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Feeling worthless

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  • Feeling worthless

    Iím torn between questioning if Iím being selfish or have the rights to feel what Iím feeling.

    Iíve been with my partner for almost 2 years as he is separated from his ex for 2 and half years. They are not yet divorced (she got cancer, timing wasnít right) they havenít spoken in a year and have adult children. (They were married 29 years) His children donít like the fact he moved on and wonít speak to me.

    His mum died on Saturday. It was a shock. He was so close to her. He told me he doesnít know how to deal with grief. Needs to be alone. Yesterday he called the children to tell them and within minutes his ex called. He had a lengthy conversation with her about his mum and she offered support. He said he was ok.

    Today he arranged an appt at the chapel of rest so o said Iíd accompany him, he said he didnít want me to, that he needed to deal with it himself. Within minutes of telling me that he contacted his children and ex to invite them to the chapel of rest. The children declined. The ex went.

    It left me in tears. I felt like Iím his family too, we share a home, go on regular holidays. Do everything together. He was at my daughterís wedding recently. I said I had hoped that Iím such awful circumstances that Iíd be the one he needed. He said no. He told me I was making it about me. He went, that was hours ago. Now, the family are at his mums sorting through her things. I just feel helpless.

    Iíve also been told that the funeral is family only. Which means I wonít be going but the family car will be his ex and the grown children (youngest is 23)

    I feel so deeply hurt. Iím trying to understand his grief and be there for him but heís choosing to be supported by others.

    Iíve tried explaining how I feel and heís repeating Iím making it about me and to let him get on with it in his way but his way is to involve his ex and shut me out completely

    I feel rejected and I feel like Iím suddenly not his family

    Am I being unreasonable?

  • #2
    You're not being unreasonable. You're being stupid. No offense.

    You feel like he's your family, but he clearly doesn't feel that you're family. He has behaved in an extremely disrespectful way to you. There's no reason for him not to include you in the funeral arrangements and to include his ex.

    Why are you with him?
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


    • #3
      You've been together only 2 years. You're still getting to know each other. They were married for 29 years. His mother was her mother in law for all that time so she had just as much of a connection to her as him. I think you are being too overly sensitive about this. I agree with Sarah though that there isn't any reason why you couldn't go to the funeral although it was family only and you technically aren't family. You are his other half, but his ex had to there for her kids.
      Last edited by Dazed & Confused; December 4th, 2018, 05:47 AM.
      I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!


      • #4
        I'm sorry to hear about the loss in the family anyway. I think there's a big red flag if he's separated for 2.5 years and not yet divorced. She's able enough to go to a funeral and still be a part of this episode. It means that she's fighting cancer and she's still mobile and cognitive. She should be able to sign divorce papers and be of sound mind negotiating a divorce. The set up here is not really welcoming of a third party or for him to date again which begs the question why you have accepted this situation for so long. It also makes me wonder whether the divorce has been post-poned because their children are in denial about the separation and whether they are separated out of convenience rather than a matter of principle or to move on with their lives. Their current relationship now strikes me as one of convenience.

        You also seem like a very convenient third wheel because you care too much. You seem like a very caring or giving type of person but it's really gone unchecked. I was willing to give this man the benefit of the doubt inviting his ex-wife to the funeral but it doesn't sit well with me that it's been 2.5 years with no divorce in place and his ex-wife is well enough to ride around in a car to a funeral for her ex mother in law. I don't think there's anything wrong with her being at the funeral at all. I only think that this situation is very unbalanced and it doesn't support his dating anyone else nor does it point at all to any closure or intention to move on after his first marriage. Ie. he is not serious about you.


        • #5
          Emma75d Your boyfriend wants a relationship with you on HIS terms only and you have to acquiesce or there's the door. You either protest your exclusion from his grieving process and the funeral or he'll give you an argument so bad that you'll want to leave him. Those are your choices.

          If you're willing to tolerate and endure a relationship with him after bereavement which could take months or years even, then remind yourself that he was married for 29 years which is an extremely long number of years of marriage. He has grown children and his ex was close to her former MIL (mother-in-law) for decades when she was a young mother through middle age. There's a lot of established, settled history which you're not privy to. You have to know your place within HIS family tree. You're a newcomer and need to respect his life long before he ever met you. If you can remain patient and wait for his grief and mourning to pass, then be quiet and wait.

          However, keep in mind his ex's days could be numbered due to her cancer diagnosis so be prepared to be lower priority in the future as well. His grown adult children will require a lot of moral support from their father should they lose their mother or watch her suffer as she fights for her life.

          Whenever you get involved with a man (or for others, a woman) and they're divorced, about to be divorced, have children with their ex and former in-laws, this is the package deal and you have to cope with their baggage. They're not single, carefree and simple. They still have complicated familial commitments and you will never be top priority. You have to share him with others. It's the way it is.
          "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."


          • #6
            I agree with Chantelle (and your boyfriend). This was his life before you. The funeral is about his loss and the loss his family is going through. He doesnít need or want the distraction of having you-the outsider there. So donít make this about you and your feelings.

            help him deal from behind the scenes and when he is with you.

            If you donít like being supportive from there, then let him go.


            • #7
              You have a right to feel however you want, but that doesnít change anything. Being with a man who is separated but not divorced seems to be a compromise with an uncertain future and this is just another compromise. You have invested time, energy and emotion and since you are not married to him you are not considered family.
              You might consider what what you want your future to look like and if living this way is best as you wait for someday. Sounds as if you want to support him and this is not the time, but he will need it going forward.