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Relationship Advice

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  • Relationship Advice

    Hello Can you give me some advice?

    I have been with my Girlfriend for 8 and a half years, and I have just moved in with her. We found out that she is pregnant sometime back, so we decided to move in together to give the baby the best chance in life.

    We have been engaged for over a year, so moving out with a baby seemed the right idea.

    Even though we have been together for 8 years, it would only be 5 because midway through our relationship we developed problems and we split. She found another guy after and I wasnít looking for anyone but kept in touch with her. After a year with they split up, she told me that her new boyfriend said ďhe couldnít compete with me, she loved me not himĒ. We got back together and tried again.

    Although this isnít the first time that she has been with another guy, in these past 8 years she has cheated numerous times. Every time she pleads with me to forgive and forget but I always thought about ending it, I give her the benefit of the doubt and put my trust in her again because I hope she changes.

    The other night she told me that the baby may not be mine as she had a one-night stand with her Ex, she said if the baby comes out mixed then its mine, If it comes out black then she will need a DNA test. This had really upset me, she pleaded me to stay which I did. She asked me later if the baby is not mine would I be able to stay and take care, for the sake of avoiding another argument I said yes.

    The problem is that she has always had a short fuse, and things would make her angry very easily. Even in the past she would lose her temper with me and sulk if I done things that she didnít like, but to me they seemed harmless. I always worry what to say to her as she flies of the handle and cries, as she takes them wrong. As she is from Ghana, there is a culture difference but neither of us saw that as a problem and I have always accepted her and her families culture and participated in events. So I do understand that she may not fully grasp how I say things, but sometimes it seems like our arguments are petty.

    I have always been close to my family, but she says that I am too close. There was a problem between my Sister and her falling out because my partner cheated on me. From Then my family was never to keen on her, so in the end I covered up the other times she cheated on me. Now that I moved out I still keep in touch my family, I make calls to them about 3 times a day but she moans that I shouldnít ring my family and tell them my life (what I have been doing etc).

    She has never liked me drinking, I am a sensible drinker with more nights off the beer than on. She says that I am an alcoholic and I have a beer belly. I am 6f in height and weight around 11.5 stone, I know that I am slightly big for my height but no immediate problem. When I drink she moans at me, saying I told you to give this up and then she starts crying. She stormed out the supermarket because I placed a box of carling in my trolley when shopping. We talk and she says I donít listen to her or have her interests at heart. Her father passed away due to drink and she says she donít want me to end up like him, I tell her that once I have enough I stop.

    I have longish hair which I get trimmed around 3-4 months, does not like my hair and has spent years trying to cut it. She tells me that I look like a homeless person and that she sometimes is ashamed of walking with me. She says that she looks fabulous and thereís me looks like a scarecrow.

    As I am the only one working, I pay the bills and shopping. I am fine with this but then she wants to go out with friends she asks me to fund her day out. If I say no then she will say youíre not caring for your baby as she needs to eat too. So, to avoid an argument I fund her.

    I feel like I canít win with her, whatever I do itís the wrong decision. I am already fed up living with her and I know that sounds selfish. I feel like I have the weight of the whole world on top of me?

    Is it 100% my fault?

    Do you have any suggestions?

  • #2
    The only mistake you're making is putting up with her spoiled, cheating ass any longer.
    You have to realise somewhere deep down that this girl is bad news. That's why you're not telling your family whenever she screws around on you, because you know they will pressure you to leave her.

    How far along is the pregnancy?
    A NIPP (Non-invasive Prenatal Paternity) test can be done after 8 weeks of pregnancy and determines paternity. There's no risk harming the unborn baby. Get this done immediately. If she refuses, tell her you're moving back home and she can take care of herself and her own expenses.
    Since the little princess doesn't work, let's see how long she lasts on her own.
    If the baby isn't yours, away with her and you celebrate your freedom and you never look back.
    If the baby turns out to be yours, you talk to a custody lawyer and find out what your options are (if you want custody that is).
    Since you have an income and she doesn't, i think you have a head start. Get a decent place to live and baby-proof it. Establish that you have the support of your family and take some parenting classes. Stay 100% alcohol free for a while, so this can't be used against you in a custody battle.

    Whatever you do, stop convincing yourself that this is normal. You deserve better. She's not going to take care of your best interest, so it will be up to you. Take better care of yourself!
    You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf


    • #3
      Thank you for your response, I was really happy when I found out about the baby and we wanted to keep it straight away.

      She is 26 weeks pregnant and having a little girl.


      • #4
        Originally posted by PT_LAB View Post

        She is 26 weeks pregnant .
        So the paternity test is possible.
        Are you going to make her take it?
        You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf


        • #5
          Ask yourself if you love her. You both may benefit from counselling together as it seems like both of you have the family interests' at heart but you are not communicating properly. A woman's sexual history is never easy to stomach for many men. You may want to revisit your own insecurities and cut that shit out of you're overly insecure. If she is not sleeping with anyone else and is loyal to you and you sense she is in love with you, stop looking for trouble where there isn't any. I don't recommend a paternity test if you don't have your heart and your head straightened out first.

          She's also a bit stupid making assumptions based on looks when the baby comes out. I was born in a mixed family and none of my siblings and myself look similar and some of us took after a parent and I took after my grandparents. We don't have the same eye or hair colour and our faces don't even look remotely like we are related. If you are having misgivings about starting a life with this woman and if you sense she isn't someone you can trust or see as the mother of your (future) children, someone you can turn to or trust with your life, this isn't the right woman for you. Be respectful about it, sort your head and make your decisions accordingly.


          • #6
            Not wearing a condom and having a baby is bad enough. To complicate it further by moving in together thinking it would benefit the baby is a bigger mistake. I just read that only 40% of couple who live together get married and then 53% of them and all other married couples get divorced. You are a Vegas Casino's dream customer. People grow and courtside love goes away and no more are each other's faults overlooked. Unfortunately we are all subject to the consequences of our actions as you now know. A DNA test would help but your life and relationship is messed up no matter the results and think about a clean break with you supporting the kids that are yours of course. I am amazed at how so many young people ruin their lives by not using common sense. I had 30 + girlfriends and none got pregnant. I am married 46 years since I waited for someone who I did not feel I had to marry because she had my baby. I made smart choices and you are kind of stuck with the choices you made in the past. A child will not hold a couple together and yet so many couples think that it will. It only makes things more difficult. You may want to talk to a Psychologist first.


            • #7
              Although this isnít the first time that she has been with another guy, in these past 8 years she has cheated numerous times.
              Can I ask you why your self-esteem is so low that you would stay with someone who is obviously poly when you are monogamous. This woman can't go without fucking other men and she doesn't even know if the baby to be is yours.

              You should be getting therapy to help you understand why you would want to be with a sex addict who will NOT ever be faithful to you. She's using you to financially take care of her and the baby. \

              . She asked me later if the baby is not mine would I be able to stay and take care,
              Wake up ffs.
              Last edited by phasesofthemoon; July 13th, 2018, 04:38 PM.
              "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!