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  • Broke up after getting engaged

    I'm lost in thoughts and devastated so my story may be jumbled but I'll try my best.

    My fiancé and I were engaged. We've been long distance for 1.5yrs and were about to marry and close the gap. We were introduced by our parents who happen to know each other (not that well though) so we met and have dated/visited each other via flights for that entire 1.5 years. Just yesterday I moved quite a bit closer to her current location and she was planning to move in with me after we got married and she found a job there.

    We had the marriage license, wedding bands, dress, suit, and all that prepared for a courthouse marriage. Our parents were both looking forward to it but about a week before the officiation was supposed to happen we got into a huge fight. She wanted me to sign a basic prenup agreement just defining our separate assets going into the marriage and I thought it was a huge waste of lawyer fees. I was under a lot of stress during that time since I was preparing to move across the country to start a new job and I said some really mean things to her. I didn't think it was value added because our individual assets are fairly close in valuation, but I realize the way I said some things must have really hurt her and made her feel like I'm stubborn and don't listen. I tried getting some apology cards and gifts to her but a few days after that argument she sends me a text message telling me we're not right for each other and refuses to return my calls.

    I was heartbroken that my loving fiance who I had been with for over a year would break up with me via text. I think text is acceptable for breaking up after like 2-3 dates but for an engaged couple I feel like I'd at least deserve a proper phone call. It made me feel like I was tossed aside like a piece of garbage. She wouldn't answer my calls and texted me saying visiting her was a waste of my time as her mind was made up.

    Eventually she agreed to a call and we had a pretty good talk about why this happened and what went wrong...but she said she was still too hurt to proceed in a relationship with me even though she loves and cares about me. She agreed that she might have commitment issues and I agreed that I can get mean and hurtful to those around me when I'm stressed out so we sort of came to some level of mutual understanding. She has a medical degree and is far from a stupid person so I think at this point she realizes she has some commitment issues and said she needs to rethink her goals for relationships.

    One detail worth mentioning is her ex had been with her for 5 years and they were also engaged and she broke up with him over a text message as well....she still has her ring from that engagement too but paid him back for it. I think her problem is that before she's about to commit instead of thinking about all the possible good things she starts to list all the problems with her partner and decides she doesn't want to be stuck with those for life. Perhaps this was a red flag I should've noticed a while back but at the time I figured okay maybe her ex just wasn’t for her and these things can happen.

    We agreed we should meet in person one last time later this week to just walk down the lake together and say goodbye. Ultimately I still love her and really enjoy my time with her but she is too scared of commitment and being hurt by something I might ever do in the future to be with me. She still seems to care for my overall wellbeing but doesn't seem interested in a romantic relationship with me any longer. I was thinking I'd let her just keep the engagement ring so she has a collection of two to remind her of her commitment issues, but my parents are scolding me to make her pay me back.

    This is definitely all very hard for me to process. I'm also starting a new job in a new state (moved from AZ to TN) later in June and am scared all this stuff going on is going to affect my job performance. She sent me the dumping text message a day before she knew I'd have to drive 20+ hours. Luckily I had a roadtrip partner but he received news his mom is about to die any day from colon cancer so we were both down in the dumps and not well rested at all. On the way I got a speeding ticket and a flat tire too so my week has been pretty miserable. Any suggestions on what I should say/do when we meet in person?
    Last edited by Yangorang; June 12th, 2018, 10:35 PM.

  • #2
    I think you need to come to terms with the fact that the relationship is over, before you meet her.
    Otherwise this meeting will turn into a very frustrating and painful event.
    Don't go there unless you've accepted the finality of your break-up and have no hopes or interest in dredging up the past or getting her to reconsider.

    She doesn't want to be your partner. It's her right to make that decision. Even though the text was a shity way to end it, you're going to have to accept it for what it is.
    Don't go there holding resentment or planning to confront her with the mistakes she has made. This will lead to nowhere. The end result will still be the same. You'll still be broken up.

    If you insist on seeing her in person one last time, keep it short.
    Say goodbye, take care of whatever needs to be taken care of practically (returning each others posessions), wish her the best and be clear that the contact between you will end after that day.
    You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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    • #3
      It sounds to me that she wants a romantic and emotional relationship , not an arranged one. She is not afraid of committment , she simply tries to create what she wants through an arrangement and realises later it hasn't happened for her. Rather than cold feet or fear of committment , she is actually true to herself and what she desires. Good on her.

      I dont believe she intended on being rude by ending it with a text message, she simply ended it in a similar style to how it started.
      It shows emotional detachment. She tried!!! But it's not for her.

      I know of a few "successful" arranged marriages. But none as I would describe as loving relationships. More about common goals , practically. A lot of respect for each other yes. Some are happy with that. But not your ex.

      So, accept that it's over. Wish her well.
      I hope you find what you are looking for.

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      • #4
        You dodged a bullet. If you're meeting with her remain civil and accept it's over like the others have mentioned. Move on with your life and don't get hung up about how things ended and don't make your next partner pay for your previous experiences. Learn from it and move forward.

