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Living a Nightmare - Do I accept him or move on??

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  • Living a Nightmare - Do I accept him or move on??

    Hello everyone. I've been reading through these forums looking for advice and somewhere to turn. The first thing I've noticed is the brutal honesty/advice that people are being given so I just had to join to see if someone out there can help move me in the right direction through my devastating relationship right now.

    So here it goes.... I've been with my man for 15 years. When I met him he was a recovering addict (pills). Fast forward...the past 15 years have not been very pleasant. The beginning was a fairytale. I've never been so in love with a person and never felt so loved back. Well of course fairytales don't last. He was never my family's biggest fan and that is of course because of his situation. My family are very opinionated and don't tolerate drug users. Needless to say, they gave him the benefit of the doubt. I know you are probably thinking, what business is it of theirs, but we are very close and their opinion matters to me. Over the past years he has relapsed, lied, stole you name. I stuck it out and we got through it. He was sober again and things were ok. He bounced from job to job never being able to keep one. He's disappointed me on so many levels with nothing but broken promises. In 2011 he had an injury at work which he was severely hurt in and needed back surgery. This required months of rehab and of course pain meds. which only put us back to where we began. I knew it was necessary during this time so I just did my best to monitor. Well of course this just started the cycle up again. So for a few more years this again was a battle. In 2015 I gave him an ultimatum. Get help or get out. He got into a methadone program to ease him off of the opiates. This did work. For two years he faithfully did the program while I did all the suffering. No communication, no intimacy (yes for two years), the mood swings were unreal. It was hell. But, I stood by him anyway because now I felt bad for him. This wasn't his fault this happened he didn't ask for this and I actually felt bad for him. Until....I went on a family vacation to Disney in Florida. He couldn't go because he has walking limitation now since the accident and couldn't leave his program. While I was there I tried for 2 days to get a hold of him and was unable. I was a nervous wreck thinking the worst. I finally got a call from the police telling me he was arrested for DUI. He decided to go out and get a bag of heroin (this was a first from what I know of) and snort it while driving mind you. He instantly overdosed and crashed into a pole. The police revived him with narcan and he was taken to the hospital and then arrested. Well....of course my vacation was destroyed and again this just gave my family more ammo to hate his guts. However, since this incident he has not touched one drug. This scared the life out of him literally and I think this may have been his wake-up call. I forgave him for this God awful act and stuck by him. He's been clean for over a year now. Things have actually been going so well, it was scary. THEN, this past mother's day, we learned that while he was doing drugs back in 2015 he stole my mother's jewelry that her dead relatives (husband, mother and sister) left her. These were rings that were in her jewelry box for years and on mother's day she decided she wanted to wear the ring her mother had left her. Come to find all 4 rings were gone. After digging around for a few days, and him swearing he didn't take them, we found out he did take them back in 2015 and pawned them for drug money. My family has beyond disowned him. They tried to have him arrested but the statute of limitations has expired. He never told me he took them because he was afraid of what was going to happen.

    Needless to say, my life this past month has been a complete nightmare. I know this isn't a site for drug addiction and I'm not looking for advice on that. My battle here is him. He has endlessly hurt me and continues to. He acts remorseful for a few days and then it's like it happened move on. I of course had no choice but to kick him out after doing what he did. My family gave me the choice of keeping him around or losing them. I love my mother very much and am devastated that he would hurt her like that by taking those rings. His reasoning is that an addict doesn't have a conscience and thinks only about the drugs not the people they hurt. I get that. But I don't think I can get past this. He's living with a family member now constantly calling me to come home. He thinks that because he did this 3 years ago that I need to get over it.

    Even after all the HELL this man has put me through, I can't help but love him. My heart physically hurts and I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I'm physically sick. Things were finally going in the right direction and then this happens. He swears that there are no more skeletons in his closet. He's been clean over a year now and that he's so sorry for all he's done. He just wants to start over again and put our family back together. 15 years is a very long time. It's hard to walk away from this but I'm scared of the what-ifs and I don't want to lose my family which will happen if I accept him back.

    I think I already know the answer here but please give me your opinion on this. But....please put yourself in my shoes while doing it. I need to hear the truth...not my family's threats.

  • #2
    The battle is not with him. The battle is with you. I understand that you love him, but apparently you don't love yourself enough to free yourself from a man who is weak and addicted and would no doubt get right back on drugs if he saw a way to do it.

    Don't you think that you deserve some happiness? You will never have happiness with this man. You will simply go from one roller coaster ride to another constantly fearful of his backsliding. That's no way to live. He has done what in my opinion is beyond forgiveness, stealing your family's jewelry and pawning them for drugs. He will never be able to keep a steady job and pay them back for what he stole. Stop humiliating yourself by having him in your life. Cut yourself loose from this weight around your neck and find someone who is worthy of your love and trust.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


    • #3
      Thank you Sarah!


      • #4
        I agree with Sarah.
        15 years is a long time to be making the same mistake.
        You'd think that after so many failed attempts, people would learn.
        He hasn't, and neither have you.

        How many more years are you going to need before you start to realize this is a dead end road?
        You can stand by and hope for him to become the man you need... Or you can become the person you need to be.
        He won't, take care of you, not ever. He can't even take care of himself. No one is going to make sure your needs are met. No one except you.
        You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf


        • #5
          I'm curious what your responsibilities are. Do you work? Do you live on your own? Do you have any kids to support? Your life decisions are peculiar and don't seem to belie any obligations or responsibilities.


          • #6
            lost77 After 15 years, you don't have to be lost anymore. You can stop searching. Stop now and go your own way.

