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What exactly is 'neediness'?

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  • What exactly is 'neediness'?

    Hello!

    This might seem like a dumb question to ask. But, I'm genuinely unsettled by this issue. Earlier this spring, I was dating this girl. After about two months, she ended the relationship through a Personal Message on Facebook. She wrote "I find you really needy." Of course, she didn't go on to explain or give examples to substantiate this criticism.

    Then, two months ago, I started dating another woman. Two weeks ago, she too sent me a PM on Facebook. Guess what? In this one, she wrote that "I find you far too wanting." Once again, no explanation or examples as to what she meant by my "wanting."

    So, what do you think people mean when they say a man is "needy" or "too wanting." I'm passionate about self-development. This is why I want to work hard on getting rid of this perception that these two women had about me. I'd really appreciate your advice and insights.


  • #2
    Ryan_Gos Use your memory. Think back to your behavior towards these women. Did you blowup their phones by bombarding them with texts? Did you email or use FB messenger excessively? Were you pushy and insistent? Did you get together too much? Did you give them enough time and space? Were your words wise? Were you goofy and silly?

    Women want men who are poised, gracious, self-confident, humble and not in their face. Too much contact leads to boredom and burnout.

    I dated my husband before the age of the Internet and it was refreshing because we didn't bother each other too much. We kept our relationship alive by preventing it from going stale or tiresome.

    Don't glom onto a girl otherwise you'll alienate her quickly. Don't latch on to the point where you are perceived as a bother and nuisance. Strike a good balance and often times you simply need to back off and give her breathing room.
    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

    Comment


    • #3
      Somewhere within the throes of your passion for self-development you're also going to have to self-develop and eventually practice the "don't give a fuck" technique.

      Be at peace with yourself, grow and also love yourself. Those should be the goals of self-development. If you are not at peace with yourself you're missing the point.

      Comment


      • #4
        Well if you're developing a pattern of losing women then you better not settle for loving yourself as is. It will continue to be a detriment to you maintaining a relationship to the long haul.

        Do you have any friends or do you rely on your romantic partner to be your sole source of entertainment?
        Do you have hobbies that you attend to or do you rely on your romantic partner to keep you busy?
        When they couldn't see you did you whine about it?
        Did you expect them to spend every free minute with you?
        Did you expect copious amounts of displays of affection?


        Can you explain the dynamics of these two relationships that led these women to not be able to tolerate you being yourself?
        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

        Comment


        • #5
          Needing constant contact, constant reassurance, constant touching, etc.

          Healthy people want a partner that has a life. Things like a job, hobbies, friends, family, etc that give their lives meaning, occupies some amount of their time and energy, and provides support separate from the romantic relationship because healthy people have their own lives apart from their romantic partner.

          I suspect that these ladies found you too consuming of their time and energy. Being with you left them little energy to pursue the other things in their lives.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Pollon View Post
            Needing constant contact, constant reassurance, constant touching, etc.

            Healthy people want a partner that has a life. Things like a job, hobbies, friends, family, etc that give their lives meaning, occupies some amount of their time and energy, and provides support separate from the romantic relationship because healthy people have their own lives apart from their romantic partner.

            I suspect that these ladies found you too consuming of their time and energy. Being with you left them little energy to pursue the other things in their lives.

            Thanks Pollon for that reply.

            Your assessment is really helpful in my trying to understand what a woman might mean by the word "needy." However, I still don't understand it! I just wish I could speak to these two women and ask for clarification. I guess that would also be seen as me being needing or 'wanting', don't you think so?

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by chanelle View Post
              Ryan_Gos Use your memory. Think back to your behavior towards these women. Did you blowup their phones by bombarding them with texts? Did you email or use FB messenger excessively? Were you pushy and insistent? Did you get together too much? Did you give them enough time and space? Were your words wise? Were you goofy and silly?

              Women want men who are poised, gracious, self-confident, humble and not in their face. Too much contact leads to boredom and burnout.

              I dated my husband before the age of the Internet and it was refreshing because we didn't bother each other too much. We kept our relationship alive by preventing it from going stale or tiresome.

