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  • At a loss

    On Friday he loved me more, he wanted to book a romantic weekend away for next month.
    On Saturday he didnít really want to go the pub with friends as planned but came and sat there with a face like thunder the whole night. When we left he accuses me of eyeing up other men in the pub. I didnít- I love my partner and have no desire to look at other men.
    On Sunday I had to go to a female friendís house to borrow something. I happened to spray a small squirt of perfume on myself as I walked out the door which enraged him. I showed him the texts proving where I was going but he refuses to talk to me since.
    Yesterday I changed my Facebook profile picture, as I do every week, and unbeknown to me (we are not Facebook friends) he was snooping on my profile at that same moment so flipped his lid because 1) I had a picture of myself on my profile and 2) I took it off at the moment he was online looking at it and checking the comments.
    Last night he told me heís leaving me because of the above. I have Ďfallen on my own swordí apparently.

    I have never loved anyone as much as I love him and I have done everything heís ever asked. I wouldnít cheat on him - itís not in my nature. I am at a loss. Heís in his 50ís (12 yrs older than me) but this feels like Iím dating a teenager! What on earth. Do I do when he suddenly doesnít believe me, wonít let me explain and treats me like Iím guilty of something I donít understand!

  • #2
    Instead of wondering about him, it's time to start asking yourself why you would possibly tolerate such controling, jealous, toxic behavior from someone who's supposed to love you.
    The first time he displayed such behavior, you should have run for the hills. Instead, you are accomodating him and going along with his insane jealousy.
    He's not supposed to be comforted and reassured when he acts this way. He's not supposed to see proof when he doesn't believe you. He's not supposed to get attention when he gets angry for no real reason.
    Stop approving of his behavior. Stop believing that this will stop after you've 'proved yourself'. It won't. It will only get worse.

    The ONLY way to handle this is to stand your ground. You demand to be trusted and you don't tolerate behavior like this. If he gets angry, you kick him out of your house or leave him behind wherever he is, saying he can get back in touch when he's ready to be calm and apologise.
    And if he doesn't budge, be glad when he leaves you, or maybe even beat him to it and dump him yourself. You deserve better, but you have to believe that yourself before he will treat you better.
    You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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    • #3
      Maybe your behaviour is not becoming for someone in her 40s. You're behaving a bit off and airheaded yourself for someone your age. He doesn't respect you and there's a high likelihood he's abusive and controlling, period. I'd say pay more attention to your relationship and less attention to your facebook profile and whatever you think you "need" to borrow from your female friend. You're operating with a lot of distractions in your home and social life and you're not able to see things clearly. Be serious with yourself and stop with the distractions. Address what's going on in your relationship and if you need to spend time and effort extracting yourself from this situation, do it.

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      • #4
        Aquarian, listen to what Ayla said and completely ignore the incoherent nonsense that Rose said.

        Your boyfriend is an insecure controlling jealous man-boy. Why you tolerate his nonsense is incomprehensible. As Ayla said, all your efforts to "prove" your loyalty will amount to nothing because the problem isn't with your behavior but with his anxiety and insecurity. You can't fix that, only he can.

        If he's fairly typical, he'll come back to you shortly and claim he's "forgiven" you and will take you back. And if you're fairly typical of the kind of woman who dates this kind of guy, you'll go back to him. And the cycle will repeat.

        Don't do it. End the relationship and fet the help you need to avoid guys like this in the future.

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        • #5
          I think it takes two to tango. It's easy to jump the gun and assume things about the boyfriend especially when someone cries abuse. This seems to be a very heated area where some of you can't keep your cool. It just reflects on you. I still think she ought to focus on herself and if it's not in her best interests to be with him, end the relationship for her sake.

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          • #6
            Yes, please don't listen to any of that ^^^ Rose hasn't grasped the fact that your b/f is an abusive ass which we have discovered by the very symptoms you mention in your post... not anything we have assumed...

            Know and believe that it doesn't matter what you do to change and improve yourself, it still won't be enough for the douche bag you've had the misfortune to trust your heart to.

            I showed him the texts proving where I was going but he refuses to talk to me since.
            Good. Listen up now and don't waste this incredible opportunity he has bestowed upon you: Now is your chance to block him so he can't creep your social media and to delete him from your phone and block his number so that he can't hoover you back for more of his particular type of crazy.

