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  • Friend or Unfriend?

    Hello everyone. Thanks for taking the time in reading my concern. So here is my situation that has been eating at me lately. So much so, I woke up around 3 am a few times these past couple weeks without getting back to sleep.

    I was friends with a girl for a little over a year. So we started dating in February. I haven't been in a relationship in my adult life. This was all new to me. Being a timing thing. She had a roommate that wasn't working out, and I was month to month on my lease. I moved in with her in April. I know, bad idea. Fast forward to the middle of June, and we decided to end things. If you want more details I can provide them if you want. We continued to live with each other with no problems. She was making a concious effort to be happier. The big reason why things weren't working out between us. The things you learn when you move in with someone. I'm guessing with my lack of experience with break ups. I noticed this change and started to feel for her again. The thing is, it's a one way street, so I decided to move out the end of November. My question is. To get over her, will the best thing to do is end all contact? Or do we continue to be friends?

    I appreciate any help in these matters, because like said. This is all new to me. Thanks and have a great day.

  • #2
    She doesn't sound interested in rekindling anything with you (you said it's a one way street). You have romantic feelings for her. So yes, the best thing generally to do in this situation is to stop communicating so much (for awhile if you can help it) and let yourself move out of the constant memory of her/each other. Your brain needs time to catch up and go back to a neutral space. You might want to suggest that you don't have anything ill against her and want the best for both of you but you do need a time out at the moment to get your life back in order. There's no sense in being nasty or cold without any word. If she's a reasonable person she'll understand where you're coming from and respond likewise. Take it one step at a time.

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    • #3
      I say move out and go zero contact. Its the best way to get over the addiction of having someone in your life that is no longer there in the same capacity. Why allow yourself to be demoted to "just friend" Besides: Any new chica (or more of them then not) that comes into your life isn't going to take kindly to you being buddies with someone you once lived with in a romantic way.
      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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      • #4
        Maybe you could let her know that you are open to be friends if she would like. I mean, your were friends for a long time before getting together. If she doesn't want to then just wish her well and leave it at that. No more contact. I'm curious though, you start dating, move in together then break up in a very short space of 4 months. Why did you break up?
        Last edited by Dazed & Confused; November 11th, 2018, 05:38 PM.

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        • #5
          runzz Yes, end all contact and no, don't remain friends especially since you're falling for her again and it's a one way street as you say. Out of sight out of mind or at least she'll fade away from your mind as time marches on.
          "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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          • #6
            Thank you everyone for taking the time in my concern and offering your input. I believe that it will be a very good idea to take a break for communicating. We actually discussed this, and she was very understanding in whatever choose. The tough thing is though. This week she is having someone she met on a dating app fly in from Canada for 4 days during Thanksgiving. It sounds like she'll be hanging around the house quite a bit. I think I'll be fine, but I just don't know. I've never been through this before.

            My biggest issue that I'm having, is seeing how she talks with him on the phone. I imagine it will be tougher in person. I remembered when she used to talk to me like that. Laughing and joking around. I told her how I felt a week ago, and how I felt duped in a way. How much she changed from the funny and cool person I enjoyed being with. To someone that was angry and bitter. Maybe because things weren't going as she planned. She said she was going through a tough moment in her life. I feel bad for not picking up on this. I think it was tough for her when I said I wasn't willing to move to Australia so soon. You see, she turns 40 in January. She's been very career oriented her whole life, and said that time is running out for her to have children. Understandable. So things were moving way too fast for me. Plus she was adamant about not wanting to raise a child here in the states. The amount of anti America talk was really waning on me. It was multiple things that caused the relationship to end Dazed & Confused . On her end, me not being affectionate enough was a big reason things didn't work out. Something I acknowledge and need to work on.

            I hope this kind of clears things up a bit if anyone was wondering. I'm really getting a crash course in relationships. This was my first adult relationship and I'm in my mid 30's, so it seems i have much to learn. Thanks again everyone for taking the time in reading my concern.

            Dazed & Confused

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            • #7
              Probably the biggest problem I see here is that you say this is your first real relationship and you're in your mid 30s. There is much to learn about women. We are complex creatures. I would highly recommend you date A LOT more just for fun and experience. Not for sex or potential marriage or anything like that. Just as a way to begin to understand women better. Just have fun and don't put pressure on yourself or them. Experience and communication are critical in relationships. It's the only way to understand yourself and the opposite sex. I wish you much luck!

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              • #8
                I hope this gives you more impetus to overcome the break up sadness that you are feeling and leave this shared accommodation with your ex. The information here in your second post/update #6 is alarming and should be triggering a lot of feelings for you. Those feelings of discomfort should be your catalysts to move on. You both broke up in June and it would make it coming to 5 months since the break. May I ask what you've done to secure yourself another place?

                You do not, under any circumstances, have to be there while this guest is in the house and you should be exploring those feelings of awkwardness and discomfort. Don't dumb it down or numb yourself (I know this is a painful experience). Those are your gut instincts telling you that it is an awkward situation and you really shouldn't be there. I had the impression from your first post that this is her apartment and she's not going anywhere. The onus is on you to get a move on and move on with your life. Her having this dating app guest over is a not so subtle hint from her to pull yourself together and move on. You don't belong there anymore and you should be taking the hint...pronto. I realize I'm stating the obvious but sometimes when we are in pain we need to hear the obvious so apologies if this sounds trite. Are you in a difficult financial position right now? Eliminate your largest expenses, work with the basics and start working with a budget if you have to. The easiest way to start is by getting a scrap piece of paper and start listing all your expenses, look back at your bank account and map out where your largest expenses are going also. Some banks will even categorize or classify your expenditures and already have a graph within your bank account/online banking. Use these tools.

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                • #9
                  Rose Mosse I have a place all lined up, and there are no financial issues. I understand the moving on part for sure. It's what I do after I move out that is eating at me. Maybe I'll give it a couple months and see where I'm at. I'm really tempted when I'm moved out to end all contact, but that might be a knee jerk reaction right now. Only time will heal.

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