Winning a Girl Back After a Breakup (w/ a twist) - Help Needed

[LordRAR]

Hello!
I find myself in a hard and hurtful situation and I cannot get through this on my own. I am seeking the advice of anyone who can help.

Short Story:
My ex broke up with with no indication of getting back together. She wanted nothing to do with me. She refused to talk to me and repeatedly said that she was through with me. Broken and hurt, I allowed myself to get into a non-emotional sexual encounter with another girl. Something I regretted immediately and left quickly. My ex decided to rekindle things between us the next morning. After we're got back together, she left me when she found out what I did. I want her back. I love her and have never felt this way with anyone else.

Questions:
What should I do to try to win her back? Am I really the evil guy for making this mistake during this breakup period? Am I the only one to blame? Is there even a possibility that things could work themselves out?

Long & Detailed Version:
For privacy concerns, I changed the names in the story. My name is John Smith and my girlfriend’s name is Jane Doe. I found the perfect girl 2 years and 8 months ago. We are both in the Army; however she is in the enlisted ranks and I am in the officer ranks. Because of the policies set in place within our organization, we have kept our relationship a secret. During this time, we experienced our share of issues and heartbreaks. She broke up with a few times in our relationship but I would always bring us back together. Never once did I feel I would lose her. She is the love of my life and no issue could keep us apart. A few days ago (Monday), an issue set in that tore us apart. She wanted to take my dog to work with her during an 8 hour shift to which I was uncomfortable with the idea. My dog, Leia, is a pitbull-golden retriever mix and is the gentlest dog around.

However, I did not trust the kids my girlfriend worked with as she works with troubled youth on the military base I work on. I explained that dogs are not allowed on base, Leia is not registered, she shouldn’t be around kids, and the 8+ hour shift is a long time period for a 2 year old dog to be out and about. I told her I was uncomfortable with the situation. My girlfriend told me in an angry manner that I did not trust her to take care of my dog and that I did not trust her judgement. I explained that that was not the case. She insisted that I did not trust her and that she couldn’t be with someone that she couldn’t trust and that we are over with. She broke up with (via a phone conversation) right there. I tried calling her back and she kept hanging up on me. She sent me a text explaining that we are finished because I cannot trust her and that she wanted nothing to do with me. I decided to try calling her back some time later hoping that she was clam and more collected, but when she answered, she was a different person; one that I had never met. She answered shouting the following (on speaker), “Captain Smith! This is very inappropriate. It is inappropriate to call me on my personal number to talk about your problems.” This response from her took me by surprise as we have done everything to hide our military status from others. She said this in a public place and put me on the spot. All I could do was hang up. For some reason, this break up was different than the other ones. I had a strong sense that we were completely done and there was no going back. My heart was broken and I was in a serious dark place mentally and emotionally.

That night (Monday night), I decided to bring flowers to her place of work so that when she got off work we could talk through these issues as adults. I waited for her and upon seeing her get into her car, she decided to drive over to the base bar and relief her stress. I wanted outside with my flowers, as I did not want to cause drama inside the bar. When she wasn’t coming out after an hour, I decided to leave her flowers in her car where she would see them as soon as she entered her car (she always leaves her doors unlocked). As I get back into my car, I see her walk outside and towards her car with another man. I immediately get knots in my stomach as I assumed the worse. The guy drives her car away and I assume she is in the passenger seat. I left the base to go home; distraught from what I saw and the thoughts that developed thereafter. I was not only crying, but yelling in my car out of frustration, depression, and sorrow. I didn’t know what to do or who to turn to. On the way home, I decided to send a message to an ex-girlfriend of mine via Instagram. I was looking for someone to talk to, someone to tell me I didn’t cause any of this. My ex decided to meet up with me and while on the way to see her, I received a phone call from Jane Doe. She is intoxicated beyond belief and slurring her words. I asked if she was ok, and if she was at home. She said no, that she was going to sleep at the base where she worked. I told her I would come by and take her home and take care of her. She said no, and reminded me that we could not be together. It was at this point that I was asking for 10mins of her time, in person the following morning, to explain myself and prove to her via actions how much I love her and that I want to be with her.

