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  • New roommate

    New here, so hi everyone!

    So I'm unsure how to proceed with how I'm feeling.

    I started dating someone three months ago, male 32 works away for two weeks at a time. About 6 weeks ago a 22 year old moved in with him as a roommate. He owns his own house and thought having a roommate would be beneficial.

    This girl has a 5 year old that she has week on week off. So far no big deal. Except now that she's moved in it feels more like her place and He is the one renting a room. All the furniture and electronics are his but her stuff is everywhere. There's never any room to cook in the kitchen. This all doesn't seem to bother him but usually I'm the one who cooks for us, makes coffee, etc. Her 18 year old friend is constantly sleeping over on the couch so even making a midnight snack is a no go because it's an open concept living space. When he gets food for us he gets extra for her and the friend, he's even gone so far as to ask me to cook more at a time so she can eat too.

    Ontop of that she seems to take precedence, like their future as roommates seems more probable than us having a future together. When the three of us are in a shared space he doesn't speak to me, only to her. I have brought it up and he claims its because she's his roommate and he doesn't talk to her while he's at work. I expressed feeling like a third wheel to them and got the same response.

    I know we haven't been together that long but part of me wants to bail while the other part of me wants to figure it out. Am I just a mom figure to a man baby? Am I over reacting? I don't even know how to bring it up with him to seriously talk about it.

  • #2
    The truth is that he has every right to have a roommate, and she has every right to have her things in the apartment and have overnight guests, if that's what she and your boyfriend agreed to. It's actually not your business what he does with his apartment.

    Why don't you invite him to YOUR place? And if he's talking more to her than to you, perhaps they have more in common. Why not bring up interesting topics that you can all talk about? Are you coming off as petty and jealous when you're around them?

    You've already brought it up to him and he's told you why he talks to her. If you find this unacceptable or disrespectful to your relationship, you should mention it to him again, and if it doesn't stop, you need to end it.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      That sounds like hell to me. I'd exit stage left and let him chat her up and the other take advantage of free rent and board. He's, IMO acting like a schmuck and they're acting like they are taking advantage of his good nature.
      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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      • #4
        I think he has developed a romantic interest in his roommate. It's not usual for a roommate to be so fully included in the others relationship. She's nothing to do with your relationship so I thinks it's disrespectful of him to ask you to cook for her and include her when he buys food. Maybe you need to consider the fact that there is something going on between them. More than just roommates

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        • #5
          Sarah Lancaster, funny thing is is I'll bring up topics to spark conversation and he continues them with her, continuing to ignore me when I'm standing right there. I make an effort with her and when it's just her and I chatting she is sweet as pie but when he's around she rolls her eyes at me and ignores me same as him. He does not want to spend time at my place because he likes to be home when he's not at work, not for lack of trying on my part.
          ​​​​​​

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          • #6
            Liv454 I just want to hug you. There is very clearly something going on between them, especially since he wants to be there with her more than you. I think it's time to ditch this disrespectful idiot. You deserve sooo much better.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by Liv454 View Post
              Sarah Lancaster, funny thing is is I'll bring up topics to spark conversation and he continues them with her, continuing to ignore me when I'm standing right there. I make an effort with her and when it's just her and I chatting she is sweet as pie but when he's around she rolls her eyes at me and ignores me same as him. He does not want to spend time at my place because he likes to be home when he's not at work, not for lack of trying on my part.
              ​​​​​​
              Liv, then it appears that you're not high on his list of people. Why stay with him?
              "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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              • #8
                Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post

                Liv, then it appears that you're not high on his list of people. Why stay with him?
                I guess I just wasn't sure if I am over reacting or if something like this is a legitimate thing to be upset over (for lack of a better word..). When it is just him and I things are great, i met some of his close friends last night and things seemed to go well. I just don't know which one is the real him and if it's even worth bringing up

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by Dazed & Confused View Post
                  Liv454 I just want to hug you. There is very clearly something going on between them, especially since he wants to be there with her more than you. I think it's time to ditch this disrespectful idiot. You deserve sooo much better.
                  You're very sweet!

                  Half of me thinks you're right. The struggle is trying to get all of my brain to agree.

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                  • #10
                    Not nice. Man baby is funny enough but can't say for sure. He's definitely unattractive. No, you should not continue on with him. No, you are not overreacting. He'll figure it out eventually and no, it's not your job to teach him.

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                    • #11
                      It is clearly not comfortable spending time at his place. Even when she's not there, her stuff makes it difficult to cook and do the things you enjoy doing there. Thus, you stop going. You can certainly tell him why... It's not comfortable, you can be alone, you don't enjoy working around her shit, etc. If he can't come up with an acceptable alternative for spending time together--dates, your place, etc, then it's time to move on. As the others have said, you don't appear to he his priority.

                      Good luck

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                      • #12
                        Liv454 Three's a crowd. I agree. His circumstances aren't going to change nor his rapport with his roommate. Whenever you're at his apt, you're the cook who wears the chef's hat. Either continue on this same track with him or find a guy who doesn't have these same issues. Or, don't go to his apt and either have time at your place or in public somewhere. His apt is his domain so you'll need an alternate location if you want to be with him and have privacy, too.
                        "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                        • #13
                          You knew him for 6 weeks before he got a roommate.
                          But he works two weeks away at a time. So Iím guessing you only spent 3 weeks dating in person before she moved in?

                          And since she moved in dated him in person for another 3 weeks?

                          And all of a sudden she is encroaching on YOUR cooking space?
                          Sorry but she pays rent, you donít.

                          I think itís you in her kitchen , not the other way around.

                          He can have overnight guests (you) since he lives there and owns the house.
                          She can have overnight guests (her friend) since she is a paying tenant.

                          I dont think you have a right to dictate anything but you do have a right and choice not to spend time there if you donít like it.

                          Why dont you cook for him in your kitchen?

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                          • #14
                            She has asked him to go to her place but he refused.

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                            • #15
                              It's his house & it's up to him if he wants to rent a room out. If the person is paying rent then they are entitled to use all the facilities there.
                              However your boyfriend is treating you very shabbily & I think you should spell it out to him that you find this unacceptable.
                              If it continues then nip it in the bud & finish with him. It will only get worse if you don't.

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