Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Should I continue to fight?

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Should I continue to fight?

    Hello All,

    I am going to try my best to keep this short and simple.

    My girlfriend and I broke up about 4 months ago due to her moving away for grad school. We were together for a little over 2 years, and enjoyed a healthy and happy relationship together. Initially, I was the one not willing to try long distance because of my fear of commitment. and this is why we broke up/ About 1 month ago (3 months post break up), we talked and I explained to her that I had made a mistake when I told her I was not willing to try long distance. She told me she had moved on since and no longer felt those same feeling as i did, and she recommended i do the same. She went on to explain how she saw a guy for a month and really enjoyed their time together. I believe she feels this way because she's past the post breakup depression and finally happy again.
    .
    I recently sent her a text message essentially saying "Please don't respond to this, I just want to let you know i am sorry i only gave our relationship 70%. I know I really hurt you the past 6 months we were together and i wish i could go back and change that. I've since realized how you're a gem, and this is why i am still fighting for you and why I am putting myself in a vulnerable situation". About a week later, I sent her a text message saying "Hey what's up! How have you been?". We've been texting over the past several days and although her texts are very interactive (in the sense that she asks me questions and has long replies", she only replies twice a day, almost on a schedule.

    How should I interpret this? I would assume she would have initially replied with something along the lines of "I appreciate you texting me and asking how I am doing, but I don't believe this is healthy for you because you have not moved on" if there wasn't any sort of chance i could win her back. It seems like she's afraid to open up around me. This is something she struggled with during our time together.

    I really love the girl and I want to keep fighting for her, but i know at some point i need to throw in the towel and move on with my life, as i know it's not healthy. Does anyone have recommendations on my next play?

    I want to emphasize again, I know i should move on but at the same time my heart tells me to give it a little longer because I didn't give our relationship 100%.

    Please seem some additional notes below:
    - I believe she detached from our relationship our final months together.
    - She has messaged about once a month since our break up.
    - She's very very smart.
    - We live about 500 miles apart and share the same hometown.
    - She's 22, I'm 24

    Additional Questions:
    - Why is she hesitant to respond to my texts?
    - Did she really feel that strong of a connection with her rebound? or was he just that, a rebound?
    - Does she really think we're better off apart? or is this just something we convince ourselves?

    Thanks for the read and your thoughts!
    Last edited by kpv619; October 10th, 2018, 06:46 PM.

  • #2
    Why are you playing games with her?
    You sent her a text asking her not to respond but also within that message saying you are fighting for her??
    That makes no sense. She obliged your request and didnít respond. And then a week later send a ďhow have you been?Ē message !?!

    She said she has moved on. You need to take her word for that.

    She doesnít mind contact from you as long as itís occasional and not about the two of you.
    Thats probably because she no longer has romantic feelings towards you.

    She has moved away and thatís easier for her to process the grief more quickly than you who is left at home in the same surroundings before the split.

    Long distance rarely works out and itís in your best interest to start dealing with the fact that you are no longer with her.

    Even if her grad school was local , it could very well have caused a demise in the relationship anyway as itís a big change in her life.

    Comment


    • #3
      She's left her home, is advancing her education, and working toward her future. Unfortunately, for you, you represent the past to her. Your attempts to hang on, I suspect, feel like an anchor holding her back at this point. So unless you've got some plan to ACTUALLY fight for her, move to where she's going to school to carry on a real relationship, and have some vision for where this relationship might be headed, it's time to let her go.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Pollon View Post
        She's left her home, is advancing her education, and working toward her future. Unfortunately, for you, you represent the past to her. Your attempts to hang on, I suspect, feel like an anchor holding her back at this point. So unless you've got some plan to ACTUALLY fight for her, move to where she's going to school to carry on a real relationship, and have some vision for where this relationship might be headed, it's time to let her go.
        Thank you for the response!

        That's the thing, I do have a realistic plan i would like to share with her but I feel like it would sound desperate if I explained it now. Do you mind sharing your thoughts?

