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I am feeling so low after fight with husband

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  • I am feeling so low after fight with husband

    To start off, I am 26 years old, my husband is 27 years old. This month we will be married 6 years. I love him and I think we are compatible, many same interests, sense of humor etc. At the beginning of this year I caught him having a secret online friendship with a girl. No flirting/affair stuff but it was the fact he hid it and spoke badly of me to her, he said it was just nice venting to someone else. But this hurt me because he knows I'm insecure and secret/lying stuff I cannot stand. A lot of mean stuff was said and brought to light which i tried to heal from, but then we recently had another fight, and he made comments about wishing i posted pictures like all those instagram girls (which the ones he looks at are edited btw) he made comments about liking fit girls, saying i would look better if I lost weight, and then also said he doesn't think I have enough passion and stamina in bed. I am 5'4, I wear a size 7 or 8, my waist is 29 inches. I have always never had a flat stomach, but I've never been super thin, just normal. I actually am thinner now then when we started dating. I now feel completely disgusted with how I look. I have always had self esteem issues and he knows this. I feel so hurt and like i can't imagine having sex with him because all i can think about is how I am not what he desires. I also feel embarrassed because he said I don't have enough passion and stamina, and I always tried my best. From what i hear from friends, I do a lot more in bed then people i know at least. Makes me feel like he has a warped view from porn and is expecting that from me. I just don't even know what to think, i have always struggled with anxiety and depression, so this is just eating away at me. I feel so unattractive and like I can never be good enough. I want this marriage to last but i feel like i don't even want him to look at me. I found this forum to get stuff off my chest I don't have anyone to talk to about this. Just feel so down

  • #2
    I suspect your problem isn't your weight or that these other girls are "better" looking. This most important issue is your anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. These all lead to lack of confidence, over-sensitivity, lack of adventure (out and in bed) and a generally negative outlook.

    From your husband's perspective, he can't say anything to you because you freak out (over-sensitive). So he talks to online strangers.
    Your lack of confidence looks like lack of interest in him and sex. The girls that post online APPEAR to have confidence in themselves and their bodies. That is likely not the fact, but you can't tell that online or in porn.
    A negative attitude is never fun to hang around. Again, the girls online APPEAR to have a good attitude. No one posts Instagram pictures of themselves with a frown on their face.
    Your husband is associating weight and body shape with the online girls' confidence and assumes that, along with your comments or the way you carry yourself, that you might be more confident if you lost some weight.

    My advice is to get some professional help with your anxiety, depression, and self-esteem. A pro can guide you and your husband to work together so you both get what you want.

    Good luck

    PS: Your husband's comments, online conversations, and internet viewing are certainly not respectful or mature. Nor are they going to help your relationship. However, having an oversensitive wife he can't talk to leaves him with two bad choices-- look online or suck it up and suffer in silence. Get your confidence up and then you can decide if he's worth dealing with.

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Pollon View Post
      I suspect your problem isn't your weight or that these other girls are "better" looking. This most important issue is your anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. These all lead to lack of confidence, over-sensitivity, lack of adventure (out and in bed) and a generally negative outlook.

      From your husband's perspective, he can't say anything to you because you freak out (over-sensitive). So he talks to online strangers.
      Your lack of confidence looks like lack of interest in him and sex. The girls that post online APPEAR to have confidence in themselves and their bodies. That is likely not the fact, but you can't tell that online or in porn.
      A negative attitude is never fun to hang around. Again, the girls online APPEAR to have a good attitude. No one posts Instagram pictures of themselves with a frown on their face.
      Your husband is associating weight and body shape with the online girls' confidence and assumes that, along with your comments or the way you carry yourself, that you might be more confident if you lost some weight.

      My advice is to get some professional help with your anxiety, depression, and self-esteem. A pro can guide you and your husband to work together so you both get what you want.

      Good luck

      PS: Your husband's comments, online conversations, and internet viewing are certainly not respectful or mature. Nor are they going to help your relationship. However, having an oversensitive wife he can't talk to leaves him with two bad choices-- look online or suck it up and suffer in silence. Get your confidence up and then you can decide if he's worth dealing with.
      The thing is, most of my problems, anxiety, low self esteem, only come out for him to see during fights. Normally I am not a negative person, I'm not always anxious or depressed, these traits appear when something happens. I am normally an easy going person and my husband would vouch for me on that. That is why this is so hurtful. I try so hard, try to be a happy person and generally am. But stuff like this happens, then I feel very low