              Don't glom onto a girl otherwise you'll alienate her quickly. Don't latch on to the point where you are perceived as a bother and nuisance. Strike a good balance and often times you simply need to back off and give her breathing room.

              Thank you Channelle for that response.

              You asked lots of important questions that make me wonder if I had been "needy" and "wanting." With the first woman, I did send long Personal Messages on Facebook. But she did the same! I did expect regular communications with her. And when I didn't get that, I did tell her about it. Surely, isn't regular communication part of being in a growing relationship?

              With the second female, it was her who was phoning me too much and sending me too many PMs on Facebook. I found HER needy! Yet, it is me that she is accusing of being "far too wanting."

              Despite your useful advice, I'm still unsettled and confused.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
                Somewhere within the throes of your passion for self-development you're also going to have to self-develop and eventually practice the "don't give a fuck" technique.

                Be at peace with yourself, grow and also love yourself. Those should be the goals of self-development. If you are not at peace with yourself you're missing the point.

                Thank you Rose Mosse for that response.

                I think you are really close to assessing my weaknesses. I really do need to 'practice the "don't give a fuck" technique.

                The second woman did say that "you need to love yourself."

                This topic about neediness is a lot more complex than one thinks.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Ryan_Gos View Post


                  Thanks Pollon for that reply.

                  Your assessment is really helpful in my trying to understand what a woman might mean by the word "needy." However, I still don't understand it! I just wish I could speak to these two women and ask for clarification. I guess that would also be seen as me being needing or 'wanting', don't you think so?
                  When you were seeing these women, did you ever cancel other plans or scheduled events / hobbies etc in order to see them?
                  Or did you stop making plans to meet friends etc In order to keep a day or evening free in case the woman would be free?
                  Did you ever suggest coming along with them to their plans without actually being invited first?

                  Did you text too frequently?
                  Too mushy?
                  Did you ask for compliments?

                  When you were out with their friends , did you interact or remain by their side?

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
                    Well if you're developing a pattern of losing women then you better not settle for loving yourself as is. It will continue to be a detriment to you maintaining a relationship to the long haul.

                    Do you have any friends or do you rely on your romantic partner to be your sole source of entertainment?
                    Do you have hobbies that you attend to or do you rely on your romantic partner to keep you busy?
                    When they couldn't see you did you whine about it?
                    Did you expect them to spend every free minute with you?
                    Did you expect copious amounts of displays of affection?


                    Can you explain the dynamics of these two relationships that led these women to not be able to tolerate you being yourself?

                    Thanks for that response.

                    Yes, loving myself must become my number one goal.

                    The answers to your questions.
                    yes, I did rely too much on these two women for entertainment and company.
                    I do have hobbies that I attended. But I had two different hobbies and those were the places I met these two women. So, I couldn't get away from these women!

                    When I couldn't see them, I did show my disappointment.

                    I did expect them to spend a lot of time with me.

                    And yes, I did expect lots of validation from them in many different ways. I guess this has to be the main source of these two women criticizing me for being "needy" and "far too wanting."

                    The dynamics that led to the end of the relationships?
                    With the first woman, I wasn't getting much validation. So, I openly told her that in a long email. Her response was a long response with lots of F-words!

                    With the second woman, it was me who ended the relationship. Even here, I was not getting the validation from her in terms of the value I thought I was bringing into the relationship. So, in a phone call, I told her that. I thought being open and honest would be a virtue. Instead, she became defensive.

                    After asking members of this forum about neediness, these responses are helping me figure out my weaknesses.





                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post

                      When you were seeing these women, did you ever cancel other plans or scheduled events / hobbies etc in order to see them?
                      Or did you stop making plans to meet friends etc In order to keep a day or evening free in case the woman would be free?
                      Did you ever suggest coming along with them to their plans without actually being invited first?

                      Did you text too frequently?
                      Too mushy?
                      Did you ask for compliments?

                      When you were out with their friends , did you interact or remain by their side?


                      Good questions.

                      The main issues here must be to do with being "too mushy" and expecting compliments. You see, I am in the creative profession where one needs the feedback. So, with both of these women, I did ask and expect praise. And both did say I was cheesy which might mean mushy too!

