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So Lost and Confused

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  • So Lost and Confused

    So a little background. My boyfriend and I have been together almost 2 years, and we have a baby on the way. I have one child from a previous relationship and my current boyfriend has been involved in her life since she was 1. Her dad signed over his rights about a month after she turned two and she is now 3. Anyways my boyfriend quit drinking for a whole year and picked it back up again last December. It wasnít a problem until March when he got his OWI. I had picked him up from a strip club at 3am when I had to work the next morning at 7 because I wanted to make sure he got home safe. He then got into his car and drove to the gas station and was pulled over and arrested, ( I tried to stop him but there was no stopping him). So fast forward a few months and he goes out again and gets so trashed and when he gets like that he says hurtful and I mean very hurtful things. So I found out Iím pregnant and at first it was shock and then for the both of us we were happy and excited. We like to hang out with our friends and none of them have kids so of course all they want to do is drink and stay out till 2am. Being a mom that is the last thing I want to do. Iíd rather be at home with my daughter. Especially now that I am pregnant thatís the last place I want to be. So moving on to tonight. Itís his birthday and I decide to go with him and meet our friends for dinner and drinks for them. Our baby sitter had to leave at 10 which was no big deal. I told him he didnít need to come home with me but asked that he not stay out all night because I donít sleep until heís home. He said he wouldnít be much longer after me. I come home and 2:30 comes around and heís still not home. So I call and check in and make sure heís okay. No answer. 30 min later I call and he answers. He says heís still at the bar looking for a ride home. He gets home around 3:30. Heís obviously drunk. Looking for a pair of shorts. I get up to help him cause Iím getting annoyed and notice his shirt is on backwards. I start asking questions and heís denying anything. So I finally get out of him that he was at the strip club. Which I have asked him not to go to because I have a daughter and I donít feel that itís appropriate for him to be going to. (He has promised in the past he wouldnít go) so then he takes off his shirt and there is scratches on his stomach. Im sure smoke was coming out of my ears. Anyways he said all of his friends took him. I asked why he didnít just text me and tell me he was going and I couldnít get a straight answer. (He didnít have contact with me from 10-3am he then told me him and his friend researched how to get custody of my daughter and our son. Him even talking about taking my kids away breaks my heart. He says he did it because he thinks I donít care about him and he has ways to pay for the best lawyer in town . Part of me thinks I stay with him so I wonít have to not see my son. I do care about him. But the things he says and does when heís drunk truly brings me to tears and rips my heart out and the next morning he wonít even apologize and states I bring it on myself. I canít continue to put myself through this help

  • #2
    Listen. You need to start documenting everything he does from now on...the drinking, the strip clubs, the threats.

    Then you should have a 'coming to Jesus' session with him and tell him that if his behavior doesn't stop, you will take the children and leave.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


    • #3
      Hes a lying, manipulative drunk who wouldn't be able to get custody of your or your/his children. He's a typical alcoholic who lies and manipulates and can get away with it because more times then not, the person he's with is too codependent to just leave his sorry drunken ass.

      I have to ask you and I do so without malice: What in the world makes you so attracted to the likes of him? He's a drunken twit who you had the misfortune to meet and get into a mess with. Now you have a baby from two different fathers... one who doesn't give a crap and one who is too inept to take care of a child. Would you leave your newborn with a drunk that insists on driving even after hes gotten a ride home?

      Get yourself to a lawyer and find out your rights and what you can do to secure child support payments (garnishing his wages because he'll likely just goof off and get black out drunk rather then pay you support). Then get yourself to an alanon meeting near you and learn about codependency, enabling, passive agressive drunks and how they will always lie and manipulate you. Learn about boundaries and how they will keep you safe from picking another asshole to be in your life. Your kids depend on you being a confident, self loving mother so get working on you and learning how to get away from him.

      He needs to hit rock bottom before he'll ever change and you staying there and enabling him to do what he does is not giving him any motivation to change.

      Don't tell him he needs to change and stay. Leave and tell him if he changes, you'll consider a reconciliation but he needs to put himself in rehab so that he's showing you in tangible ways rather then just lip service that he means it.
      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!