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My girlfriend stares and flirts with other men all the time!

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  • #16
    Just an update on this. We had a long talk about these issues. She also brought to my attention some things that she didn't like that I was doing; Mainly going out with my friends too often. I understood where she was coming from because I do tend to spend a lot of time with a couple of my close friends and sometimes it can be a bit selfish.

    She said she has always had an issue with staring and she realizes it's a problem. She said if I were to do something like that, she'd be upset too. She's going to work on it and try to figure out why she does it. She thinks it might come from self esteem issues and wants to go to therapy. She had a pretty rough childhood. I told her that I appreciate her and her honesty. I told her that checking out other people is something we all do, it's just a problem for me when it comes to staring and eventually a guy approaching her because he feels like she's interested. I said it has nothing to do with thoughts of her cheating (I honestly couldn't see her doing that) it comes down to respecting the person you are with.

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    • #17
      I still can’t quite figure out whether she is really staring or just a naturally flirtatious person.

      But let’s assume you are right.
      She said past bfs had the same issue, again assuming they were right too.
      She still has not changed her behaviour after I assume several failed relationships for the same reason. Obviously they discussed it with her as have you now and previously.
      Saying she will go to therapy is all well and good but has she booked an appointment?
      It just takes a phone call to her GP and a referral. Then book it.

      But perhaps she stares and gains attention from other men for a variety of reasons. Low self esteem, attention seeking , unhappy in her current relationship etc

      Lets assume she stops the staring in your presence. Easiest solution for her to get you off her case.
      Are you going to be confident that she’s not doing it in your absence?
      How confident are you in her ability to change?

      Generally, whatever her issues are , should be ironed out and dealt with before entering a relationship. To give any potential relationship half a chance .
      Perhaps she is entering relationships with people just to boost her self esteem and when it’s boosted starts her wandering eye?

      As for meeting her kid after a mere 16 weeks, yes it was too soon no matter how hard you try to convince us it wasn’t.
      The proof is written in your thread. Issues 7 months in and still well within the honeymoon period.
      You still have not established a relationship with good boundaries and now it’s got the added complication of a child involved.
      Why on earth would you add that pressure to someone you are dating?

      And now she has turned things around on you.
      She is not happy how much time you spend with friends and suddenly your issue with her is negated.

      Well tell her to suck it up buttercup.
      You are not a father , she is a mother. You have different free times and if she can’t go out as often as much as she’d like and as much as you do , she needs to get her priorities straight.
      I’m guessing she thought by introducing you to her kid , there would be no reason for you to go out with your mates as you can hang out with her and the kid?

      Can you see now that introducing you to the kid was a bit bizarre so early on?
      How old is the kid and how many guys has she introduced him to?

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      • #18
        Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post
        I still can’t quite figure out whether she is really staring or just a naturally flirtatious person.

        But let’s assume you are right.
        She said past bfs had the same issue, again assuming they were right too.
        She still has not changed her behaviour after I assume several failed relationships for the same reason. Obviously they discussed it with her as have you now and previously.
        Saying she will go to therapy is all well and good but has she booked an appointment?
        It just takes a phone call to her GP and a referral. Then book it.

        But perhaps she stares and gains attention from other men for a variety of reasons. Low self esteem, attention seeking , unhappy in her current relationship etc

        Lets assume she stops the staring in your presence. Easiest solution for her to get you off her case.
        Are you going to be confident that she’s not doing it in your absence?
        How confident are you in her ability to change?

        Generally, whatever her issues are , should be ironed out and dealt with before entering a relationship. To give any potential relationship half a chance .
        Perhaps she is entering relationships with people just to boost her self esteem and when it’s boosted starts her wandering eye?

        As for meeting her kid after a mere 16 weeks, yes it was too soon no matter how hard you try to convince us it wasn’t.
        The proof is written in your thread. Issues 7 months in and still well within the honeymoon period.
        You still have not established a relationship with good boundaries and now it’s got the added complication of a child involved.
        Why on earth would you add that pressure to someone you are dating?

        And now she has turned things around on you.
        She is not happy how much time you spend with friends and suddenly your issue with her is negated.

        Well tell her to suck it up buttercup.
        You are not a father , she is a mother. You have different free times and if she can’t go out as often as much as she’d like and as much as you do , she needs to get her priorities straight.
        I’m guessing she thought by introducing you to her kid , there would be no reason for you to go out with your mates as you can hang out with her and the kid?

        Can you see now that introducing you to the kid was a bit bizarre so early on?
        How old is the kid and how many guys has she introduced him to?
        Maggie, she is going to her first session on Thursday. This is a huge step and to be quite honest, I do not have any expectations. I am happy for her and will support her whether we are together or not.

