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My girlfriend stares and flirts with other men all the time!

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  • My girlfriend stares and flirts with other men all the time!

    I am currently in a 7 month relationship and need some sound advice. My girlfriend constantly stares at other guys in front of me and now I got to see it when she didn't know I was watching. Last night when I was on the balcony of my apartment, I watched her staring at a guy that was on his phone standing about 10 feet from her. She was acting like she was getting things out of her car but kept staring at him. As she started walking up the sidewalk to the apartment, she looked back twice at him and when she turned back around, she had a smile on her face. When she came up to my apartment, I confronted her calmly. At first she used the same excuses she did when I confronted her twice in the past. "I wasn't staring" "I was just wondering who it was cuz I never saw him around here before" "Why would you worry, he's ugly" But this time I wasn't going to let it go because I'm at the point where I don't want to waste anymore time with her if she can't stop this. She finally admitted that she stares at other guys a lot but doesn't think it's harmful because she would never cheat. I told her how disrespectful it is and it would be different if she just checked out a guy with a glance like most of us all do from time to time, but to stare as long as the guy is around is really disrespectful and not something I can continue to deal with. She ended up being silent and went to bed. It's easy to say dump her right now, but the fact is that I love her and have gotten very close to her 2yr old son. She has recently told me that she wants to get married and have more kids with me. That she can't imagine a life without me. I do love her, but can't get over this.

    She also told me that 2 of her past long term exes were always accusing her of cheating and flirting with other guys because they were insecure. I now realize, they probably weren't insecure, rather just sick of being disrespected. I don't understand why she continues to do this, but maybe it's not for me to understand. Just for reference, she's 29 and I'm 36. Any advice would be appreciated.
    Last edited by Jack0723; August 3rd, 2018, 08:20 AM.

  • #2
    Unfortunately for your gf, she has a habit of choosing insecure men.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by Jack0723 View Post
      .....I..... and have gotten very close to her 2yr old son. ......
      Obviously you don't trust her and don't feel respected by her. So unless you see a change in behavior immediately that changes your opinion, the relationship is going to end.

      In the future, stay the F**K away from your dates' kids. They don't need the drama of their parents' love lives and getting attached to people who have a good chance of leaving them. And be cautious of women who try to introduce you to their kids and encourage a relationship before you even know the mother. It's irresponsible parenting and it doesn't bode well for their ability to be a good partner.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post
        Unfortunately for your gf, she has a habit of choosing insecure men.
        Obviously you don't understand what a respectful relationship is if that is the only response you came up with. I'm pretty sure if you caught your significant other checking out the opposite sex and physically turning around to exchange smiles with them, you'd feel disrespected. If not, you're simply a fool.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post
          Unfortunately for your gf, she has a habit of choosing insecure men.
          I totally disagree and I suspect that if the OP was a woman whose boyfriend was ogling other women in front of her, the opinion would be different.

          Unfortunately for you OP you've chosen a woman that is too immature to even stop being overtly attracted to other men even after you've discussed her behaviour several times. I think you understand that appreciating the attractiveness of others is human nature but most of us have the grace not to disrespect our partners by ogling.

          By ogling like she does, she is giving the object of her desire the wrong impression and is in fact showing an openness to being pursued when not with you and disrespect of you when you are with her when she ogles.

          I'd talk to her once more about romantic relationship boundaries. Tell her outright what its like to discreetly appreciate the view if she see's someone hawt and to stop being so overt with her appreciation. If after that she is stupid about it again, then she's incapable of being discreet and you should leave her because you'll always feel disrespected by her actions and therefore angst ridden due to the incompatibility of romantic relationship boundaries.

          I'll add that I agree with Pollon with regards to getting children involved so early on in your dating. Not a good thing to be doing to said children should the short term relationship not gel.
          Last edited by phasesofthemoon; August 4th, 2018, 12:47 PM.
          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Pollon View Post

            Obviously you don't trust her and don't feel respected by her. So unless you see a change in behavior immediately that changes your opinion, the relationship is going to end.

