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Not Sure What To Do!!

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  • Not Sure What To Do!!

    I need some advice!! I've been seeing my girlfriend for about a year now. We've had our ups and downs like every relationship.
    A couple of months ago she got a text from a guy while we were both looking at her phone and the guy called her "hun" and he asked her, how she was doing. She said he used to call her that in high school. I'm 45 years old and she's 48 years old so that was a long time ago. I said I didn't appreciate another guy calling you "Hun". She said she would take care of it and wanted to show me what she said to him but I said there is no need to show me. I told her that relationships are built on trust and if I can't trust then we might as well not be together. I never did check to see what she wrote to him.

    Fast forward to this weekend and we got out of town to an 80th birthday party for one of her friend's dad. We both left our phones in the car and we both been drinking and I went out to the car and yep i checked her phone. And guess what I saw another text from another guy stating "I got chills when I saw you". So I didn't say anything yet and I still haven't.

    I know if I say anything I'm going to get why were you checking my phone (trust thing). So I'm torn up inside, do I say something or just let it go and I'm really having a hard time just letting it go. I can't get it out of my mind.

    I've helped my gf in all aspects of life and I feel completely betrayed by her. I don't trust her now but I still really really love her. One last thing she was in a marriage for 20 years and she cheated on him. But of course, said she would never do that to anyone else because she know's what it did to him. But I feel like I've been cheated on too.

    I've also in a 20-year marriage and 10 of those we're a sexless marriage and I did everything to make that marriage work but both have to want to make it work.

    I really am torn on what to do. please help. thanks


    Last edited by score23; July 9th, 2018, 01:22 PM.

  • #2
    Well, so much for telling her that relationships are built on trust.

    You clearly didn't trust her or you wouldn't have checked her phone. Is there any evidence that she has been communicating with these guys?
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


    • #3
      yep, I agree I shouldn't have looked but I did. A couple of months ago we went on a trip to Cuba and it was just us. So at the pool sitting around drinking with each other and she says going to swim up to the bar to get a drink. no problem and notice a couple of guys there. So I had to head back to the room for something and I was 20m there and our room was far from the pool. So 30m tops and there she is with 5 guys at the pool bar and one of the guys has arms around her like he was his boyfriend and i was furious with her afterward and we had it out on our first night be there. She basically said it was nothing and it was all just fun times but i didn't take it that way


      • #4
        and sorry to answer your question. No i have no evidence she's been communicating with these guys.


        • #5
          Clearly you need to set some boundaries with each other for this relationship. She obviously doesn't see anything wrong with flirting. You're obviously bothered by it. You need to communicate your non-negotiables with her and come up with some kind of workable plan or this relationship isn't going to survive. It may be she's not ready to be fully committed to anyone.
          "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


          • #6
            Well, she's cheated before and clearly she has not learned a lesson because she continues to put herself in inappropriate situations for someone who is in a committed, exclusive relationship.

            The problem I see is that when you voice your displeasure about it, she poo poos it and can't see why someone would be upset with her behavior so she basically dismisses your concerns and reactions. She's a attention whore, she only thinks of the gratification she gets from the attention of men and could care less that you're hurt. She is also clueless about romantic relationship boundaries and thinks its okay to act single around other men as long as she's not screwing them. Sadly it's her behavior that is going to lead her to more likely then not, find herself in infidelity yet again.

            Leave her now or try what Sarah suggests and if she doesn't want to give up the act of being single then get rid of her. You already don't trust her due to her lax boundaries so she should know that you don't trust her and tell her why. (the "why" is what led you to check her phone so don't let her turn the fact you looked into something YOU'VE done wrong)
            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!