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"Luckily " Confused

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  • "Luckily " Confused

    Background:
    Me: 30, Her: 38, both single parents, both have almost the same background, similar interests and been together 4 years and one month to date w/ only 2 short breaks within this time.

    Depression Songs on Rotation: Kendrick Lamar-Ignorance Is Bliss, XXX Tentacion-F*ck love, Andy Grammar-Miss Me, Khalid-Coaster and Juice WRLD-Lucid Dreams.

    Short Version:

    We both had major stress factors that almost broke us to the point that when I called for space, she couldn't take it, yet, she called for space and now its on her terms. It wasn't as bad because I automatically refrained from the begging and crying and just dealt with it. She blocked my number at first for a few hours but she unblocked it that same night a d we talked about it. It became mutual. I feel like we still got a good chance being together because she said that the love is still there and it never changed. She feels broken from the recent events as well as I and some things in the past and she said she cant bring anything to the table and it wasn't fair. I went NC every other day and kept contact low. She still answers when I text or call and it seems like nothing much...as far as I know changed besides wanting the space. I've investigated to make sure it isn't someone else (as you know how that can change) and it does seem genuine.

    Long Version:

    For a few years we both always talked about moving in together one day and see how it goes. I was reluctant to do so as I don't liked being rushed into things without first seeing it at face value long term and short. Sept. 20th of this year, she had to move in with me due to getting evicted and she was stressed about her car no longer working and her job is on the brink of being gone. Before then, I was already in undue stress via losing my great grandmother to cancer, my cousin to murder, lost my job of 2 years, and a cps case (found innocent later on) ALL IN ONE WEEK, the week of Sept. 14th. Although I knew better, I tried to see if she could stay anywhere else or just come back and forth because of the stress factor that could set in between us. Not that I didn't want her to move in with me, but because of the stressful terms it was on, I felt it wasn't ideal since this was not the way we both planned to move in together but being a man with a woman in distress and kids, I had to do it...its love right?

    Well our intertwining stresses began to cause even the most mundane issues spiral out of control. We started fighting a lot more and became less intimate. I started to drink a bit and she started to go to bed early. We had a few temper flair ups to where, honestly, I could've gotten violent but it didn't. She threw things and yelled and vice versa. I started feeling withdrawn and exhausted and I could feel she did too. So I told her one day that her and our kids could have the apt and ill go to sleep at my brothers house to give that "space" so I wont be too much of a bother. We talked about the issues at hand and we both agreed that this would have been better if those stress factors weren't involved. She said my plan to leave wasn't a "good one" and it didn't make since to do that?? Ok. So I trucked along with it hoping, just hoping something would give...or change. Nope, it kept getting worse to the point to where we would only talk to each other about the kids, cooking, or pick up to and from work. We tried the small talk, but you could feel the awkwardness like you know we wasn't really trying.

    Well this past Sunday, I went to go drink a little bit, just get my throat wet enough and my brain buzzing enough to just come home and prepare for the sh#tstorm to happen. I come home and it was quiet. I went to my room and her tv was gone, clothes scattered and other items gone. I immediately called her to which she did not answer via blocked my number and on social media. So I called her one last time, left her a voicemail and hope for her to call me back...me messaged me instead but hey, at this moment it better than nothing. We texted it out and she told me that she couldn't stay there with me because she is broken down and she got her stuff so it would be a fight in case i was there and tried to stop her to leave. Ok...ill give her that one, especially taking in to account that I was drinking a little bit. After that, we have stayed in contact LUCKILY although I felt like going into NC a few times. We are still texting each other at a low rate, but enough to know that we have love for each other and that we are not holding grudges. we still say good morning and good night. I still try to not think of anything that could cause jealousy and push her away. she reassures me that she doesn't want anyone else and that she will feel much better once she gets her own place and get her car running again. She want to have the same relationship that we once had BEFORE the move in. I told her that IF she needs me for a ride or anything to help the kids, let me know...she says OK.

    She came over today to pick up her daughter that walked from school to my apt and she came in to get a few things. She smiled and we embraced twice. I mentioned that she looked good and she smiled and said thank you. I walked her down and we conversated for a little bit before she drove off. We hugged again before she left. Now...I feel a little bit better. so my questions are these: In hindsight and foreshadowing, or do I still have a chance to stay with her or am I tripping? Is my reactions (that she cant see) normal? How do I know that this wont drag out long enough to make her change her mind? Do I follow my heart and stay in low contact mode to not push the issue and keep it at a safe distance or keep randomizing the NC rule every few days to give her days to herself or NC completely? When is it the right time to take her "on a date" during this break to keep the attraction high? I am slightly depressed of that SMALL chance of losing her. What do I do???
    Last edited by Jspin88; November 9th, 2018, 09:31 PM.

