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  • My Unemployed Husband

    My husband has been in & out of jobs for 9 years. The industry he specialize in has been down in the dumps and it appears that there is no future. During those years, he didn't try enough to look for work outside of his specialty.
    When the subject of job searching come up, it end up in a fight and he will argue with me that I spend too much money. I put my credit in debt to help us get by and it was difficult to pay off the principal because the interest was very high. Eight years later, I managed to pay off majority of my debt off and it feels good. I still have debt, but I know I can clear it off.
    I asked my husband to please do his best to get a job because I was hoping to pay it all off this year and start saving in the New Year. He agreed, but that never happened. He only looks for jobs that is no longer available. It is all over the media. I told him to get over it and look for a job.

    I told him that I am tired of arguing with him. He's not motivated, dinner is not ready by the time I get home from work or there is no dinner, he doesn't clean, unless I am at home and start cleaning by going after him about it. He looks for jobs on the internet only and if it wasn't for a job sign I saw and pointed out to him when we went grocery shopping, he would never initiated to apply for that job, his job interview is this week, by the way, for part-time work.

    I managed to get overtime at my full-time job. It won't last very long and the overtime earnings, I use to pay off my debt. We have joint chequing & savings account. Not much money in there....our rent (which is the cheapest you can find in the city) take just over half of my monthly income.
    Over the years, to credit of my husband also, I've become more frugal, but to the point where we don't enjoy life. Our vacation trip is a walk in the local park.

    I'm not sure if this situation validates a divorce, but I feel that our relationship became toxic.
    If I was unemployed, I would do whatever I have to get a job. One time, I proved my point in an argument. I left home after our argument, visited three places and managed to secure a job interview at a hotel, to clean the rooms. (I didn't get the job...I think I looked too polished), but I was so proud to secure a job interview and my husband jaw literally dropped. when I got home that night from job searching. That was a time he got off his azz and looked for a job and got one in a month or so.

    Please help me. I spoke to him that end up in arguments.
    I know he has his pride, but he cannot understand the pressure he is putting me under and to have the nerve not to do domestic duties, to help me out. He only cleans the kitchen. He never takes the initiative to do the laundry, I have to beg him to do it.

    He doesn't recognize or admit the pressure I feel. He doesn't want to talk, just turn the table around and say that I spend money. i have to buy pads, buy lipstick and foundation, so I look polished at work. I don't have to buy clothes often, and they are from Walmart, H&M....is that so wrong of me to do? Is it wrong that I want to buy a pair of running shoes so I can go for walks on Sunday morning?

    I cannot afford counselling and not so sure I have the time for it because of my job and on Sunday, I need a break! I don't want to clean, I need rest.

    I do love my husband, but I no longer like him as a person. He became too lazy, he hurts my feelings by saying i spend too much money, but I am the one who is working, pay the rent & bills, plus transportation. What do I do to save this marriage? What do I have to say so that he understands that he understand that I no longer tolerate him critisizing me on my "spending". I've told him boldly this and that I can't live with him when he is not being fair.

    If I divorce him, he could come after me for spousal support, if that happens, I would literally go bankrupt and live in the streets, lose my job and I would be dead person.
    Do I open a new account with another bank?
    How do I get the bank not to send me mail? I don't do on-line banking because I don't trust it and I have a system that works for me with watching my expenses, paying bills and my debt.
    Also, the rent is under both our names. Even if he get this part-time job, it wouldn't be enough for him to afford rent.

    Why does happen to me? I thought i was a bright person and it appears that I am getting screwed in this relationship that will cost me emotionally, and financially.

    Sorry for my ramble.

  • #2
    StayHealthy I'm sorry you're going through this. It's best to seek financial advice from a professional financial advisor. Perhaps you can find info on the Net or do you know anyone in the financial world who could advise you?

    You can set up your own PO box and have mail diverted to that location such as your bank should you open a separate account.

    You need legal advice and you're not going to get it from this forum. Check your county for legal advice. Sometimes the local county government helps with certain desperate situations.

    Hope your husband finds a job. Have him do in-person networking, join LinkedIn, ask family, relatives, in-laws, friends, acquaintances, etc. for job connections and leads. Getting involved in your community whether it's church, charity work, volunteerism, clubs, organizations, etc. is a good way to get to know others who could potentially help him land a job. It's not only what you know, it's who you know that will get him there.
    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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    • #3
      Time to give him a good wake up call. Tell him to leave the house because you are tired of his lack of motivation to get a job and lack of help with anything in the house. He is sulking because he cant find a job doing what he does, but these days you cant afford to be picky. You have to take what you can get. He's not trying at all. He doesn't even want try and has become accustomed to you taking care of him, waiting on him hand and foot. Tell him you will no longer provide for him so he he'll have to get out there and get a job to provide for himself. He wont even cook or clean while you at slugging away at work which is incredible selfish of him. Don't carry this guy anymore. He is a waste of space. Kick his ass out and hopefully that'll wake him up the reality of what he's doing. Don't let him do this to you anymore. It's extremely unfair.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by chanelle View Post
        StayHealthy I'm sorry you're going through this. It's best to seek financial advice from a professional financial advisor. Perhaps you can find info on the Net or do you know anyone in the financial world who could advise you?

        You can set up your own PO box and have mail diverted to that location such as your bank should you open a separate account.

