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Should I Try Again?

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  • Should I Try Again?

    So I met a girl and we dated for 6 months. I'm 30 and I've had a number of relationship, some serious, some casual but this girl was the first girl that I've ever really felt truly comfortable around, I felt like I could be myself around her without fear of losing her with my dorky behaviour. She seemed to thrive off it and very quickly started to fall for me.

    After about 2 months into it I started to feel certain things about her that I didn't quite understand. My gut was telling me something wasn't quite right.

    For example:
    • I felt like her emotions weren't genuine when she was upset, it felt like they were forced to gain my attention and as soon as that attention was given she would be completely fine.
    • She would text me constantly when we weren't together 4 / 5 messages at time until I responded but these messages would never be related, it would be a new conversational branch. There was never an end to a conversation.
    • She would send me nudes over text quite regularly and then complain if I didn't compliment her saying that I don't like her nudes etc.
    • Then there was the sex. Even though the sex was fun I always felt like she never enjoyed it (even though she made out she did). It felt like she just wanted it over with even though she initiated 90% of the time. Whenever I brought it up she would deny it and say I was being silly but the feeling like I wasn't satisfying her never went away.
    • She would also have random anxiety attacks and then look at me in such a way that made me felt like she was only doing it for attention. I could be wrong but again all this was a weird feeling I was getting by the look in her eyes.

    When I started to noticed these things I started to question whether this could actually go anywhere. I decided it was probably for the best if we broke it off so I did, or at least tried to.

    As soon as I started to have the conversation with her I regretted it, after all, I really enjoyed spending time with her and I was so incredibly comfortable around her. We decided to give it a go a bit longer and see how we felt.

    About a month later I ended it again saying it wasn't right, my feelings weren't there for some reason and she was pushing me for relationship status. About a week later she got back in touch and after some discussion we tried again, then she ended it, then we got back in touch again and then I ended it again. This happened a few times over the space of the next 3 months.

    During this time a lot of things came to light, we were very open and honest about our feelings for each other and through conversations I found out that she sometimes doesn't enjoy sex because she at times she feels physical pain from it because of what's going on in her head. She said something has happened to her but she doesn't want to make herself vulnerable by talking about it. I believe she has some sort of psychological issues but I don't know what, on the face of it she seems like a very smart confident girl.

    So the last time we were having sex she just stopped us half way through and gave me no explanation as to why until about 3 days later when I found out it was because she felt this pain. This was ultimately the breaking point for me because I just couldn't see myself having to deal with everything I had noticed for the rest of my life.

    Then to top everything off she decided to change her hairstyle and dye it pink, which is so far removed from what I'm attracted to it makes it near impossible for me to feel romantically towards her, the attraction just isn't there anymore.

    Anyway, it's now been 2 weeks since we last spoke and everyday I think about messaging her to try again. It makes no sense, I've just written all that above but I still want to be near her.

    I don't know whether I'm just lonely and fearful that I won't meet someone who makes me feel some comfortable again or if I genuinely need her in my life. I don't have much luck with women, the ones I like just don't like me and it's rare that I come across someone I'm physically and emotionally attracted to who likes me as well.

    Any thoughts would be appreciated, I'm so confused.


  • #2
    Well, if your goal is to find someone you would be compatible with long term, this isn't the one. You've broken up several times in the first few months of dating. I think that's a clear enough indicator that you are not meant to be, and should throw in the towel before investing more of your time on this woman.

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    • #3
      It could go both ways but I think you'd benefit not rushing into any concrete decision. If you enjoy her company, it doesn't have to be in a relationship/committed relationship sense. Slow your roll and think outside the box. Take your time and get to know each other as friends. Hang out as friends but don't become overly involved in her health or her personal decisions. Take your time and get to know each other a bit better. Clear the confusion and add more clarity with more information gathering and experience as individuals/learning about each other.

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      • #4
        helpme You've already broken up with her multiple times and you've explained why both of you are incompatible. I'd give it up and move forward with your life. Choose a woman who isn't weird, less maintenance and hopefully both of you can have a normal, harmonious and respectful rapport. She is not for you.

