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Do I have a right to be upset?

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  • Do I have a right to be upset?

    Iíve recently found myself in a very uncomfortable situation. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years. We have a very loving and happy relationship. However, there is one problem. My boyfriends close friend continues to try to break us up. Everytime him and my bf hang out he always brings up how my bf should be single, see what else is out there, and how heís too young to be in a committed relationship (my bf is 23 his friend is in his 30s). His view of relationships in general is very negative especially relationships in your 20s. It bothers me because not only does he keep insisting that my bf should be single, but heís also implied that he thinks Iím trying to control him (even though everyone who knows us knows that is absolutely not true) and makes me out to be a bad girlfriend even though heís never even met me. Itís like no matter how happy my bf and I are he always has something negative to say about me or the relationship. No matter how many times my boyfriend tells him that heís happy, that he loves being in a committed relationship, or that he loves me he still continues to pressure him. Iíve talked to my boyfriend about this and asked him if maybe he can have a talk with his friend and establish some boundaries. That I feel like even if his friend doesnít approve of or support our relationship, as his friend he should be respectful and respect the fact that my bf chooses to be in a relationship and not try to force his own opinions on him. Although my bf agrees itís a bit annoying he doesnít understand why this upsets me so much. Weíve had many disagreements over this. I honestly donít even know if I have a right to feel this way, if Iím overreacting, or if maybe thereís a better way to handle all this. I have no intention of coming between my bf and his friend but at the same time I feel like heís crossing a line and like my bf should stand up for me more and have an honest conversation with his friend about his negativity towards our relationship. I hate confrontation of any kind so I donít know how to fix all this. Any advice on how to handle this situation would be greatly appreciate it!

  • #2
    We have a very loving and happy relationship.

    ^^^^^^Keep saying this to yourself.

    Since you never met the offending friend, I'm assuming that your boyfriend relays these sentiments to you on a regular basis. I question why he is doing this if he knows you get your panties wadded up when you hear it. In any event, if you truly have a loving and happy relationship, why not just ignore the friend? Why have you never met him? I would insist on meeting him.

    Do you think your boyfriend would cheat on you?
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      I havenít met his friend because they actually work together and they work about 40 minutes from where I live. He works in hospitality so some nights heís out of work at midnight and thatís usually when they hang out. Since I work at 8 in the morning weíve just never had the opportunity to meet. I honestly donít know why I canít just ignore him. Maybe its because of how frequent it happens. Itís every single time they hang out. He talks very badly about not just our relationship but relationships and girls in general. I just donít like having people in my personal business, especially when they have nothing nice to say. And yes my bf did tell me a few times but mainly because I asked what was wrong (I could hear it in his voice that something was bothering him). But I doubt my boyfriend would cheat. If he ever did i know him well enough that Iíd see it in his body language or notice any strange or distant behavior. Thereís none of that tho.

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      • #4
        If this friend is 'in your business,' it's because your boyfriend is telling him things about your relationship. Otherwise, he wouldn't know anything. You should have a talk with your boyfriend and tell him that you find it disrespectful to you that he would entertain this kind of dialogue with anyone.
        "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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        • #5
          I agree with Sarah.
          It's highly unlikely that this guy just spits out anti-relationship advice if your bf isn't open to talking about it.
          Your bf is giving him an opportunity to have these conversations, which means deep down he's interested in what this friend is saying.
          Also, the fact that your boyfriend isn't just ignoring this friend and is telling you about it in detail after every meet, tells me your boyfriend isn't as "perfectly happy together" as you claim you are.
          You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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          • #6
            Thatís also what I thought when my boyfriend first told me about the situation. I thought maybe my boyfriend was the one being negative and his friend was just giving him advise based on what my bf was telling him. But then my bf told me that heís always been this way. My boyfriend was in a 2 year relationship before he met me and even though it didnít work out the relationship itself wasnít toxic or anything like that. His friend use to tell him the exact same thing heís still telling him now. The way my bf explained it is basically it has nothing to do with me personally or our relationship. He just doesnít think that someone in their early 20s should be in a relationship. Basically he thinks that your 20s are for partying, getting drink, sleeping around, and being selfish and relationships just hold you back from that. So itís more of a general belief on relationships versus a personal opinion of our relationship if that makes sense.

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            • #7
              I actually experienced it once when I was on the phone with my bf and he was there. We were joking around talking about air fresheners and out of nowhere he starts talking negatively about girls and relationships. Literally out of nowhere

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              • #8
                I think it's kind of bad news for your boyfriend to entertain this friend. Like a lot of people above have pointed out, what does it say about how he feels about your relationship if he routinely engages in these kinds of conversations? If I was with someone who constantly talked negatively about my relationship and guys in general I would, at the very least, avoid that subject at all costs. If that's all they ever wanted to talk about I'd probably stop talking to them. I don't think you should tell your boyfriend he can't talk to this person (because then you are kind of controlling) but I'd definitely let him know that the fact that he hangs out with someone who is so negative towards women bothers you because it makes you feel like he shares some of his friend's opinions and outlooks. He could respond a lot of different ways, but hopefully he'll be open and understanding enough to realize he doesn't need the negative influence of his friend.

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                • #9
                  I completely agree with what you said. That would definitely be my reaction as well. Iíll definitely try to have an honest conversation with my boyfriend about that. Hopefully he responds with understanding but either way at this point itís a conversation that needs to happen.

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                  • #10
                    Your boyfriend, apparently, works with this guy. Therefore, he can't completely ignore the guy nor can he control what the guy says. What he can do is stop relaying the messages to you. Tell your boyfriend that, unless this guy has something wise and helpful to say, you're not interested hearing it and he can keep it to himself.

                    You might also point out that wise and successful people seek advice and counsel from people whose lives they admire. Then ask your boyfriend if there is anything about this idiot's life or character that he wants to emulate.

                    In the meantime, do your best to be the best girlfriend you can be and work to make your boyfriend's life wonderful. Eventually your boyfriend will figure out that the stupid playboy he's hanging out with is a miserable lonely prick who is just trying to seduce your boyfriend into a meaningless and empty lifestyle so he'll have company in his misery.

                    Good luck

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                    • #11
                      Thank you for your advice it was very helpful. Youíre definitely right and I will bring that up when I talk to my boyfriend about it.

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