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Lost in emotions and sexless relationship

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  • Lost in emotions and sexless relationship

    Hi everyone. I really need advise, Well here is the story. I've known my Fiance for 6 years now and our relationship has been on and off. When we started dating I truly believed in my heart that he was the man I was gonna spend the rest of my life with, I fell deep inlove with him, our sex life was simply amazing and the connection between us was strong, however, there were a lot of things I didn't approve of about him, he used to party a lot, was very irresponsible and I found out he also did cocain occasionally but not addicted so I started having a problem with his lifestyle basically. He was also going through a lot of financial problems also trying to build his advertising career so he ended up cheating on me with an older woman behind my back who was funding his lavish party lifestyle and helping him get clients for his advertising career. When i found out about the affair i ended things with him. I was very heardtbroken and althought it seemed like he was sorry for hurtig me,he didn't show any intentions of want in to fix things with me and he was not ready to really commit to me or give up this older woman for me because he was so intoxicated with the extravagant lifestyle of parting and clubbing and this older woman could afford him that lifestyle so no matter how much I loved him and deep down knew that he doesntt love this older woman but was with her for money, I accepted the reality and moved on because I didn't see the use of fighting for our relationship alone.

    Well I moved on with my life, made new friends and during that 2 years of our break up I met this guy who recruited me to work for him at his company and immidiately we clicked emotionally, sparks flew high so we started dating. A few weeks in the relationship I found out that he was married and has a son with his wife but they were on the verge of a divorce. I tried breaking off my relationship with him due to that fact but he begged me to give him time and in a few months he will be a free man, he also introduced me to his mother and siblings as the new woman in his life and they all accepted me warmly, everyone telling me how aweful his wife is and how they are so glad that their marriage is ending so I was convinced that he is really getting a divorce and that his wife is just an aweful woman from the things he and his family told me and that she was not deserving of him so I stayed in the relationship. Our relationship was great, we had good times together and good mind blowing sex. We both were addicted in making love with one another , the chemistry between us was crazy and I fell deep inlove with him. However, I could sense that he was not telling me the whole truth and i was not comfortable and fully convinced with the set up of his marriage, he was still staying with his wife and justified that by saying he doesn't want his son to be stressed by living seperatetly as the exams were approaching but assured me that he no longer has sex with his wife and that they are just cohabiting until the divorce is through and until he get his wife and son a new place to stay since they were financially dependant on him. The relationship continued and he started backing down from wanting the divorce to go through saying it will cripple him financially and he could loose everything he worked for but mostly that he felt a like the divorce will make him loose his son and he cannot risk that and that as his wife is aweful he feels bad for leaving after 15 years of marriage and that she is the one who helped him build his career and even if he is not happy in the marriage and he no longer wants to be with her he feels bad because the wife is begging him to stay and work on their relationahip so he stopped the divorce from going through. I wanted to leave him badly but i was addicted to the relationship already and was inlove and despite the fact that he had a wife he treated me very well and made me happy and i sensed he also had deep feelings for me and I enjoyed being with him as much as he enjoyed being with me. He would tell me that he will make me his second wife in due time as our culture allows that and I was a bit willing to accept that but confused as to whether i could really accept that set up or not. A year later into our relationship his wife found out about me and asked that we meet and had a deep conversation. I told her everything and she also told me that yes there are problems in their marriage but she is not giving up on her marriage and I should excuse myself from his husband's life as they are trying to work on their marriage and she will never accept polygamy from himand I knew I was also not willing to engag in such a relationship . As hard as it was I decided to respect her and broke up with him. He came begging for my love back but as much as I loved him I couldn't go back his time around because finally it was clear that the divorce is not gonna happen and also because it's like he didn't know what he wanted. One munite he wanted me, the next minute he wanted to work on his marriage. I finally cut all tires with him but deep down I remain loving and missing him.

