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  • Desperately seeking advice

    This is a long-ish story, so please bare with me. The summer of 2016 I moved across the country with my then boyfriend I had been dating for 3 years. Things were tough when we moved after college as he was working as a bartender and I had started a career. I'm sure, since I'm here you can guess how things ended. Things basically blew up between us last summer when I found out he was blatantly cheating on me with a younger girl from work. Kindof typical, except this girl has two children and was MARRIED for about 2 weeks or so when her husband found my number and told me the ugly truth.

    Obviously pissed and devastated I immidatley packed my things and moved home to be with my family and friends. Since then he now lives with this chick and her children, and I can't help but a year later feel the same amount of sadness, betrayal, and jealousy. I feel as though I have done everything the "right" way. I mean, i left. I never begged to stay or begged him to stay. I traveled with my friends, I fell in love with kickboxing and have transformed my body, ive started a new career, so why am I still feeling so hopeless?

    I also have this overwhelming feeling of guilt. I blame myself for this. He always told me that I smothered him too much and I can't help but think that's why this all went down the way it did. I feel like I lost the love of my life by being too over bearing and acting insane. But at the same time, he is now technically a "father" and it makes no sense how that would not seem "overbearing" to him.

    is this my fault? How can I forgive myself? Has anyone else gone through this? I am so fortunate to have the friends and family I do who have supported me like no other, but after all this time I feel silly going to them STILL feeling this way. They do not understand my sadness at this point since to them, I am much better off. This is why I need to seek some outside thoughts.

    Anxiously awaiting your advice xx

  • #2
    Accidentallyinlove , No, it's not your fault. Everyone has their own free will including your ex-boyfriend. He made a choice even though it was a bad one and he didn't care about repercussions. To be clear, he's pinning the blame on you (aka gaslighting) by telling you it's your fault he cheated because you "smothered" him. That's BS. You did NOT force him to cheat on you. That's all on him. He is the one who made his stupid decision to do so. NOT YOU. He made his own excuses for which you are NOT responsible for. Let there be no confusion on your part over this. Think clearly.

    Your ex and the married woman with kids were made for each other. Think about it. Feel more smug and this new smug attitude will help erase your feelings of "guilt" (which there is none) and you will forgive yourself over time.

    You forgive yourself by knowing in your heart that you did not cause him to act like a fool. You forgive yourself by allowing time to heal your wounds.

    You're fortunate to have friends and family who are supportive so in a positive way, take advantage of your good fortune. The more you focus on them, the less time and energy you'll have to be depressed over an ex who did NOT deserve you, did NOT deserve your heart, loyalty and devotion. Know you are worth MORE than the way he mistreated you. This is how you forgive yourself. Remember, forgive doesn't mean forget. Forgive means to move forward with your life and consider a bad past as just that, a past. Start anew because it's the story of life.

    Sadness is normal. Give yourself time to tell yourself that you were wise to end it. A foolish or stupid person tries to change a man and you were smart enough to cut him loose. You did not hang onto a hopeless man and situation. You were intelligent enough to call it quits which was a very smart move. I'm sorry you're bitter, resentful and grieving. I hope you'll feel better soon. Try not to be so hard on yourself and try not to beat yourself up over this.

    He's definitely and absolutely NOT investing in any energy, time and brain space wallowing over you so you should "repay the favor" and do likewise. Concentrate and get busy with your own life because those are healthy distractions. That's how I look at it and it's what I do whenever there was an injustice between people no matter who they are. I hate to tell you this but you'll have to get used to it. People will waft in and out of your entire life. Some are good while others will treat you badly. Change the way you think. Don't expend your time, energy and resources on those who don't deserve your sincere heart, enthusiasm, labor and good will.
    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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    • #3
      Thank you so much for your kind words ❤ i really do need to remind myself to think logically about the situation and realize they are absolutely perfect for eachother.

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      • #4
        Nothing you did (or did wrong) gave him the right to cheat on you.
        They might have given him the right to break up with you. Not cheating!
        Don't blame yourself. This is all on him.

        I agree with what Chanelle said.
        Give yourself time to heal. It's okay if it still crosses your mind. It was obviously a big blow. Having your trust betrayed like that doesn't fade in a few weeks.
        You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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        • #5
          You have nothing to forgive yourself for. Your ex made his bed & is probably finding just how painful it is lying in it.

          It's a cliche' but the past is the past & your'e in a much better position than you once were. You did the right thing.

          Have you met anybody you like since the break up? Once you do find someone else you will feel so much better!

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          • #6
            I'm so proud of you for leaving him! It takes a lot of strength to walk away from someone even when they have done something so wrong. You're a really strong person, and I think everything you're feeling is normal. It's not at all your fault and there is nothing you could have done to make him remain faithful to you. He made his choice and you are doing the right thing by moving on without him. Working through what you're feeling now is just part of getting over him and the relationship you had with him.

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            • #7
              You did NOTHING WRONG!! I had something similar happen with my ex and I am barely over it (it still stings though) almost 2 years later. Are you still in contact with him at all?? I hope not. I used to feel so much jealousy and sadness then I realized that my ex was doing all the shady things he did to me to his new GF...and it made me honestly feel bad for her. If anything you should be happy, you deserve soooo much better then that and you will find better then that!! Also, beware of putting him on a pedestal...a lot of times I think we like to remember all the good times and all of that but remembering the good times doesn't always help you heal...you need to remember it for what it is and know that you deserve and will find a man who deserves your love!

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              • #8
                It's been one year and you're still thinking about this sorry excuse of a man? It's time to pick yourself up and yes, I agree with Chanelle that some forgiveness of yourself is needed and self-love. If you feel you need to speak to a professional about your concerns and your feelings don't feel embarrassed to do so either. I went for counselling in my lowest points and had the perspective of a counselor to make sense of the fog. You need to exorcise those negative feelings and put them to rest and be able to live your life fully again.

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                • #9
                  I am sorry about the struggles you are having with your previous relationship. It is understandable all the feelings that you are going through. Love involves faithfulness, commitment and exclusivity. It is natural that you feel in your heart that you want to be the only one for you former boyfriend. That is printed in your heart. Nobody wants to be loved partially for someone else. I am sorry for your situation, especially that heís living with another woman now and raising her children. Itís hard to understand why your boyfriend would cheat you and then bring another woman to live with him. Counseling works through things like this. You are valuable of fighting for. Let me tell you that love starts within you. After all that youíve been through, do you see this man as someone who really loves you and respects you? Love is fulfilled when couples correspond to each other. It seems that he does not feel the same way that you do. You are an important, valuable person and worth of dignity. We should value ourselves that others can love us first. It hurts to loose someone but do not give up! And I am sure he is not the last man that you would meet. Please do not feel discourage! Hang it there! That is a process of any person who wants to meet their soulmate. I encourage you to cultivate friendships. This is a beautiful time to work in you. And you can do that also with a therapist. She or He can help you to discover your strengths and weaknesses and work about them. The relationship was of both of you, I donít think is just your fault however itís simple he was not meant to be with you. Thatís it. Iím glad to know that you want to forgive yourself. Of course you can forgive not just yourself and have you considered to forgive also your former boyfriend, situations and your personal history? Forgiveness is the first step for healing and change. Forgiveness does mean that you let the problem go. I encourage you to move on. Let me tell you that before I met my husband I had to pass for some disappointments that made me wiser and stronger. But then I understood that life was preparing me to meet the right person. And it was in that way. Sending you hugs. Youíll be in my prayers, my friend.

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