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  • Can I save it?

    Hello everyone

    I would like to start out by saying I read all of the sticky's and am very well aware of the fact that my story is nothing special or anything different from other stories.

    I was in a relationship with a girl for 1 year and 3 months. In my eyes, it was a good relationship but afterwards, mostly because of her explaining, she made me see I was not the boyfriend I thought I was.
    Too much jealousy, controlling behaviour etc etc is what she had to endure while being with me.

    Two weeks ago, she broke up with me. For me it came all of a sudden but she explained how it was a process of months. She tried to let me know all of the things that bothered her, but never said so explicitly.
    She backed up her breaking up by saying she still loves me a lot but "can't go back to the relationship. At least not now." In her head, she let things come too far before speaking up. Because she went so far, she needs time and space.

    Of course I am fully prepared to give her the time and space she needs but she said the chance we get back is very small.
    Part of me believes the relationship is over, but the largest part still believes I could make things right and move on together with her.

    We decided to meet today, as a way of saying goodbye because WhatsApp is not a very mature way of ending a relationship (though of course it would've been the smartest option in the end).
    We went for a walk in the forest during which she constantly wanted to hold my hand, hug me or sometimes give me a kiss on my cheek or very close to my lips. This made it all so confusing for me, though I kept my distance. At least in the beginning. At the end of the walk, she stayed by her decision of breaking up but agreed on my proposal of talking now and then during a month. This would give her more time and space to think (we would talk about 2 or 3 times a week) while not having made a final decision yet.

    Last thing I'd like to mention is: during the relationship, I believe she's been pretty honest apart from one thing, half a year ago. She spent a lot of time talking to a guy over her phone but lied to me about it. Three times she told me she had no contact with the guy, but three times she lied. Eventually she stopped talking to him. I can see how childish this may come across, but for me the dishonesty about it in combination with my low self-esteem, really bothered me. Sad thing is, we've only been broken up for two weeks but she talks to him again regularly. She says it's not because she talks to him, there is anything going on and she wouldn't date him as long we don't have closure.

    Reactions are welcome, though not necessary. I'm glad I could write it off and have the feeling somebody read it!

  • #2
    Well, I know you don't want to hear this but you'd be doing yourself an emotional favor to give her that closure and tell her you're going zero contact now so you can get over her. She's keeping you hooked until she sees if something develops with the guy she's been talking to for a long time now.

    So end it so you can heal and then when you're feeling more indifferent to her, get yourself out there and enjoy yourself as you go about finding her replacement.

    Adding: Did she happen to find you "jealous" and "controlling" because you got upset that she was talking to this other guy?
    Last edited by phasesofthemoon; November 9th, 2018, 05:02 PM.
    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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    • #3
      Thank you for your message!
      I do not really believe she is keeping me hooked until she sees development with the other guy. The period she talked to him was february - march but I believe there was no contact after that since now.
      Yes, she found me jealous and controlling because of that but she probably found that already before the incident with that guy.

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      • #4
        How exactly do you know that she's been talking to him lately? Does she tell you?

        Look, when a girl tells a guy that the chance of getting back together is small, take her at her word. She wants out. However, she has invested a year and three months with you, and she is finding it hard (out of habit) to just walk away from you...that's why she's talking about staying in touch, etc. But I don't think that's a good idea. Staying in touch will only prolong the pain and make it hurt more when she finally tells you that she's now with the other guy. Cut your losses and go no contact.

        Also, work on your self-esteem. Women find confidence a very appealing trait in men.
        "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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        • #5
          How can you be sure that she ever stopped talking to him? She could've been doing it at the times she wasn't with you. I agree with phases, I think she's keeping you hanging until she sees if anything will happen with this other guy.

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          • #6
            This isn't the right girl for you. She's stringing you along and toying with you. The kissing and other physical affections during your walk in the forest also suggests she's not comprehending the end of your relationship or losing you in her life and she doesn't respect you, period. Whether she's talking to another guy or not, she did lie about it several times. If you can't trust her to verbally tell you the truth regarding her relationships/friendships with other men, how can you trust her with anything else?

            Even if you both reconcile, then what? Do you really think your mind will be at ease after 3 instances of lying at the start and a total break down (break up) while she's talking to him? Think about future tense in the best case scenario in your mind (ie getting back together with her and her side boy issues).



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            • #7
              Originally posted by RadioApoc View Post
              Thank you for your message!
              I do not really believe she is keeping me hooked until she sees development with the other guy. The period she talked to him was february - march but I believe there was no contact after that since now.
              Yes, she found me jealous and controlling because of that but she probably found that already before the incident with that guy.
              As Dazed has mentioned... how do you know she actually stopped talking to him? She started talking to him again pretty quickly after supposedly ending it with you while she keeps you hanging onto her.

              I have a feeling you aren't actually overly controlling or jealous and her actions with this guy just triggered that in you. It would trigger many (most?) people into insecurity actually.

              Up to you if you want to keep entertaining her hooks but you're not giving her any reason to change a thing as long as you keep accepting what she's doing while she pursues another man.
              "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

              Comment


              • #8
                I want to thank everyone for responding. Knowing people read and respond, means a lot.

                Sadly, I know I have been too controlling in this relationship and that I have been too controlling in previous relationships. When it comes to relationships, the fear of losing my girlfriend to another guy is irrationally high. This is a huge point where I drove her away from me. That guy I am talking about: I'm pretty sure she stopped texting with him. We had a huge fight after the 'lies' and after that, I think it became clear. The reason she talked so much to him then, is because he made her feel good about subjects where I was not nice to her. For example: she then just became self-employed then and I failed to be supportive due to the extremely low wage she was getting. That guy is also self-employed and what she could not find with me, she found with him. I believe he was soft of a rebound for her then and I believe he is it now again.

                All of this doesn't really matter and I do know all of you people are right about what should happen next. She doesn't keep me om the hook, I keep myself on the hook by asking myself if she needs more time, despite her telling me she can't go back to us. She said she'd text me wednesday (so I wouldn't be wondering all the time when she would actually send me). When she sends me, I'll tell her I won't wait any longer because I can not do it anymore.

                Without taking all of the blame for the failed relationship, I can confirm 80% of the reason for the breakup is my fault. I have a lot of work to do on myself.

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                • #9
                  You can't take most of the blame here. You did't help with your controlling issues, but I actually I think she's worse with the lying and talking to other guys. You don't do that if you are in a committed relationship. You would be better off having nothing else to do with her. She's not good for you at all.

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