            In the future, stay the F**K away from your dates' kids. They don't need the drama of their parents' love lives and getting attached to people who have a good chance of leaving them. And be cautious of women who try to introduce you to their kids and encourage a relationship before you even know the mother. It's irresponsible parenting and it doesn't bode well for their ability to be a good partner.
            I refused to meet her child until 4 months in. I respect your opinion on this, but I don't think it's a one size fits all kind of thing. We spent a lot of time together (more than most) before I met her son. I didn't want to take time away from her and her sons time together, so I finally agreed to meet him. I believe that it is up to the parent of the child to decide when the best time is to meet. I refused a couple times prior, but it got to the point that she felt it was kind of an issue if I kept refusing. We discussed how much time we'd all spend together but it was inevitable that we got close. I don't think you can put a specific time limit on these things. If so, what would that be? 6 months? 1 year? And then you break up after 2 years and by the same logic you say "you should of never been part of her childs life."

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            • #7
              Originally posted by Jack0723 View Post

              I refused to meet her child until 4 months in. I respect your opinion on this, but I don't think it's a one size fits all kind of thing. We spent a lot of time together (more than most) before I met her son. I didn't want to take time away from her and her sons time together, so I finally agreed to meet him. I believe that it is up to the parent of the child to decide when the best time is to meet. I refused a couple times prior, but it got to the point that she felt it was kind of an issue if I kept refusing. We discussed how much time we'd all spend together but it was inevitable that we got close. I don't think you can put a specific time limit on these things. If so, what would that be? 6 months? 1 year? And then you break up after 2 years and by the same logic you say "you should of never been part of her childs life."
              You were not married or intending to marry. You had issue with her conduct, you were uncertain about her lack of boundaries. All of those things are reason to not have met her child and you could have discussed the very good reasons why it was too soon at 4 months to be involved with her child. It was irresponsible for both of you, at four months only to be introduced. Her insisting is in itself a red flag about her common sense. At four months, for all she knows of you, you could be a pedophile or wife beater. (not saying you are but she didn't know that you were not at four months.) In future, if you date a chick with kids, keep that in mind (that red flag) if she's insisting you meet her kids that early in.
              "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post

                You were not married or intending to marry. You had issue with her conduct, you were uncertain about her lack of boundaries. All of those things are reason to not have met her child and you could have discussed the very good reasons why it was too soon at 4 months to be involved with her child. It was irresponsible for both of you, at four months only to be introduced. Her insisting is in itself a red flag about her common sense. At four months, for all she knows of you, you could be a pedophile or wife beater. (not saying you are but she didn't know that you were not at four months.) In future, if you date a chick with kids, keep that in mind (that red flag) if she's insisting you meet her kids that early in.
                I wasn't intending on marrying her? That's crazy. You don't meet your SO's child/children until you plan on marrying them!? You're entitled to your opinion but I disagree. I did not have reservations early on. The first time I asked about her about the staring was around the 4 month mark (can't remember if I already met her son), she said she didn't realize she was doing it and said that she had been told the same thing by others in the past and even one event where a woman asked her to stop looking at her boyfriend. She said she would work on it and we moved on. Up until the last month it wasn't an issue, then it started again. When you're in a relationship with someone you fall for, you don't plan on it not working out, otherwise what would the point be? But things happen in any relationship at anytime.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Jack0723 View Post

                  I wasn't intending on marrying her? That's crazy. You don't meet your SO's child/children until you plan on marrying them!?
                  I'm saying that you were not fully committed to her. Don't be obtuse.

                  You're entitled to your opinion but I disagree.
                  You disagree with your own understanding of what I was saying, not what I was actually saying. You were not fully committed as in ready to be married, in love with the person and not just in lust and infatuation... which at the four month mark would be (lust and infatuation that is). It's sad that too many people confuse those things with "love."

                  I did not have reservations early on. The first time I asked about her about the staring was around the 4 month mark (can't remember if I already met her son),
                  Point is, you had reservations eventually and had you waited to meet her son, those reservations would have reared their head to you prior to if you had waited until you were actually in love and you had ascertained if she was a compatible partner to you. You are discovering that she is NOT.

                  she said she didn't realize she was doing it and said that she had been told the same thing by others in the past and even one event where a woman asked her to stop looking at her boyfriend. She said she would work on it and we moved on.
                  Clearly, if others have told her about it, she has NOT done a damn thing to "work on it." After that conversation, and she did it again, you would have been wise to dump her then.

                  Up until the last month it wasn't an issue, then it started again. When you're in a relationship with someone you fall for, you don't plan on it not working out, otherwise what would the point be? But things happen in any relationship at anytime.
                  ... and THAT is a very good reason why you wait until you know someone better then four months to meet their children. Why meet children when you're still in the getting to know you stage? That's irresponsible.

