for being mad that he put pictures on FB, or for being mad over his reply times. I was sorry for speaking to him in a negative way and I wanted an apology for being called paranoid, manipulative, crazy, deluded, for being told "who do you fucking think you are", for swearing at me and talking to me like garbage. Let me also point out that I did not swear or send aggressive messages when I was mad. I said things along the lines of "why do I bother", as stated. I wanted him to be sorry for telling me that I deserved to be spoken to like garbage.

                        He told me he preferred skinnier girls when we had been together around a year. We didn't break up til we hit the two and a half year mark. All of the comments on my weight were made during our relationship. I don't and have not called him commenting on my weight abusive? Where did I? I am talking as a whole, as a person, is he abusive towards me? Not a few comments on my weight. Please don't place words in my mouth that I have no said. I am asking people if they believe this behaviour to be abusive, as I do not know and am not sure. That's the whole point of this thread..

                        I don't like the way he treats me, no. I don't think anybody would. We were friends briefly before we dated and I can say that as a friend, as a person with whom you would have a purely platonic friendship with he is a funny, likeable person. The way he treated me during and after our relationship is not a sum of who he is. I like him as a person if you take away the way he has treated me. I'm not defending anyone. I'm merely able to see that the way he treats me does not equate to who he is as a whole.

                        Also, to clarify the whole me having an issue with him not replying quick enough, let me just clear that up right here.
                        My mother is, occasionally, verbally abusive towards me on the occasions that I visit my family home. I visited my family home over Christmas. We had been broken up around a month. He knows my relationship with my mother is not the best. He is the one who has pushed for us to be friends post-break-up. He's made it clear many times he does not want me out of his life and wishes we could remain good friends. I said I wasn't sure if I could do that, but I'd give it a try. He told me he cares for me a lot and I'm the person he cares most about/is most important to him in his life. I messaged him about my mother being verbally abusive towards me. I was extremely upset, stressed and feeling quite depressed. He took four days to reply to me, and he only did because I asked why he hadn't replied to me. He told me that, "there wasn't anything to say", "we knew she'd act like this, "there was nothing to really reply to". I got upset and angry that this person who was meant to care so much for me, didn't think my pain or upset was worth acknowledging.

                        ^ Just to clarify that I am not a princess who needs replies within a specific time frame. I'm a human being who expected their 'friend' to be there for them.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          So basically your ďfriendĒ doesnít live up to your expectations.
                          So unfriend him.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post
                            So basically your ďfriendĒ doesnít live up to your expectations.
                            So unfriend him.
                            "My expectations"? I think showing compassion, kindness and sympathy in times of need are everybody's expectations of their friends.

                            You seem to be confused. This thread is asking people for advice on whether this guy was abusive or not. It is not asking whether I should move on or remain his friend.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Hi, I would have said more but a lot has been said. I hear your pain and your hurt. I hear how hard this has been. I am sorry. I applaud you for being so honest, for your willingness to be open and vulnerable. Let me share this with you. Whether a relationship is friends, parthers, siblings, etc., it always needs a foundation of love and respect. It is never OK to attack a person or say things that are hurtful, insensitive or unloving. There is a way to speak the truth. You need to ask yourself if this relationship is healthy for you at this time in your life. If you think it is, it is up to you to communicate with each other about the problems and see if you can resolve them. You both have to be willing to listen to each other and be willing to see the other person's points.....and decide if those points are valid and points that you should own. If this is not a healthy relationship, it may be time to let this go. If you spend a lot of days feeling bad about the friendship and feeling bad about yourself, it may not be what is good for you. You might want to talk to a counselor and start to work through the pain and confusion you carry. You want to be able to heal from the pain and also learn from this.....no matter the outcome of your relationship with him. Always weigh a relationship against LOVE and RESPECT.....it tells a lot about the other person and it tells you a lot about yourself. If a relationship does not have these two things as a foundation, it can easily crumble. I wish you well.

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X