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Dont know what to do about her ex

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  • Dont know what to do about her ex

    Ok well Im to the point my backs against the wall. Me and my girlfriend are 40 and 41. Weve been together for a year
    shes out of a horrible relationship with a 6 yr old boy involved. Getting her sons Dad to be a Dad has been a nightmare for her. Shes given him the benefit of the doubt for to long. He constantly misses his weekend he supposed to get him a few nights a week and misses. Its been heartbreaking for her boy. She even quit telling him "your Dads on the way" because hes said a gazziilon times on my way and doesnt show. Tonight Im at a breaking point. He was supposed to come and get him and her son knew. They were baking coolies and he was excited bagged some for his dad and waited by the front door. Thennnn we get the text. Sorry forgot I had class cant make it. Welp she instantly called him chewed him out. Her son walked in the room ( didnt hear her yelling) and she said here talk to your Dad. He cried and cried please come you promised please come. Her son is crying now shes crying. FINALLY he decided to come. I AM SICK of seeing his heartbreak and hers break watching her son suffer. Me and her ex have never spoke. He avoids me wont pull in the driveway nothing. Ive texted and called him nicley to at least introduce myself I am constanlty around his son. But nope. But my fuse is about to blow. I feel I need to confront him this has to stop. And stop now. Other tell me stay out of it. Ive stayes out of it all along but this is just to much. I love her and her son all my heart and I hate seeing them hurt!! ... what do I do??? I dont want to cross lines she can handle and on the other hand shes my girl and we do plan to get married. I dont want her to think Im a coward and wont stand up for her either..

  • #2
    Scottz1029 Discord between your girlfriend and her ex regarding their son, is their business, not yours. Stay out of it.

    What do you you do? Become a father figure to the boy because he has an absentee dad. Become a strong manly role model for him and bond with him. Do guy stuff together. Read to him, play basketball or play catch with a baseball & mitts, help with school projects if he needs help, attend his games if he's in organized sports, do yard work if there's yard work to do, if something breaks down, go to Home Depot together, etc. If you're really close to your girlfriend, do family activities together such as picnics, outings, walks, excursions or whatever. Your presence and involvement will be a healthy distraction and diversion for the boy and you'll show him how to be a man. Transform his tears into joy.
    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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    • #3
      I agree with Chanelle.

      This is not your place. If you meddle, both your gf and her son will resent you for it.
      This kid will have to learn to cope with an absent and uninterested father. It's a cross many children have to bare. You can't fix that for him. You can't take over as a father. But you can be there for him and for your gf when they are feeling sad and frustrated.
      I had a pretty lousy relationship with my father for many years. But my stepdad, although he could never replace him, took a very important role in my life. And having him made it easier to accept that my dad just didn't always care.
      You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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      • #4
        Chanelle is right, as hard as it is for you, there really isn't anything you can do apart from being as supportive as you can for them both. This guy is a complete waste of space and one day the boy will realize this for himself. He will no longer want to have anything to do with his dad. Until that day comes, just be the best dad figure you can be for him.

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        • #5
          This seems like you were venting, Scott. I'm curious - what else do you know about the boy's father? You said that you have never spoken to him and he avoids you. This isn't normal behaviour for two people who barely know each other and you and your partner have only been dating for a year. Does he fear you?

          I'm also a bit disturbed that your girlfriend would immediately call her ex to chew him out. What good does that do in the long run? I am not saying anyone is to blame here for this mountain of confusion. I do think that you could all benefit from some tweaking and changes in the way you have expectations about these relationships. I don't feel your girlfriend is in a healthy place, most of all your girlfriend. If you are feeling helpless as an outsider this is a litmus test for how much this woman lacks control of her own life. Again, I am not saying it is anyone's fault (least of all your girlfriend) but I think if she manages her emotions a bit better and resists escalating or egging her son onto tears, you might feel differently too. She shouldn't have handed her son the phone to deal with his negligent father. A child is not equipped to deal with this at six years old! I find this very inappropriate. She breaking down into tears also is inappropriate. Children need role models and leaders and your girlfriend is emotional (she is allowed to be) but she is not being what her son needs. I'm being very upfront with you here.

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          • #6
            Your girlfriend has no control over what her ex does and doesn't do so this isn't her fault (IMO). She can, once again talk to her ex and tell him how his inconsistency in seeing his own child is causing that child emotional distress and could he please be more involved with his son. After that, there isn't much else she can do but to see that her son is getting the therapy he needs in order to come to terms with the fact that his father is not the dad he should be. On another note, had your g/f not given the phone to her son to speak to his father, he wouldn't have ended up picking up his son. After the convo with his son, he had the decency to spend time with his son and his son emotional meltdown ended. It's his father so not allowing him to talk to his dad, IMO would have been cruel.

            Chanelle has excellent advice for you to take on, Scott so don't skim over her post. As for you not wanting to look like you're not behind your girlfriend. Talk to her about it and let her know that you are there to support her and her son and that you will work as a "family" so your son feels loved and you'll make sure he is getting the good male role modelling every kid needs.
            Last edited by phasesofthemoon; December 7th, 2018, 04:25 PM.
            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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            • #7
              The ex has been getting away with his inconsistent behavior with zero consequences. However, you need to stay out of it with the exception of what's already been suggested.

              What you can do is support your girlfriend in making sure that there are consequences for his behavior. Meaning, child-support amounts and visitation schedules are set by the court. Child-support amounts are relative to amount of time spent with the child. If your girlfriend documents the amount of time and emotional turmoil caused by the father's missed visits, she may be able to get the child support and visitation adjusted to her advantage.

              This doesn't necessarily help to get the ex to start being a responsible father, but it may reduce the turmoil in your home.

              Your gf may be reluctant to take a confrontational posture, but if you can help her understand that setting boundaries and holding him accountable in the only way she really can will be good for her and her son.

              Good luck

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              • #8
                The reason why I mentioned the phone shouldn't have been handed over to the son is the father seems like he was guilt-tripped into seeing his son. I don't think a child should be used that way in order to sideline a parent into acting like a parent. I'm sorry but there just seems something very wrong with this. The mother should have explained to the boy calmly about his father not coming and both the OP and the mother should have been his rock and remained by his side if he was upset, not adding to the emotional outbursts. I question the quality of the time that the boy spent with his father when the dad didn't think it was a priority to see his son in the first place. You can't really force anyone to want to spend time with someone else but it seems to me in this case that the father was pushed into it and the person least able to sustain that kind of emotional wreckage is a little boy at age 6. Just my thoughts on this though.

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