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Nothing Else: She Simply Stopped Loving Me

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  • Nothing Else: She Simply Stopped Loving Me

    I'm new here. I have few friends; my partner is, or was, my best friend and I've always had trouble making and keeping friends. I'm devastated and need to talk. I've written too too much; if anyone reads, skip as much as you like. I just need to say how I hurt.

    I'll call her Mylove. We've been together 12 years. Our anniversary was not quite a week ago. Over years she cooled. For a long time I was angry that sex had left our relationship. Over the last year I realized that more important than sex I simply need to feel loved.

    We started out mad love. Her second try at a long-term relationship, my third. We agreed easily that we didn't want to marry, that marriage was a crutch for too many and had been for each of us before. People around us adapted. We bought a house, a log house on an acre on a secluded, kind of frowzy dead end street right next to our town's center. We built a quirky life here we loved together.

    I'm manic depressive and fell into depression soon after we bought the house. Bad things happened to me and I sank. It took years to pull together. We married secretly to put me on her insurance. I'm now medicated and stable, though I'm excitable and have a wide range of sometimes intense feelings. This in particular she does not like.

    I'm all feelings and imagination; she's all reason and facts. In the first years we discovered in each other endlessly. During my depression and continuing after, her affection faded. Now I'm living with, as it were, my sister. We've had sex maybe five or six times in the last couple years. Nothing for more than a year, A few desultory times earlier this year. Now nothing and no visible prospect of ever having sex again.

    Her children grew up with me. Her son was a severe challenge. I fought with him; it was a problem. He got past it, I let it go, and we're building a good relationship. I'll call him Goodguy. He left for college this fall but is only an hour and a half away. Her daughter and I had a great relationship. Then she hit puberty and decided she hates me. I'll call her Hardgirl. For a few years I engaged with her and she was nasty and mean. We fought. Now I talk hardly ever to her. We don't usually greet each other and ignore each other even a few feet apart. She's disrespectful to the point of abuse toward her mother and has screaming fights with her father. She'll be all lovey toward Mylove but will turn on her in a second if Mylove crosses her. She's mean and even cruel at times. She lies and sneaks. Could be just teen girl, but she has a lot of delusions about how wonderful she is: kind, loving, brilliant, everyone's favorite. It's more than hormones: she's got problems. A few days ago, she said in my hearing she hates men. She has a quiet boyfriend she pushes around and infantalizes. They've been together a month. It's hard to watch. All that to say that Mylove is exhausted because Hardgirl takes all her energy, as Goodguy did before.

    I got her to go to counseling. We went through two in quick succession. She won't try another. It's inconvenient for her. She revealed that her feelings toward me changed in the years I was depressed. She can't go back, she says. She won't tell me what she wants because she seems to have no access to her feelings or wishes other than what she feels in the moment. She thinks when Hardgirl leaves for college she'll recover enough to rebuild something. Maybe. No promises. That's a year away.

    I'm 58 and look and act 10-15 years younger. No exaggeration. Revealing my age to someone startles them. Not enough years remain though. She is 46. She's right here, living in our house with me, but she's gone. She's more or less fine with this ghost of a relationship. This is what mature love looks like, she says.

    I'm so crushed. I'm a bag of emotions.

    She talks nonstop. She's bossy and always right. She gained 50 pounds and at home dresses sloppy and ugly. Never mind that. She cares deeply for those who matter to her. She moves mountains to give them what they need. She's smart and interesting. On balance she is good woman with heart and depth and I yearn for her. Where did she go?

    I don't need advice. I know what I need to do. I just can't bear to do it.

  • #2
    Originally posted by Stunned View Post
    .....For a long time I was angry that sex had left our relationship.

    ....I'm manic depressive and fell into depression soon after we bought the house. Bad things happened to me and I sank. It took years to pull together. ....

    .... I'm now medicated and stable, though I'm excitable and have a wide range of sometimes intense feelings. This in particular she does not like.....

    .....I'm all feelings and imagination; she's all reason and facts. ....

    .....During my depression and continuing after, her affection faded. .....

    .....Her son was a severe challenge. I fought with him; it was a problem. ....

    ..... Her daughter and I had a great relationship. Then she hit puberty and decided she hates me. I'll call her Hardgirl. For a few years I engaged with her and she was nasty and mean. We fought. Now I talk hardly ever to her. .....

    ....I'm so crushed. I'm a bag of emotions.

    ....I don't need advice. I know what I need to do. I just can't bear to do it.....

    Nothing else? That's a lot of stuff that would kill most people's affection.

    So what are you looking for here?

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    • #3
      Thanks Pollon. Not sure what you mean by kill affection: hers? mine? I wrote because I hurt and have no one to talk to about it, my partner having been the person I talked to. I'm not an easy person, this I know, though I am an interesting and loving one. But when she chose me, I lived in a warehouse studio in the ghetto. I had friends then; they were all artists. I moved to the suburbs to be with her. I loved her children as much as anyone could, more than she would have were things reversed. If she liked who I was then, seems like she would like that now. But she doesn't. I think what it comes down to is that people like me are attractive and interesting, but ultimately more work than most people want. I wish she had recognized that earlier.

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