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Fresh out of a relationship, found someone new but my heart is breaking again already

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  • Fresh out of a relationship, found someone new but my heart is breaking again already

    Hello, I'm new to the forum.

    I've been really depressed the past week or so, and I really need some advice. Bear with me here, as this is kind of complex.

    I recently broke up with my high-school girlfriend of two years, about a month or so ago. I was stuck in a relationship that I was unsure about. I felt numb to everything, finding myself longing to be free again or pursue someone else but I was afraid to hurt her feelings. I finally had enough of her constant jealousy and shaming me, so I mustered up the courage to end it.

    Shortly before we broke up, I made a new friend from my chemistry lab at my college. She and I worked together in class, and we just kind of clicked. I found myself looking forward to going to school just to see her, so I could get away from my failing relationship. She and I begun talking over Snapchat, and started flirting. It started to develop into something after I broke up with my girlfriend. I waited a while to admit to this new girl that I was in a failing relationship, but she took it well. We started spending more and more time together and went out on a lunch date. I could feel myself falling deeply in love like I had never felt with my ex. Every day, we sit together in my car after class just to hang out. One day, maybe a week ago, we kissed for the first time in my car. This turned into a normal routine, holding hands, kissing and touching each other.

    At this point, I felt like we were at the beginning of a brand new relationship, and I was really happy. I would think about her from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed. We shared personal stories about our families and our lives, our goals. I fell for this girl in 2 weeks, harder than I fell for my ex in two years.

    It turned bad when I finally approached her about starting a relationship. I told her I really liked her and I'd like to start a relationship. I was surprised when she backed off and said she was working on herself and wasn't sure she was ready for a relationship yet. She did admit to "really liking" me though. Earlier that day before I approached her, she and I were hanging out in my car when her best friend called her. Her friend asked what she was up to, to which she responded she was spending time with me. I could've sworn I heard her friend say "oh, what about Josh?" I wasn't entirely sure, so I didn't want to make an ass of myself and ask her about it, so I didn't say anything. After asking her about starting a relationship, I apologized for not asking if she was talking to anyone else. I kind of figured it was an obvious "no," but I wanted to make sure.

    It's a good thing I asked because she replied with "yes, but on and off. His name is Josh and I met him through my cousin when I was visiting my family in Florida." (note, we both live in NY state). I ended up saying something like "ok, I understand, what if we take things slow and just keep going?" To which she agreed. Maybe four days later we were hanging out after class again and she got a call on her phone. I watched her pick it up to look at the screen and then she frantically threw it down. I asked who it was, and she was reluctant to tell me. She finally admitted " it's the on and off guy I told you about." This really broke me, because I kind of just assumed she would end her other thing if she was seeing me every day.

    I abruptly left and told her I would see her tomorrow. She knew I was upset. When I got home, I told her how I really felt and I told her I wasn't interested in playing games. I asked her several serious questions, to which she gave short answers. I asked her what she wanted me to do now. She said she didn't know. I finally gave her an ultimatum. I said "listen, do I make you happy?" She said yes. I said "do you want to lose me?" She said no. I said "does your other friend make you happier than I do?" She said no. I finally said "ok, now, do you want to keep talking or do you want me to go?" She said she wanted to keep talking. I said "ok, now if we keep talking I expect some loyalty or at the very least, some honesty. Okay?" She said okay.

    I'm still so uneasy about this. I can't eat or focus on schoolwork. She's in my head 24/7. I find myself constantly checking my phone to see if I have messages or snaps from her. She replies to my messages very slowly, usually with short answers. Some nights she flirts and seems interested, some nights she doesn't. When I'm with her in person she seems very interested. She insists on walking to class with me, sits with me every day after class, wants to be partners with me in lab, tells me I look cute or handsome nearly every day. She smiles and laughs when she talks to me. We still kiss every day. The other day she told me a disturbing thing (I won't go into detail as it is her privacy) that happened to her 4 years ago that she only told one other person about. It was traumatizing and she said it often replays in her head and makes her depressed. I comforted her and gave her my best advice.

    I am at the point where I want her badly and I want to win her over. I am very sweet to her. This morning before class, she asked if I could make her some coffee and bring it to her. I made her some coffee and I left it in her car with a hand-written appreciation/love note. I thought it might help boost her mood after she admitted being depressed the day before. She thanked me kind of blandly for both the coffee and the note and didn't mention anything about how I suggested another date soon on the note. This kind of put me in a bad mood, but she acted like she didn't know why I was being so quiet around her.

    I feel like I like her much more than she likes me, and it's driving me nuts. I haven't liked anyone this much before. I haven't felt this depressed in a very long time and I want it to end. I don't find joy in anything I normally do because she is on my mind constantly. How did I fall in love this fast? I'm starting to think this isn't worth it. Should I keep trying? Should I give up and leave her behind? I'm not sure what to do at this point and I really need some closure.

    To whoever reads this, thank you very much for your time. I will greatly appreciate any advice I can get.