        Furthermore I am not trying to convince anybody of anything. My opinion differs from your opinion. While respect your opinions, I do not agree with them. Especially the part where you assume her introducing me to her child was a plot so that I couldn't hang out with my friends. The fact is, I have been hanging out with my friends about 2-3 nights a week for the last month or so and I agree with her that is a bit selfish for a serious relationship. My friends also happen to be single, so I can understand where she's coming from. Relationships are about compromise sometimes and I'm willing to give this another whirl. What I find funny is how many people just throw there hands up and quit on somebody they supposedly love. Perhaps that's why the divorce rate is so damn high.

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        • #19
          Perhaps that's why the divorce rate is so damn high.
          No, the divorce rate is so high because people stay with people that don't have the same romantic relationship boundaries with and instead of dating them when they have graduated therapy and have actually changed, they stay and hope until they can't hope anymore and are fed up... but they've already married at that point.
          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

          Comment


          • #20
            Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
            No, the divorce rate is so high because people stay with people that don't have the same romantic relationship boundaries with and instead of dating them when they have graduated therapy and have actually changed, they stay and hope until they can't hope anymore and are fed up... but they've already married at that point.
            Not true and research proves it. Most divorces are a result of poor communication because one partner or both mentally give up. There are many factors but the most prominent is consistently arguing about the same thing without ever actually fixing the problem. After a while, one or both partners give up and divorce ensues. Goes back to my original point; it's easier to give up but with that mentality, do not get into a romantic relationship because they take a lot of time and EFFORT.
            Last edited by Jack0723; August 7th, 2018, 10:29 AM.

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            • #21
              Originally posted by Jack0723 View Post

              Not true and research proves it. Most divorces are a result of poor communication because one partner or both mentally give up. There are many factors but the most prominent is consistently arguing about the same thing without ever actually fixing the problem. After a while, one or both partners give up and divorce ensues. Goes back to my original point; it's easier to give up but with that mentality, do not get into a romantic relationship because they take a lot of time and EFFORT.
              Those statistics apply to several years into a marriage not to a relationship still within the honeymoon period .

              Comment


              • #22
                Originally posted by Jack0723 View Post

                Not true and research proves it. Most divorces are a result of poor communication because one partner or both mentally give up. There are many factors but the most prominent is consistently arguing about the same thing without ever actually fixing the problem. After a while, one or both partners give up and divorce ensues. Goes back to my original point; it's easier to give up but with that mentality, do not get into a romantic relationship because they take a lot of time and EFFORT.
                *laughing here* I've been happily married for 40+ years. Believe me, we didn't have an issue of non-compatible relationship boundaries. Neither of us needed to fix the other before we tied the knot.
                Last edited by phasesofthemoon; August 7th, 2018, 09:39 PM.
                "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                Comment


                • #23
                  Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post

                  *laughing here* I've been happily married for 40+ years. Believe me, we didn't have an issue of non-compatible relationship boundaries. Neither of us needed to fix the other before we tied the knot.
                  Not sure why you're *laughing here*. Perhaps you need to work on that fragile ego before trying to offer advice.

                  If you really have been married for 40+ years, congrats. But to be completely honest with you, I don't care how long you have been married because it doesn't matter. At all. People work out problems that are far worst than the one I'm experiencing. I have a friend who has been married for 18 years. He had a drinking problem before they got married, to the point that he made very bad decisions. She helped him work on it and they got through it together. 18 years of marriage with 2 children. Imo, that's a much worst problem than the one I am having. But that still isn't the point. You made a statement on the reason why the majority of people get divorced with no evidence that supports that statement. Which means you made it up to try and prove your point. All because proving your point is more important than statistical evidence. There goes that ego again.

                  Again, I'm going to be by her side whether we are in a relationship or not. There are no expectations for me at this point. Case closed.

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post

                    Those statistics apply to several years into a marriage not to a relationship still within the honeymoon period .
                    Are you paying attention? The argument was regarding the reasons why people get divorced, not a relationship still within the honeymoon period.

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      Originally posted by Jack0723 View Post

                      Not sure why you're *laughing here*. Perhaps you need to work on that fragile ego before trying to offer advice.

                      If you really have been married for 40+ years, congrats. But to be completely honest with you, I don't care how long you have been married because it doesn't matter. At all. People work out problems that are far worst than the one I'm experiencing. I have a friend who has been married for 18 years. He had a drinking problem before they got married, to the point that he made very bad decisions. She helped him work on it and they got through it together. 18 years of marriage with 2 children. Imo, that's a much worst problem than the one I am having. But that still isn't the point. You made a statement on the reason why the majority of people get divorced with no evidence that supports that statement. Which means you made it up to try and prove your point. All because proving your point is more important than statistical evidence. There goes that ego again.

                      Again, I'm going to be by her side whether we are in a relationship or not. There are no expectations for me at this point. Case closed.
                      Where is your "statistical evidence?" I missed the link, could you post it again, please.

