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  • The woman I love.


    First off I should say this is going to be a personal story that will make me look like a douchebag. And I should get nothing out of it. I'm writing for the sole purpose of getting some kind of advice or maybe someone who is in the same kind of situation.


    I was married for 10 years starting back in '98. Had a good wife good job two young kids. For reason that I will never understand. I started an affair with a woman from work that lasted 6 months and subsequently left everything behind to live with her. Now, I've been with her for almost 11 years. Its been filled with good and bad times. I've actually left her about 6 times in that span. Each time she took me back. I started understanding that the reasons I left stemmed from being guilty of leaving my family behind. Eventually I had a renewed grasp on my life after talking to my ex wife about things. Being forgiven can go a long way for a person's psyche. So everything is all good right? Not really. Fast forward a couple years and my current wife and I started having problems. We moved to a place where she didn't know anyone and family was an hour away. I got caught up in my new job and friends which made her feel alone. So she started chatting it up with other guys and met a couple of them. She was on the verge of leaving. We had fights and tears and eventually talked it out. A few years have gone by. She still kept tabs on the guys. Flirting and probably still "running" into them. I was irritated and hurt so I thought it would be a good idea to post an ad on Craigslist looking for a woman to talk to. I told myself it was not out of revenge but truthfully it comes down to if she could do it so can I. I had a few replies but nothing serious happened. I renewed my post a couple of times, but kind of lost track of it. Then last year a woman replied. we started talking. She was already trying to decide on getting a divorce from her husband. She had given him 2 years of chances and she was at the end of her rope. we talked about our lives and relationships. Our work and daily life. We Started flirting. After about a month of emailing we met for one time. This turned into a second time and a third. Started meeting each other when time allowed. Things didn't get physical until about the third meeting. Just Making out. It went on for a couple months. Just talking and hanging out. Then it got even more physical. We started having sex anywhere and anytime we could. At this point I am still married, and could not get away very often. She was basically done and hubby didn't pay attention and didn't really care where she went all the time. So we worked out for awhile. It started getting more serious when she told me she loved me. It happened so fast but she is in love with me... Like I'm the last guy she wants to be with kind of love.... She wears her heart on her sleeve with me and holds nothing back. We went for about 8 months continuing the affair. Then it started getting really real for me. I was getting overwhelmed juggling two women, family and work. I struggled through for about a month but I eventually dumped the affair thinking everything would get back to normal. I went through the summer months focusing on my job and family life. All the while thinking about this woman. About a week ago I reached out to her to see how she was doing. We have since been emailing back and forth. Catching up. To be honest, she was very heartbroken that I ended things. She started dating again in order to not be alone. BUT, she is still in love with me and misses me more than ever, even after I dumped her. So we are just talking again for now. We both miss each other terribly, but do not want the same things to happen again. She does not want to get hurt and I don't want to hurt her again. So we have not met yet.

    I haven't said anything about my feelings with this other woman. To be honest, I'm in love with her to. Her and I talked once and we or she decided that I am in love with the IDEA of her and not IN LOVE with her. I don't think that's entirely true. I feel like I'm very in love with her. We are perfect for each other. We have so much in common. I can see myself with her and she sees herself with me. The only reason I haven't said I loved her is due to the fact that I am still married. It is Not very believable or understandable given that fact.
    So what's my reason for writing this long, drawn out post?
    Through it all, the affair was willing to wait for me. And still is. She has friends, yes, but has no intentions of getting serious with them. She still wants me. And I her. So the point? Should be easy right? Tell my wife its not working out. Confess the affair. Anything to get free and be single right? The issue is that I care... I can't bring myself to break things off again. After all the loving and leaving and I did on my wife, I just can't do it again. So in order for the affair and myself to be together I/we are just waiting... Hoping... For the ideal situation where the wife will do something or wants to leave. I know I have a pattern of loving and leaving and treating women very poorly. So what would be different this time? The affair woman is kind, considerate, loving,attentive. Qualities in a woman I have not seen in a long time. I can't say why it would be different this time but I know her and I can stand the test of time, where all other failed. I just know we can be a loving married couple for life.
    So at the end of day, the affair woman and I are emailing and texting. Just re kindling the connection.
    I can't explain it very clearly, but I want to be with this woman. I love her but can't tell her because there's nothing i can do about it. Obviously anyone reading this will be skeptical. But if you were a fly on the wall watching us you would understand just how loving, romantic, and passionate we are and its genuine.

    Thank you for listening and i hope there is so one healthy advice or there or someone who is or Has been in a similar situation.

  • #2
    Originally posted by Lewot View Post
    First off I should say this is going to be a personal story that will make me look like a douchebag. And I should get nothing out of it. I'm writing for the sole purpose of getting some kind of advice or maybe someone who is in the same kind of situation.