    3 months later after bearking up with the married man, my now Fiance who I had previously broken up with before meeting this married man resurfaced in my life again. He wanted me back and was determined to win me back no matter what. He apologised for hurting me in the past, promised that he is a changed man, doesn't do parties and clubs anymore, he left the older lady he was dating because no matter how much money she would give him he just couldnt love her and how he realised I'm the woman he wants to spend his whole life with. The wounds from my last relationship with the married man were still fresh and i wanted them to heal fast and also to quickly forget about him so I decided to give my ex boyfiend now fiance another chance and I think that's where I made a mistake. I say that because i made an impulsive decision to reunite with him while I was still mourning my previous relationship and I don't really know if I did it because I wanted to really give him a chance or because I needed comfort from him. Yes I never stopped completely loving my now fiance but the connection was totally lost, we had been apart for 2 years already and in that 2 years I had fallen inlove with someone else. Even thougth he knew that the connection was lost from my side he had every hope and intention of fighting for it to come back and he fought very hard to prove to me that he is a changed man, he gave his life to Christ, didn't force me sleep with him, he is fully commited to me, started communicating with me opening up and I got to learn and understand that his previous lifestyle was influenced by fear and a lot of insecurities and he didn't really know how to love me then but deep down he is this sensitive, loving ,caring man. He basically started loving me like never before and trust was regained, love was developed again but somehow I struggled and still do struggle to be intimate with him and really connect physically. 8 months after taking him back he asked for my hand in marriage and I accepted his proposal and 2 years later I'm still with him and he remains consistant being this wonderful man Ive always prayed to God that he would become when we started dating previously. In all of that sex is still an issue in our relationship, he is a fine man, good looking than any guy ive ever dated who I used to drool over when I first met him but now I'm no longer sexually attracted to him. I struggle to have sex with him, the thought of having sex with him disgusts me, I prayed about it but I just can't, there were days where I would just try and it happend I fell pregnant. I wanted to break off the relationship because I felt like I'm being unfair to him for not giving him sex and also unfair to myself for always having to force myself to have sex with him but I couldn't because besides the sex I really love him and the is a lot of goodness in our relationship and he is a good man who not only loves me but shows it and now we are going to have a child.

    I reasoned that maybe i have temporal sex aversion an I'll be fine but it's been two years now and the pregnancy has made it worse. I don't even want him to touch or kiss me, I hate the smell of his breath especially now that I'm pregnant but In all that he remains commited, loving and understanding. What now confuses me is that as much as I thougt that I'm going through sex aversion and thought that my libido is just down I realsed when I think of my ex, the "married man" I become aroused and if I dwell on those thoughts I get to miss him so much i wanna call and meet with him but I refrain from doing so because i don't wanna ruin his relationship with his wife and I also don't want to ruin my mine. I feel that I have unresolved feeling' s for the married man and he also confessed to me that he just goes on in life and in his marriage for peace sake but deep down he wants to be with me but also doesnt want to inconvenience me in my relationship as well and wants to see me happy even if it's not with him. I'm waiting for the pregnancy to end and start counselling so that I reconnect with my Fiance because i love him but im scared what if even after the pregnancy and counselling I still can't have sex with him and continually have these hidden fantasies of my ex as much as my ex the married man has for me. I feel as thought I'm in a perfect relationship but it doesnt fully no me happy since there is no physical intimacy and connection and the married man also feels the same way about his marriage but because of not wanting to hurt anyone we decided not to pursue anything but both work on our relationships with our partners but is this situation fair on anyone? We are all trying to do what's right but none is completely happy

  • #2
    Firstly, you need to tell your fiance all this. Secondly, the married man never had any intentions of divorcing his wife and he never will. He lied, about many things. So you need to put him out of your head, forget about him for the sake of your new family. Get that counseling and be 100% honest with your fiance because the longer you leave it the harder it will be and you will end up resenting eachother. Don't bring your child into a world of resentment. Who knows, when he/she is born it may create a bond between you.
    I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!


    • #3
      There are a lot of layers to your post. I am sorry that you are dealing with all of this during this time of your life. Is there anyone you can reach out to a pastor, a trusted friend, a relative for wisdom and guidance? I would encourage you to reach out to people around you. I would suggest open communication and being honest. If you pray, I would also suggest praying about this situation. Sending hugs your way.