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Am I being overdramatic or do I have a right to be worried?

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  • Am I being overdramatic or do I have a right to be worried?

    Hey everyone, first time poster here.

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 and a half years and he's been absolutely lovely to me up until this point. During our time together, he always openly admitted that he only has eyes for me, only likes me, doesn't look at anyone else etc. Which is fine and all, but he's a 25 year old young man who's only ever had 2 long term relationships and hasn't been single since he was 16 so of course I'm going to assume that, yes he's going to be aware/like other attractive women which is no problem. I openly admit when I see a man who I find attractive to him because I believe honesty is the best policy.

    In the back of mind, I couldn't quite get rid of this niggling feeling in the back of my mind that he was lying, that perhaps he was attracted to other women which again, is fine but be honest about it? So I drove myself a bit crazy with anxiety thinking that something wasn't right, he was acting suspicious with his phone, acting distant/cut off etc. but I ultimately blamed by own anxiety for making me feel that way. I approached him a lot about it, but he said I was silly and to stop being anxious.

    I tried to get rid of this feeling until one night me, him and my best friend got BLIND drunk and had a threesome together. Stupid, I know and it came from nowhere but we all regretted it in the morning and never spoke of it again. Maybe I went ahead because I wasn't feeling loved in my relationship and wanted some form of attention? I don't know or maybe I was just too drunk.

    Fast forward a bit and I'm still having these thoughts that he's hiding something. I've always thought I wasn't good enough for him/for anyone and my self esteem is incredibly low so for him to say he didn't like anyone else, only me, made me feel both suspicious and overwhelmed that he liked me so much.

    I woke up from a party one night at my flat that both he and my best friend were attending and everything seemed normal until everyone else left and then he turned and said, after crying for ages but never telling me why: 'i fucked up. I cheated on you last night with [best friend.]'

    I almost threw up but ended up having a mental breakdown instead. Screaming, hissy fits, crying the lot. He seemed genuinely distraught at what he'd done, and I still believe that he is, so after calming down we talked about it. He said he was drunk and so was she. They kissed and fumbled beneath each other's clothes but apparently that was it. I confronted her about it and their stories matched up (also he allowed me to look at messages between the two so as to alleviate the suspicion that they'd came up with a plan to say that not a lot happened'.) I also believe the threesome we had in the past contributed to it and he maybe drunkenly thought he could do it because they did it before, only this time I wasn't present? I don't know but I forgave him because he seemed genuinely upset with his actions.

    The other night, he told me that he'd told his cousin about the cheating. I asked to see what he'd sent but in the process of looking, I saw a message above that of a naked woman. Weird but not unusual for a young guy and his cousin to have a lad chat about. Then I noticed there were HUNDREDS of pictures, all with disgusting comments beneath them. He said that his cousin sent them all and he only sent a few to humour him, I checked the info on the images and he had sent more or less all of them. He was acting so sleazy with the comments too.

    I felt sickened by it. Not because of the naked women (because I know he's got needs and young) but it was the sheer amount of them, the horrible comments, and the fact he'd lied to me for three and a half years about not looking at other women, I'm silly for thinking that, don't hate yourself etc. I hated myself more because I clearly wasn't good enough to be told all of this.

    Again, we talked it out. I was beginning to see a completely different man to the one I fell in love with but I thought I'd give him a chance because everyone deserves it. He said he'd be completely honest from now on, he's not hiding anything else etc.

    ​​​​​​He received a message from one of his college mates and I thought he's probably been sharing horrible pictures with them too so I asked 'let me see your phone' because by this point, my gut was telling me this wasn't done. He handed it over and I was confronted with him saying how much he wants to have sex with girls I know (girls I've suspected he likes in the past and confronted him about, only to be denied and told I'm being silly), how sexy they are, how fuckable they are, how much he loves tits, arses, a random taxi driver he had and how much he would fuck her. The worst was when I read about my friend that he'd cheated on me with. How much he loved her tits, arse, oof! (As he put it.) None of his college mates said anything like this, none of them posted degrading comments like this about women (they also have girlfriends) so I thought again, I must not be good enough as the other guys aren't acting this way? Am I horrible?

    He said he never once thought any of those women were sexually attractive and that it was all just guy talk but if so, why weren't any of the other men joining in? If it was just guy talk? And why did he hide it for so long if it wasn't true?

    Im just heartbroken because he's not who I thought he was. He's apparently determined to love me and stay with me and be better, he promises! But can I believe him? Am I overeacting?

    any advice would be great thanks!

  • #2
    He's a tosser and more likely then not, your self-esteem (what you have left of it) is going to go down the toilet the longer you are with this guy.. You're N.E.V.E.R going to be able to trust him again unless you suddenly become truly confident, and realize that you deserve to be shown your value and if you're not being shown you're valued, then you'll leave. First you have to value you.

    He, right now, is apparently confident that no matter how he devalues you, you're going to stick around. Don't teach him that he's right.

    My advice, dump him and work on your confidence and self-worth with the help of a therapist if you're not improving on that through self-help.
    Last edited by phasesofthemoon; July 8th, 2018, 10:27 PM.
    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!


    • #3
      Normal guys, the ones who have nothing to hide, don't lie and claim that they never notice any other woman.
      Please, it's perfectly normal to walk past someone and notice that this person is attractive. There's nothing wrong with that. Guys who lie about it and claim over and over that their brain works differently, are covering something up.
      In this case, he was covering up the fact that he's a creep and objectifies every woman he comes across and treats them like a piece of meat.

      Walk away. You deserve better.
      You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf


      • #4
        Originally posted by Nation144 View Post
        He said he never once thought any of those women were sexually attractive and that it was all just guy talk but if so, why weren't any of the other men joining in? If it was just guy talk? And why did he hide it for so long if it wasn't true?
        That was the kind of "guy talk" I used to ear 30 years ago, and even then only from the most uneducated men, so I agree with Ayla, he is in fact a wannabe creep.