    I was married for 10 years starting back in '98. Had a good wife good job two young kids. For reason that I will never understand. I started an affair with a woman from work that lasted 6 months and subsequently left everything behind to live with her. Now, I've been with her for almost 11 years. Its been filled with good and bad times. I've actually left her about 6 times in that span. Each time she took me back. I started understanding that the reasons I left stemmed from being guilty of leaving my family behind. Eventually I had a renewed grasp on my life after talking to my ex wife about things. Being forgiven can go a long way for a person's psyche. So everything is all good right? Not really. Fast forward a couple years and my current wife and I started having problems. We moved to a place where she didn't know anyone and family was an hour away. I got caught up in my new job and friends which made her feel alone. So she started chatting it up with other guys and met a couple of them. She was on the verge of leaving. We had fights and tears and eventually talked it out. A few years have gone by. She still kept tabs on the guys. Flirting and probably still "running" into them. I was irritated and hurt so I thought it would be a good idea to post an ad on Craigslist looking for a woman to talk to. I told myself it was not out of revenge but truthfully it comes down to if she could do it so can I. I had a few replies but nothing serious happened. I renewed my post a couple of times, but kind of lost track of it. Then last year a woman replied. we started talking. She was already trying to decide on getting a divorce from her husband. She had given him 2 years of chances and she was at the end of her rope. we talked about our lives and relationships. Our work and daily life. We Started flirting. After about a month of emailing we met for one time. This turned into a second time and a third. Started meeting each other when time allowed. Things didn't get physical until about the third meeting. Just Making out. It went on for a couple months. Just talking and hanging out. Then it got even more physical. We started having sex anywhere and anytime we could. At this point I am still married, and could not get away very often. She was basically done and hubby didn't pay attention and didn't really care where she went all the time. So we worked out for awhile. It started getting more serious when she told me she loved me. It happened so fast but she is in love with me... Like I'm the last guy she wants to be with kind of love.... She wears her heart on her sleeve with me and holds nothing back. We went for about 8 months continuing the affair. Then it started getting really real for me. I was getting overwhelmed juggling two women, family and work. I struggled through for about a month but I eventually dumped the affair thinking everything would get back to normal. I went through the summer months focusing on my job and family life. All the while thinking about this woman. About a week ago I reached out to her to see how she was doing. We have since been emailing back and forth. Catching up. To be honest, she was very heartbroken that I ended things. She started dating again in order to not be alone. BUT, she is still in love with me and misses me more than ever, even after I dumped her. So we are just talking again for now. We both miss each other terribly, but do not want the same things to happen again. She does not want to get hurt and I don't want to hurt her again. So we have not met yet.

    I haven't said anything about my feelings with this other woman. To be honest, I'm in love with her to. Her and I talked once and we or she decided that I am in love with the IDEA of her and not IN LOVE with her. I don't think that's entirely true. I feel like I'm very in love with her. We are perfect for each other. We have so much in common. I can see myself with her and she sees herself with me. The only reason I haven't said I loved her is due to the fact that I am still married. It is Not very believable or understandable given that fact.
    So what's my reason for writing this long, drawn out post?
    Through it all, the affair was willing to wait for me. And still is. She has friends, yes, but has no intentions of getting serious with them. She still wants me. And I her. So the point? Should be easy right? Tell my wife its not working out. Confess the affair. Anything to get free and be single right? The issue is that I care... I can't bring myself to break things off again. After all the loving and leaving and I did on my wife, I just can't do it again. So in order for the affair and myself to be together I/we are just waiting... Hoping... For the ideal situation where the wife will do something or wants to leave. I know I have a pattern of loving and leaving and treating women very poorly. So what would be different this time? The affair woman is kind, considerate, loving,attentive. Qualities in a woman I have not seen in a long time. I can't say why it would be different this time but I know her and I can stand the test of time, where all other failed. I just know we can be a loving married couple for life.
    So at the end of day, the affair woman and I are emailing and texting. Just re kindling the connection.
    I can't explain it very clearly, but I want to be with this woman. I love her but can't tell her because there's nothing i can do about it. Obviously anyone reading this will be skeptical. But if you were a fly on the wall watching us you would understand just how loving, romantic, and passionate we are and its genuine.

    Thank you for listening and i hope there is so one healthy advice or there or someone who is or Has been in a similar situation.
    Kind, considerate, loving and attentive. Honestly, was your first wife never like this with you? Honestly, was your current wife never like this with you? I believe you're playing with fire and you're going to be burnt. Love is not a fuzzy feeling. I can »love« one woman a day, for the rest of my life. What is Love? Love says I will stay with you, vow to you when you are kind and when you are hard to get along with, when you are healthy and when you are sick, when you are loving and when you are not.

    Vow to 1 girl, for the rest of your life. Don't seek novelty! You have two young children, be a part of their life, for the rest of your life, here on Earth.

    Faithfulness versus infidelity. Be faithful to 1. Now. Today. To your current wife. And don't forget you have two beautiful children that need a dad in their life!

    Comment


    • #3
      Why don't you do everyone a favour and not be "faithful" to anyone. Seriously. You are clearly not capable of it so stop the farce. You have a dwindling self-worth and you're looking to external means to regain your self-confidence because you know you are not an honest or faithful person. I'd advise you to check into counselling or therapy and figure out what is going on with you. Do you really want to live the rest of your life this way feeling like shit?