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        • #5
          Just to be clear this was not an "arranged" marriage. Our parents simply handed us each other's contact information - we started off by texting each other, then flying out to visit each other and we hit it off due to common interests and lifestyle.
          Our parents did not push us to get married at all - we loved one another and decided to get married and close the gap. Though I admit that I rushed the proposal and marriage stuff quite a bit because she is on H1B visa (I'm US citizen) and we discussed that getting her a green card would allow her better job mobility in order to close the distance gap.

          I don't believe she was trying to be rude breaking up via text message, but I did tell her previously since she did that with her ex I would be heartbroken if she didn't at least call me and I believe in-person is the proper way to breakup. Guess that fell upon deaf ears.

          I will try to keep the in person meeting simple and drama free. Hug, say goodbye, exchange possessions. I still respect her as a person even though I'm heartbroken. Part of me will always love her as she was my first true love.

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          • #6
            Give yourself time to put this part of your life to rest. She sounds unreliable and perhaps there's a cultural difference here. Yes, you both may be of the same ethnicity or religion but if you grew up or are first generation immigrant in the US and she's still in the motherland so to speak, your differences are probably very pronounced. I don't think you should keep comparing yourself to her ex. It's unbecoming. She broke up with you via text and that's that. That's the type of person she is - non-confrontational and maybe she can't handle your responses in person or on the phone and is tired of arguing or repeating her points if you just can't take no for an answer. It's not easy breaking up with someone especially for example if you have family to answer to etc.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by Yangorang View Post
              Just to be clear this was not an "arranged" marriage. Our parents simply handed us each other's contact information - we started off by texting each other, then flying out to visit each other and we hit it off due to common interests and lifestyle.
              Our parents did not push us to get married at all - we loved one another and decided to get married and close the gap. Though I admit that I rushed the proposal and marriage stuff quite a bit because she is on H1B visa (I'm US citizen) and we discussed that getting her a green card would allow her better job mobility in order to close the distance gap.

              I don't believe she was trying to be rude breaking up via text message, but I did tell her previously since she did that with her ex I would be heartbroken if she didn't at least call me and I believe in-person is the proper way to breakup. Guess that fell upon deaf ears.

              I will try to keep the in person meeting simple and drama free. Hug, say goodbye, exchange possessions. I still respect her as a person even though I'm heartbroken. Part of me will always love her as she was my first true love.
              Introduction by parents / arranged marriage, still similar.
              There is hope of a marriage by both parents.

              That sort of introduction only happens within certain cultures.

              You say "we loved each other" , my guess is you loved her.
              She went along with it until she no longer could lie to herself.

              You rushed the proposal for her visa, however her getting a visa was not actually that important to her , since she has given up that by ending the relationship. It suggests to me that she didn't love you , but liked you and had hoped in time it would turn to love. But it didn't , at least on her part.

              I think deep down you knew this, since you seem a bit fixated on how she ended her previous relationship and the fact that you even mentioned to her that you didbt want her to end yours in similar style. If the relationship was solid it wouldn't have even crossed your mind.

              Sorry you are going through this , it hurts I know, but you will get through it and when you do end in a mutually loving relationship, you will appreciate that this girl didn't go through with this marriage.

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              • #8
                We definitely shared a lot of special moments with each other. I'm going to try to book some therapy or something to see if that helps. I'm dying inside and this empty new apartment just feels like it's sucking the life out of me. I haven't been able to sleep at all and food doesn't even taste good anymore. I'm driving over in about an hour to say goodbye to her. Hopefully that gives us both some closure.
                Last edited by Yangorang; June 14th, 2018, 05:49 AM.

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                • #9
                  Okay so the story continues.....so I drove a couple hours to her thinking this would be our last goodbye. I went out of my way to her favorite cake shop first to grab a couple pieces as sort of a peace offering. Went over to her condo and knocked on the door....no answer....no response to text or calls...waited like 15 mins and was getting pretty worried...then I realized the door was unlocked anyway and helped myself in. I found her fast asleep on the bed and shook her shoulder and called her name. She opened her eyes and looked at me with a really shocked expression (later she said she thought I was a ghost) before she pulled me down and told me to lay in bed with her. We cuddled, kissed, and had sex. Then we walked had lunch and walked along the lake together. She said she still wants to have my baby someday and we talked about our fight with the prenup. We decided to cool things down with the marriage for a while but still pursue getting the prenup signed. We both agree we still enjoy our time together moreso than regular friends. Thing is now after this whole engagement breakup our families pretty much hate each other's guts.

                  Now it's the night after the day I left. She's saying today she feels bad and like she doesn't deserve the gifts I got her after she dumped me. She says she "thinks" she still loves me and is instinctively attracted to me. She says she wants to keep things the way they are right now for a while. I ask so as long distance boyfriend/girlfriend? She says as long distance friends but our last visit was more than just a hookup. She says she needs time to sort things out. She gives me some of her off days and says she'll still be happy to see me.

                  Now I'm starting to feel like my relationship is drama novel material. My brain is telling me this is all wrong and it's a bad idea but my body still wants to go visit her.

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                  • #10
                    Bodies want a lot of things. Bodies don't know what's good for them.
                    Follow your head. This is too much drama. Move on
                    You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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