                  "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
                    I'm saying that you were not fully committed to her. Don't be obtuse.

                    You disagree with your own understanding of what I was saying, not what I was actually saying. You were not fully committed as in ready to be married, in love with the person and not just in lust and infatuation... which at the four month mark would be (lust and infatuation that is). It's sad that too many people confuse those things with "love."

                    Point is, you had reservations eventually and had you waited to meet her son, those reservations would have reared their head to you prior to if you had waited until you were actually in love and you had ascertained if she was a compatible partner to you. You are discovering that she is NOT.

                    Clearly, if others have told her about it, she has NOT done a damn thing to "work on it." After that conversation, and she did it again, you would have been wise to dump her then.

                    ... and THAT is a very good reason why you wait until you know someone better then four months to meet their children. Why meet children when you're still in the getting to know you stage? That's irresponsible.
                    #1 Your word for word was "you were not married or intending to marry." That's what YOU said. That means your opinion on this issue is that you must be married or intend on marrying the person you are with before getting involved with their child/children. I disagree. No need to get defensive.

                    #2 It is your opinion ONLY on who falls in love when vrs whether it's infatuation or not. I couldn't be so ignorant to tell someone they are not in love after 4 months of a relationship. I have no idea what the dynamics are of other peoples relationships.

                    #3 People can have reservations at 3 months or 1 year. It doesn't really matter. Again, it is your opinion of when somebody should meet their SO's child/children. I disagree with the one size fits all approach. That's my opinion.

                    #4 Yes others had told her about it in the past. However, I do believe that people have the ability to change especially when they admit to a problem they have. We moved forward. That simple. By your logic, you should never discuss and try to fix issues with somebody you love or care about, just walk away everytime. Man! Nobody would ever have a relationship if that were the case. "WOULD of been wise to walk away" Easy to say that now, hindsights 50/50.

                    #5 See #2.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Jack0723 View Post

                      #1 Your word for word was "you were not married or intending to marry." That's what YOU said. That means your opinion on this issue is that you must be married or intend on marrying the person you are with before getting involved with their child/children. I disagree. No need to get defensive.
                      I'm not defensive and I've explained what that statement means but you don't seem to get it so I'll say it again. You two were not in a committed relationship at the four month mark. You were not serious enough or knew each other enough to be thinking of being married. You should be at least sure that the person is someone you would want to spend the rest of your life with and you cannot know that after only knowing her for 4 months. One should NEVER introduce a child to someone they are only dating and smack dab in the midst of the honeymoon stage. It's irresponsible and it's not in the child's best interests to have men/women coming in and out of their lives as a habit.

                      #2 It is your opinion ONLY on who falls in love when vrs whether it's infatuation or not. I couldn't be so ignorant to tell someone they are not in love after 4 months of a relationship. I have no idea what the dynamics are of other peoples relationships.
                      Oh for goodness sakes, its common sense that you are only infatuated until you actually get to know the other person warts and all. The honeymoon period is no time to make any type of life changing decisions as you've found out. Your relationship with her is on shaky ground because you don't trust her and you have way different romantic relationship boundaries. You can't love someone you don't even know.

                      #3 People can have reservations at 3 months or 1 year. It doesn't really matter. Again, it is your opinion of when somebody should meet their SO's child/children. I disagree with the one size fits all approach. That's my opinion.
                      Your opinion is putting the children of your pursuits in emotional danger. Your girlfriend is being irresponsible introducing stranger men to her child. Like I said, she doesn't know who someone is at 4 months. You could be a child molester for all she knows.

                      #4 Yes others had told her about it in the past. However, I do believe that people have the ability to change especially when they admit to a problem they have. We moved forward. That simple. By your logic, you should never discuss and try to fix issues with somebody you love or care about, just walk away everytime. Man! Nobody would ever have a relationship if that were the case.
                      That's where you're wrong. When you walk away from a relationship where there are non compatibility issues or issues of mistrust or abuse or whatever, then you are keeping yourself open to meet a good person who you do gel well with who you can trust and not have to try and fix. If you do that then there is a much better chance of the relationship lasting a life time. (been married 41 years myself)

                      "WOULD of been wise to walk away" Easy to say that now, hindsights 50/50.
                      Well, you've gotten to actually know her now and you are not copacetic with that so what are you going to do? The smart thing would be to leave her to her outrageous behaviour that she has a history of repeating... Unfortunately her little girl will wonder why you're no longer in her life and why the next guy is coming around... that is the problem with introducing your children to your dates too early on in the relationship.