  • #2
    Mark, you're a bit overbearing there asking her all those questions. It sounds like you were reprimanding a 2 year old for eating off the ground. Even then I still wouldn't speak to a 2 year old like that. I understand you're pissed off and frustrated but that's no way to treat a lady. She's been very honest with you and you are running the risk of turning into a bully.

    I'm not saying that she's perfect or that her situation doesn't raise red flags. I'd caution you to exercise some control if you can help yourself. This is not how you treat a woman and the more you keep pushing her and demanding her "loyalty" the further you will push her away and the more you will lose yourself. By losing yourself, I mean you're going to look back one day and realize who the hell you turned into and why you are so miserable and why no one wants to be around you. Let things be and let it rest for a moment. Don't rush it and don't push her. You cannot control her. What you can do is control your own actions and how you live your life.

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
      Mark, you're a bit overbearing there asking her all those questions. It sounds like you were reprimanding a 2 year old for eating off the ground. Even then I still wouldn't speak to a 2 year old like that. I understand you're pissed off and frustrated but that's no way to treat a lady. She's been very honest with you and you are running the risk of turning into a bully.

      I'm not saying that she's perfect or that her situation doesn't raise red flags. I'd caution you to exercise some control if you can help yourself. This is not how you treat a woman and the more you keep pushing her and demanding her "loyalty" the further you will push her away and the more you will lose yourself. By losing yourself, I mean you're going to look back one day and realize who the hell you turned into and why you are so miserable and why no one wants to be around you. Let things be and let it rest for a moment. Don't rush it and don't push her. You cannot control her. What you can do is control your own actions and how you live your life.
      Rose, thank you very much for the advice. I can see where you're coming from about reprimanding a 2 year old. That more or less was just a summary of our conversation. When I tried to get her to talk, she would constantly reply "I dont know." She kept saying she was confused, so at the time I thought it would be best to break it down into simpler steps to see if I could help her see through it. Right now I am working on slowing down with the questions and replies to her. I am basically pretending that I have more important things to worry about to prevent myself from being too overbearing. Today I went for a ride to clear my head and set my phone down for a while. I felt more like myself. It is hard these days to forget about things like this because all my friends have moved away to college, so I don't really have anyone to hang out with and I am confused about my own career path, so I don't really love college at the moment. Anyways, I do think you are right. I will be more careful about how I talk to her. Love makes us do crazy things and forget what exactly it is that we want. Thank you again.

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      • #4
        I am looking for all the advice I can get. If anyone else has some more great advice, please feel free to reply. Thank you

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
          Mark, you're a bit overbearing there asking her all those questions. It sounds like you were reprimanding a 2 year old for eating off the ground. Even then I still wouldn't speak to a 2 year old like that. I understand you're pissed off and frustrated but that's no way to treat a lady. She's been very honest with you and you are running the risk of turning into a bully.

          I'm not saying that she's perfect or that her situation doesn't raise red flags. I'd caution you to exercise some control if you can help yourself. This is not how you treat a woman and the more you keep pushing her and demanding her "loyalty" the further you will push her away and the more you will lose yourself. By losing yourself, I mean you're going to look back one day and realize who the hell you turned into and why you are so miserable and why no one wants to be around you. Let things be and let it rest for a moment. Don't rush it and don't push her. You cannot control her. What you can do is control your own actions and how you live your life.
          Rose you are a bit too harsh to people and really harsh to mark. I for one think he didn't do anything wrong. He got the courage to end a complicated relationship then fell in love with a woman who wasn't being honest with him from the beginning. She still continues to string him along, running hot and cold which is extremely frustrating for him. He told her straight he didn't want to play games, he was completely honest with her and it sounded like she needed to hear it. Even after learning of something really bad about her, he's still attentive and stands by her. He hasn't treated her in any out of order way.
          ​​​​​​Mark - maybe give her a little space, keep a little distance for a bit. She clearly cares alot about you. She just needs some time for it to become clear in her head.

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          • #6
            markpetrone She's playing both sides of the fence. You need to cut her loose. Or, you can just remain friends and nothing more than that.
            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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            • #7
              I think you're right there chanelle. I first thought that maybe it was to do with what happened to her. But it makes sense that she's just playing both guys. She likes op better (as she says) but there is obviously some aspect of Josh that she can't let go.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Dazed & Confused View Post

                Rose you are a bit too harsh to people and really harsh to mark. I for one think he didn't do anything wrong. He got the courage to end a complicated relationship then fell in love with a woman who wasn't being honest with him from the beginning. She still continues to string him along, running hot and cold which is extremely frustrating for him. He told her straight he didn't want to play games, he was completely honest with her and it sounded like she needed to hear it. Even after learning of something really bad about her, he's still attentive and stands by her. He hasn't treated her in any out of order way.
                ​​​​​​Mark - maybe give her a little space, keep a little distance for a bit. She clearly cares alot about you. She just needs some time for it to become clear in her head.
                Honey, if you think I'm a bit too harsh why don't you go to your corner and suck your thumb. I'm not here to placate you or anyone else. I'm speaking to the OP. If you don't like so be it.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by markpetrone View Post