            My mother's story isn't the same as yours but she hung on for as long as she could to an alcoholic husband who constantly beat her violently. If she can leave, so can you. Don't lose your family because he's NOT worth it. Use common sense and it's not too late to change your life NOW. You have a bright future ahead of you if you do something about it without wasting anymore time on him. Use your head.
            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."


            • #7
              I agree with everyone.

              Watching a loved one destroy their life is devastating and itís painful as hell , however the best thing you can do for him is remove yourself from his life , you are only enabling him . You make excuses for him , he hurt his back and had to take pain meds , so itís not his fault ? Your Wrong !!!! He knew he was an addict !! If he cared about himself, you and your family , he would have found an alternative to pain meds or just dealt with the pain !
              Take care of you , for you ! Your hurting right now is very real , you gave your love to someone for 15 years and it was not appreciated or respected . Put your compassion and love into yourself, you did a great thing for yourself ( you kicked him out ! ) , now block him from your phone , delete all emails , text , pictures , block him on social media , mutual friends and everything in your apartment that has any connection to him ! You have to cleanse your life and begin your new self fulfilling life .
              Start doing activities that empower you , go to the gym , take a class about something that interest you , hang out with old or new friends , clean or rearrange your apartment or both ! You have to create a new routine that focuses entirely on your well being . This is also a good time to reconnect with your family.
              I donít want to sound like Iím shaming you into guilt , but you have to take responsibility for how YOUR decision to stay with guy has impacted your family . Iím a little apprehensive about saying this because I donít want you to feel guilty , but you have to understand that your family had no decision that this guy was in their life . Bonding with your family and having them as your support system and you being a source of support to them will lift the cloud that hangs over all of you .
              You canít change the past , learn from it and help it make you the person you want to be , the quote in my profile has become my mantra , ď Itís time to let go and sacrifice who you are for what you can becomeĒ take care of yourself ! Your on the right path !!!

              It’s time to let go , you have to sacrifice the life you have for the life you want !


              • #8
                I have just one question.
                Why do you love him?


                • #9
                  I have compassion for your love for your man. Head over heals in love. 15 years is a very long time. You probably know each other so well you can finish each otherís sentences. I totally understand that ďhopeĒ you hold out for year after year. Are you sure that what you feel for him doesnít have more to do with sympathy? Itís easy to confuse it with love after years of living with an addict. Iíve have learned that life with an addict is a vicious unending cycle and is a no-win situation. Itís a merry-go-round that never stops. Round and round it goes. Sometimes faster, sometimes slower, but it still continues. Personally, it hurt, but I knew in order for me to survive, I had to jump off. Thankfully I had a loving and supportive family like yours. That is truly a blessing.

                  Iím glad he has been sober for a year. He needs to continue to work on him. You, I would hope, would pursue working on you and getting healthy, emotionally, physically and spiritually. I promise you will see things from a completely different perspective. I might suggest looking into a local Al-Anon group. They can help you understand how we are enablers to the addicted.

                  At the end of the day, your family is always there for you and would never intentionally hurt you.


                  • #10
                    I seriously appreciate all of this feedback! Even if some of it is not what my heart wants to hear. All of you couldn't be more right! Deep down I know I have to let this man go. He is never going to change. It just seriously hurts so bad.

           ask why do I love him? I honestly cannot answer that question. Everyone asks me that. I don't have a clear answer. He just has my heart for whatever the reason is.

                    Rose Mosse....I am a very independent hard working woman. I have a 20 year old son who works a lot and is hardly home. He's grown and does his own thing. One thing I can say is that I am a great mother. My son is always number one and there is nothing I wouldn't do for him. I know people probably think he's not blind, he sees what is going on, but as long as I "seem happy" he's ok with that. My man has never been abusive physically and any argument/issues we've had I try to be as discrete as possible. For many years my son has no idea what the hell was even going on. Me and my man are not married. I have no children with him. I have a great full-time job. I make good money. I own my own home. I do not "need" him in any way. So yes, you like MANY others probably want to shake me and say "hello" WTH is wrong with you!! I can't answer it.

                    15 years is just a very long time to devote your heart and time to someone. I'm done. I'm tired of making excuses for him and all of you are right I have done it all. It hurts terribly, and his crying and pleading doesn't help, but I know what I have to do.

                    Again, I truly thank you all for your advice!!


                    • #11
                      But he has changed! He's done treatment, rehab, methadone treatment which means he WANTS to quit and he's doing the work he needs to do to stay quit.

                      Your mother, in my opinion is being a real bitch to you by making you choose between the man you love who has the disease of addiction. Opiate addiction, an epidemic thanks to doctors who prescribe without knowing anything about their patient and whether or not they have an addictive personality/history.

                      I must ask What kind of a mother would give their child an ultimatum to choose between her and the man you love when he is in recovery? I can certainly see her reasoning if he were not doing anything to get himself clean and sobr and was a hopeless cause.

                      I am usually the first to give advice to leave a drug addict or an alcoholic who REFUSES TO GET INTO TREATMENT. This is not the case in your situation.

                      I think you should talk to your mother about this further. Perhaps you could even go to the pawn shop hasn't sold the rings and you could buy them back?

                      In the meantime, get yourself into an al-anon group or personal therapy to talk about codependency and to help you learn to accept. You and your husband should also consider marriage counseling or family therapy if you have children because they will have been affected by all of this as well.

                      I say all of that if your husband is in an ongoing recovery program like AA or Narcotics Anonymous or personal therapy. If he's not in any of those things then his chances of relapsing would cause me to change my opinion.

                      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!