  • #2
    Leave it the way it is and keep your distance. She's told you more than once she has to work on herself (job/car/whatever situation that's causing her self-esteem to plummet below zero). You CANNOT help those who have to help themselves that way except to give them the space they need and encourage them on their journey...on their way to a better place. She's trying to dig herself out of the hole she's in (mentally/emotionally and probably financially) so let her. Someone who tells you in some way that they feel like shit because they can't bring anything to the table is telling you point blank that he/she needs to feel more useful/validated/valuable. When she's in a better space you both can revisit rekindling your relationship. Right now you both should be there for your kids. Nothing more.
    Last edited by Rose Mosse; November 10th, 2018, 03:19 AM.

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    • #3
      Very blunt...but i like it. Thank you.

      When I felt like giving her space first, she said that it was a "dumb idea", it didn't make sense and we needed to communicate more. Ok fine. Yet, 2 days later she takes her things and bounce, leaving me with heartache? That alone shows she must wanted to be in control of the break via not feeling the guilt that I feel now. My 1st question is WHY did she do that to me?

      She recently said to me that she will need my help getting a job as I do have some pull to get her a job. I actually helped getting her 3 jobs...I know thats a lot in a 4 year span. My second question is, do I back off and let her learn to "survive" on her own? I don't want her to feel like I'm abandoning her but I feel that the reason she could be feeling this way is because she lost her independence and I was mostly taking care of everything for her and she needs her independence back.

      Comment


      • #4
        I strongly recommend you go your separate ways. You just sound so bad for each other. I know you both have issues but no relationship should be this complicated. Make a clean break and take care of yourself for a while. Get yourself into a good place again before you consider investing into a relationship. She needs to so the same.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Dazed & Confused View Post
          I strongly recommend you go your separate ways. You just sound so bad for each other. I know you both have issues but no relationship should be this complicated. Make a clean break and take care of yourself for a while. Get yourself into a good place again before you consider investing into a relationship. She needs to so the same.
          I understand. The only thing is, ALL of this happened in a 2 month time span living with each other with our separate stresses building on each other with no time apart because we saw each other everyday. We both agreed that that issue alone was the cause of the demise, otherwise we would have been good and I wouldn't be on this forum (although it is helping a bit) right now. We really have a good relationship as far as talking about getting married and she was even considering tube reversal so we can have a child of our own. It was never this complicated until this. The break was technically mutual 51/49. Im doing all I can to remain strong in this. Thank you for your reply and input.

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          • #6
            You're welcome. I wish you all the best of luck in this

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Jspin88 View Post
              Very blunt...but i like it. Thank you.

              When I felt like giving her space first, she said that it was a "dumb idea", it didn't make sense and we needed to communicate more. Ok fine. Yet, 2 days later she takes her things and bounce, leaving me with heartache? That alone shows she must wanted to be in control of the break via not feeling the guilt that I feel now. My 1st question is WHY did she do that to me?

              She recently said to me that she will need my help getting a job as I do have some pull to get her a job. I actually helped getting her 3 jobs...I know thats a lot in a 4 year span. My second question is, do I back off and let her learn to "survive" on her own? I don't want her to feel like I'm abandoning her but I feel that the reason she could be feeling this way is because she lost her independence and I was mostly taking care of everything for her and she needs her independence back.
              I'll mention again - she's not in the right head space. People who aren't thinking straight can't be relied on for the most logical answers so your first question about why she left you with heartache is anyone's guess (least of all a forum of strangers). The only person who may tell you that answer is her somewhere down the line. I wouldn't press for answers now because...she's just not feeling well. I hope for your sake you are able to let this go and heal on your own. Depending on her telling you anything for closure is not a good way to maintain your own peace of mind. You should take care of yourself, your own reliability regarding your job/career and most of all as a dad to your kids.

