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Please, I need help or guidance on this Issue with my Partner

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  • Please, I need help or guidance on this Issue with my Partner

    So, to begin, I've been in a relationship with this girl since high school (4 years). This girl, who'll I'll refer to as Sally, and I have had a pretty good relationship in the past. Though she is kind of pushy and yells at me about the smallest things, I accept it and feel like I can live with it. Btw this is her personality, and not a sign that she is not interested in me or anything. I know this for a fact cause that's how she's been in the past.
    To give some background, last summer she got in an argument over text with my mother about this kitten our family took in. I told her she shouldn't be arguing with her over text while trying to reaffirm her by saying we'll talk to my mother about the kitten. She continued to argue with her. I then wasn't responding due to the arguments between myself and my mother over this matter. She texted me not to long after saying, "I can't do this anymore, I think we should take a break.." and "take good care of the kitten for me." I was like wtf and was texting her back. I then went over to her house to talk to her. We talked, I comforted her about the kitten, and she told me what she was feeling and what the problems were. Fast forward a week later, I must go on a family vacation to Ocean City, Maryland and she has to go back to her apartment. While I'm on vacation, this grad student asks her if she wants to go on a bar crawl with him and his friends. She says sure and invites him to leave his stuff at her place. Long story short, they go on the bar crawl and come back to her place. I come back home the next day, and she comes out with me and my parents to dinner. In the conversation, she proceeds to tell me as well as my family that "she doesn't remember how she got home last night". After dinner, I go and hang out with her. We walk around the city, then we go back to her place. I see one beer can on the night stand, and one on the desk. I start to get a little suspicious. We lay down and I ask her what happened last night? (of course, I brought it up in convo cause I didn't want to seem needy). She told me she came back but didn't remember coming back. She also told me this guy came back with her, but he slept on the couch. Then she proceeded to tell me she had visions of coming back but doesn't remember. LONG story short, a month later it still is bothering me, and I find the text messages of her asking the guy if they did anything and if she needed birth control. He said they made out, wasn't sure that she needed it, and said get it if you want to feel safe. I texted the guy through her phone asking if he was sure (cause at that point I didn't give a crap) and he was like " I don't think we did because I had to go to work the next morning". I then confronted her and she apologized repeatedly. The next week I acted as though everything was fine, but I wanted to bring it up again. She told me "Either break up with me or get over it". That hurt a lot and I didn't mention it again. I forgave her for what happened, but not for what she said the next week.


  • #2
    To get an idea of the state of our relationship, I came down every week or every other week to see her and spend the weekend with her (we don't live that far away from each other). So fast forward to the last three months. She wanted to see me during finals week, and I came down despite the work I had. She started acting more controlling then usual and I was still a little pissed she wanted me down then. Anyway, later that week I go home. Still having finals to finish, I write them up at home. As soon as I finish and submit these finals by the teacher's deadline, I'm told by Sally (as well as her mother) that her mother needs help with chipping and painting her house. I agree, and I help with chipping for the next week. Sally comes home for the weekend. I'm helping her mother with work and exhausted by the end of the day. One day, she hangs around me while I work and by the end of the day I tell her I want to go home to get some rest. She gets angry and upset (she also can't come over because her mother wants her to do stuff). I hang out the next day. I then must leave early to go to a dinner with my dad and my grandparents (My dad has cancer and is getting treatments, and this was one of the days he got a treatment). I went to dinner and she was a little upset. She goes back to her apartment for 4 days, then comes back home. I work and hang out with her one day. The next day, her grandfather is having his 90th birthday party, and I just finished working at her parents. My mother was in a bad mood and was pissed off at me for never spending any time with her or my dad. I told Sally that I couldn't go because I had to spend time with my family. She was extremely pissed off and upset. The next day I hung out with her, she was still mad. Once again, I had to go to Ocean City. I apologized to her and kept apologizing over the phone, before and during Ocean City. During this time, her Ex started talking to her, and was saying "you need to figure this out now or it'll become a problem later." (Not that I don't agree but my gf is very suggestible) She started messaging me messages like "Do I have to put up with this for the rest of my life." I tried to calmly talk to her and explain my reasoning. She wouldn't listen at all to my side despite me apologizing profusely. Her last words were something to akin to "I guess I can't make you understand you were completely wrong". She barely talked to be for two day and I started to get worried/suspicious. I logged in to her Snapchat (we have all of each other's passwords), and I saw him talking dirty to her. He was also messaging her things like when we go to the Ritz, I'll...(CENSORED)". There was also stuff earlier in the message that I can't quite remember but it looked like she said "On my way?" She also sent a picture of herself with no pant and just a shirt (her shirt was covering her privates), and her being flirty. He then sent videos of himself jerking off, two days in a row. She responded with a "I think you came more yesterday Now, I thought they slept together, but I was wrong. It really did seem like it, but I was wrong. Still, what she did was bad. I took screenshots of the convo, and then I called her if we could talk (she didn't know). She said she was busy. Later that day, she rushed down with her sis to my house and knocked on my door. She was turned away. She kept calling me and texting me and I was like "jeez give me some space." She said she was so sorry and she told me I didn't deserve that. She also told me that she wanted to get me back without hurting me. I didn't break up that day. She visited me two days later and we talked (a lot of crying), and I couldn't do it because I still loved her. She went back to her apartment all worried and kept going off the deep end. 3 days later she finally texted me "I wish you should of just broken up with me. So I wouldn't have to worry... (a lot of other things)". I finally did breakup with her, and she was like "was this me" and "I thought you were going to work on forgiving me." We promised that we would stay best friends for life.

