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My unhealthy relationship has ended but I feel guilty, thinking about contacting her.

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  • My unhealthy relationship has ended but I feel guilty, thinking about contacting her.

    Just looking for some advice really. Itís been over 4 weeks since my ex broke up with me for probably something like the 30th time in 3 years. This time she said she didnít love me & she had felt like it for over a month. I felt relieved to be honest because I was getting mentally exhausted from all the drama. There were a lot of red flags that I noticed but didnít do anything about. From the beginning I had an instant feeling of discord but couldnít put my finger on it. After a few months the break ups started. She would end the relationship over petty things but always blame me. There was verbal abuse from her in the beginning & although it did taper off, she could still have her moments. There were instances in which she said some really nasty things about my appearance & how she was too good for me but again I agreed to get back with her. Her family appeared to be very dysfunctional with verbal abuse & alcohol problems. I am guessing this dynamic may of contributed to how she was.
    She would often Ďtestí me. She would say things to intentionally see my reaction & if I reacted in a way, she didnít like then it would be hell. This made me paranoid & I had to check each text before I sent it. If we argued, it wouldnít take long before she would start verbally abusing me. I would tell her that I wasnít putting up with it & she would either say ďdonít annoy me thenĒ or ďyou know where the door isĒ.
    She was unbelievable clingy to the point that she would demand my attention when she wanted but it was fine for her to be left alone when it suited her. I had repeated texts messages when I was busy at work & if I didnít reply within 5 minutes & got a barrage of abuse & called ignorant. I explained on numerous occasions that I am busy at work & sometimes it is not possible for me to answer the texts. As I work in construction I am am unable to get to my phone sometimes. She seemed to acknowledge this but then it would continue. Also, if the text I sent was on the short side maybe because I was super busy, she would interrogate it. Labelling me as being Ďbluntí or asking me what was wrong.
    Arguments were often & occasionally I would be asked to apologise for basically sticking up for myself as this was nasty behaviour. This was a clever tactic that she would deploy. The original cause of the argument would be forgotten about which was 99% of the time due to her erratic behaviour & then the attention would be put onto me for being nasty & standing my ground. I would then be asked to apologise. I felt like i was walking on egg shells all the time.
    A few times after we broke up, she contacted me again. She initially broke up with me because she didnít love me but then wanted to get back with me because she said she loved me a lot. We talked a bit & she changed to not loving me in that way. I explained that it will never work out or it would have done by now. She sort of agreed & I said that we could be friends. She said ok & we have spoke a few times via text just about normal stuff. When she first contacted me a week later she asked if I was ok then started interrogating me on whether I had been speaking to other women when we were dating & when we broke up. I found this a little insensitive to be honest.
    I never want to get back with her, but I do care about her & I know this time of year is tough for her as she lost a close relative a few years ago. I feel a lot better at the moment & stronger. I think she dented my already low self esteem which I want to get back. I do not regret the relationship as itís shown me my flaws & in what areas I need to grow. But when I donít talk to her, I keep feeling guilty as if I am not being a good person. I keep thinking that I should text her to see if sheís ok.

    She did make a comment that she doesn't ever want a boyfriend again & she feels better so I'm sure she is ok plus she's booked a vacation.
    Could someone give me some advice please?

  • #2
    From everything you've said, it's obvious that the two of your are incompatible. There may be some physical or emotional attraction, but the two of you are not good for the long term.

    Why would you put up with her verbal abuse? Do you have issues with self-image?

    My advice is to find someone who is not so volatile.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
      From everything you've said, it's obvious that the two of your are incompatible. There may be some physical or emotional attraction, but the two of you are not good for the long term.

      Why would you put up with her verbal abuse? Do you have issues with self-image?

      My advice is to find someone who is not so volatile.
      Yeah I know deep down it was not meant to be. I am over the relationship bit, I do still care about her & I am just worried in case she is upset.

      My self esteem is not the best & I think hers is the same too.

      I would say I have codependency issues too. I saw a therapist a few months ago which helped. In fact the therapy helped me to see that I was allowing unhealthy behaviour & this led me to putting down boundaries. I told her that if she broke up with me then it would be the last time & I stuck with that even though she asked if we could try again.

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      • #4
        Good for you. Keep your resolve. Find someone who appreciates you.
        "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

        Comment


        • #5
          Please don't feel guilty about her. This woman emotionally abused you for a long time and she had no right to interogate you whether or not you talk to other women while you were broken up. Your relationship was very draining on you and was slowly crushing you. You don't need to contact her anymore and deserve to move on and have a good life after that. I hope you meet a woman one day that can show you how you should be treated.

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          • #6
            When reading your opening post the first thing that came to my mind was that your ex suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder. I think if you google those two terms you'll be able to see her in most of the symptoms.