Instead of saying anything, a stranger’s voice comes on the phone (a male’s voice) and starts saying “get off the phone” and moves the phone out of her hand. The next sounds I hear are muffled noises. Again, my knots are back in my stomach. I decided to meet up with my ex. I started regretting meeting up with her before I see her. I felt guilty about seeing her. Once we met, we started talking, trying to get my mind off what I was feeling. The issue was, my ex kissed me. I felt uncomfortable about it and guilty but that didn’t stop what came next. After we finished having sex (which was quick and void of emotion), I wanted to rush her home as I felt terrible about what I did. I took her home from the spot we met at and I rushed home to shower and cleanse my body of my shame. I regretted everything and fell asleep that way (it was now Tuesday at 1am). I woke up in the morning at 8am to a phone call from Jane Doe. She wanted to know if I was interested in meeting up for breakfast. She was going to give me my 10mins that I had been begging for but she had denied the prior day. I went to the IHOP where she was at and we rekindled our relationship. I was walking on water but felt guilty about my actions with my ex. Once I got home, I received a message from my ex via Instagram regarding a conversation we had after our meet up. She said that she was going to take a pill to avoid any “surprises.” An hour later, I get a call from Jane Doe crying and screaming at me. When she got home, she decided to get into my social media accounts to “checkup” on me and saw these messages to my ex. She screamed at me for cheating on me and another fight ensued. I drove to her house to try to resolve these issues but once there she wanted nothing to do with me. I told her I did not cheat on her and that I would never cheat on her. I was talking from a technical standpoint.

Did she know I was lying about sleeping with my ex? Yes, but I was talking from a relationship standpoint. That night, she posts on Facebook that I cheated on her with my ex and how bad of a guy I am. She tags me in it in hopes of hurting me professionally. She calls my family and friends and spreads the word. I was already beating myself up over my actions as I felt guilty for being with my ex and I regretted it before, during, and after. My mind was just in a dark place that I was making bad decisions. Later that night, she comes over to my house to find closure. She wanted details on what I did. I decided to stop lying and tell her everything. I told her how I felt, what I was going through, what I thought, how I was broken, how I was left and she wanted nothing to do with me, and that I was a mess. I told her that girl (my ex) meant nothing to me and I regretted my actions before and after. I explained that I was ashamed and I felt like I sinned before everyone. I also explained that my military career was in danger because of the post she made; tagging me in it with every military senior I had in my friends list seeing it. She felt bad and started to cry. The post was taken down. She didn’t want to leave my house and decided to sleep in my arms; stating that she wanted to be held by me one more time. When she left in the morning, she made it clear that we were not getting back together because she could not trust me, or see me the same. She stopped by later that night and we talked some more about what happened, however, she was filled with anger and accused me of cheating and could not stop talking about the sex part of my meet up with my ex; getting very graphic. I told her before she left that I take full responsibility for my actions and that I did mess up. I told her that it was not my character to act like this and I didn’t listen to reason or logic. I explained the situation again that I was broken after she wanted nothing to do with me and explained that the guy I saw her with and the voice on the phone broke me even more. She explained that the guy was a co-worker she went out drinking with along with other friends and that she passed out in her office and that the guy on the phone was her supervisor taking her phone away to avoid her making a “fool” out of herself in her condition. The muffled noises were her passing out and breathing heavily into the phone. I realized she was being truthful and that I assumed incorrectly.

As it stands, we are broken up and she maintains that she wants nothing to do with me because I cheated and hurt her. I explained that I cared for her deeply and that I was going to prove it to her and shower her with love and everything she deserves and that in time, when she is healed, I would be asking her out again and that the decision would be in her hands.

