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  • What's your opinion on my situation?

    Hi All,

    I apologize for the long read, but I canít get this off my mind for the past month and would love to hear some opinions. I realize some of what I am sharing makes me seem like an asshole, but I wanted to be as honest as possible. I also realize I made a ton of mistakes

    My name is Chris and I am a 24-year-old recent graduate male. I met my ex-girlfriend about 2.5 years ago in college, we began dating with in 6 months of talking. We spent two years together (our final two years in college) with very little drama and had a healthy relationship. We rarely ever fought, neither of us got jealous, and we both enjoyed a lot of freedom. Over that two-year span, I always felt like I was in control of the relationship. Not saying that I did not treat her well, but more so she put a lot of effort in the relationship and treated me like a prince.

    During our final year in college, she got a two job offers. One which was in San Diego where we were living at time. The other was an offer where she would get a free graduate program in Arizona and would also spend summers/winters in San Jose for an internship. At the time she was deciding which job offer she wanted to take, I wanted to be single. I wanted to be single not because I wasnít happy with the relationship, but because I wanted to enjoy my youth and go meet young single girls (I know it sounds bad). Because I felt this way, I told her to take the job where she would spend the most of her time in Arizona and San Jose. I told her to take this job because it was better for her career, which is something she values very highly. When I explained this to her, I also mentioned that I didnít think a long-distance relationship (LDR) was the best idea because of their low success rate. At the time, she broke down and wanted and explanation why wouldnít even try the LDR but we eventually continued the next 6 months - year of our relationship.

    During the last 6 months of our relationship, I took a job that involved a lot of out-of-state traveling. During my traveling, I noticed my ex but in a TON of effort regarding staying in communication while I was out of state. I did not reciprocate this at all because I wanted to make the detachment easier. Other than that, our relationship was healthy, but it was weird having an expiration date on it. Our final week together was even weirder, as neither of us knew how to handle it.
    After she moved to San Jose to spend the summer in her internship, I moved to party area in my City and initially did not feel any repercussions from the break up because I was busy out having fun. We initially kept in slight contact, maybe talked once or twice a week. Because I was out partying, there were a few times I drunk called/texted her sharing that I missed her and still loved her. She handled the situation much more mature than I did and would say things along the lines of ďChris, I miss you too, but this is not healthyĒ. This happened a few times and eventually I felt hurt that she wasnít ever contacting me sharing these feeling. She told me that she didnítí do so because she though I wasnít a good idea. So eventually I warned her and total her I need to not stay in contact with her because there was too much temptation to break down and share my feelings.

    A few days later, I told her that I was too emotional when I told her this and changed my mind because I couldnít imagine not staying in contact with her. At times I even mentioned that I wanted to visit her but she told me no because she did not feel comfortable with it. She also mentioned that the last 6 months of us dating, when I was traveling a lot, was a test to see if we had the communication skills for LDR. She said we failed, even though it was clearly all because of my effort.
    The following month, we stayed in minor contact. We both messaged each other every so often about small and minor thing. About a month after that, I came to a personal realization. I realized that I was happier in a relationship and being single didnít mean as much to me as I thought it did. I realized I regretted not trying an LDR. I realized that it was something I was willing to try.

    So about a month ago, I contacted her and shared my feelings with her expecting that she felt the same, or at least would after some convincing. To my surprise she told me that she was a different person after spending 2 months in San Jose and did not share the same feelings anymore. The conversation ended at this until month later.

    A month later she was now living in Arizona and in school. Through social media, I noticed she was visiting San Diego one weekend. I reached out to her and told her I wanted to meet up and catch up. She blew me off and told she didnít feel comfortable because she was afraid of how I would react to how much she had changed. That same day she was driving back to Arizona from San Diego, we talked on the phone for a few hours. I once again told her that I made a mistake and I regretted not trying the LDR. She once again told me she didnít feel the same way and even went as far to say that she saw a guy her last month in San Jose (she has a very strict taste in males and this guy is the complete opposite of her taste) and caught feelings for him. She said she didnít talk to him anymore because it was just a summer fling, but she told me that she felt a stronger connection with him in that month than her and I ever did.

    This devastated the shit out of me. I wasnít able to sleep or eat. I eventually was able to get mostly past it because Iíve been telling myself it was a summer fling, and the feelings are almost artificial because she was having such a fun time living in a new city and not having to deal with any stress related to school. I believe her being relieved from stress was the main cause of this. She generally was a stress case, to the point where her eczema would break out. When she moved to San Jose, her eczema went away, and she was calmer than ever. Being away from all the stress, I feel like she was on a high and thatís why she had such a strong connection with this guy. I also want to mention again, that this guy is the opposite of her type.