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by kpv619 View Post
          ....That's the thing, I do have a realistic plan i would like to share with her but I feel like it would sound desperate if I explained it now. .......
          I'm not sure what it matters how you sound. If you don't say anything, you lose her, right? So either call her or go visit her or write her and say....

          "....So I've had some time to think and this is what's on my mind. I know it might be too late but I'd like you to think about it. So here it is.........................."

          Comment


          • #6

            kpv619 If you don't want the recipient to respond to you, never fire off a text or more texts. I've since learned this lesson the hard way! She responded to you anyway and even though she replied several times, you grew to anticipate it and then you set yourself up for disappointment again. This is why once the relationship dissolves, you should leave it there and never revisit it again otherwise be prepared for pain at some point.

            How should you interpret this? Interpret this as her trying to move on without you and her lack of enthusiasm for you since she is now enjoying another guy now. She's happy and you're history.

            She is right, it's not healthy to continue texting and it's time to move on. You need to let go permanently. You are confusing her because you initially wrote that you didn't want her to respond yet the communication continued albeit awkwardly. It's not working.

            Your next play should be an intelligent play. Think long and hard. It's time to go your separate ways and cease all contact. Be wise. Back off for good.

            She's very smart so let her live her new life without you. And, 500 miles apart rarely works. Most LDR fail due to inconvenience and expense to travel back 'n forth not to mention impractical, time-consuming hassles to see one another. Absence does NOT make the heart grow fonder! On the contrary, absence causes distance more than miles.

            Yes, she really thinks you're both better off apart. Be sensible and realistic.
            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Pollon View Post

              I'm not sure what it matters how you sound. If you don't say anything, you lose her, right? So either call her or go visit her or write her and say....

              "....So I've had some time to think and this is what's on my mind. I know it might be too late but I'd like you to think about it. So here it is.........................."
              So I ended up talking to her on the phone and I asked her to confirm that there is no way she'd give LDR a chance. She explained that she needed to be single and focus on her career right now. I feel like she is going through a lot of emotional distress. I mentioned that I'll be moving in a year or two (I want to transfer to another office for a few years) and told her that her City was possibility. I asked her to promise she'd let me visit and take her on a date when the time comes. She agreed. She's bouncing back and forth between two Citites for the next year, so I am fairly confident she won't end up in a relationship. I also believe she'll realize that we had a special/healthy relationship.

              Obviously I plan on seeing other women and giving them a chance, but is it a bad idea to keep this idea of her and I possibility working out in the future?

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by kpv619 View Post
                .....So I ended up talking to her on the phone and I asked her to confirm that there is no way she'd give LDR a chance. She explained that she needed to be single and focus on her career right now. I feel like she is going through a lot of emotional distress. .....
                She may or may not be under emotional distress, but she's thinking clearly and pragmatically about what her priorities are and should be. Don't dismiss what she's telling you.


                Originally posted by kpv619 View Post
                .....I mentioned that I'll be moving in a year or two (I want to transfer to another office for a few years) and told her that her City was possibility. I asked her to promise she'd let me visit and take her on a date when the time comes. She agreed. .....
                There's nothing firm about your plan and don't even think about trying to hold her to that promise one or two years down the line. It may have been sincerely made, but circumstances will be very different then.


                Originally posted by kpv619 View Post
                .....She's bouncing back and forth between two Citites for the next year, so I am fairly confident she won't end up in a relationship. I also believe she'll realize that we had a special/healthy relationship......
                If this makes you feel better, that's great. However, special and healthy your relationship was, it's over for now. She WILL meet lots of other people and who she will be dating when you reappear is a complete unknown.


                Originally posted by kpv619 View Post
                .....Obviously I plan on seeing other women and giving them a chance, but is it a bad idea to keep this idea of her and I possibility working out in the future?.....
                Keeping the idea of a possibility in the BACK of your mind is fine. However, if it keeps you from making a good faith effort to connect with your future dates, then it likely won't turn out well for you. I suggest you consider the relationship OVER and DONE. Grieve the loss, heal, then move on as if it will never be revived. If and when you end up in the same city and you are still interested in looking her up, then check in on her.

                Good luck

                Comment

                Working...
                X