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Top of the world back to square one

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  • Top of the world back to square one

    I have been best friends with a girl from my work, she was an escape from my depression and made me feel happy when I was with her, we flirted and chatted but ultimately she had a boyfriend and I a girlfriend.

    So I decided that I needed to stop seeing her and spending all my time with her as I knew nothing could happen and I was falling for her, something she didn't allow to happen always inviting me places and spending all her time with me.

    I left my job and moved country broke up with my girlfriend and had a fresh start and felt great, the day after I left my best friend broke up with her boyfriend and said she wanted to be with me, and was going to come with me at somepoint when she had sorted things out, for the next two months we spoke every day.

    I visited her a couple of weeks ago and spoke to her sister who told me to take things slowly and not rush things, which I did, eventually I chose her over my new life and moved back home as I didn't want her to be rushing into just moving in with me and we could plan something to do together, I was the happiest I have been in years nothing could touch me.

    After a week at home she has left for the weekend on a trip she had booked to see me in my new home but obviously I am not there, and has says it's moving to fast for her and she can't think straight and needs time alone, something that I can fully understand as someone who has battled with my mental health for years.

    I just need to know, what I do know I am totally devestated, feel physically sick, feel like crying all day and can't get out of bed, what's worse this is the lowest I have felt in years and don't know how to bounce back took me four/five years just to be happy and positive about life but I am back where I started and don't know if I can walk that long road again.

    Thank you for your help.

  • #2
    I think you acted quite impulsively. You left your job and moved on a whim, and then when this girl said she wanted to be with you (which obviously wasn't 100% true), you moved back to your home and then rushed into a relationship with her, even thinking about moving in together.

    My advice is for you to start managing your expectations better. There's a huge advantage in taking things slowly, very slowly. I'd estimate that the majority of problems people have in relationships is that they want everything right now and are not willing to slowly cultivate a connection with someone and know that person better before they jump into sex and co-habitation.

    It's bad to allow someone else to control your emotions and behavior. Your life does not depend on whether or not she agrees to be with you. Take charge of yourself. Being depressed isn't going to help your situation. Let her go on her vacation, and when she comes back, let her call the shots for a while. In the meantime, don't close yourself off from other people. Try to wrap your head around the idea that this relationship may not work out. And that's ok. It's not the end of the world.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


    • #3
      Thanks for getting back to me, it wasn't impulsive to go I had been planning to leave before I met her, just took months to organise, but and I would say it was impulsive to come home on a whim, I had thought about it long and hard and decided that I wanted to be with her more than I wanted to be alone in my flat in a beautiful city with lots to do, I guess I didn't manage my expectations very well we had danced around the possibility for months and when it was possible I may have over comited, the thing is it's hard to say if it was too fast or slow, we have spend months working together 12 hours a day five/six days a week and on our days off would go somewhere together or after our shift have a drink together, and saying that that was slow we weren't together but where essentially dating, and when I left spoke to each other all day via text for the first week as we where both off work, and then when back at work spoke as much as we could video chatting for hours.
      it was when I got back for my visit she spend things up too quickly, obviously at the time I didn't mind but now seems like the start of where it fell to pieces, it's hard not to get hung up on it though I hadn't been happy in years and all of a sudden I feel amazing, but I know I can't rely on others for my happiness just got caught up in it I guess, thanks for your advice it was really helpful


      • #4
        You seem like a nice guy. It will all work out. Good luck.
        "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


        • #5
          Bocuseofremy It sounds like you have a very inconvenient relationship due to geographical distance. It is challenging to make it work due to the hassle of expensive travel to see each other and limited time since both of you are not local to each other. You're going to have to be very patient and somehow squeeze each other into your schedules in order to make your relationship with her enduring and successful. There is no other way around it.

          In the meantime, in order to avoid your depressive thoughts about this situation, have your own life outside her such as your own activities, friends, family if you have them fairly local, sports (exercise regularly), focus on your health, interests, outings, hobbies or what makes you happy other than the her. It's important to have a life of your own instead of only obsessing on your significant other. Individualism is important too for your mental well being. Hope you can have healthy outlets and distractions for your mind and soul.
          "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."


          • #6
            What's wrong with your mental health?
            Nothing anyone says can help you unless you fix yourself and get the treatment you need from the professionals you need to see if you have to see someone. By that I mean no relationship can bandaid your issues and no forum can assuage your pain. Try to get the help you need if you haven't already done so. Your reaction to this girl's behaviour is a bit odd, to be honest. On top of that you were both seeing each other or flirting (one can only imagine) when you were both in relationships with other people. Of course this bubble would have popped eventually. What did you think? If you don't have an active conscience, maybe she does. Take this for what it is, learn from this experience, pick yourself up off the ground, get the mental health help that you need and move on.


            • #7
              I don't get it. She booked a trip to see you and still goes even though you're not there now? That's a little weird. How were things moving too fast when you hadnt even started? I think she was more attracted to the thrill of the chase with you. You're a nice guy and deserve a lot better than that.
              I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!