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How to end up misery of no-relationship

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  • How to end up misery of no-relationship

    There a lot of similar stories, yet I need help to end up my misery of no-relationship.. it all started nicely and first few months were nice and relaxing... as I was new comer in the city (coming from another country) not knowing anybody there, I made a contact with him through simple questions about some bureocracy things... at the beginning I thought he is a nice person for helping me with information and when he suggested to meet up, I said why not, at least I can thank him in person and maybe this can be start of creating social network... it was a nice meetup and after a while he started to contact me.. we started to spend time together, doing some jogging, swimming, and even I started to hiking in hills (which was never my main way of spending free time. even I like nature a lot, hiking in mountains was never on my mind; not in such range)... After a while he started to come every day and then he spent more and more time at the place I lived. His main activity was mountain hiking, which was seen by me very poistive, thus I said I could never go to high mountains since I am not physically so trained. we wnet a lot hiking and sometimes we combined it with travelling aroung, seing sites, cities, he even invited me to the sea... nice, but I did not really catch a message in between the lines, that he wants that I start t train as he does, so that we would go together to the mountains, via feratta..his philosophy of life is that you need to go on in every thing you do..nothing wrong with that, but it started to go down for several reasons- I liked to go with him hiking, but it was suffering for me, since I was to slow and more and more he was humuliating me, that I am not progressing in life. I believe that people shoudl do things together, but not everythng, as sometimes it is just not possible. He started to humiliate me for not train correctly, not running correctly, that I am slow and that I am slowing him down all the time.. I never met anybody from his friends (that he went to mountains before- first year being together, he went with his friend to the mountains, then he stopped-he went alone or with me. I need to say here, it was not my wish that he does that, I suggested, that he shoudl keep going with friends and sometimes with me, and that I would like to do other things too (dance, theater, movies, meeting people..)He always said I do not get the message and that I do not understand, that I should seriousy train as he does (every day min 1hour of hard training to reach good condition and strenght). I tried, but I failed... on my question, why should it be so, he said, that we could go to mountains and via feratta togehter... everything fine, but not always I said and it was wrong... we did not do much of my things, only when I organized someti´hing and hiking was beside... I became sad and tired, at same time I tried to accomodate as much as possible. He even left the job to have his mountain project time...he said this is norma and othe rpeople do not have a guts to go out of the box, and argue my comments,when I said many people cannot afford to do that, as there are bills to pay,...
    I told him, that he should accept me as I am and make me better, but not chnage me at whole...he said he has all the right to change me to a better person... I was blind and becoming blinder...
    Slowly I wanted to meet his friends and he said it is non of my business, even he meet some of mine (for me this is normal).. It was even harder to explaing to him , why it woudl be nice that I meet his family (he met mine withut any plans, I just took him there. After I meet his family, he said he has done everything and now it is my turn to do all he expects from him- change my communciation style, choose people around me the way his way was... it was hard for me, as I treat people differently, not as him, what he can gain form them (by explaining if he cannot go on, people cannot be beside him). His working colleagues he expained are stupid and miserable, many people he went to mountains too... it was always so, he is right, his way is the only acceptable...and I was still blind and more and more unhappy, even I still love him much... he striclltly differ emotions and have them under control, yet there were times that were nice...
    in last several months I heard only that I am stupid and that I have no results in life, that I am everything but a person.... and I was and I am sort of still blind...
    we do not live together- I have appartment that i made it nice and where we have place for ourselves, we can enjoy in cooking, being in silence or doing anything else, but hard training must be on daily list. He humiliated me, for spending too much time to keep place clean, that i should do laundy every three months, that I should not take garbage out so regulary, I should not wash dishes after end of the meal... all of this thigs are waste of time for him...he started to insult me more and more... when driving , nthing was ok, even I am pretty good driver ( and I do every year safe driving course).
    I areas of finance, he never said how much he earns (and I do not need to know, but it shoudol not be top secret,I diid not hide this from him). He bought food sometimes, but other costs were on me, only when in mountains he paid meals... mainyl we were driving with my car and when I said he should drive to sometimes, he said no, that he can share costs of fuel.. i did not agree as I wanted to share driving (once he once me). Even when we planned vacation, I paid everything, and the he returned part of his part in several parts... this was really annoying, since i believe he earns more than I do. To go out in restaurant or for a coffe, was waste of time for it was a miracle if we go to dring coffee outside... my friends are dirt for him
    we went apart and back together, he came to my place for weekend, but relationship got worse and worse... nothing wa sgood for him... and I still blind....
    I discovered that he is looking for another girls and even confronting him with proves, he lied and said I am crazy... I asked him why then is he coming still to me- and if he find me as all-inclusive weekend package..he said I am a crazy one.. and still hoped (and sadly I hope still now) have a cance to make thing better, my love is still there...
    All the people that met him, said to me, go away this is not a relationship, he abuse you, he gets everything and you are getting empty... I cannot...
    I know in a way it is only some kind of adiction and I alowed him that he isolated me from outer everything is bad for me, I need to pull mylelf somehow up and start living, start building life from scratch and believing I am ok. I am independent of him, I earn my own money (there was never a together budget, mainly I was paying things), but I became emotionally depende´ing of him no matter how bad he treats me...I cannot easily end this misery, even I know it is a must.. he is one big egoist and probably a narcists too and manipulator ( he shows to the outer world a nice face until everything goes his was, when not everybody else is a piece of shit).
    How to learn not to give all heart to a person, how to learn to love myself more and put myself at no.1?