[Rose Mosse]

JD seems infantile, JM. It begs the question why an officer is dating someone so uncomfortably juvenile in thought and behaviour. Paragraph 2 of the long and detailed version talks about lack of trust. She feels you fundamentally distrust her. I'm sensing that you're the grown up in this relationship and have likely been the one overseeing better judgments in the relationship. What are your ages? There is such a large disparity in thought and behaviour that I'm curious if there is an age gap between the both of you.

Paragraph 4 talks about sinning. This tells me you've been indoctrinated in one way or another, consciously or subconsciously. This also tells me that you're predisposed to extreme guilt that may be disproportionate to any situation. I don't think you sinned by having sex with another woman but it's a big deal because you do (you think you sinned and YOU feel guilt). In turn, this predisposes you to being a doormat and you are supplicating yourself to a woman who ultimately has already confronted you about your lack of trust in her. She is insecure and you are putting yourself at the mercy of someone who is imbalanced.

I think you're not thinking straight and you're too overcome with remorse and overrun by concepts of right and wrong and you may even possibly think you're doing your penance by asking her out again and letting the decision be in her hands. Whatever Jesus mentality you're going for, you're winning in the self-crucifixion department. I think it's unnecessary. The facts are: she is insecure, you seem to make the better judgment calls in your relationship (between the both of you, re the dog situation) and you have guilt indoctrinated in your bones.

You deserve better.

[LordRAR]

Rose,
Thank you ever so much for the thoughtful response. It was more than what I expected.

The ages are: 31 (turning 32 in a few weeks) for me and 26 for her.

In relation to the sin aspect, it's a feeling that I did something terribly wrong and something I would have never done in the first place. It was an action outside of my character. There's no Jesus mentality; just the fact that I know I did wrong either by her standard or my own. That's not the guy I am and for some reason I fell to a level resembling that of a needy caveman.

The guilt in my bones is regrettably so. I truly feel bad for my actions. Because it hurt her and because it hurt me. I do want to be with her but there are issues we both struggle with. 9ne you hit on the head...her issue of being insecure. For some reason...I see past that and see the girl I fell in love with. The one who is my polar opposite.

Your reply was very meaningful to me and brought up some points I might have failed to notice. I truly thank you for your reaponse!

[chanelle]

LordRAR I think you need to take a break from women for a while. Your ex is your ex so she is history. The current woman wishes to leave the relationship. She made it very clear to you that she wants nothing to do with you. She sounded immature anyway especially with the dog incident and accusing you of trust issues about the dog issue. Respect her wishes and consider this break up a done deal. In the future, be more careful with whom you choose to date or have a relationship with and do so at your own risk especially if you're both enlisted. (Same with future colleagues as well.)

[Dazed & Confused]

Wow, you seriously need to stay well away from this woman. She sounds really unhinged. Firstly, you were not unreasonable about your dog, she was unreasonable and very pathetic and immature about it. She has no right to accuse you of cheating when SHE had broken up with you. You did not cheat. She also seemed to do same thing as you with another man too so she's a hypocrite. She broke up with you multiple times which show's she is not of sound mind. Why are you wasting your time on her? She's a nightmare and is only going to bring you nothing but heartbreak in the long run. It's not worth it. Cut ties with her.

[Rose Mosse]

I agree with Chanelle and D&C. I'm sorry, JM. This woman is not good for you. I do believe people can change early on in a relationship but at 2 years 8 months (almost 3 years) this behaviour isn't going to change and I don't think it will change given the circumstances or dynamics of your particular relationship with her. You do come off as a respectful pushover but ultimately you are a man, first and foremost. You do get upset, you do have needs, you do have feelings and you are overcome with remorse.

I was in your position once. I slept with someone else during a difficult relationship (a brief period where he disowned me or broke up with me). I did get back together with my partner at the time and it was a dumb move because the anger and hatred and resentment towards me for what I did became abusive. He took it out on me in other ways but I didn't realize it till later. To top that off he was battling addictions issues. I always knew in my heart that even though I knew what I did was wrong (I should never have tried to feel human with someone else when I was so distraught, I betrayed myself), I also knew deep down that the magnitude of the wrath and emotional abuse I felt afterwards from my partner was inappropriate and trust was never regained. He was initially a very nervous and insecure person and he never overcame what I did even though he broke up with me in that window of time.