    So, a few weeks after this conversation, I reached out to her and told her I wanted to share my feeling with her and asked for closure. She apologized for sharing that the saw the other guy and told me she shared it because she wanted me to move on. Towards the end of our conversation, we were once again on good terms.
    During this conversation, she broke down and also mentioned that the stress of school was returning and how she wanted to go back to being stress free. To close out or conversation, I brought up how we wanted to treat our communication. She asked me my thoughts. I told her my thoughts on it depending on two things (1) how comfortable she was with it and (2) whether she still shared any feelings. Ultimately, I told her I was comfortable where I was at and I told her she was in-charge of reaching out for the first time of getting back into contact.

    So here I am, two weeks later, and I feel like Iím in limbo. I want to be with her so bad, but I have deleted her off all social media and deleted her number just in case I had the urge to contact her. I think about her every day. I also feel like its worth mentioning that she is visiting this month.
    So here is my dilemma, (1) do I move on completely, forget everything about her, drop all feeling I have for her? Or (2) do I hang on to my feelings and love for her until I hear back from her?

    I know thinking of her is taking it's toll on me, but I feel confident I can win her back and I believe the pain will be worth it.

    I feel so lost. She is the first girl I have ever met where I can picture a legit future with her and because of that, i don't want to let go.

    Thanks again for your opinions.
    Last edited by kpv619; October 1st, 2018, 04:46 PM.

  • #2
    It sounds like she has moved on, and you should let her be. Of course she cares for you, but don't confuse those feelings for feelings of love.

    If you drag this out, it will only be hard on you in the long run. Be happy for her and let her go.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
      It sounds like she has moved on, and you should let her be. Of course she cares for you, but don't confuse those feelings for feelings of love.

      If you drag this out, it will only be hard on you in the long run. Be happy for her and let her go.
      Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

      What if her moving on was only temporary because of her dramatic life change? Additionally, I am afraid I'm letting something incredibly special go and I will regret it down the road, just as i have regretted not trying LDR.

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      • #4
        Well, if you feel like dragging out the torment, just wait and see if she ever contacts you again. But don't contact her.
        "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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        • #5
          Get on with your life and don't do it by hoping and waiting for her. Start dating other women, date lots of them and get your need to experience out of your system. She knows where to find you if she ever wants a do-over with you.

          ... and yes, DO NOT contact her. You left the ball in her court and now its her turn to return the lob. If she doesn't it won't matter because you'll be out there enjoying other ladies that show interest in you.
          Last edited by phasesofthemoon; October 1st, 2018, 05:19 PM.
          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
            Get on with your life and don't do it by hoping and waiting for her. Start dating other women, date lots of them and get your need to experience out of your system. She knows where to find you if she ever wants a do-over with you.

            ... and yes, DO NOT contact her. You left the ball in her court and now its her turn to return the lob. If she doesn't it won't matter because you'll be out there enjoying other ladies that show interest in you.
            Thank you for the reply!

            It's an interesting scenario because for the first time in my life, I feel like I have gotten the experience out of my system. I have been with other women recently but they have no appeal to me outside of a one night stand. None of them seem to compare to her.

            Do you think it is unhealthy to be opened minded and think to myself "there's a half decent chance one day we reunite and pick up where i left off"? Or does it make more sense for me to tell myself "we're done, there's no chance we're ever back together?"

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
              Well, if you feel like dragging out the torment, just wait and see if she ever contacts you again. But don't contact her.
              Thanks again, I feel like you make a great point.

              For future reference, if she were to contact me, in lets say a month, how would you interpret that?

              Comment


              • #8
                That her boyfriend was out of town and she was bored.
                "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

                Comment


                • #9
                  You blew it because you were a bit of a brat ("prince") and you sound like you're looking for a quick fix now because you don't know how to be alone, honestly. I really don't think you're mature enough to handle a long term relationship for the long term. Even if you did get into that stable place again, you'd just wonder if the grass is greener the other side. I think she's right not to trust you again and I don't really buy it that anything changed. Barely no time passed for you to grow and explore those very things that you thought were so important to you (how could you change your mind so quickly?). You seem whimsical and flighty even though this may not be the case deep down. It only seems like you ought to mature a bit more and not date at all. You also seem like you can't take No for an answer or maybe you've always easily got your way which is a red flag for anyone dating. Being with someone means being respectful of each other, mindful and learning to compromise and concede when things don't always go your way.

                  So about a month ago, I contacted her and shared my feelings with her expecting that she felt the same, or at least would after some convincing.
                  I know thinking of her is taking it's toll on me, but I feel confident I can win her back...
                  I think you should respect her a bit more and grow up. I mean this in the most neutral way (not deriding you or embarassing you - I don't know you). She is also the first girl you've ever met whom you feel you have a legit future with, you've said. What IS your future? What do you have to offer besides a flimsy track history of bailing? Where's your career headed? She's asked you to move on and you're coming across now as needy and desperate. Your best play right now is to keep your cool, do your thing, meet new people (I don't suggest dating anyone seriously) and focus on your career.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    kpv619 Do (1) Move on completely and move on. Forgetting is impossible but you can move on. You let a good one get away. Just remember for the future, when you find a girl who is trying to make it work, hang onto her because with partying and meeting new girls, the grass is not always greener on the other side. Once you find a good one, she's a jewel, priceless and irreplaceable.