            Anyway, enough arm chair mental diagnosis: The thing that you have to be aware of is that you are codependent and its your mis-placed need to fix/caretake that is making you feel guilty.

            If you can't get her out of your head then why not continue (or go back to) counselling with someone who is proficient in codependency issues who can help you with your self-worth so that you truly believe that you can do better than some nutcase who treated you like shit.

            You can be certain that she is doing just fine and will be on the hunt for her next victim.

            Don't worry about her and instead focus on you and getting to the stage where you know that you deserve better than the likes of her.
            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

            Comment


            • #7
              I'll add that the worst thing you can be doing to your own emotional health is keeping in contact, in any manner, with her. You should go zero contact so you can rehab from the addiction of her being in your life.
              "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Dazed & Confused View Post
                Please don't feel guilty about her. This woman emotionally abused you for a long time and she had no right to interogate you whether or not you talk to other women while you were broken up. Your relationship was very draining on you and was slowly crushing you. You don't need to contact her anymore and deserve to move on and have a good life after that. I hope you meet a woman one day that can show you how you should be treated.
                Thank you. When she started interrogating me I actually giggled to myself because I couldn't believe what she was doing. Only 10 minutes prior to this she was telling me how much she missed me etc. then asked if I was ok. I really thought she cared about me until she started asking me if I was speaking to anyone else. I actually told her that she wasn't doing herself any favours asking me this. She commented that I must be speaking to other women & if I am not then it is strange. To me it's not strange & I want to take this opportunity to work on myself & be happy by myself.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
                  When reading your opening post the first thing that came to my mind was that your ex suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder. I think if you google those two terms you'll be able to see her in most of the symptoms.

                  Anyway, enough arm chair mental diagnosis: The thing that you have to be aware of is that you are codependent and its your mis-placed need to fix/caretake that is making you feel guilty.

                  If you can't get her out of your head then why not continue (or go back to) counselling with someone who is proficient in codependency issues who can help you with your self-worth so that you truly believe that you can do better than some nutcase who treated you like shit.

                  You can be certain that she is doing just fine and will be on the hunt for her next victim.

                  Don't worry about her and instead focus on you and getting to the stage where you know that you deserve better than the likes of her.
                  Thanks for your reply. I have googled those & they do really resemblance a lot of how she acted!

                  I do believe I need or at least can fix things. This came from my parents arguing & I would always stop them so I believed from an early age that it was my responsibility to fix people. We discovered this in therapy.

                  I have been reading codependent no more which has been a good help & plenty of YouTube videos. When I start missing her or thinking of contacting her I play over the nasty things she's said in my head & think about all the times that she dumped me & realise that I deserve more than that.

                  I actually think she had another person lined up. She used to check my phone & accuse me all the time of talking to women which I never was but she was very secretive & would often have her phone turned off when she came to see me or the battery would conveniently run down just before. I never confronted her about any of this but my gut feeling was that something was a miss.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
                    I'll add that the worst thing you can be doing to your own emotional health is keeping in contact, in any manner, with her. You should go zero contact so you can rehab from the addiction of her being in your life.
                    Yeah I have to go cold Turkey to get her out of my head. I haven't contacted her once since we broke up. She has contacted me but that's stopped now. I should just block her number really. Thanks for your advice.

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                    • #11
                      You're welcome. Good on you for reading and doing self-help. When you have the nerve, do block and delete her so that the door is completely closed to her. You don't need the likes of her walking through any left open doors, fletcher.

                      Cheers.
                      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by fletcher78 View Post

                        Thank you. When she started interrogating me I actually giggled to myself because I couldn't believe what she was doing. Only 10 minutes prior to this she was telling me how much she missed me etc. then asked if I was ok. I really thought she cared about me until she started asking me if I was speaking to anyone else. I actually told her that she wasn't doing herself any favours asking me this. She commented that I must be speaking to other women & if I am not then it is strange. To me it's not strange & I want to take this opportunity to work on myself & be happy by myself.
                        Good for you, and you truly deserve it after all that you went through

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
                          You're welcome. Good on you for reading and doing self-help. When you have the nerve, do block and delete her so that the door is completely closed to her. You don't need the likes of her walking through any left open doors, fletcher.

                          Cheers.
                          Thank you & I plan on doing that. I actually do not regret a thing. I believe there's lessons to be learned in most things & if it helps me grow into a better person then some good will come out of it.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Dazed & Confused View Post

                            Good for you, and you truly deserve it after all that you went through
                            Thank you! I think at first I thought I didn't deserve much & tha'ts why I put up with all the break ups & verbal abuse etc.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by fletcher78 View Post

                              Thank you & I plan on doing that. I actually do not regret a thing. I believe there's lessons to be learned in most things & if it helps me grow into a better person then some good will come out of it.
                              A good attitude, fletcher.
                              "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                              Comment

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