The tumultuous nature of your relationship reminds me of another time in my life when I was living in that kind of chaos. I hope you find your way out eventually and realize that you are more deserving of someone who trusts and loves you a lot more than this.

[LordRAR]

LordRAR I think you need to take a break from women for a while. Your ex is your ex so she is history. The current woman wishes to leave the relationship. She made it very clear to you that she wants nothing to do with you. She sounded immature anyway especially with the dog incident and accusing you of trust issues about the dog issue. Respect her wishes and consider this break up a done deal. In the future, be more careful with whom you choose to date or have a relationship with and do so at your own risk especially if you're both enlisted. (Same with future colleagues as well.)

That is a good way of looking at it. Somehow, someway, I know its a done deal. Human nature being what it is, it is hard to accept that truth; however, you are right. I do plan on respecting her wishes and am currently doing so. I only communicate with her when she starts communication. I don't beg her to get back with me or to give me a second chance. I answer the questions asked or address the statements and then leave it at that. If she replies, I will do so in turn; but never starting a conversation.

[Dazed & Confused]

Maybe you should stop answering her completely.

[LordRAR]

Wow, you seriously need to stay well away from this woman. She sounds really unhinged. Firstly, you were not unreasonable about your dog, she was unreasonable and very pathetic and immature about it. She has no right to accuse you of cheating when SHE had broken up with you. You did not cheat. She also seemed to do same thing as you with another man too so she's a hypocrite. She broke up with you multiple times which show's she is not of sound mind. Why are you wasting your time on her? She's a nightmare and is only going to bring you nothing but heartbreak in the long run. It's not worth it. Cut ties with her.

The best thing about chatting about one's issues with strangers is the fact that everyone is honest with no hidden agenda. I really appreciate your words and advice. While she did not do anything with another guy and it turned out to be her boss making she she was alright, the damage to my thoughts were already set and only addressed it AFTER she was starting to miss me. Cutting ties with her is what its looking like. As stated before, I am not engaging with her as a "first responder." The reason I want to be with her is that the love we shared was different than anyone else in our lives. It is hard to explain but it was something special. Granted, she tossed me aside when she was angry or upset at me instead of working through the problem, but i always forgave her and looked past that. I charged it to stressed that I would put on her (keeping our relationship a secret, my OCD, my not outgoing personality, etc). While she had many issues too, I always looked past them and saw just her. I guess she couldn't do the same with me. Your advice is really appreciated and I thank you for your help and candor!

[LordRAR]

Maybe you should stop answering her completely.

Yes. That is something I need to do. She has a connection to me and I need to cut that tie as you mentioned. I just don't want to come off as a "dick" or a jerk for doing so. I say this because it is not my nature to just kick people aside. Starting to hate my upbringing right about now lol.

[Dazed & Confused]

You're welcome. I prefer to be honest. I don't see the point in sugar coating things lol

[LordRAR]

I agree with Chanelle and D&C. I'm sorry, JM. This woman is not good for you. I do believe people can change early on in a relationship but at 2 years 8 months (almost 3 years) this behaviour isn't going to change and I don't think it will change given the circumstances or dynamics of your particular relationship with her. You do come off as a respectful pushover but ultimately you are a man, first and foremost. You do get upset, you do have needs, you do have feelings and you are overcome with remorse.

I was in your position once. I slept with someone else during a difficult relationship (a brief period where he disowned me or broke up with me). I did get back together with my partner at the time and it was a dumb move because the anger and hatred and resentment towards me for what I did became abusive. He took it out on me in other ways but I didn't realize it till later. To top that off he was battling addictions issues. I always knew in my heart that even though I knew what I did was wrong (I should never have tried to feel human with someone else when I was so distraught, I betrayed myself), I also knew deep down that the magnitude of the wrath and emotional abuse I felt afterwards from my partner was inappropriate and trust was never regained. He was initially a very nervous and insecure person and he never overcame what I did even though he broke up with me in that window of time.

