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Dumped before it even started...

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  • Dumped before it even started...

    Right, this is more for me because I'm just a tad hurt/feeling rejected and I just wanna vent some feelings.

    I've been slowly building my confidence since the start of the year after a pretty bad breakup towards the end of last year. I've been single, terrified of relationships and scared of getting close to anyone again.

    So I posted a topic here the other day. Over the past month, I've been dating a girl. She works at my local bar where my friend also works and introduced us a few months ago after she kept asking him about me. We'd been talking and flirting for a couple of months and then She made the first move on a night out and asked me out on a date. We went on one, it went great, there was a spark and she asked me on another. We started seeing each other once or twice a week, she made it extremely clear she was very interested in me. No complications, discussed what we want and agreed on all fronts. We weren't officially dating so soon but it was (at least from what I understood) moving towards that direction. She said she was happy with the way things were going.

    Well she asked if I wanted to stop at hers on Thursday. I met her after work, we got food, watched TV, got all comfy, went to bed, she initiated sex and cuddled up. I woke up to her having made breakfast. Things were all good, she was all over me but as I was walking her to work she suddenly went a bit cold towards me. Kissed me and said she'd see me later.

    I carry on with my day, message her later and just get some very lukewarm responses about her being really tired. The next day I don't hear from her. I knew she was going to a party on the night so I left her to it. I actually went to the bar that night to meet my mate. Her best friend from work who I'd met a few times decided to have a drink with us as did two other co workers. They told me how cutw a couple we are and that Harriett really likes me.

    The next day, she spends the day avoiding texting me and evading me asking if she wants to meet. I know something's up. Well yesterday I was out with my Brother celebrating my Dad's birthday. We popped into the bar and she was working. She avoids eye contact... I ask her if everything's ok, she says it's fine. All the staff have their eyes down, eyebrows raised. I'm embarrassed.

    I get home and text her. She replies that she didn't wanna say at the Bar but she doesn't know how she feels about the prospect of another relationship but it's not my fault because i'm "a good lad". I'm confused, I didn't pursue a relationship with her, she went after me. Does this mean she wants to stop seeing me all together? "Yeahhh, I thought I wanted to see someone but I guess I don't"...

    I've sent a text basically asking what's happened seeing as she's suddenly gone completely off me since Friday morning and that clearly I must have done something wrong. "Seen" and that's that. I'm gutted because I did genuinely like this girl, I'm annoyed at myself for letting my guard down again and worse, I'm frustrated because I genuinely don't know what happened.
    Last edited by djgph; July 10th, 2018, 04:58 PM.

  • #2
    Here's what happened. She got tired of you. There wasn't enough to hold her interest. Don't blame yourself. That's what dating is see if you have a connection. Sometimes you think you have a connection, but after a while you realize that you don't. Move on, Lad.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


    • #3
      So what's the point of dating then? I'm just gonna get close to someone again and get my feelings crushed again. I can't do it anymore. I stay single and then someone comes along, I slowly let my guard down and they just decide "ahhh i'm done now, you mean nothing to me, bye". I may as well just die alone.


      • #4
        Oh, stop the drama.

        Things don't always work out. Keep trying. Don't invest your heart and soul in anyone after one month of dating.
        "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


        • #5
          Your problem is that you didn't go after her. You waited like a damp limp rag and you allowed her to pursue you and initiate conversations/sex/breakfast/dates with you. Next time you date, put more effort into it. If you are so terrified of meeting anyone, just don't. Die alone if you like. There's no shame in that either. I would have done it, bloody proudly too, if my husband wasn't the one who found me. Don't live in fear or within social constructs of what others may have laid out for you. Blaze your own path or die trying. Come on, man.


          • #6
            Dating is a testing/gambling process. That is, you take a risk, place a bet, make yourself vulnerable, and then observe whether it pays off. If it was a winner and you found that the other person could be trusted with your heart, you might place the bet again and/or increase it. If it is was a loser, you might try again at the same or lesser level, or you might walk away. However, it would be foolish (or the behavior of a gambling addict) to increase the bet after a loss (getting hurt).

            The point is, over time, if the person demonstrates they can be trusted with your heart, you keep placing the bets, making yourself increasingly vulnerable and deepening your connection. The faster and more carelessly you go, the more chance you take of being seriously hurt.

            Everyone's tolerance for being hurt is different. Some people can jump into bed with a complete stranger and not be hurt if he/she never calls again. Others are devastated when they get turned down for a second coffee date.

            You have to know what level of risk you can handle and never go too far beyond that level with each step. Given that you still seem to be recovering from an earlier breakup, you've now learned that you are not ready to handle the risks of fast moving relationship-- I would define sex in the first month as fast moving.

            If you're going to date again, take it even slower.

            As for why she ended it, there could be any number of things that either do or don't have anything to do with you personally. Don't bother worrying about it. You ended up being incompatible, for whatever reason, and that's all there is to it.

            Focus on your own personal healing and gaining back your confidence before you get involved beyond the friendship stage with any women you don't really know well.

            Good luck