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Wife is ready for a divorce!! I am trying to get her back

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  • Wife is ready for a divorce!! I am trying to get her back

    Hi all,

    So me and my wife had a lot of difficulties in our marriage in the past year, since we started living together. We fought a lot and the therapist calls it a power struggle type of relationship. She recently found out that I cheated on her 8 months ago with a fling because she found a video of me having sex with another girl. I made a mistake 8 months ago and I forgot to delete the video and she finally caught up to it recently and decided to dump me right away and told me that she wants a divorce. During our relationship, I faced verbal abuse from her and I physically abused her twice. once I slapped her back when she slapped me like three time and the second time i hit her with a pillow. I think a lot of resentment was the cause our marriage to break apart and the cheating made it even worse to a point where now she is un happy and tells me that she doesn't love me and that she wants to move on. Me and my parents and her family got together to solve the issue but she is strong on her word so far. Eventually, the families agreed on giving each other a month break to decide if that is the final decision or not. During this month we should have no contact.

    Today, it's one week in and i noticed she removed or hide our pictures on facebook including our married photos. That made me feel like she is moving on and I feel like I should keep no hope for the end of the month for her to change her mind. After the news of divorce, I went through hell in the last couple of weeks. I really love her and I know I made a lot of mistakes and that I need to fix myself. And I v already started fixing my self, I am taking personal therapy twice a week. But She is not willing to listen to me and she rather not be with me. So during this one month I am thinking of writing a long email that explains where i went wrong and what I can do to fix the marriage and hope that she will give me a chance. Valentines day is coming up, I am thinking of sending her flowers to work with a note and send her a long email the same day.

    What do you guys think ?



  • #2
    sk1989 What do I think? I think writing a long email would be an effort in futility. She already knows where you went wrong and I doubt the marriage is fixable. I doubt she'll give you a second chance. Once bitten, twice shy. With Valentine's Day coming up, no, don't send flowers with a note to her workplace nor send her a long email the same day. Are you nuts? There is no way in hell she'll take you back. Not after she found out that you cheated on her 8 months ago and found a video of you having sex with another girl. Are you for real? I'm not surprised in the least that she decided to dump you right away. She did the right thing. You faced verbally abused her and you physically abused her twice.

    It's time for a divorce. All you can do is learn from this very bad experience of yours and be a better man in your future relationship with someone else. Cut her loose so she can be with a real man who will be good to her, treat her right, give her the respect and love she truly deserves.
    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

    Comment


    • #3
      chanelle

      I know what you mean but at the same time you have to understand that we are married. We been through a lot, we worked hard to get where we are right now. I still love her and I know that if she gives me a chance, I will change and I would respect her more and treat her like the way she deserves to be treated. I wan to make her really happy. I am a human being and human beings make mistakes. We had a bad sex life and I got tempted into it once and I felt for it.

      I don't see whats wrong with sending her flowers and a note explaining even though she might say no, at least I am trying to fix the problem.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by sk1989 View Post
        chanelle

        I know what you mean but at the same time you have to understand that we are married. We been through a lot, we worked hard to get where we are right now. I still love her and I know that if she gives me a chance, I will change and I would respect her more and treat her like the way she deserves to be treated. I wan to make her really happy. I am a human being and human beings make mistakes. We had a bad sex life and I got tempted into it once and I felt for it.

        I don't see whats wrong with sending her flowers and a note explaining even though she might say no, at least I am trying to fix the problem.
        sk1989 You can go ahead and send her flowers with a note and long email but don't have any high hopes. Lower your expectations. It's really difficult if not impossible to regain trust after you cheat because it's the same as deception, betrayal and it's a form of lying, too which people normally don't recover from. They'll eventually forgive (sometimes) because they want to move on without you. Why? For obvious reasons such as preventing future avoidable pain, hurt and they don't wish to repeat those hard feelings ever again for the rest of their lives. It is human nature.
        "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

        Comment


        • #5
          sk1989 So basically, right after you started living together together you jumped into bed with another woman and taped it? I'm assuming you got married just before you started living together? Don't ever expect her to forgive something like that. In all honesty, i wouldn't want to stay married to you either. You're a cheater and abusive (no excuses for that). Your behavior is and has been appalling and you don't even feel guilty for what you did. You say your only mistake was not deleting your sex video. You're only regret is getting caught. Respect her wishes and let her go. She's done with you and rightly so. You don't deserve another chance and you will never get one. Don't bother with the email, she wont read it. Don't bother with flowers and a note because she already knows what a cheating low life you are and again she wont read it. You cant fix this one. You've burned your bridges. Leave her alone.
          Last edited by Dazed & Confused; January 29th, 2019, 06:34 AM.
          I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

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          • #6
            Dazed & Confused


            My apologies if i didn't sound like I regretted the cheating part. I feel really shitty about it, I learned a life lesson where I will never going to do such behavior again, I know I dis-respected my wife. I v been feeling shitty about it for the past month now. Also, at the same time, I had a rough relationship, we had in compatibilities in sexual desire, and empathy. I am more emotional than her. But at the same time, I love her so much and I know me cheating on her was messed up on my part, I apologized to her and her whole entire family.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by sk1989 View Post
              Dazed & Confused