            Do not let your pain from the cold turkey withdrawl of him make you fantasize and think that allowing him back into your life will make the pain go away. If you let him back, he will just make you ache like you are now only 10 fold. Your self-worth is at an all time low due to trying to jump through his mentally induced hoops.

            You're out... keep yourself, your heart, your emotional well being safe from the likes of him.

            Please consider getting personal therapy to help you rehab from him and figure out why you wouldn't be the one to leave him and his abuse of you.

            Be strong, stay gone! Love yourself enough to keep yourself away and safe from him.
            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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            • #7
              Repeating: Do not let him back into your life.
              "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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              • #8
                I specifically said there's a high likelihood that he is abusive and controlling, period.

                Because I know some of you have a lot of difficulty understanding and a penchant for being bitchy, I'll help you out: My first post was post #4.

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                • #9
                  #3 rather. I'd hate to confuse you by accident.

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                  • #10
                    It's not about us being bitchy, Rose.
                    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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                    • #11
                      I think you and Pollen are taking things far too personally at the expense of other members. We are all here to share our opinions on the matter. At least read what someone has to say more carefully before accusing someone of something they are not guilty of. Like I said, I specifically said there's a high likelihood of him being abusive and controlling. If you have a problem with what I've written pick some other aspect of it where we differ so we actually have something to discuss.

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
                        I think you and Pollen are taking things far too personally at the expense of other members.
                        and I think that when someone is so far off in their "opinion" when comparing it to the facts given in the opening post, that we would be remiss not to refute your take on the matter.

                        We are all here to share our opinions on the matter.
                        we are also here to debate ideas.
                        At least read what someone has to say more carefully before accusing someone of something they are not guilty of.
                        Example in this particular post where we didn't read what you were selling?

                        Like I said, I specifically said there's a high likelihood of him being abusive and controlling.
                        you also blamed the Op for that abuse and control. Something she has no control over other then getting herself away from him, perhaps counseling to help with her low self worth for not thinking she deserves better then what he's offering.

                        If you have a problem with what I've written pick some other aspect of it where we differ so we actually have something to discuss.
                        ^^^ look above.

                        It's okay, you are entitled to your opinion but we are all subject to being disagreed on that which we are entitled to.

                        Least we didn't call you a "cunt" lmao.
                        Last edited by phasesofthemoon; October 10th, 2018, 05:01 PM.
                        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          I didn't blame the OP for the abuse and controlling behaviour of her boyfriend. I said that her behaviour is off for someone in her 40s. Why would someone care to change their facebook profile photo every week? This doesn't make sense to me. She should be spending more time on trying to evaluate whether this relationship is good for her. She's re-evaluating it now either way but seems to be highly confused. I'm indicating why she's confused in the first place. No woman in their right mind would stand up to such treatment from their partner and she shouldn't either.

                          What is the matter with you, Phases? Cunt? Surely you have more wit than that. I would have expected more from you but I'm beginning to think you're actually a lot slower than I imagined. The only thing I can chalk up your temper tantrum to is that this hits home for you in some way. Deal with your issues, will you.

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                          • #14
                            Rose Mosse Not going to listen to you gaslight, Rose. It's okay... its just an opinion that we disagree with. It's not anything to do with you personally so don't take it so personally.

                            As for "cunt" someone on another thread called me one recently because they didn't agree with my "opinion" I assumed you had read it.
                            Last edited by phasesofthemoon; October 10th, 2018, 05:26 PM.
                            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Pollon View Post
                              Aquarian, listen to what Ayla said and completely ignore the incoherent nonsense that Rose said.
                              Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
                              Yes, please don't listen to any of that ^^^ Rose hasn't grasped the fact that your b/f is an abusive ass which we have discovered by the very symptoms you mention in your post...
                              When you decide to run other members down in order to prove your point it becomes personal. You're no longer discussing what the OP has to say. You're proving your point at the expense of discrediting someone else's opinions. This is what I have an issue with and it's not just when it happens with me - I've seen you do it with other members and I've seen newer members adopt that behaviour. It's disrespectful others who've been here for awhile and unnecessary to any point you have to make. I can accept a difference in opinions but not discrediting other members.

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