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Struggling with break-up

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  • Struggling with break-up

    If you would like some background info, then here's the link to my first post:

    https://www.relationship-forums.com/...inful-decision

    So, I decided to end the relationship about 3 days ago....and even though I am the one who ended it, I am having trouble dealing with it. My ex is understandably upset and is often angry, playing the blame game and being irrational at times; contradicting herself. It makes the situation more difficult. There have been several arguments.

    Yesterday, I looked at a place to rent and took it, as it was perfect for me, although I would've been happy with anything as a temporary solution until I found somewhere more suitable. Stuff like that really pushes home how final everything is - I keep thinking about all the things we did together...holidays, weekends away, sightseeing, concerts, etc....all good times. It's a real shame.

    When I told her that I had found somewhere to move, she said, "Well, you got what you wanted then."

    Not really. I got a failed relationship and I've broken someone's heart; definitely not how I saw things panning out and certainly not what I wanted.

    The truth is that I am hurting a lot over this - she's not a bad person and I don't resent her in any way...I simply wasn't happy anymore and I don't feel that we were compatible. And that's how it goes sometimes. My time is important and so is hers - I didn't want her wasting it on a relationship that would have ground itself into the dirt eventually; we both deserve more than that.

    One blessing is that she is going to be away for a whole month working, which gives me space to pack and organise stuff and in some way I think it would make things a little easier for her as well, not seeing me box up a load of stuff.

    I am considering once I've moved my stuff out to bring in a few items of furniture in the outside storage to plug the gaps where my stuff was, so she doesn't come home to a half-empty house. A final goodwill gesture.

    I'm having the usual conflicting emotions - feeling that I'm doing the right thing, then severely doubting it, rinse and repeat, plus throwing in some general panic and anxiety for good measure. I keep getting emotional out of the blue - nothing seems to be prompting it - it just happens. The thing I keep in mind is that in about 4 weeks all this will be over, but that doesn't stop me from feeling guilty for pulling the rug out from under someone's life.
    Last edited by gravitywave; October 9th, 2018, 06:51 AM.

  • #2
    I remember your original post. You did the right thing by ending it.
    You ended it for all the right reasons and you thought it over long and hard.

    This is day 3. Of course you're having trouble with it. You wouldn't be human if you didn't.
    THat doesn't mean you made the wrong decision or that you have anything to feel guilty about. It just means you're human and have a heart.

    Give yourself some credit, and a lot of time. Don't set the bar too high and expect to move on with your life by next week. Of course that won't happen. She meant (means) something to you and you meant (mean) something to her. Cutting those ties is hard, and it takes time for those wounds to heal. Don't put pressure on yourself.

    Just do yourself a favor and wrap up the actual break up process as soon as possible. A few pieces of furniture aren't going to make her feel better. They won't make her heart un-break. It is what it is and she'll have to embark on her own healing process. You can't soften it for her, even if you leave all the furniture. So don't bother with things that force you to keep thinking about her. Move out your things asap and then start over without her. Her healing process is hers, and you may not realise it but whatever you do 'for her' right now will only prolong her suffering. Because whatever furniture you leave behind will be a constant reminder of who you were and what she lost. You'd do more harm than good.
    You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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    • #3
      I'm sorry for the break up happening but you're wasting your time... You said you were going to get a place. You got a place. You told her you got a place. You've done enough talking and you've done your job as responsible ex-man. Now move. Get your things and leave. Don't pussyfoot and waffle, don't leave a mess. Wipe the drawers after you've emptied them, clean out the fridge properly of your food and take the trash out before you go. You're wasting your breath and your time feeling sorry for someone who deserves better than you can ever give her. Block her number, don't give her your new address and move forward.
      Last edited by Rose Mosse; October 10th, 2018, 03:03 AM.

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      • #4
        Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
        I'm sorry for the break up happening but you're wasting your time... You said you were going to get a place. You got a place. You told her you got a place. You've done enough talking and you've done your job as responsible ex-man. Now move. Get your things and leave. Don't pussyfoot and waffle, don't leave a mess. Wipe the drawers after you've emptied them, clean out the fridge properly of your food and take the trash out before you go. You're wasting your breath and your time feeling sorry for someone who deserves better than you can ever give her. Block her number, don't give her your new address and move forward.
        Lovely.

        Thanks for thinking that I don't already know what I need to do. I was having a difficult time emotionally yesterday and needed to vent/share. I certainly can do without condescension and patronizing syntax. I'm all for constructive criticism and practical advice - I don't need "there, there, it'll be alright" - but this is probably one of the most saltiest posts I've read on here. Are you like this on here all the time? (No need to answer that).

        And "wasting my time"? With what? Packing and moving? Yes, that's the behaviour of someone dragging their heels for sure. I can only pack so fast!

        For the record, no, I don't want to get into some online slinging match over what you've said - you had your say; I've responded. We think differently over this clearly, so no amount of back and forth is going to change our minds and I accept that.

        Thanks for taking the time to respond to my original post. All the best.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Ayla View Post
          I remember your original post. You did the right thing by ending it.
          You ended it for all the right reasons and you thought it over long and hard.

          This is day 3. Of course you're having trouble with it. You wouldn't be human if you didn't.
          THat doesn't mean you made the wrong decision or that you have anything to feel guilty about. It just means you're human and have a heart.

          Give yourself some credit, and a lot of time. Don't set the bar too high and expect to move on with your life by next week. Of course that won't happen. She meant (means) something to you and you meant (mean) something to her. Cutting those ties is hard, and it takes time for those wounds to heal. Don't put pressure on yourself.

          Just do yourself a favor and wrap up the actual break up process as soon as possible. A few pieces of furniture aren't going to make her feel better. They won't make her heart un-break. It is what it is and she'll have to embark on her own healing process. You can't soften it for her, even if you leave all the furniture. So don't bother with things that force you to keep thinking about her. Move out your things asap and then start over without her. Her healing process is hers, and you may not realise it but whatever you do 'for her' right now will only prolong her suffering. Because whatever furniture you leave behind will be a constant reminder of who you were and what she lost. You'd do more harm than good.
          Thanks for your reply, Ayla - I appreciate it.

          I agree with what you've said. I feel that I need to cut out the sentimentality and just get on with what I need to do. As I said before, she has a large, strong, support system and she'll be okay.

          Although saying that, she stormed out of the house last night, when she couldn't convince me to re-consider and I haven't heard from here for almost 15 hours, so I've no idea where she is. Ah well. Nothing I can do about it, I guess.

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