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Extremely Confusing Breakup

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  • Extremely Confusing Breakup

    To start off with a little background: I'm female 23 ex is male 23

    I met my ex through some of my out of state friends and eventually began talking and developing feelings for each other. Then we started a long distance relationship. The relationship was great, he was super supportive, communicative, and honest. I struggle with anxiety and mild depression and was open about this to him. He was supportive of it and caring.

    The relationship continued and stayed strong and he visited a few times. Over some time he started talking about moving in with me. (I have my own apartment). I was a little nervous about this, it was a huge decision, but the excitement and happiness outweighed the doubts and we decided to go through with it. A few months later he moves in and the first week things are good between, felt like they always have. Then I started going through some family issues, this caused some anxiety and depression, I spent a few nights crying and had a panic attack one night. He was supportive, caring, and stayed by me.

    Then it was like he did a 180 flip. It started to feel more like I was living with a stranger than my boyfriend. He became more distant, stopped expressing his feelings vocally but continued to be physically affectionate. I started to get a little concerned with picking up on the change of feelings, so I sat down one night and decided to talk about it. The conversation went way beyond what I imagined. He flipped from thinking his feelings might be fading, to thinking of me like a sister, to us talking about breaking up, to passionately kissing me and telling me that he wanted to be with me. I was morbidly confused for days. I couldn't shake the conversation out of my head or get over the way it made me feel. I tried a few more times to have a conversation with him, feeling like he was holding back something about his feelings and didn't feel like he could talk to me about it. These conversations went no where. He would always just say it was because he missed his friends or his home. Nothing really about how he felt towards the relationship. It started to feel like while I was trying to resolve issues, he was closing off and I was starting to give up.

    Then, after a month of living together, I came home from work one day and all his belongings and him were gone. I panicked, I started fumbling with my phone to text him getting a bounce back that the messages were blocked, to calling and it going straight to VM, to noticing he had blocked me on FB, as well. I felt completely devastated and lost. No note, not word, just gone.

    A few days later, I had talked to friends about it, started to just kind of accept it and move past it when I got a text message from him. I'll post his text below with names removed:

    "---I'm going to send you a message now. I have not been completely honest with you. There is a lot here and I would rather speak with you but I know that if I did I wouldn't be able to get out my words before breaking down completely again. ---, I didnt leave because of any of the reasons I gave you. I didnt leave because I missed home. I didnt leave because I missed my dog. I didnt leave because I didnt think you would move with me to New York. ---, I left because I love you. I love you so much that I dont think you had any idea because I wouldn't show it to you. I didnt want to show it to you. I was trying to act like an asshole and have YOU end things, because it was becoming impossible to do so. I tried so hard to leave you before I couldn't. Before you read this as some lame excuse it's the setup for the truth. The truth is that I cant handle your anxiety/depression. I thought I could and I tried convincing myself that I could handle it ---. But I couldn't. I cant. The thought of waking up one day to you not being alive ate through me nearly everyday about two weeks of me being there. I would feel all this love and affection for you but everytime my mind would go back to the thought that one day you wouldn't be here. Maybe something crazy happens and like your mother dies or you lose --- forever. And you cant take life anymore and I would be the one to find you. It would absolutely destroy me. Completely devastate me. And these thoughts crippled me. Convinced me to try to make you think I was just a huge asshole and could just leave. Convinced myself that by leaving I could remove the biggest stress in your life. When I left I was crying so hard. Ask ---- for confirmation if you want. I stopped 3 times to cry. These past couple of days I have cried so much. I feel awful about what I did to you ----. You of all people didnt deserve it. I just cant get over the thought of losing you. I thought that me leaving would mean that I could just accept it. But it's been so hard. I'm so sorry. I'm so so so sorry. Nothing I say or do can convince you. Now you know that I'm just a big fucking coward. I'm saying these things so that you know why I did what I did. I'm not asking for acceptance or forgiveness or even a response. You just deserved to know why."

    I chose not to respond. And now he is interested in talking and trying to see if we can be friends and I don't really know how to feel about it. Or if I want to, if part of me can be sympathetic to the struggles he probably felt and could be friends. Or if I truly believe what he did is unjustified, selfish, and inconsiderate.

    **Side Note: I am not suicidal, or have/had feelings of hurting myself. I have had thoughts during panic attacks or feelings of depression, but am always able to understand that they are a symptom and not a solution. Also, I am getting treatment for my anxiety/depression via medications and therapy, in case this was a press for any concern.

  • #2
    Then it was like he did a 180 flip. It started to feel more like I was living with a stranger than my boyfriend.

    You WERE living with a stranger. You saw each other in person 'a few times' before you let him move in with you. That was a very foolish and immature thing to do.

    As for his letter, it's pure bullshit. He wanted out of the relationship and took the coward's way out.

    Next time use your head and don't let your hormones out-vote your brain.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


    • #3
      It does seem cowardly, what he's done. My husband had depression for awhile and we were not even married at the time. I suspected his triggers and we worked through it and his health. He is not depressed any longer and is very careful to watch for signs. As my husband's depression was health-related (body image etc), I do see it as my job to take him for who he is and understand that the good comes with flaws and those flaws are workable. With dedication it does not mar his existence or his value on this earth. I don't think anyone ought to have been treated the way you were treated. He's asking for forgiveness and acceptance for his behaviour which is up to you to decide.

      Exes should rarely remain friends and especially not at such a precarious time. You both need time to pick up the pieces and heal and move forward with your lives, accepting it is over. You always should be aware that you deserve to be treated kindly and fairly and by people who know you and accept you, all the while continuing to improve yourself and understand yourself. It's time to heal. Whether or not he has any place during this time in healing is up to you but that's just my opinion on it.


      • #4
        Weird! Well, it seems to me he had his own issues and isn't what would be easy to handle. He holds things in, can't love openly and deserted you, then throws this burden on you after he left. Wow! You might be better off without him, maybe a blessing in disguise that he left. Who knows if he really love you, if so it sounds like a selfish love, not sacrificial. Drop it, move on and find someone who will really be there for you and not add to your burden. btw: something that has helped many with depression/anxiety is taking magnesium and ginseng. They calm the mind body and spirit and get rid of sticky negative thoughts that loop around. Hope this helps you too. =)


        • #5
          Take it as a life lesson and consider it an ill conceived idea to jump from a long-distance relationship to a live-in relationship based on so little understanding of each other.

          He may have been cowardly in his exit, but he realized that living with a depressed/anxious person was not something he could handle after your panic attack episode. Next time look for a stronger man and be honest about the extent of your mental health problems.


          • #6
            If you really have not given an impression of being suicidal or anything , he probably has his own emotional trauma causing all this. He cannot handle his own emotions. And that isn't really your fault.