Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Guy I'm dating asked for space due to his mum passing - unsure where I stand.

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Guy I'm dating asked for space due to his mum passing - unsure where I stand.

    Hi there, first post. This area sounded like the best place to put it, apologies if it isn't.

    So the guy I've been dating for the last 4 months has been pretty amazing. Lots in common and pretty happy, and perhaps 5-6 weeks ago his mum sadly passed away. Thankfully I got the chance to meet her before she did. There is distance between us, easily to travel to and I'm actually moving to his city in February/March next year due to my own circumstances.

    When she passed it was a very sad time, and perhaps a week or two later he asked for some space. I expected it, and I was more than ok with it. I understood completely. He asked for space perhaps a month ago, and during this time we have still remained in contact. Very brief contact most days, but it has still been relatively consistent and quite frequent which surprised me a bit.

    I have given him space. For the most part, he has messaged me first and I have politely responded, after a couple of days I occasionally check up on him and see how he is. He tried to explain himself again last Tuesday that he needs this moment to himself, as he's worn out and lost, but still thinks about me (turns out he was worried he was upsetting me, which he wasn't). Very grateful for how I responded etc.

    I'm seeing him next week for the first time in about 6-7 weeks, and honestly I haven't been so nervous in all my life. It has taken me a lot of strength to resist the temptation of asking the typical question of "so what are we?" for the last week or whatever. I have every right to know, yes, but I have resisted to say anything out of courtesy and respect, and to not come across as self-entered and selfish during this difficult time

    Honesty is always something he's pushed, and because he hasn't told me otherwise is it wrong for me to assume that, even though he is having time to grieve that things are still 'ok'? I would like to think that it doesn't take a month for someone to realise if someone is right for them or not, but I'm not demanding him to give me his undivided attention. I just want to know where I stand I suppose.

    Looking over everything that has been said, I think it puts me in a good light. I don't think there is anything else I could possibly do to give him more space, but at the same time I think I have every right to know what's going on. I just don't know how to say things without coming across as selfish. I know the topic of 'us' will come up in person when I see him next week, but maybe I need to start being realistic with myself and just get on with my life. Once I have an answer I'll be ok I think, I can get on with things then, but I'm not sure how to ask without coming across in a bad way.

    I will say however, I am more than happy to continue giving him space and I want to express that to him. If the idea of 'us' means taking a backseat until I'm more present then that's ok - but that's only going to be ok if HE wants to. I don't want to be putting my life on hold to be let down later on.

  • #2
    Before his mother died, had you established exactly what status you had?

    I don't think it's a good idea to hit him up with deep questions about your relationship while he is still grieving the loss of his mother. When you meet him next week, let him take the lead in conversation. You should be able to discern how things are.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
      Before his mother died, had you established exactly what status you had?

      I don't think it's a good idea to hit him up with deep questions about your relationship while he is still grieving the loss of his mother. When you meet him next week, let him take the lead in conversation. You should be able to discern how things are.
      Before she passed we had both expressed a want/need to be exclusive. We sort of had the 'serious' talk, but it was heading towards that direction all the same.

      I was going to let him direct how things go, yes. I'm happy to talk but that's only if he brings things up - that way he's deciding with himself that he wants to talk and what he wants to talk about. I'll just be happy to see him and gauge how he is with everything.

      Comment


      • #4
        Just see him next week and let us know how it goes. A lot can happen between two people in just one hour and a lot of questions can be clarified. You seem very respectful and considerate..continue on that way and see how next week unfolds. If he seems shaky and like he's not doing okay at all, this really isn't the time. He might need a friend more than anything right now and if you're not able to be that to him, carry on your merry way. Four months is solid enough for him to determine whether he wants to continue getting to know you or whether he wants to include you in his support system (if you are willing or able). Give him the benefit of the doubt and have a little faith for now. You may have to depend less on what he says and more on other cues in his grief, listen to how he's coping and what he's doing for himself and his family during this time (you decide for yourself whether he's in the right place and whether you're comfortable with this). Keep in mind just because he says he's ok dating might not mean that he's really ok. There's a fine line between being street smart and taking care of yourself and respecting whether what someone says is true.

        Comment


        • #5
          I have every right to know, yes, but I have resisted to say anything out of courtesy and respect, and to not come across as self-entered and selfish during this difficult time
          If I were you I'd consider this upcoming date as date No.1 and forget everything that transpired between the two of us before his mom passed away. He has had to adjust to a new normal and I'd be thinking that not only does he have to have an open heart, but I have to protect mine in case the new normal for him doesn't gel with "us."

          Good luck. I hope he can still show you that he cares and wants to have a relationship at this point.
          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

          Comment


          • #6
            More to the point is that NOTHING he says about "what are we" can be taken too seriously if he's really grieving his mother. His head and his heart are just not in that space right now.

            The questions I would think you should be asking is, based on what you are seeing in his feelings, respect, and response to his mother's passing is...."Is this the kind of man I want in my life? Does he have the emotional depth and maturity I want in a man? Does he respect his mother, women, and his elders? Is he handling what is potentially a difficult situation with is other family members well and with compassion? Etc. Etc...."

            Crises and stress are what can really reveal a person's true character. From what you're describing he is having a healthy emotional response to events. He recognizes his need for space to process, asked for it, and is focused on doing that rather than stressing out about what is, at this stage, a relatively unimportant relationship with you. Nonetheless, he is being respectful toward you and doing what he can to maintain the relationship. It seems he isn't collapsing and he isn't indifferent to the loss. It also seems he might have had a good and respectful connection with is mother--something that should translate to other women and his future wife.

            Anyway, you get the point. Rather than getting anxious about what is or isn't going to happen and whether you need to not be "putting my life on hold" take this as an opportunity to quickly learn a great deal about who this man really is and whether he's the kind of man you want to keep dating.

            Good luck

            Comment


            • #7
              Thank you all.

              I'm taking everything you've all said into consideration. All I've done in the last day or two is give him the dates that I have no plans and take it from there. I'm going to go in with an open mind and a neutral thought process to the situation and take things as it comes. An action speaks louder than words after all, and gauging what his response to me being present is critical.

              I have no doubt he will want to talk about things as he's always been that sort of person, and I think all I can do is just respond accordingly but truthfully. Asking him about 'us' at this point would be a bit selfish. Considering his honesty, if he really wasn't in a good way he would have said 'this isn't going to work right now' from the start. Not give it a month and see how it it. I'm going to try and go into this with an open yet neutral mind when I see him and hope that it goes in a relatively positive direction.

              Perhaps this visit will be testing the waters again, just to see how we are with one another. Then we can take it from there. Irregardless to what happens I do need to stop worrying (as difficult as it is), just be there for him in his time of need and crack on with my own life. Only time will tell.

              I'll let you all know when I know. Many thanks.

              Comment

              Working...
              X