      Comment


      • #4
        Yikes.

        Comment


        • #5
          Maybe you are like I here - and you should never have gotten married to begin with.


          Comment


          • #6
            First of all, thank you for your insights. I need to point out that my kids are both teenagers now . The ex remarried and they all live a few hours away, so I don't get to see them very much.
            My first wife was very kind, considerate, loving, and attentive. I guess I just had a breakdown or something happened that caused me to go astray.
            What I can tell you is that the woman I am friend with at the moment is still lost in love with me. I don't understand how I attracted her or why she is so In love with me. I can see myself with her, but i don't say I love you because I'm being held back. I don't want to express my true feelings for her because I can't bring myself to divorce/leave my current wife. I know it's a waiting game for both that may never come. Which is probably why I broke things off with the affair.

            Comment


            • #7
              Is your affair divorced from her husband yet?

              Comment


              • #8
                Hi Lewot,
                Marriages and relationships go stale, boring, and uninteresting because when couples exhaust all they can know about a person then nothing excites anymore. When a new woman, a new scent, smile and looking into her eyes, the way you connect, it excites because of the unfamiliarity or newness of the experience. This is probably where your “For reason that I will never understand” statement comes in.

                But this is not love. Love is not how Hollywood portrays it. The commitment you made to your wife, which extends to your kids, is like a commitment to protect your house or a business you started from scratch, except that you are dealing with human lives. That is love, a commitment.

                You started a cycle that might never end. Eventually at least one of you will get bored, and doubt will set in and someone will likely start looking around again and jump to the next affair partner. I do not mean to offend but this is quite often the case, it doesn’t matter whether it has been ten years or two months. I have friends who are alone when they start having certain illnesses because there was no commitment to stay “for better or worse.” The partner who left, after all, have to look after their self-interest.

                The only thing I can say is thank you for your honesty and hopefully you can look back at, as you said, “I know I have a pattern of loving and leaving and treating women very poorly.” And ask for forgiveness from the people you left behind.

                Comment


                • #9
                  . So she started chatting it up with other guys and met a couple of them.
                  Well, she did it with you so shes going to do it on you.
                  At this point I am still married, and could not get away very often.
                  You're a chronic cheater. You don't "love" this new affair partner. What you love and are addicted to is the new relationship energy. Once that wanes, as it always does in long term relationships, you'll be out on the hunt again and you'll be just as low as you've always been.

                  Why get married or live with someone when you're the non-monogamous kind? You're an idiot to think you can be in a monogamous relationship. You started another thread whining about your lot in life and not being with the woman you love when you are the author of your own BS. It's not love, dude... it's lust.

                  Grow up and get help for your penchant to be with taken women and women who don't care that you're taken... it's all superficial and its all addiction.

                  I know her and I can stand the test of time, where all other failed. I just know we can be a loving married couple for life.
                  Ya, until the new relationship energy wears off... You'll never change until you start being honest with yourself and what your issue is. *hint... read the bolded part above*

                  Obviously anyone reading this will be skeptical. But if you were a fly on the wall watching us you would understand just how loving, romantic, and passionate we are and its genuine.
                  Ya, it's all good when life doesn't get in the way of your carnal knowledge of one another. Grow up!
                  Last edited by phasesofthemoon; October 20th, 2018, 01:31 PM.
                  "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Lewot View Post
                    First of all, thank you for your insights. I need to point out that my kids are both teenagers now . The ex remarried and they all live a few hours away, so I don't get to see them very much.
                    My first wife was very kind, considerate, loving, and attentive. I guess I just had a breakdown or something happened that caused me to go astray.
                    What I can tell you is that the woman I am friend with at the moment is still lost in love with me. I don't understand how I attracted her or why she is so In love with me. I can see myself with her, but i don't say I love you because I'm being held back. I don't want to express my true feelings for her because I can't bring myself to divorce/leave my current wife. I know it's a waiting game for both that may never come. Which is probably why I broke things off with the affair.
                    The woman you claim to love dated others in order not to be alone. You were just one of those.

                    She is weak. She needs a new man to turn to rather than leave her marriage and be independent in order to actually make a better decision in a man next time. She does not love you. She is seeking a safety net only. Unfortunately she is making the wrong choice again , because you as a safety net? Well you clearly are full of holes.

                    Your current wife willingly had an affair with a married man. And for some bizarre reason you thought that was a good choice???
                    That wasn’t a breakdown. That was just foolishness. In 11 years you split up 6 times!
                    Dont feel guilty leaving her. She opted to be with a cheater and break up a family , she got a cheater!
                    She made her own bed.

                    Your first wife. Why did you leave her? Don’t say a breakdown. That’s just a bs excuse. Had you cheated on her before that?
                    I am glad she has re married and bringing up your children in a stable environment.

                    Why do you not have joint custody and rarely see them?

                    Perhaps you should leave your wife , not for the third woman who clearly is not going to last the distance , but so you can move closer to your teenagers and start being a present father in their life.

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