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Broke up with my boyfriend for masturbating while I was asleep. Am I in the wrong?

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  • Broke up with my boyfriend for masturbating while I was asleep. Am I in the wrong?

    Last weekend I woke up to my ex-boyfriend grabbing my ass and jacking off. I was freaked out at the time but went back to sleep because I was exhausted and not willing to fight. I woke up again several hours later to him humping me with his dick between my legs. I moved over to the other side of the bed and he got up and spent the rest of the night on the floor to "punish" himself. When I woke up for real he kept apologizing by saying he thinks there's something wrong with him but I was really uncomfortable with it all and he ended up going home. I broke up with him two days later because I no longer felt like I could trust him. It's been a week and I'm regretting the breakup. It's not that I was particularly bothered by him masturbating beside me, if he hadn't have been touching me it would have been fine, it's that I didn't like that he was using my unconscious body to get off. It's not the first time he'd done it and we recently had a conversation about him doing a variety of other sexual things to me without my consent among other issues. He was not a particularly honest man and he'd done a lot to damage my trust in him previous to this. I know he wasn't right for me and while I feel justified in breaking up with him in the long run, I feel like this particular issue may have been an overreaction on my part and not the straw that should have broken the camels back.

    Am I in the right here? Or should I have just let it go?

  • #2
    I think you did the right thing. There is nothing wrong with masterbating but his behavior is a liitle weird. If you're not comfortable then it's OK to break up with him.

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    • #3
      If you can't trust your partner then you're not going to have a decent relationship with him. If he thinks something is wrong with him then he should book an appointment with his doctor to get a referral to a psychologist that he can talk this over with.

      Did you guys have a compatible libido?
      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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      • #4
        I think it's weird that he punished himself. No, don't be with someone whom you cannot trust and punishes himself by sleeping on the floor (lol?). What is this? Does he think he can just flip a switch and be a dog for a day?

        Why do you regret the break up and what makes you think you overreacted? Were you turned on by his behaviour in some way?

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        • #5
          horticultured You mentioned also that he's dishonest and damaged your trust previous to this. He's not for you. You need to let him go. He's not good for you either. His track record is not good and how can you love someone who is dishonest and distrustful? No way. Time to move on for your own peace of mind.
          "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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          • #6
            Thank you for all the affirmations, I appreciate it!

            @phasesofthemoon He said he was going to go to a therapist but he's said he'd seek medical help before and never has. I asked him to get tested for STDs when we first started dating because I had just gotten tested and wanted to know he had a clean bill of health too and he promised he would but after a year and a half of promising it never happened. We did have a compatible libido but we hadn't had sex that night because I was exhausted from working 7 10 hour overnight shifts in a row and driving over an hour and back 2 days in a row for Thanksgiving.

            @Rose Mosse Yeah I thought it was weird too, I think he just wanted to give me space without leaving the room and that was the best way to do it. I regret the breakup because we had been friends since we were kids and for all his shortcomings there was a lot about him I really liked and I really miss him. I also feel bad for breaking up with him because we had a lot of weekend plans and I was supposed to go to a Hanukkah celebration with his family shortly after it happened. And I know this is selfish but it has been a very stressful semester for me and finals are coming up and I could have really used some support. I also feel guilty for breaking up over the phone, which I've never done before, but we live in different cities and I didn't want to drive for an hour just to dump him and drive back. I feel like I overreacted because I didn't give him a chance to fix it, he was offering a lot of possible solutions including couples therapy but I shot them all down and just let it fester before breaking it off which seems cruel on my part. I definitely wasn't turned on. I just wanted to sleep. I'm a pretty open-minded person and I almost definitely would have been cool with whatever he had wanted to do in the morning.

            I'm just super lonely right now and it's only going to get worse over the break. All my friends are flying home for the holidays along with my roommates and I don't have any family nearby. I'm a pretty big extrovert and was looking forward to spending a lot of quality time with him over the break because I'll have the apartment all to myself and he barely has to work this month. I have a bad tendency to fall apart when I'm isolated and I often do things I come to regret. This is the furthest I've ever been from my support group and I don't want to be constantly blowing up anyone's phone while they're trying to get some peace at home. I'm worried I'm going to go back to him just to have someone to do things with until my friends start coming back. Logically I know it's a horrible idea but I'm not at my strongest right now and the positives are starting to feel like they outweigh the negatives.
            Last edited by horticultured; December 5th, 2018, 11:03 AM.

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            • #7
              I think non-consensual sex is wrong. I'm not exactly vanilla but this is wrong to me and in no way should this be taking place if you are absolutely not ok with it. The other alarming issues have to do with his dishonesty in the past and the distrust you feel. What other incidents have led you to feeling this way?

              Yes, prolonging a break up and hanging on to a potentially damaging and traumatizing/abusive relationship will affect you worse in the long run. Taking him back now after the non-consensual sex will only display that you're ultimately ok with his behaviour and I don't think he will take you seriously. Most people would think you just had a temper flare up and it's something to be forgiven and forgotten, turning the tables on you. If you go back into this relationship with the mind that you screwed up and overreacted, he will have to forgive you and what may be perceived as your tantrum. If you truly feel that you need to be accepted and forgiven for a wrong on your part and the scenario is not clear here to me, go for it. If it is exactly as I'm interpreting it to be and you have been truthful in your version of events, no, I think this is very damaging to you, your self-worth and your long term image of yourself and your self-confidence in relationships. Your ability to trust yourself and your decisions will be undermined and you'll likely continue making bad decisions for yourself.


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