                      I would still like to contact both of these women and ask what they meant by being "needy." Do you think I should do that?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Ryan_Gos View Post



                        Good questions.

                        The main issues here must be to do with being "too mushy" and expecting compliments. You see, I am in the creative profession where one needs the feedback. So, with both of these women, I did ask and expect praise. And both did say I was cheesy which might mean mushy too!

                        I would still like to contact both of these women and ask what they meant by being "needy." Do you think I should do that?
                        You only dated these women for 8 and 6 weeks.
                        You didnít know them well at all. They didnít know you either.
                        So, why would you care for their feedback and praise at the time ?

                        You need feedback from your workplace in order to strive and get ahead of the game. But think about who is giving you that feedback? A superior? Long standing colleague?
                        Do you really give a crap about the feedback or comments from a new trainee on the job? One day maybe when they have proven their comments to be of value.

                        It seems you want to skip the exciting dating times and be in a relationship overnight.
                        Take it slower and date once weekly only until about 8 weeks in . And keep contact in between to a minimum , only to arrange the next date etc. Not chit chat or long winded emails.
                        Keep off each otherís social media until you have established exclusive dating. And even then donít over comment or message on there.

                        Comment


                        • #13


                          Ryan_Gos If you have to worry if you were "needy" and "wanting," you were to the point of excess. Just because the other woman sends long PMs on FB, it doesn't mean you have to do likewise. Be your own person. Don't emulate the woman's communication style. I'm not saying to be blunt and terse either. I'm saying strike a balance where you're not giving her long winded responses despite her doing the same. It doesn't mean you have to follow suit. Don't expect regular communication from her because you're considered high-maintenance and no one wants a high-maintenance person in their life. When you complained, you made it even worse by reminding her you really are a time trap.

                          Communication doesn't have to be regular and constant in order to grow. On the contrary, leaving an aura of mystery about you is far more attractive, alluring and enduring. Clinging to a woman for constant, regular communication makes you look clingy and insecure. Whenever there is too much familiarity, it results in burnout, the relationship fizzles and dissolves. You cause women to desire a permanent break from you because you are too much work.

                          With the second female or any female (or friends), healthy space is important. Also, what you say or write can be perceived as "far too wanting." Never be a leech or parasite. Be careful with your wording. Keep it brief!

                          Try not to be unsettled and confused and don't blame yourself because it takes two to tango. You need to be compatible and you haven't found the right one yet. However, she's out there for you.

                          And, it's unhealthy to obsess over a woman. You need a life. Do you exercise? Are you fit and health-conscious? Try immersing yourself into getting into shape which is time-consuming. Have a social life outside just one woman. Friends? Hobbies? Outings / Activities? Do you volunteer and help anyone in your community? Do you spend time with family? A woman is not the sole purpose of your being.

                          Being unavailable sometimes is permissible and there's nothing wrong with being busy with your own life within reason, of course. Strike a balance and happy-medium because it signals high self-esteem and self-confidence and that right there is the draw and attraction. Women will notice you because you're comfortable within your own skin, secure and not so "needy."

                          "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Ryan_Gos View Post
                            I did expect lots of validation from them in many different ways.

                            With the first woman, I wasn't getting much validation. So, I openly told her that in a long email.

                            With the second woman, it was me who ended the relationship. Even here, I was not getting the validation from her in terms of the value I thought I was bringing into the relationship. So, in a phone call, I told her that.
                            What validation do you expect to receive in a relationship? Or what validation was missing which upset you?

                            And what did you say to these women when you told them as described above?

                            Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              I would still like to contact both of these women and ask what they meant by being "needy." Do you think I should do that?
                              Of course you should do that. Doing that would validate their assessment of you being too needy. You've gotten lots of feed back here of what "needy" means in general and you have displayed most of the examples of what being needy is so no need to bother these women any further with "wanting" yet again.

                              Time to work on your confidence either on your own or with the help of a life coach or therapist that will get you to a point where you view yourself as the prize, someone who is happy in his own skin, a guy that doesn't need a woman in his life but having one would just be the cherry on top of an already perfectly fine cake.
                              "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                              Comment

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