        Since you don't have luck with women, take a break from women and work on yourself. Get fit because a sound body will help you give you a sound mind connection. You can think with clarity. Eat healthy.

        Work on your psychological issues. If you need to improve your personality and character, work on that. Women are attracted to self-confident (yet not cocky) men who have their act together. They don't like needy men. (Men don't like needy women either.) Become your own man or your own person. This is how you attract women to you. In your mind, become independent, strong and wise because this is a magnet for women.

        Also, if you find difficulty finding the right woman, you need to think which type of women are attracted to certain men. Naturally, you'll find more eligible women (in character / personality) attracted to men who are similar to them in how their behaviors are, how they communicate both verbally and written, how they are morally and they have certain high standards and values they uphold. If these are the type of women you want, you need to change the way you think and act and do so with all sincerity. Also, you can't be pretentious and charming because people (or women) will eventually become perceptive enough to sniff out a phony. If you want a classy woman, then you need to become that classy man to attract them. You're looking at all the wrong places and you need to change yourself if you want that dream girl.

        Birds of a feather flock together.
        "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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        • #5
          You would be wise to go cold turkey with this one. Whatever it is between you is not healthy.
          ​​
          I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

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          • #6
            Thanks for your responses.

            Just to clarify a few things the reasons I broke it off was because, as much as a like her, the doubts I have make me question how far this could go. I'm 30 and I don't want to get into another relationship that I'm not sure about if I have a feeling it won't last. I don't want to get into this and then us break up in 2 or 3 years when I felt something wasn't right at the beginning.

            The reasons she broke it off a couple of times was because she got fed up of waiting for me to make a decision about us. She is really into me but everyday it goes on hurts her even more. Each time we broke it off it only took a few days for us to start up a conversation again and get back with each other.

            It's been over 2 weeks now and this is the longest we have gone without speaking but I think about her everyday.

            When I say I don't have much luck with women what I mean is I only seem to be attracted to girls that are physically out of my league. I am in great shape, I go to the gym 4 times a week and I get compliments about my physique all the time but the types of girls I like just don't like how I look. I can't grow a beard, I'm pale and my hair isn't great now that it's thinning. You might tell me to shave my hair or whatever but with my pale complexion, strange head shape and no beard I just imagine I'd look incredibly unattractive. My hair is my biggest insecurity and she just accepted it, she laughed at it and stuff but it was more of a loving joke rather than an insult.

            I think about how I can meet someone else to see if that changes how I feel but these days tinder just shuts me out after a few weeks when it realises girls don't swipe me that much and I generally don't meet people in day to day life so my dating pool is somewhat limited at best.

            The girl I'm talking to you all about is super hot and we get on really well but that feeling of love isn't there for me because of the things I've mentioned. I feel like an idiot for walking away and I question whether I could look past the mental issues, pink hair etc but I'm scared of commiting and wasting another few years of my life if it ultimately won't work out.

            I want to settle down but I don't want to settle.

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            • #7
              Sounds like you are the only one with the problems here. You are creating issues with her that aren't there. The pink hair thing? You were just being very shallow there. You're too overly paranoid and critical of everything and its making your relationships toxic. You are far too negative. Lighten up and enjoy your relationships instead of picking them apart and over analyzing every little thing about them. If you keep doing what you are doing, you are going to be alone for a long time.
              I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

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              • #8
                She's not for you, OP.
                Grow a pair, will you, and cut the girl loose. It's pathetic the way you're going on an on about yourself and stringing her along. I'm not saying this to hurt you but to explain to you how unattractive your outlook is. You are self-actualized and you know what you like and what you don't like. This is not a full blown relationship(no commitment) and the large gist of it is that you dislike your hair and don't think you can do any better at 30.

                Forget the pink hair or no hair issues and move on. You are absolutely entitled to not like pink hair or your own hair. Just stop inconveniencing other people while you're at it.
                Last edited by Rose Mosse; January 31st, 2019, 11:51 AM.

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                • #9
                  I knew someone would say I was shallow for saying that.

                  I think most people would agree there has to be some physical attraction between two people. She went from having gorgeous long blonde hair to a pink full cut fringed bob, it's a pretty drastic change and it's really not my taste. That doesn't make me shallow and that isn't even the reason for breaking it off, she actually made that change to her hair long after I first brought up how I was feeling.

