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Havent told anyone need advice so confused and hurt

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  • Havent told anyone need advice so confused and hurt

    Do yesterday i needed on my husbands laptop to print off an email, long story short he put up a fight in giving me the password before he headed off to work made me think somthing was going on so yes i snooped and his email account was signed on.. found emails from 3 years before we got together to a man who was wanting to become a woman and my husband had an in depth conversation for months with this man and my husbands words "i have fanticies of a transgender woman, i like woman more but like men too so cant really explain" i ofcourse wanted to know what the hell because he has never told me he is sexually attracted to men so he has said it was a phase and it was ladyboys he was attracted to after watching porn and he knew it was wrong and he doesnt feel that way and he isnt gay... im so confused i feel sick, hurt and betrayed... i have a 2 year old with him and i am currently pregnant (both are his) i worry hes using our family and marriage as a front and hes in the closet... any advice im just in so much shock (also all his recent history/activity was deleted) dont know what to do or what to think. Please be kind im in a tough situation

  • #2
    You scrolled back 6 years into his emails???
    Iím assuming you have been together at least 3 and this email was 3 years prior?

    You were digging for info! Why???

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    • #3
      I wasnt ever doubting him just the way he behaved when i asked him for his laptop password (which we are meant to be sharing and he had changed the password) he got overly defensive and really fought to not give me it which ofcourse made me think what was that all about and made me curious... nope i didnt have to look hard it was in his sent box and actually near the top (he had deleted recently sent) so yes it was near the top and before i even clicked it i could see in the subject box transgender date...

      I dont know what i expected to see to be honest but that was the last thing i thought i would see... I have never cheated but ive been cheated on in the past so yes i do have a guard up especially when ive been lied to.. just incase you try and say somthing like that to me next i dont see why your responce was quiet confrontational i'm 26 with a 2 year old and another baby in the way i just came for advice on what i should do im so lost

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      • #4
        Originally posted by Scottishwoman View Post
        I wasnt ever doubting him just the way he behaved when i asked him for his laptop password (which we are meant to be sharing and he had changed the password) he got overly defensive and really fought to not give me it which ofcourse made me think what was that all about and made me curious... nope i didnt have to look hard it was in his sent box and actually near the top (he had deleted recently sent) so yes it was near the top and before i even clicked it i could see in the subject box transgender date...

        I dont know what i expected to see to be honest but that was the last thing i thought i would see... I have never cheated but ive been cheated on in the past so yes i do have a guard up especially when ive been lied to.. just incase you try and say somthing like that to me next i dont see why your responce was quiet confrontational i'm 26 with a 2 year old and another baby in the way i just came for advice on what i should do im so lost
        His laptop? You are meant to share yet he has password protected? Do you have a laptop?
        Is this a business / work laptop?

        Is this an email address he hasnít used in years? Because if this email was in his sent box at the top from 6 years ago, then he clearly hasnít used it in a long time.
        I have no idea how one deletes ďrecently sentĒ emails and have a 6 year old one remain at the top. Enlighten me please.

        If I sound confrontational , forgive me, itís just that none of this makes any sense to me.

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        • #5
          Its a home laptop that he bought a few years ago "for us" and as soon as i hit to go on the internet it was his emails that came up already signed on and wow youre asking me that. How am i meant to know why hes been deleting recently sent emails and keeping old ones god only knows but yeah it was near the top and very noticable so it may not make sense to you but what doesnt make sense to me is why you feel i need to be put on trial when im simply here to see what peoples responces are to the fact i found out he was having in depths convos with a trans and he told me it turned him on and yes the guy parts and the fact they look like woman and he says hes never done anything with a man i just dont know what to beileve as you can imagine its a very big f shock so please more the point

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          • #6
            If he's turned on by men, is that a deal-breaker for you or would you be willing to work it out?
            "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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            • #7
              I really dont know how i feel yet to be honest... im still in shock, since admitting the emails and being on the transgender dating sites in the past he says that "it was a phase and in no way is he gay" and "it was more that they looked like a woman, it was like excitement at the time because it was like forbidden" but he says he knew it was wrong so then stopped it and doesnt feel that way now...i dont know what to think but what i do know is in no way will me and my 2 children be a front if he is in the closet hes my husband so it makes me a much more difficult desicion to make never mind the fact I am also pregnant... i dont even know is it possible to go through "a phase" like that (when he was doing this he wouldve been 29 :/

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              • #8
                What makes you think that you and your children are a 'front'? Is he not a good and loving husband to you and a good father to the children?
                "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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                • #9
                  I just dont know what to think or where to go from here, ive had to tell him to spend more time with our son because i was seeing him spend a short amount of time with him then straight on his phone for ages, as the years have went by its not been easy i know no one is perfect but i would say he does have an anger issue when it comes to him playing poker (i see it as a gamblimg problem he disagrees) also in the last year he drinks alot more and again goes online to play poker its got to the point i dont go near him while hes playing just because he quickly rages and i get a fright with his reactions or he starts shouting. Hes also not a team player to help me atal and can be lazy again im not perfect but he hasnt done enough when it comes to our son.

                  If he is gay i wouldnt stay with him (not that i have anything against them one of the boys i grew up with was gay), its just i feel ive been betrayed and lied to and again i dont know whether to beileve his response for it being a phase.

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                  • #10
                    To me, it seems that the transgender thing is not the most pressing issue in your marriage. His anger, his gambling problem, his drinking, combined with what you perceive as his lack of attention to your son are the real problems in your marriage. He's not likely to admit that he's gay or even has feelings in that direction. Most likely it's just a fantasy that he would never indulge.

                    Do you love him enough to make it work? Also, are you capable of supporting yourself if you decide to leave?
                    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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                    • #11
                      His fantasy... his business. In all the years you've been together he's not given you any reason to doubt his sexuality or his loyalty to you so why are you feeling threatened now over an email from the past that e is no longer interested in?

                      He's having regular sex with you, he's having children with you, he loves you and his family.

                      You had no right to snoop into his private email but you were smart enough to bring up with him what you found. He's explained his mind set at the time to you and he's shown you in actions with words that match that its you (and full-fledged, born females) that he is actually into.

                      The reason, most likely, that he didn't want you going into his lap top is because he didn't want you to know his fantasy. Just because you're married it doesn't mean you are to give up your entire life and past 'secrets' to your partner. Even couples are entitled to some privacy.

                      So.. Unless he's showing you signs of cheating, learn to let this go and get on with your happy and content (up to this point) life with him. That is what trust is.

                      Is he showing you any suspect behavior?
                      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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                      • #12
                        Further: Just read further then when I posted and I would say that you don't have a very happy marriage generally and that you should start looking into ways to either get him to go to marriage counselling with you or ways to just leave and get child support payments in progress and finding a place for you to live with the children.

                        *Note to self* Read all posts before responding.
                        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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                        • #13
                          It would be difficult and i know my husband would make it difficult if it did go down the route of divorce because i know hes strongly against it and with arguements and things in the past hes told me he wouldnt give up the house but i live in the UK and the laws are different i know because i am the main carer for our son and this is his home that we would have legal rights to stay (its not a bought house its a housing assocation like council)

                          As difficult as it has been through the years i have stayed because I do love him and i want things to be better its just another thing added onto my shoulders that I didnt expect... thank you for your replys both sarah and phases of the moon i hope yourr both right and its just a fantacy thats what i want to beileve its just difficult to get my head around

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