              I wouldn't get her a job after three failed attempts. Why are your alarm bells not going off? Is there any substance or alcohol abuse here? If there is she needs more help than you can offer and finding her a job isn't going to do anything to fix her deeper issues. I don't know why anyone would rely on another person so heavily regarding their employability. You're running the risk of enabling her, not just hindering her independence.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post

                I'll mention again - she's not in the right head space. People who aren't thinking straight can't be relied on for the most logical answers so your first question about why she left you with heartache is anyone's guess (least of all a forum of strangers). The only person who may tell you that answer is her somewhere down the line. I wouldn't press for answers now because...she's just not feeling well. I hope for your sake you are able to let this go and heal on your own. Depending on her telling you anything for closure is not a good way to maintain your own peace of mind. You should take care of yourself, your own reliability regarding your job/career and most of all as a dad to your kids.

                I wouldn't get her a job after three failed attempts. Why are your alarm bells not going off? Is there any substance or alcohol abuse here? If there is she needs more help than you can offer and finding her a job isn't going to do anything to fix her deeper issues. I don't know why anyone would rely on another person so heavily regarding their employability. You're running the risk of enabling her, not just hindering her independence.
                I'll reiterate...I never said that I am currently pressing her for answers nor am I depending on her answers from her...isn't this what THIS forum is about? To get outside help and/or opinions to figure things out? I merely asked for a difference of an opinion of why she did what she did and do I back completely off to survive. nothing more. No there is no substance abuse as we are BOTH are non smokers and social drinkers since you asked. My bells already had went off hence me asking about her independency aforementioned earlier. Also, its not the point that she is relying on me heavily, she has a felony (NOT DRUG RELATED if you must know) and its hard for her to get certain jobs, so I help expand my search for her to increase the likelihood of her getting one.

                With me already starting NC since yesterday, she contacted me on her own and we talked a little bit. I did not bring up ANYTHING about the relationship...i was casual as I normally am. She stated that she wanted to talk about her situation and us and I agreed. I told her if she is serious, she will call me as she says to do so. Otherwise in the back of my mind, im going NC until this situation blows over.

                Comment


                • #9
                  UPDATE

                  Well for the past couple of days, we have been talking again...even to the point of her and the kids moving back in. But now, I feel different about it all since the break almost 3 weeks ago. Its something about being broken down to the point of nothing, only to build yourself back stronger and realizing that everything isn't what it seems to be through rose colored glasses. Long story short, I see her in a different light and its hard to not see past that. love her, but my wall is up and saving myself" for myself" so if she decides to ditch again ill be alright. We recently had a one sided "argument" (which she was the aggressor) and I proved a major point to her about her attitude.

                  After countless times i had to tell her to stop cussing at me, yelling at me, and stop and JUST listen, i was fed up and told her straight up, "You mean after almost 3 weeks of us going on break, you haven't learn nothing about yourself yet?? You are the one yelling, screaming, cussing me out and ect... and you mean to tell me that you left me because of THOSE issues that you are CURRENTLY displaying? It sounds cliche but now i KNOW its not me anymore...its you!" The look on her face was priceless. I told also that i refuse to stoop to her level and that i am picking the battle that is worth fighting and that wasn't one of those. If her if she cant respect me in my own house and straighten up then she is more than welcome to go. So far, no issues since, but im not going to cement myself in that feeling. I love my new self and the person I am becoming again. Thanks to this forum and perseverance of myself, I feel so much better and will continue to do so regardless of what happens.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    In 4 years you have broken up 3 times. Let this be the last time because you two are clearly not suited to last long term.

                    She is a mother , who needs to prove she can be a good mother before she can ever be a good partner.
                    She needs to be able to hold down a job for more than a year , provide a stable environment for her child (long term accomodation) independent of a man, be responsible for her own finances to fund the upkeep of her transportation etc.

                    Her moving out of a home you provided for her and her child on a whim without even the courtesy of discussing it with you , just goes to show that she was there not out of love but out of what she can gain.

                    And now she wants to come back? Why? Are her funds running low? Still no car or job?
                    Itís not up to you to rescue a damsel in distress.
                    And in fact you wouldnít be rescuing her at all, you would just be enabling her behaviour so she can continue being who she is.
                    The girl that breaks up with you when it suits her and the girl that can come back when it suits her.

                    By the way going NC is a permanent thing.
                    Contacting someone every other day is not NC , itís just contacting less than you are accustomed to.

                    I suggest you get off this pointless roller coaster.
                    Up and down and going nowhere.

                    So go NC! Block her and be done.

                    Good luck!

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                    • #11
                      Your new self confidence is great, I'm pleased for you. But it won't last if you keep the same problem in your life. The problem being her. If she hasn't changed by now she never will. She will inevitably bring down your new found confidence and you will right back at square 1 again. Keep your new self and find a new love. Fresh start for your life.

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