                  My main concern with it all is that I don't have that "feeling" for her because of the behaviour I've seen from her. How she acts at certain times, whether it be the anxiety, the neediness or the sexual issues are these things put me off and are stopping me from loving her. These are the things that are making me question whether I could live with all those issues long term. Having those thoughts doesn't mean I have a problem, I'm just trying to be sure that I'm doing the right thing.

                  The most frustrating part is that even though I don't think I could live with everything I mentioned I don't want to lose her either, we connected really well and were so comfortable around each other. If we hadn't have been like that then I wouldn't be even typing this out, I would have just walked away but for some reason I can't.
                  Last edited by helpme; January 31st, 2019, 12:09 PM.

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                  • #10
                    I'm not sure if you're unusually slow or if you don't read well. I acknowledged that you are entitled to what you think is attractive. Your problem is that you seem to be unconcerned about inconveniencing someone who wants more out of you (and you are too confused to give).

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by helpme View Post
                      I knew someone would say I was shallow for saying that.

                      I think most people would agree there has to be some physical attraction between two people. She went from having gorgeous long blonde hair to a pink full cut fringed bob, it's a pretty drastic change and it's really not my taste. That doesn't make me shallow and that isn't even the reason for breaking it off, she actually made that change to her hair long after I first brought up how I was feeling.

                      My main concern with it all is that I don't have that "feeling" for her because of the behaviour I've seen from her. How she acts at certain times, whether it be the anxiety, the neediness or the sexual issues are these things put me off and are stopping me from loving her. These are the things that are making me question whether I could live with all those issues long term. Having those thoughts doesn't mean I have a problem, I'm just trying to be sure that I'm doing the right thing.

                      The most frustrating part is that even though I don't think I could live with everything I mentioned I don't want to lose her either, we connected really well and were so comfortable around each other. If we hadn't have been like that then I wouldn't be even typing this out, I would have just walked away but for some reason I can't.

                      The problems here are yours not hers. You are very shallow but you can't seem to see yourself at fault here at all. For her sake, don't get back in touch. It doesn't matter how into you she is, you are not good for her. Maybe you should've supported her with her issues instead of picking her apart and holding them against her. She's better off without you.
                      Last edited by Dazed & Confused; January 31st, 2019, 04:33 PM.
                      I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        As long as you keep making up with her , you will keep breaking up with her.

                        Time to break the cycle.

                        You didnít connect with her at all, never mind well!
                        Simply having comfortable and fun times with someone is not a connection. Itís just a good day.

                        Dont waste your time wishing she was someone else.

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                        • #13
                          What a load of rubbish. Everyone jumping all over you for not liking her hair cut. Pffft. All these people are defending her and blaming you, but you're absolutely justified in feeling the way you do. Honestly she sounds like a nightmare. She feels physical pain during sex FROM WHATS GOING ON IN HER HEAD? Ummm... thats absolutely crazy. She sounds like a nutcase. I'd run

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by deadelvis View Post
                            What a load of rubbish. Everyone jumping all over you for not liking her hair cut. Pffft. All these people are defending her and blaming you, but you're absolutely justified in feeling the way you do. Honestly she sounds like a nightmare. She feels physical pain during sex FROM WHATS GOING ON IN HER HEAD? Ummm... thats absolutely crazy. She sounds like a nutcase. I'd run
                            They arenít defending her because she has pink hair , they are highlighting the fact that itís a bit shallow of him to even mention it.
                            He listed all the things he doesnít like including pink hair.
                            The OP is the one that made pink hair of significance not the responders.

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                            • #15
                              But everyone is focusing on that relatively pointless detail. The bigger picture here is she sounds completely insane. Nobody is even going to comment on the craziest part of the original post... "she feels physical pain (from sex) because of what's going on in her head"
                              That speaks volumes about how completely nuts this chick is, not to mention the fake anxiety attacks and weird needy behavior. Everyone is jumping on OP for not liking her haircut but ignoring the real issue. This woman is mentally unstable.

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