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What should I do

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  • What should I do

    Me and my boyfriend were together for 7 months and were planning on getting engaged at the end of the year. I had met his parents and he had met mine and used to come over once a week to spend time with my family. His family are quite traditional and wanted his wife to live with them after marriage in their house with his parents and his 2 siblings. However I am not as traditional as his family is so I discussed it with him and he agreed that he would either move into my house with my parents (they are more laid back and not as traditional) or we would get a place together after marriage. The first time his parents spoke with mine his dad agreed to the idea. After this our parents met again on 2 more occasions and discussed the idea of him moving in with me after marriage to which his parents agreed again.

    However after the final time of our parents meeting to discuss living arrangements and engagement plans he spoke with his dad again and his dad told him that he wasn't allowed to move in with me and that I would have to live at their house and that's that. This was after his dad agreeing to the whole idea for months up until this point and then he just changed his mind. He was only agreeing to keep his son happy as he controls him quite a bit. However qhen we first spoke about this and decided he would live with me or we would get our own place he told me that his parents would be fine with it and did not even mention to me that it might be a problem with his dad. He let me believe for all this time that his parents didn't have a problem with it only for me to find out that they did when his dad said no to the whole thing after agreeing to it for months.

    After this he told me that he loved me so much and wanted to be with me so he would get a place with me regardless of his dad saying no and move out. However as his family are so traditional this would mean that they would probably disown him for a long time because by moving in with me after they said no it would be disrespecting them.
    I was still not prepared to live with his family so I told him to make a choice either live with me or end it because I didn't want to agree to him moving out and having all the back lash from the family. So I asked him to have a think and decide what he wanted. He then told me that even though he loved me so much he wouldn't go against his families wishes so we were ending the relationship. Then he back tracked and told me he wanted to be with me and he didn't care what his family says.

    He lives with his brother and sister but they don't contribute to the bills at his house he is the only one who pays for all the bills as his dad takes all his money for bills. He is under the thumb of his dad as he never stands up to him and all the times he had chance to tell his dad this is what he wants with me he hasn't. He says if he does this his dad will throw him out but if he really loved me he wouldn't care and would do anything to make it work with Me? Especially as if his dad threw him out he could live with a cousin as he has a big family or i told him he's always welcome to stay with me if that happened. But still he won't stand up to his dad even after having so many opportunities to.

    As he had had plenty of opportunity to make it clear to his dad what he wanted and he didn't I told him that I didn't have any confidence or security in that he wouldn't move in with me then back track again and go back to his family. So I said I needed time to clear my head. As I will be in a full time job next year once I finish uni he said that he would wait a year until I'm in work and then we could get a mortgage together. However he has had so much opportunity to prove to me that he wants this so much and hasn't so I don't know if I can believe that he will follow through with living with me and facing years of back lash from his family and them disowning him. So at the moment we have agreed to stay in touch while we clear our heads with a time limit of a year by which point we can decide. His family want to send him back home to get married as he's not with me anymore but he said he won't go unless I tell him I don't want him anymore. I don't know if I can wait for him for a year only for him to change his mind again once we move in together as he says as long as he's with me he doesn't care if his family disown him. However he hasn't shown me any backbone or anything this whole time as he never stands up to his dad about the whole thing and he's had 4 chances to do this and he still hasn't.

    I don't know if I'm wasting my time waiting a year and giving him a chance as I do really love him and i cant see myself living without him or getting over this as it was all arranged and then his dad said no and now its all fallen apart. But i feel whatever his dad says he does even after still telling me now that he misses me and loves me even though we are friends and arent together anymore. I don't know what to do as he says that the reason why he hasn't stood up to his dad is because he will have no where to go if he gets thrown out (despite him having a large family and cousins and my house to stay at) and that if we got a mortgage and our own place then he would have somewhere to go if he did get thrown out. But surely if he loved me this much he wouldn't care and would want to be with me So much he would leave anyway? I dont know whether i can trust that he would move in with me next year and wouldnt change his mind years down the line when hes been with me a while and he misses his family. We have agreed to stay in touch as friends for now and not be romantically involved. I don't know if with time I will decide not to take the risk but I don't know whether to carry on as friends for now and see how things go or whether just to accept that this didn't work.

  • #2
    Clearly neither one of you is mature enough to get married if you have to immediately live with parents.

    Cool your heels and stay single until you are in a position to have your own space.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


    • #3
      There's cultural and economic context missing - belief in buying and not renting and housing market and lack of down payment or cash sale for a home. I get where the OP's coming from but I do agree with Sarah that it might be better to lie low. I'm curious why you're so opposed to living with your in-laws? Is this a lot of anxiety on your part or have they wronged you in any way in the past or humiliated you? This is not exactly the gracious beginning of two combined families or your lives together. Your fiance/boyfriend may be wondering if you are wife material also if you unable to bend or are not flexible (or at least not willing to be flexible for a temporary period of time).

      Be realistic about this next phase of your life. Maybe you haven't had a chance to truly envision a life without your parents with you and you've never lived apart from them. As a woman and a wife you're going to have to be more resilient than this and smarter. Start navigating your relationships with your in-laws and negotiating (in time) about the cash sale of a home and terms for living arrangements when you're ready with the help of both your parents. They will age. Build those relationships first. When you own your own home you will want family with you. Don't burn those relationships too early. Family is everything and it gives meaning to life. Finish your uni and continue to strengthen your relationship with your boyfriend. Think very long term and allow others to trust you. You'll have to earn that trust. Right now you're just a girl. Grow forward and become your own matriarch and build on what you already have.


      • #4
        Are you guys Indian?
        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!


        • #5
          Yes we are


          • #6
            Originally posted by Cora_01 View Post
            Yes we are
            Then you know that he's not ever going to go against his parents wishes because he's not going to handle getting disowned. He's shown you that much.

            Did you actually hear his father say it would be alright for you two to live at your parents home or did he just tell you he said it would be alright to do that? If you didn't directly hear his father give his blessing then I'll go as far as to assume that your bf was just telling you that he gave his blessing to keep you happy. Speculation of course, but not unheard of in situations like yours.

            If his parents want him to go back to India, I certainly wouldn't be waiting around for him. Up to you of course but he sounds like he's going to go along with everything his parents direct him to do as is what is typical in Indian Culture.

            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!


            • #7
              If you want a man who is independent and able to set boundaries with his family then dating men who live with their families and whose families encourage them to stay in the home and attempt to control their lives is NEVER going to work out well for you. Even IF he were to pull away from his family, you want him to do it for his own sake BEFORE you even start dating again. Otherwise, he and/or his family is going to resent you for a long time.

              So I would say something like this to him,

              "...I have enjoyed dating you for the past seven months. However, I've learned that I need a man who is independent and able to set boundaries with (stand up to) his family. I haven't seen that in you. If you decide to demonstrate that by moving out of your family's home call me and, if I'm not dating anyone else at the time, we'll have a date. Until that time we should end our relationship and stop talking to each other so we can be free to find the right match....."


              • #8
                Do you share the same cultural background as your boyfriend? This is important in understanding how his family relationship is now and what expectations you will have being his wife in the future. I would suggest if you are not from the same background, that you try to understand his culture better by getting to know his parents and by even getting to know him better. You may find that these cultural differences may not only make the decision of where to live after marriage but many other decisions in your marriage later. For example, what will your children's belief system be? Take time to nurture the relationships with him and his family as a friend and decide if you feel this relationship could develop into a marriage.