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      • #4
        Iím sorry youíre feeling so down. I agree with you and it has been my personal experience that watching porn does warp a pedsonís view. I was just listening to bott radio network the other day and they were discussing this on focus on the family. They referred to it as virtual infidelity which helped me understand why it always made me feel so terrible about myself. I encourage you to google the program. It may answer some of your questions and give you a better understanding of the effects it has on a marriage. Have you ever gotten help with your depression and anxiety? Have you considered seeing a counselor? I also suffer from anxiety and I see a Christian counselor which has been really good for me. Maybe someone like that can help you too. There is also a good book called boundaries by Dr. Henry cloud that you might want to read. It might help you and your husband set some boundaries as far as who you share the intimate details of your life with or who you choose as a sounding board. I hope this helps. Hugs! You are not alone! I will be praying for you this week.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Snflwrgrl View Post
          Iím sorry youíre feeling so down. I agree with you and it has been my personal experience that watching porn does warp a pedsonís view. I was just listening to bott radio network the other day and they were discussing this on focus on the family. They referred to it as virtual infidelity which helped me understand why it always made me feel so terrible about myself. I encourage you to google the program. It may answer some of your questions and give you a better understanding of the effects it has on a marriage. Have you ever gotten help with your depression and anxiety? Have you considered seeing a counselor? I also suffer from anxiety and I see a Christian counselor which has been really good for me. Maybe someone like that can help you too. There is also a good book called boundaries by Dr. Henry cloud that you might want to read. It might help you and your husband set some boundaries as far as who you share the intimate details of your life with or who you choose as a sounding board. I hope this helps. Hugs! You are not alone! I will be praying for you this week.
          The husband did cross boundaries by discussing with another about his issues within his marriage.
          However most people can easily distinguish fantasy (porn) from reality.
          Porn isnít virtual infidelity. Chatting online to others of the opposite sex and hiding it is.

          Why see a Christian counsellor? Anxiety is anxiety irrespective of religion or race.
          Sounds like a biased counsellor to me based on religious beliefs??? Wow I didnít even know that existed!!!
          You should be unaware of the religious beliefs of your counsellor. Wtf?

          Comment


          • #6
            Angellove Your husband is acting the jerk for whatever reason only he knows. However: The first thing you need to do is get yourself in top shape mentally and emotionally and the help of a trained therapist or a Life Coach will start you in that process. Once you have the confidence and self-worth that is currently lacking and you've formed good boundaries that you will not let your insensitive husband cross, you will likely find that your husband will respect you more and your connection to one another will be re-established. Thing is, even if your marriage doesn't get back on track, with therapy, you will be in a much better place in general should your relationship not be able to get back on track. So look after you first and hopefully, the rest will follow.

            In essence, he gaslighted the shit out of you when you highlighted how disrespectful and inappropriate it was for him to be discussing you and your marriage with some fluze from the internet. Had you the confidence and self-assuredness inherently within, you would have shut him down when he tried to justify and you would have told him (when he dissed your body) that there were plenty of men out there that found your body type sexy and shame on him for trying to turn this around on you. Get the help you need to garner the confidence to KNOW you are a prize that he should be grateful to be with.

            Don't delay because the longer you no longer want to be sexually intimate with him, the wider the gap in your emotional connection to one another will become. Time to realize your own worth and fuck his opinion about it, which to me, was just him trying to knock you down and distract you from pointing out to him how wrong HIS online behavior is.
            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

            Comment


            • #7
              This is what you said in your original post....

              Originally posted by Angellove View Post
              ....... he knows I'm insecure and secret/lying stuff I cannot stand. ...... I have always had self esteem issues and he knows this. ...... i have always struggled with anxiety and depression, ......
              And then you respond with this....

              Originally posted by Angellove View Post
              .....The thing is, most of my problems, anxiety, low self esteem, only come out for him to see during fights. Normally I am not a negative person, I'm not always anxious or depressed, these traits appear when something happens. I am normally an easy going person and my husband would vouch for me on that. That is why this is so hurtful. I try so hard, try to be a happy person and generally am. But stuff like this happens, then I feel very low....
              He's your husband of six years. You can't hide your anxiety, depression and low self-esteem from him. He may be treating you with kid gloves to avoid provoking your fits of anxiety and depression, but don't think he doesn't know it's there.

              Again, his behavior is not okay, but YOU need to get help.

              Comment


              • #8
                How did your husband and you meet? Were there always issues between the both of you? He sounds a bit like he's living on another planet or plays video games all day/not in touch with reality.

                I have more questions:
                1) How /why did you marry him if you already had issues prior?
                2) If these weren't issues before, what happened in the relationship that divided the both of you over time? What other disagreements have you had in the past or ongoing/unresolved issues?
                3) Where do you see yourself in your future?

                Sorry - I don't have enough info to say anything about your relationship. It sounds like you're just venting to me.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post

                  The husband did cross boundaries by discussing with another about his issues within his marriage.
                  However most people can easily distinguish fantasy (porn) from reality.
                  Porn isnít virtual infidelity. Chatting online to others of the opposite sex and hiding it is.

                  Why see a Christian counsellor? Anxiety is anxiety irrespective of religion or race.
                  Sounds like a biased counsellor to me based on religious beliefs??? Wow I didnít even know that existed!!!
                  You should be unaware of the religious beliefs of your counsellor. Wtf?
                  Hi Maggiemay. I hope I didnít offend you. My sincerest apologies if I did. I was just trying to share what helped me to hopefully help the next person. I agree with you that discussing issues within your marriage with an outside person crosses boundaries. I chose a Christian counselor because they supported my beliefs and the advice they gave me truly helped. I hadnít had that experience with other counselors in the past. Best wishes to you always.

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