                    I know a few people who live with a lot of regrets and remorse because they're no longer with their former love and now that person male or female is spoken for by some other very lucky individual. I'm not saying this is your story but it happens. One loss is someone else's very lucky gain.
                    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
                      You blew it because you were a bit of a brat ("prince") and you sound like you're looking for a quick fix now because you don't know how to be alone, honestly. I really don't think you're mature enough to handle a long term relationship for the long term. Even if you did get into that stable place again, you'd just wonder if the grass is greener the other side. I think she's right not to trust you again and I don't really buy it that anything changed. Barely no time passed for you to grow and explore those very things that you thought were so important to you (how could you change your mind so quickly?). You seem whimsical and flighty even though this may not be the case deep down. It only seems like you ought to mature a bit more and not date at all. You also seem like you can't take No for an answer or maybe you've always easily got your way which is a red flag for anyone dating. Being with someone means being respectful of each other, mindful and learning to compromise and concede when things don't always go your way.





                      I think you should respect her a bit more and grow up. I mean this in the most neutral way (not deriding you or embarassing you - I don't know you). She is also the first girl you've ever met whom you feel you have a legit future with, you've said. What IS your future? What do you have to offer besides a flimsy track history of bailing? Where's your career headed? She's asked you to move on and you're coming across now as needy and desperate. Your best play right now is to keep your cool, do your thing, meet new people (I don't suggest dating anyone seriously) and focus on your career.
                      Although it's harsh, i appreciate your honest opinion.

                      I'm trying to understand your comment regarding "What IS your future?". Could you please elaborate? As in, what's it's relevance to the situation?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by chanelle View Post
                        kpv619 Do (1) Move on completely and move on. Forgetting is impossible but you can move on. You let a good one get away. Just remember for the future, when you find a girl who is trying to make it work, hang onto her because with partying and meeting new girls, the grass is not always greener on the other side. Once you find a good one, she's a jewel, priceless and irreplaceable.

                        I know a few people who live with a lot of regrets and remorse because they're no longer with their former love and now that person male or female is spoken for by some other very lucky individual. I'm not saying this is your story but it happens. One loss is someone else's very lucky gain.
                        Thanks for the response.

                        During the time we were together, I knew she was special, but I didn't think of her as a jewel. Do you think the reason that i am viewing her as a jewel now is temporary feeling post-break up? or do you think it's something that will stick with me?

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by kpv619 View Post

                          Thank you for the reply!

                          It's an interesting scenario because for the first time in my life, I feel like I have gotten the experience out of my system. I have been with other women recently but they have no appeal to me outside of a one night stand. None of them seem to compare to her.

                          Do you think it is unhealthy to be opened minded and think to myself "there's a half decent chance one day we reunite and pick up where i left off"? Or does it make more sense for me to tell myself "we're done, there's no chance we're ever back together?"
                          Well, i know you're having regrets and I'm sorry you're going through this but she's told you twice now that she's not open to a reconciliation so do your best to accept that it's over. You'll be more likely to find a good woman who you want more than one night with if you are open in mind and heart. Right now she is filling both with the essence that is her.

                          You're not going to find the beauty in others when you're pining for someone else so take a time out and get yourself cleansed of her.

                          You'll be okay once you accept the inevitable which you will, in time.
                          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                          Comment


                          • #14

                            kpv619 Anytime. Thank you for the kind words.

                            Well, if you knew she was special, you know in your heart that you shouldn't have let a good one get away but that's all in the past now. Your feelings might very well be permanent regarding how you felt your ex-girlfriend was precious to you because you didn't appreciate her while she was in a relationship with you. That feeling will never go away because you feel guilty that you let her go when you shouldn't have which is what regret and remorse are. It will stick with you but you can either stew and beat yourself up about this for a long time OR transform this pain, hurt and regret into your wisdom gained for your future relationship. You learn from your past mistakes, become wiser and prevent relationships from going awry. Consider past regrets and remorse as harsh lessons learned from this day forward.

                            All you can do is become wise and know in the future, when there's a good girl worth keeping in your life, know good girls are rare. (This applies to eligible bachelors when women are shopping around, too. Be very picky and choosy!) Once you strike gold, hang onto your "keeper" real tight because now you know how difficult it is to find "thee one" on this Earth.

                            The problem is in society, bad people whether female or male are so dime-a-dozen and commonplace everywhere. Bad people abound. A great person of stellar personality and character are extremely difficult to find and if you end up with them, you are extremely blessed, lucky and fortunate.

                            In my lifetime, I've seen so many countless divorces or lonely people within my family tree, relatives, in-laws, friends and acquaintances. Whenever I observe sincerely happy couples in my midst and they've found "thee one," I think it is rare, unusual and what we all desire.
                            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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