    So for two weeks, I didn't see her. In that time, she made out with two people which I found out when we saw each other (reference point). I was completely and utterly fine with that BECAUSE we broke up. She wanted me back though. We hung out alot that weekend, and she asked me if this could just be a break. I said "Yeah, of course," and we set rules for the break. During this point, I told her multiple times that she could go date people, but she refused to do that on the impression that it would hurt me." I personally set the rule that we couldn't hook up with people, but we could meet new people and hang out with people. She agreed to those terms. Even after this, I gave her the option multiple times that she could go date people, and every time, she refused. Not too long later, I find out that this guy took her hiking and she went skinny dipping with him. I was eh about it but I didn't show it. I was going to take her back around the time we met up again BUT she started texting the dude she was talking dirty with in front of me. That infuriated me. She goes back to her apartment and she goes partying with people for day, and most likely has a couple of dates? (idk what they sound like) Her therapist told her that I can't control who she talks too. Her therapist is completely right, but I wasn't trying to control her. I told her if she really respected me at all, she wouldn't still be texting him after the breakup (the person who also hurt the one she loved and caused the chaos). I told her she shouldn't be with me if she didn't respect me. Recently she came back home. We hung out a couple of times and I was going to take her back BUT I found out that she had sex with the guy she went skinny dipping with. NOW that hurt a lot. We agreed and talked not too long before this and she was like no I won't sleep with anyone else (I gave her the option to date then too). Since I found out, I haven't brought it up. I've asked her before if anything happened, and she firmly denied that nothing happened. I went to my therapist before I found out, and even she thought the skinny dipping with the guy thing was suspicious. We were talking and cuddling, and I told her that, and she again firmly denied anything happened. I know and haven't done anything or even mentioned it.

    We've been on break for a month and a half to two and I can't wait any longer. I was going to take her back, and I've been acting like I was BUT then I found out. I didn't mention it to her because I didn't want to unnecessarily ruin this relationship because of my anger. I tried to rationalize it like this. I know we were on a break and we promised each other we wouldn't date or hookup with other people, but really who am I to control her outside of this relationship. She was probably feeling sad, lonely, and depressed and wanted to try anything that would make her feel better. ON the other hand, she completely disrespected me again and it feels like another betrayal. Please, I need some help or guidance on this issue. I love her, and she loves me, but I'm distressed. Idk what to do. I want to take her back so badly, but she disrespected and betrayed me. People are telling me I should break up and that I need to break up. But, I don't know, I love her despite all of this and I really want to take her back. I'm still angry at her though.

    Please, I need some help or guidance on this problem. I don't know what to do.If you could, give me your reactions or thoughts on this issue.

    thank you!

    Comment


    • #3
      Geezus dude, that's toooooooo much information. The bottomline here is that your girlfriend or ex girlfriend is a skank and you should just stop all contact with her instead of playing like you don't care that she's skanking herself out. There are better women out there then her. Just stop playing this game of "on a break with her" and dump her. Its what you need to do.
      Last edited by phasesofthemoon; August 3rd, 2018, 09:54 PM.
      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

      Comment


      • #4
        I think you're weak and vulnerable and your self worth is probably in an underground bunker under another underground bunker. She's not interested in you. Continue seeing your therapist and stop being an idiot wasting those sessions. Start making some real changes in your life and hanging out with better people.

        Comment


        • #5
          Jeeez guys, you really don't hold back xD and phasesofthemoon, I realized after posting it xD was in a crisis mode. Yeah I don't know why I'm pretending like I don't care that she is. I guess I just think I won't find another girl like her. Like regardless of what she did, she still stayed faithful to me last year. She also stayed faithful to me when I went to college while she was still in highschool as well as the second year. And yeah I never believed in breaks, but she asked and Idk I felt like needed it and we could work it out.

          Comment


          • #6
            Oh and Rose rofl you hit it write on the dot. The weak, vulnerable, and my low self worth. But as for the she's not interested? I'm not sure. She's come back a week to every two weeks to see me. And every time she's told me she loves me and wants me back. She keeps telling me she doesn't want to date anymore. And frankly I guess I really don't want too. There are girls that would do alot worse and wouldn't bat an eye. I know she cares and loves me but idek. But yeah I agree with your last statement. I need to make some real changes in my life (just in general) cause my self worth and self-esteem are shit.

            Comment


            • #7
              Someone who checks in and checks out is NOT into you. You're flopping around like a very messy flat tire on a highway and everyone is swerving around you, trying not to hit your giant mess. No one is going to respect you in a relationship, honestly, if you can't respect yourself and put your foot down. You are a mess. It doesn't mean being mean or antagonizing those around you or lashing out in bitterness. But it does mean facing it and being strong enough to know when something or someone isn't good for you. You do NOT have to please everyone. And you owe this person nothing.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by jjman123 View Post
                Jeeez guys, you really don't hold back xD and phasesofthemoon, I realized after posting it xD was in a crisis mode. Yeah I don't know why I'm pretending like I don't care that she is. I guess I just think I won't find another girl like her. Like regardless of what she did, she still stayed faithful to me last year. She also stayed faithful to me when I went to college while she was still in highschool as well as the second year. And yeah I never believed in breaks, but she asked and Idk I felt like needed it and we could work it out.
                Please wake up: You promised one another that you would not date others or hook up with others but what did she do?

                Up to you if you want to stick around but don't be surprised when you find yourself with herpes from all the side lovers she's boinked or gutted when she leaves you for one of them. Those are all things that could happen when you turn a blind eye to the red flags she's a flying and always has.

                She lied to you. She has trouble being honest because she wants to fuck others but doesn't want you to be able to... hence why she didn't just say: I want to experience other men and relationships so it's not a good time for me to be committed to anyone. You would have likely found your way back to one another if she didn't have a need to betray. How will you ever trust her again?
                Last edited by phasesofthemoon; August 8th, 2018, 04:15 PM.
                "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                Comment

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