                      The "case" was closed before you even started posting but for some reason, you came here to get validation on your decision. Whatever... good luck going forth. I have a feeling you're going to need it with her ways and your insecurity about it.
                      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Originally posted by Jack0723 View Post

                        Are you paying attention? The argument was regarding the reasons why people get divorced, not a relationship still within the honeymoon period.
                        Exactly! Your “statistics” (I’d also like to see the link) is based on long term marriages resulting in divorce over issues that arose well after the honeymoon period and well after divorce.
                        When incompatibily arises within the honeymoon period , you can opt out easily , prior to any commitment to someone who is just not right for you no matter how much you like them.

                        You are choosing to stay based on your “statistics” which are irrelevant in this instance.

                        You are “going to be by her side “ whether you are in a relationship or not????
                        Well that’s the most foolish thing you have said and a red flag against you if she saw it.

                        From your initial post I doubted that this issue was hers and more your insecurity.
                        And that sentence highlights it. You sound controlling because there is no other reason a guy would stick by an exes side to get help for “flirting” with other guys. That’s just dumb.

                        Perhaps you should book an appointment with a counsellor to gain some insight as to why you are insecure and as to why you won’t let go of an ex.

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post

                          Exactly! Your “statistics” (I’d also like to see the link) is based on long term marriages resulting in divorce over issues that arose well after the honeymoon period and well after divorce.
                          When incompatibily arises within the honeymoon period , you can opt out easily , prior to any commitment to someone who is just not right for you no matter how much you like them.

                          You are choosing to stay based on your “statistics” which are irrelevant in this instance.

                          You are “going to be by her side “ whether you are in a relationship or not????
                          Well that’s the most foolish thing you have said and a red flag against you if she saw it.

                          From your initial post I doubted that this issue was hers and more your insecurity.
                          And that sentence highlights it. You sound controlling because there is no other reason a guy would stick by an exes side to get help for “flirting” with other guys. That’s just dumb.

                          Perhaps you should book an appointment with a counsellor to gain some insight as to why you are insecure and as to why you won’t let go of an ex.
                          There's this thing called Google. Use it like I did. Don't be lazy. That goes for phasesofthemoon too. There were 2 extensive studies done on this.

                          Yes I'm going to stick by her side whether in a relationship or not. That means I will remain friends with her and support her if not romantically involved with her. I don't understand what's so foolish to you about that but by reading some of your posts here, and on other threads, I can tell you're not exactly the brightest bulb in the pack.

                          I'm insecure and sound controlling by working through an issue my gf admits to have and has had trouble in the past with? Furthermore, I'll break it down again and hopefully you'll get it this time, but I doubt it. It has nothing to do with insecurity. If that were the case, I wouldn't trust her and I'd fear that she would cheat on me. It's a respect issue. I don't know any man or woman that would disagree with this behaviour as being disrespectful. Again, not exactly the brightest bulb in the pack.

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                          • #28
                            Hey Jack - what's with the going out with your friends too often issue that you talked about? Do you think that's latent resentment coming from her and failed expectations in the relationship?

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                            • #29
                              Originally posted by Jack0723 View Post

                              There's this thing called Google. Use it like I did. Don't be lazy. That goes for phasesofthemoon too. There were 2 extensive studies done on this.

                              Yes I'm going to stick by her side whether in a relationship or not. That means I will remain friends with her and support her if not romantically involved with her. I don't understand what's so foolish to you about that but by reading some of your posts here, and on other threads, I can tell you're not exactly the brightest bulb in the pack.

                              I'm insecure and sound controlling by working through an issue my gf admits to have and has had trouble in the past with? Furthermore, I'll break it down again and hopefully you'll get it this time, but I doubt it. It has nothing to do with insecurity. If that were the case, I wouldn't trust her and I'd fear that she would cheat on me. It's a respect issue. I don't know any man or woman that would disagree with this behaviour as being disrespectful. Again, not exactly the brightest bulb in the pack.
                              Well Jack that certainly gave me a giggle, thank you!
                              As a Scientist, I am more than capable of doing research , data interpretation etc
                              Not to mention the ability to know what research was conducted thoroughly or not and whether it is applicable or not.

                              So , rather than base your theory on apparently two of thousands of studies , send me the links? How is one meant to know what study you are talking about and who is behind the said study? I’m too busy to go looking for your needle in a haystack.

                              You already have the possibility in your own head that you might split up with this girl by stating you will stand by her “therapy” either way. Let’s say that happens, you are single , helping an ex out, which of course will put your dating life in stand by , until your ex is “cured” and ready to date a new guy. At which point she won’t need your friendship and her new guy won’t want her hanging around you.
                              Perhaps it’s the scientist in me that does not see any logic or reason to that.

                              You created your thread from a pessimistic viewpoint by posting it in the sub forum “down in the dumps” rather than “the long haul” , which suggests to me that your reasoning is emotional over logical.
                              And that’s what happens within the honeymoon period.

                              But by all means go forth with your plan and keep us updated.

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