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Broke up but still together.

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  • Broke up but still together.

    I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years when he came to terms with it it was sort of a mutual decision as he says he can't bare to hurt me anymore and that I'm the best that's ever happened to him. I understand after a break up contact is a no go but I can't help it 3 and a half years together talking everyday to nothing just sounds unrealistic to me. So we have been talking but I have not stopped crying I keep thinking oh maybe he'll realise what I was to him and start to make some changes none of us where unfaithful it was just issues that he had spending time with me he would rather spend it with his friends. We miss each other so much and will always love each other but should I just let go or stay in contact with hope of pursuing things again because I have heard of couples who had time and space away from each other and are happily in love now. It just doesn't seem real and very hard to let go.

  • #2
    Originally posted by Kittykat123 View Post
    I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years when he came to terms with it it was sort of a mutual decision as he says he can't bare to hurt me anymore and that I'm the best that's ever happened to him. I understand after a break up contact is a no go but I can't help it 3 and a half years together talking everyday to nothing just sounds unrealistic to me. So we have been talking but I have not stopped crying I keep thinking oh maybe he'll realise what I was to him and start to make some changes none of us where unfaithful it was just issues that he had spending time with me he would rather spend it with his friends. We miss each other so much and will always love each other but should I just let go or stay in contact with hope of pursuing things again because I have heard of couples who had time and space away from each other and are happily in love now. It just doesn't seem real and very hard to let go.
    Everyday to nothing is realistic and sensible.

    He can't bear to hurt you anymore but while in the relationship he was ok with doing just that. He didn't want to adjust his lifestyle nor put time constraints on himself for you. I'm not sure whether your expectations were realistic or demanding but either way they didn't suit him. To the point where he would rather split.

    Doesnt sound like a mutual break up, more like he agreed with you to. He is likely only still in touch with you to ease his guilt.
    But that's unfair of him. He isn't considering your pain .

    For your own sake and grief processing , you need to cut all ties. That includes blocking him on social media etc in order to get through this as quickly and pain free as possible.

    Look after you, he is only looking after him.

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    • #3
      When you break up, there's a void that's left behind by your ex.
      The ONLY way to move on in a healthy way, it to learn to fill that void with other things, constructive things that make you happy. Get a hobby. Make new friends. Do charity work. Learn a new language.
      As long as he's still somewhat a part of your life, you'll be tied to the past and you won't be able to move on with your life. You won't fill that void with healthy, constructive things. You'll keep turning to him to provide you with an emotional security blanket. You won't be able to help it. You'll keep hope alive that he'll change eventually. Boundaries start to blur and eventually you're right back where you started, being in an unhappy relationship with someone who doesn't provide you with what you need and deserve.

      You mention couples who have had time and space apart and are now in a better place.
      Yes, it does happen. No, it does not happen often. It's the exception, not the rule. The fact that you're still hoping for this to happen, means you're in the wrong headspace to begin with. You broke up with him for not spending any time with you. I'm sure you had mentioned this in the past, you didn't just dump him over it out of the blue.
      he CHOSE to ignore your wishes. He knew it upset you, and he didn't CARE enough to make a change.
      Now he's suffering the consequences because you've had enough. Good for you. But staying in touch with him is only going to make it harder for you to stand up for yourself. Eventually, in a weak or lonely moment, you'll cross a boundary again. And what does that teach him exactly?
      It tells him: you don't have to change at all. She'll keep running back to you in the end.

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      • #4
        You're both not compatible and it's over. The sooner you accept this, the more you'll be able to heal. Close this chapter and move on.

        A man who puts you second for any reason is not appropriate relationship material.

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        • #5
          Thanks everyone it's just still so new to me at the moment it's trying to stay strong and to try and move on but it's hard as it's so fresh still. Thanks all!

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          • #6
            Originally posted by Kittykat123 View Post
            Thanks everyone it's just still so new to me at the moment it's trying to stay strong and to try and move on but it's hard as it's so fresh still. Thanks all!
            As long as you keep talking to him, it will stay "fresh." If he wants to reconcile he knows how to find you. Right now, with the constant contact you're not even giving him time to miss you in the real sense.
            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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