The tumultuous nature of your relationship reminds me of another time in my life when I was living in that kind of chaos. I hope you find your way out eventually and realize that you are more deserving of someone who trusts and loves you a lot more than this.

Rose,
Again thank you for your investment into my issues. The more and more I reflect on the situation, what you and others have said and recommended, the more I start to see the truth of the situation. While I do feel comfort inside from time to time, I know that time will be the ultimate healer. I hope too that I find my way out of this and onto a happier life. Like I told her in our very last chat; I didn't deserve this from the woman I gave everything to. And the more I hear people tell me what the reality is the more I see it for myself. Thank you again for the words of encouragement! I am sorry to hear about your situations, but I am happy that they made you stronger and wiser for them. I hope to receive the same for myself.

[LordRAR]

You're welcome. I prefer to be honest. I don't see the point in sugar coating things lol

Completely agree. I would never sugar coat life. I only sugar coat my strawberries. Life is not as sweet like a strawberry; its bitter and tough like nuts. And I would never sugar coat nuts. Gross. lol

[BMW-N52]

Lord, I'm military also. If you're a Capt, dating or a relationship with an enlisted is risky. She should have not tagged you in the post. Sleeping with another woman didn't help either. You have two choices go no contact or do a " grand gesture" of some sort to try and win her back. But her blowing you up on social media is an OPSEC violation and she should know better. She could be crazy enough to try and file a SHARP charge against you for sexual misconduct.

I've seen that happen when I was on an FTX doing OPFOR, a male NCO and female were in my squad humping hills all night. I was the rear security element, I saw them flirting all night. A month later I get a call concerning that night on patrol and what I saw occur. Sir, you're playing with fire and you know this. I think you should kiss and make up the best you can, or just go no contact. She knows tooo much about you and your career is at stake.

[LordRAR]

Lord, I'm military also. If you're a Capt, dating or a relationship with an enlisted is risky. She should have not tagged you in the post. Sleeping with another woman didn't help either. You have two choices go no contact or do a " grand gesture" of some sort to try and win her back. But her blowing you up on social media is an OPSEC violation and she should know better. She could be crazy enough to try and file a SHARP charge against you for sexual misconduct.

I've seen that happen when I was on an FTX doing OPFOR, a male NCO and female were in my squad humping hills all night. I was the rear security element, I saw them flirting all night. A month later I get a call concerning that night on patrol and what I saw occurred.

BMW,
The relationship was risky. I knew that my career was the one that would be brought down if people found out. I have always been one to say "hell no" to these situations but when it came to her, I could not help but get drawn in with our connection, chemistry, and pure love. There was something different about her and I had finally found the one. To the point where we talked about getting married and starting our life. The relationship was great at times, rocky at others, but one that we worked on. I know she won't go the SHARP route. I know she doesn't want to hurt me like that. The FB post was an act of extreme anger and she pulled it down after she realized what it would do to me. She feels extremely hurt about the FB post and blames herself for her actions. She just wanted me to hurt too and didn't care how because of the emotions she was caught in.

I am almost curious about your 2 choices you mentioned:

1) No contact. I understand that space and time is a great way to heal. But how effective is it at making someone miss someone else? Especially in her situation? She has told me that she still loves me and cares for me but cannot look at me the same. So the signals are very much mixed (more so given her actions mentioned in the original post). Also, how does this work if she contacts me? Do I blow her off? That would seem like a jerk thing to do.
2) A grand gesture seems easier to do and might make a bigger impact. But is this better than the no contact one?

I understand that people are telling me to move on from her. And while that seems like the smart move, it is the hardest. Reason being, I found a love that I had never seen before. There were times of hardship and times of joy, but they made us who we were. She had issues the same as I. The point being, we loved each other regardless of these issues. This last action is a bump in the road and could either strengthen our relationship if we decided to try again or leave it the way it is...broken. I know it may sound crazy, but I truly do not want the latter to happen. I want it to strengthen us.