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I love him... but should I leave?

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  • I love him... but should I leave?

    I really need another personís perspective on this situation.

    Thereís this guy, letís call him James.

    James and I have been seeing each other for about 4 months. It hasnít been very long, but we connected almost instantly when we met and have spoken everyday since.

    I got to know a lot about him, his love for certain things including his family (How religion is a huge part of his life and that his dad is a pastor, etc.)

    If he had a problem, he could vent to me and vice versa.

    We have great conversation and lots in common (For example: Weíre both graphic designers and musicians).

    Though we initially started a mental, emotionally, friendly type of bond, it turned into flirtation which led to a psychical relationship.

    The sex was mind blowing and let me know that not only did we have chemistry mentally, we also had it in the physical department as well. (Which was great to know.)

    After we had sex, he remained the same. We still spoke everyday and he opened up to me a bit more. In the past, we spoke about how his previous relationships ended or things he went through with women. He admitted that they left him scarred and afraid of commitment or getting too close. At first, this wasnít a huge issue because I felt similarly and thought that if it was meant to be, we would let our guards down and let love in.

    Fast forward to now, my feelings have grown. He is such a great man, he treats me well and respects me. Takes me out, opens doors for me, etc. It is difficult not to want to explore a relationship together.

    He knows how I feel and tells me that he wants me too, but that he is still uncertain about certain factors such as our age difference (heís 39 and Iím 25) and wants to get to know me better, but Iím worried that this will go on for more months and Iíll be here acting like a girlfriend and not actually being one. The last woman he dated was his ďdating partnerĒ for a year and they still didnít get together. Iím afraid of being disappointed.

    At his age, I wouldíve thought heíd be married by now or at least interested in settling down, he says that he wants everything I do, but he wants to make sure itís right. Mainly, because he doesnít want to disappoint himself or his family. First of all, heís not even supposed to be having premarital sex and hadnít been for a year before meeting me.

    So yeah... thatís the backstory.

    The day before yesterday, we were having a texting convo via WhatsApp. I decided to ask him straight up without sugar coating, if he wants to be with me for real and his response was,

    ďThere is a part of me that wants to be with you. But admittedly, some moments are fine and other moments I'm not as confident.Ē

    When I read that, something flared up within me. I felt upset... some moments are FINE? Just fine? Iím giving my all and itís just fine. I was appalled and honestly hurt. Heís always said he wouldnít hurt me after everything Iíve been through. That statement really cut me deeply, especially since Iíve been putting so much effort to prove I was loyal and could be a great girlfriend.

    So I asked him what makes him feel less confident and this was his response,

    ďsigh I can't say exactly why it's this way. I don't mean to make you feel the way you do. Iím just being honest.Ē

    So I responded by saying,

    ďI want to continue this and build something real and to be there for you but I wonít lie... reading stuff like this and facing the reality of how differently we see this situation... really hurts.Ē

    He said he understood and that he wishes he knew how to help himself or deal with his deep-seated issues that are preventing him from moving forward... that he has had this problem in the past, but he wanted it to be different with me. He reassured me that Iím not doing anything wrong and not to think that way.

    At this point, I felt myself shut down.

    Weí have had conversations in which I expressed my concerns before. With things like him not being affectionate unless weíre in bed, caring too much about his familyís opinion or other simple things, but for some reason I felt them all add up and I wanted to cry.

    I fell in love with him, I want so badly to be together but he just doesnít seem capable and I donít wanna continue to hurt myself trying to heal him.

    So I never responded to his last message...

    I felt I needed to think and that ended up turning into a day of him messaging and calling and me not responding. (4 messages, 3 missed calls.)

    It wasnít intentional but I just didnít know what to say anymore. I feel bad for making him worried. My emotions are raw and drained all at once. Also, my brother just died a week ago. This is far too much and Iím tired of feeling like Iím begging for a relationship.

    So my questions are...

    Should I respond? What should I say?

    What is the best thing to do in this situation?

    Should I stay or go?

    Thanks for your time.

    I donít have friends I feel comfortable with asking for advice.
    Last edited by PrettyReckless93; August 3rd, 2018, 11:14 AM.

  • #2
    You need to respect his honesty and not make this into a huge drama. You are far more into him than he is into you. That's the reality. If you keep playing the victim and putting guilt trips on him, you're just going to drive him further away from you.

    If after 4 months you feel that he should be utterly committed to you...and he isn't....then you have to decide whether or not you want to wait for him to develop deeper feelings or just end it now. But he hasn't done anything wrong. He is simply being honest that although he cares about you a great deal, he simply doesn't feel a deep attachment right now.

    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


    • #3
      You never just drop off the map and shut someone out. That's rude and it certainly isn't going to help him feel closer to you. If you need some time alone, you tell him you need some time alone.

      You've only been dating four months. I'm not sure what you're looking for. I assume you're not expecting to be engaged, but it's reasonable to ask for an exclusive relationship and some kind of label. If "dating partner" isn't good enough, then say so.

      The fact that he's so reluctant to even say you're in a relationship and call you his girlfriend along with the fact that he's never been married at the age of 39 suggests he's got some commitment issues.

      It should also concern you that he's dating women (you) who are so significantly younger than himself. It suggests a possible lack of maturity and inability to connect with women of similar life experience. That doesn't mean it can't work, but it's a red flag.

      Right now you're grieving the loss of your brother. Take some time and don't make any huge decisions until you're feeling stronger.

      Good luck


      • #4
        Simply: He's playing you but you must see that he's being honest with you. Contact him back and tell him: "Clearly we are not on the same page which makes me sad because I'm going to have to stop seeing you so that I can heal and find someone who finds me more then "fine in only some ways."
        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!