              My apologies if i didn't sound like I regretted the cheating part. I feel really shitty about it, I learned a life lesson where I will never going to do such behavior again, I know I dis-respected my wife. I v been feeling shitty about it for the past month now. Also, at the same time, I had a rough relationship, we had in compatibilities in sexual desire, and empathy. I am more emotional than her. But at the same time, I love her so much and I know me cheating on her was messed up on my part, I apologized to her and her whole entire family.
              You are just going to have to accept that it's over. You well and truly blew it. Apologizing over and over is not going to make it go away. You did what you did and you enjoyed it. Sexual incompatibility is no excuse for what you did. Your regret now doesn't matter and it doesn't matter how much you say you wont do it again, the damage has been done. That trust is gone.
              Last edited by Dazed & Confused; January 29th, 2019, 09:25 AM.
              I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

              Comment


              • #8
                Try to figure out what led to the cheating for yourself. As far as the marriage, it takes two to tango. She has a right to opt out. You both need to respect the other even though I know it's very painful for both of you right now. You both may benefit from separation or a bit of space to clear your minds. I wouldn't overcrowd your wife if she is not receptive to your romantic overtures and gestures at the moment. Practice some patience if you can.

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                • #9
                  Rose Mosse

                  It was my un happiness at the time caused me to cheat and my reckless behavior and revenge to get back at her sub consciously. But with the time off from her and after all this happened, i v realized that my un happiness was caused by the lack of self control and lack of patient. I pushed her to the boundaries in all fights which caused her to be un happy as well. I v realized that I could have been more patient and positive. These realizations changed me, i found importance for family, importance of stability in life, and the importance of emotional balance in life. I don't want her back just like that, I want her to know I v changed a lot, specifically my believes.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by sk1989 View Post
                    Rose Mosse

                    It was my un happiness at the time caused me to cheat and my reckless behavior and revenge to get back at her sub consciously. But with the time off from her and after all this happened, i v realized that my un happiness was caused by the lack of self control and lack of patient. I pushed her to the boundaries in all fights which caused her to be un happy as well. I v realized that I could have been more patient and positive. These realizations changed me, i found importance for family, importance of stability in life, and the importance of emotional balance in life. I don't want her back just like that, I want her to know I v changed a lot, specifically my believes.
                    It's too little too late in my opinion. What if you feel you unhapppy again down the line and feel the need to cheat again? This is what will always be in her head. She won't be able to trust you anymore. Just give her the divorce that she wants and move on.
                    ​​​​​
                    I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      You say you & your family & her parents are working on getting her back. Do they know about the sex video?
                      You crossed the line big time with that & your wife is right in her actions. Let her go!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        OP, I think it's fine to know the right direction from now onwards that you want to take but at some point you'll also have to learn to respect the wishes of your partner or any loved one. I think you're still at war with yourself (what you want vs what you know may be best). It's good that you've gone on this journey and found some new realizations about yourself but you should also be leaving room for others to make realizations of their own. If her realization is not to be with you, it might not be in your best interests to keep pushing for an outcome that is unrealistic or not viable. Be realistic and learn to respect what she wants too.

                        Your journey doesn't have to end with the end of a relationship. You may be fearful that it does or that by not being given a second chance, that you have no hope in yourself. Try not to go down that route. I feel like you are operating on fears of what if and if she doesn't give you a second chance or your marriage another chance, you will lose hope in your own future. The journey keeps going. Look further than that. It's hard to visualize life past failures but it does go on.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          sk1989 You can be remorseful all you want but groveling isn't going to work which you may not like but you have to accept it.

                          There are certain offenses in human relationships which are both unforgivable and unforgettable. The only way victims can heal and gradually recover from deceit, betrayal, lying, cheating, and / or gaslighting is to part ways and start fresh without you. What it does are two things: They're trying to go the "out of sight out of mind" route and begin to surround themselves with people who are moral, honorable, trustworthy, share same values and beliefs when it comes to treating each other with respect and dignity. Offended, humiliated people will enforce healthy boundaries with you forever. They're very steadfast and unwavering so never underestimate permanent harsh consequences.

                          Consider this time to think long and hard, reflect, do your own soul searching, figure out what type of man you choose to be and give yourself a break from people. Learn how to be a better man so you can look at yourself in the mirror tomorrow morning knowing you've improved and so others can admire and trust you even when they're not looking.

                          Teach yourself to change the way you think, exercise self-control and learn how to be a conscientious person.
                          "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            you guys are really harsh. I get that I need to do some soul searching and that I need find my own happiness. But at the same time we loved each other a lot to the point where I don't think I can ever find a perfect girl like that for me. I v heard relationships can heal after cheating, its not always no return moment. If she does love me enough then she might give me a chance. I am at complete self realization now and I am very confident that I will change to new person with her in my life and make a healthier relationship.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by sk1989 View Post
                              you guys are really harsh. I get that I need to do some soul searching and that I need find my own happiness. But at the same time we loved each other a lot to the point where I don't think I can ever find a perfect girl like that for me. I v heard relationships can heal after cheating, its not always no return moment. If she does love me enough then she might give me a chance. I am at complete self realization now and I am very confident that I will change to new person with her in my life and make a healthier relationship.
                              We are just telling you the truth. What you did was appalling and unforgivable. She has asked for a divorce so that tells you where she is. She's done with your marriage I'm afraid. There is no going back. It's very rare that a relationship heals after cheating, but you went as far as making a sex tape, wtf? You didn't just fall into bed with this girl in a moment of weakness, it was clearly planned out enough to make an actual tape of it. You don't deserve a pat on the back here. No one agrees with your behavior. You seem to be very deluded in believing you have a chance at getting her back, but you don't. You'll soon realize we were right.
                              Last edited by Dazed & Confused; January 30th, 2019, 05:06 AM.
                              I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

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