        You need legal advice and you're not going to get it from this forum. Check your county for legal advice. Sometimes the local county government helps with certain desperate situations.

        Hope your husband finds a job. Have him do in-person networking, join LinkedIn, ask family, relatives, in-laws, friends, acquaintances, etc. for job connections and leads. Getting involved in your community whether it's church, charity work, volunteerism, clubs, organizations, etc. is a good way to get to know others who could potentially help him land a job. It's not only what you know, it's who you know that will get him there.
        Great suggestion, but can't afford a po box now. I will keep this in mind though; I'm so frugal, trying to reach my goal to pay off my debt.
        We don't have family. It is only us. Our friends are far away, and have lower living standard that is not healthy to our medical problems.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Dazed & Confused View Post
          Time to give him a good wake up call. Tell him to leave the house because you are tired of his lack of motivation to get a job and lack of help with anything in the house. He is sulking because he cant find a job doing what he does, but these days you cant afford to be picky. You have to take what you can get. He's not trying at all. He doesn't even want try and has become accustomed to you taking care of him, waiting on him hand and foot. Tell him you will no longer provide for him so he he'll have to get out there and get a job to provide for himself. He wont even cook or clean while you at slugging away at work which is incredible selfish of him. Don't carry this guy anymore. He is a waste of space. Kick his ass out and hopefully that'll wake him up the reality of what he's doing. Don't let him do this to you anymore. It's extremely unfair.
          I've already asked him to leave in a heat of an argument and said, no, you leave. If I leave, I don't know how to get my name off the lease. When they did a check on us, we put it under my name for a check because I have a job. I can show pay stubs.

          I still want to work this out, but this situation has been going on and off over the last 9 years. Then he get a job, it is all good, then he lost it and it happens again. He is not motivated to step out of his boundries. I've suggested talking to the doctor, pushed him to go to job centers (I had to take time off work to take him there). I am tired of arguments to put fire under his ass. I'm stressed from work and then this.

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          • #6
            He is not going to change until he is forced to change. Your name is on the lease so has no right to tell you to leave. Maybe next time he is out, change the lock and boot his stuff out with a note saying you will only allow him back if he changes his ways and gets a job. Nothing is going to change unless you do something drastic. 9 years is a loooong time for him to be getting away with this shit.

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            • #7
              I agree with D&C.
              You can find all sorts of excuses for not kicking him out, but in the end that's all they are: excuses.
              You can kick him out of you want to.
              You can give notice on your lease without his approval if it's only on your name. And find a place to live for yourself without him.

              He feels comfortable living off you and your salary. He won't stop doing that unless you make him. Stop making it so easy for him.
              You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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              • #8
                StayHealthy Since family is so faraway, try to make friends, join groups as time permits because networking is the way to get a job especially for those already within the industry. If not, with the holiday season, a lot of businesses are hiring for retail even if it's temporary, it could lead to another idea or job(s). At least it's a start. He can't be too proud now and beggars can't be choosers. It's better than nothing and gives him a sense of purpose to supplement your income. What was his occupation? Perhaps he can do something that requires his past experience but in another field.

                If not the above, then one of these days, you need to figure out how to become an independent woman and get rid of the leech.
                "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

                Comment


                • #9
                  I think you're getting a little ahead of yourself (re: spousal support etc). Discuss your financial situation with a lawyer and your options. Discuss separation with your husband and stop self-sabotaging. There's a whole lot of talking here (for 9 years too) and not a lot of doing. You're working hard but not working smart. You and you alone can get you out of this mess so stop waiting for a red carpet roll out or for the way for you to suddenly be paved easily in gold. Sometimes you have to scratch and claw your way out of a difficult situation. You do what you have to do.

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                  • #10
                    StayHealthy... you have been enabling your husband not to have to work since 2012. Now you've paid off half of the debt he has incurred because he hasn't been working. You need to go to therapy to help you to learn how to NO LONGER enable your husband to be the lazy ass he is. Look at it realistically. Why would he make any sort of effort when he knows you're going to do it all and pay for it all?
                    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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                    • #11
                      So sorry for the difficult situation. Despite the change to more positive views of women working, men often still feel the pressure to provide for their family. It sounds like he may be struggling with depression. There are many counseling options available to him (check out https://ccn.thedirectorywidget.com/ or perhaps www.talkspace.com). As for the banking issue, could you get mail at work? I'm not 100% sure that is the best way to handle this, but you have to do what you think is right. You are a bright person, tending to your debt, trying to salvage your marriage. There's no magic answers, but prayers for strength and wisdom as you decide how to move forward.

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                      • #12
                        I wonder if it's not the case that he has developed a depression because of this situation. When you have depression is hard even to get up and take a shower

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by kanashimi View Post
                          I wonder if it's not the case that he has developed a depression because of this situation. When you have depression is hard even to get up and take a shower
                          Thank you and I had the same thoughts. I had a very serious talk with him again and made it very clear that I am not happy with him at all. I work long hours and he had nothing to do but think. He called me but I didn't answer because I didn't want a fight on the phone, while I am at work and cry. I was surprised later when I listed to the message, he was saying sorry and all that.

                          He completely changed when I got home to the man I knew when I first met him. He understood that our life became toxic and I don't want to come home. Currently, his nerves are shot because he is waiting to see if he got a job. I plan to have another serious talk with him that he has to keep looking and his job is to job search for a job.

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