                      Last edited by phasesofthemoon; August 4th, 2018, 05:49 PM.
                      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        She sounds off, man. Just back off for a bit and clear your head. Unless she has some lazy eye going on, diagnosed ADD or a medical issue, she shouldn't be paying anyone else attention when you're together. That's just dumb and rude. Don't we usually learn that sort of thing with our parents? You know, sit still and say thank you and please to aunty when going over to relatives' houses, pay attention during school and when someone's talking to you etc. This is a joke. Just take it easy and slow the relationship down if you're not sure. Rethink it for awhile and be cool. Good luck.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          [QUOTE=phasesofthemoon;n570557] I'm not defensive and I've explained what that statement means but you don't seem to get it so I'll say it again. You two were not in a committed relationship at the four month mark. You were not serious enough or knew each other enough to be thinking of being married. You should be at least sure that the person is someone you would want to spend the rest of your life with and you cannot know that after only knowing her for 4 months. One should NEVER introduce a child to someone they are only dating and smack dab in the midst of the honeymoon stage. It's irresponsible and it's not in the child's best interests to have men/women coming in and out of their lives as a habit.

                          Oh for goodness sakes, its common sense that you are only infatuated until you actually get to know the other person warts and all. The honeymoon period is no time to make any type of life changing decisions as you've found out. Your relationship with her is on shaky ground because you don't trust her and you have way different romantic relationship boundaries. You can't love someone you don't even know.

                          Your opinion is putting the children of your pursuits in emotional danger. Your girlfriend is being irresponsible introducing stranger men to her child. Like I said, she doesn't know who someone is at 4 months. You could be a child molester for all she knows.

                          That's where you're wrong. When you walk away from a relationship where there are non compatibility issues or issues of mistrust or abuse or whatever, then you are keeping yourself open to meet a good person who you do gel well with who you can trust and not have to try and fix. If you do that then there is a much better chance of the relationship lasting a life time. (been married 41 years myself)

                          Well, you've gotten to actually know her now and you are not copacetic with that so what are you going to do? The smart thing would be to leave her to her outrageous behaviour that she has a history of repeating... Unfortunately her little girl will wonder why you're no longer in her life and why the next guy is coming around... that is the


                          Thank you for taking the time to share your views.
                          Last edited by Jack0723; August 5th, 2018, 02:37 AM.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Hi Jack - Have you had trust issues in previous relationships, suspecting that the girl might betray or leave you - or is this the first time?

                            "She finally admitted that she stares at other guys a lot but doesn't think it's harmful because she would never cheat."

                            ^ Did she actually admit to this? Or was it more like she had enough of arguing with you about this issue again and she just wanted the argument to end?

                            I think there needs to be more trust for a relationship to work long term. If she says she would never cheat on you and she loves you... is it really worth throwing it away because of these insecurities, and situations that may well be at least 50% exaggerated by you?

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Nina_rf View Post
                              Hi Jack - Have you had trust issues in previous relationships, suspecting that the girl might betray or leave you - or is this the first time?

                              "She finally admitted that she stares at other guys a lot but doesn't think it's harmful because she would never cheat."

                              ^ Did she actually admit to this? Or was it more like she had enough of arguing with you about this issue again and she just wanted the argument to end?

                              I think there needs to be more trust for a relationship to work long term. If she says she would never cheat on you and she loves you... is it really worth throwing it away because of these insecurities, and situations that may well be at least 50% exaggerated by you?
                              The only trust issues I had in a relationship was with a girl I dated when I was 21. She would lie when it wasn't necessary to lie. I've been in 2 long term relationships (3 & 5 years) and never had reasons to not trust them. I'm sure they checked out other guys, but I have never experienced something like this before.

                              I say she finally admitted, because there's always excuses or denying it at first. When she did admit to it, she admitted that she knows it's an issue but would never cheat. It's not about cheating to me, it's about respecting the person you are with. Why would you give somebody the vibe that you're interested in them and even open to be approached with your SO next to you and even your SO isn't with you. Why be in a relationship?

                              Last, I'd like to ask you a simple question. Just a yes or no would be sufficient. You are in a committed relationship with your boyfriend. He stares and exchanges smiles with women every time you go out with him. Some women actually approach him and flirt with him. Would this be a problem for you?

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