                  Rose, thank you very much for the advice. I can see where you're coming from about reprimanding a 2 year old. That more or less was just a summary of our conversation. When I tried to get her to talk, she would constantly reply "I dont know." She kept saying she was confused, so at the time I thought it would be best to break it down into simpler steps to see if I could help her see through it. Right now I am working on slowing down with the questions and replies to her. I am basically pretending that I have more important things to worry about to prevent myself from being too overbearing. Today I went for a ride to clear my head and set my phone down for a while. I felt more like myself. It is hard these days to forget about things like this because all my friends have moved away to college, so I don't really have anyone to hang out with and I am confused about my own career path, so I don't really love college at the moment. Anyways, I do think you are right. I will be more careful about how I talk to her. Love makes us do crazy things and forget what exactly it is that we want. Thank you again.
                  You deserve a lot better than this. I hope you can see that in time. You should have more important things to worry about. She's dealing with her situation so let her. I'd leave things open but not for too long where you're frustrating yourself.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
                    Mark, you're a bit overbearing there asking her all those questions. It sounds like you were reprimanding a 2 year old for eating off the ground. Even then I still wouldn't speak to a 2 year old like that. I understand you're pissed off and frustrated but that's no way to treat a lady. She's been very honest with you and you are running the risk of turning into a bully.

                    I'm not saying that she's perfect or that her situation doesn't raise red flags. I'd caution you to exercise some control if you can help yourself. This is not how you treat a woman and the more you keep pushing her and demanding her "loyalty" the further you will push her away and the more you will lose yourself. By losing yourself, I mean you're going to look back one day and realize who the hell you turned into and why you are so miserable and why no one wants to be around you. Let things be and let it rest for a moment. Don't rush it and don't push her. You cannot control her. What you can do is control your own actions and how you live your life.
                    I agree with Rose. You've only been talking to this girl for a month, and that's way too soon to be making demands on her. She told you up front that she wasn't ready for a relationship with you. She also freely told you about the guy she was talking too, so there's not much cause on your part to be telling her that you want her to be honest.

                    Also, I think it was a bit wrong of you to accuse her of playing games. She's not playing games. Just because she kisses you or holds your hand after class, that doesn't give you a reason to think she's anything but someone who kisses you after class.

                    My advice is that if you really want to make an impression on this girl, stop giving her the Spanish Inquisition and just enjoy her company. If she chooses Josh, then she'll tell you about it. She owes you zero loyalty (or explanations) at this point.
                    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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                    • #11
                      He didn't actually accuse of playing games. He said he didn't want to play games.

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Dazed & Confused View Post
                        He didn't actually accuse of playing games. He said he didn't want to play games.
                        Well, read between the lines. The suggestion was that she WAS playing games; otherwise, why would he say that?
                        "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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                        • #13
                          lol y'all are wild


                          thank you all for the advice. The only place I disagree is with SarahLancaster. I have to disagree with what you said that she is nothing more than someone who kisses me after class. In my opinion, if you kiss someone and treat them basically just like you're dating, then you probably shouldn't be doing that with anyone else out of respect for the person you like. That's what I call playing games, and that's not what I want. I can't think of anyone who wouldn't be hurt if they found out their crush was leading them on to believe they were really interested, only to find out they're just one of the people that person is toying with.
                          Last edited by markpetrone; November 5th, 2018, 07:50 PM.

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                          • #14
                            Sorry, but from what I've read, you had one lunch date and the rest of your time together was sitting in your car holding hands and kissing. That's not a relationship or even an indication that she wants a relationship. It's just sitting in the car and talking with a little kissing. I don't call that playing games on her part. Maybe she enjoyed having conversations with you but didn't really see you as a potential boyfriend.

                            She was clearly not wanting to commit to you because she also enjoyed being with Josh and having conversations with him. You were pushing her to make a decision. You BOTH made her happy.

                            In any case, I think you should just move on.
                            "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by markpetrone View Post
                              lol y'all are wild


                              thank you all for the advice. The only place I disagree is with SarahLancaster. I have to disagree with what you said that she is nothing more than someone who kisses me after class. In my opinion, if you kiss someone and treat them basically just like you're dating, then you probably shouldn't be doing that with anyone else out of respect for the person you like. That's what I call playing games, and that's not what I want. I can't think of anyone who wouldn't be hurt if they found out their crush was leading them on to believe they were really interested, only to find out they're just one of the people that person is toying with.
                              But you arenít dating? Just kissing and holding hands it seems?
                              She replied no to dating exclusively (relationship) and even though she WAS honest with you , you berate her for not being so?

                              If you donít want a casual kissing buddy then I suggest you stop doing that. She has not promised you anymore.
                              So, your choice, like it or lump it.

                              Btw the fact that she revealed something personal and traumatising to you is a red flag to me.
                              Most wouldnít do that to someone she really doesnít know that well on a personal basis or really can trust.
                              Its invoking sympathy only. Signs of a fragile person mentally.

                              I would suggest you not go there.
                              What are you going to do?

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