  • #2
    You just do. I don't have any other explanation for it. You just do - do or die. And it's a matter of survival. If you don't know how to do it, learn it now.

    Usually controlling people generally aren't in control at all. There's chaos at their center and internally they are at war. Learn to smell it from miles away - their fear - but don't prey on their fears and don't get wrapped up in other peoples' issues. I think you need a good sit down and a talk with yourself or with a counsellor or professional. You're too vulnerable and you might want to ask yourself why you evolved this way - was it your family life, previous relationship issues, other emotional damage? There are plenty of men (and women) like him in this world. You need to grow stronger.


    • #3
      Nathalie It's great that you recognize that he is an egotist, narcissist and manipulator. First things first. First, get rid of this loser from your life. What a jerk.

      You learn not to give all your heart to a person by reminding yourself that if you're not 110% sure if a man is "thee one" and a man of great integrity, honor and treats others with respect, he's a waste of your time, energy and brain space. When it came to men, I always paid attention to how they treated others including how he talked about them behind their backs. If there's something shady about a man, they're off my list in less than a second.

      This loser of guy in your life is obviously athletic and he would be happier with a better match such as an athletic woman with all due respect to you. Both of you are mismatched in the athleticism department, personality and character. Either he's happier controlling the relationship or he needs a woman who will put him in his place which I doubt he'll be attracted to because he needs to be the boss.

      He's a jerk because he expects you to become a triathlete. He wants to train you for the Olympics!

      Even though my story is different than yours, I've found that in order for you to build self-confidence, self-esteem and self-worth, you need to divert the focus away from others and concentrate on yourself. For me, it's exercise. It's not a picnic to workout but after I workout, clean up and groom, I'm physically and mentally exhausted which is a good thing. Once, my brain is drained, I no longer have the time and energy for anyone else. To clarify, it's not mountain hiking or anything hardcore.

      I also get busy with my own interests, hobbies and the like as I love to make things with my hands.

      I surround myself with high quality, high caliber people who know how to behave and act properly for life; not just socially. It's not a matter of self-control either. Anything that comes out of the mouth or written form is a reflection of one's heart and mind. No amount of self-control will fix a bad character. I'm with people who are sound, stable, secure, have a moral compass and know how to behave like a decent human being. All the rest in my life, are unimportant to me and if I must cross paths with them, all I can be is civil, no more no less. I can be peaceful without being chummy. The secret is to change yourself, your dynamics and your trajectory in life. If you can't deal and interact with stupid people, don't deal and interact with them anymore.

      With stupid people in your life, if you must interact with them, keep it light, never get personal, talk about the weather, you get the idea. You need to write them off in your mind without giving them another thought. They're dumb as rocks so you need to treat them as such.

      You make yourself #1 by changing the way you think and taking control of your life. You don't allow others to affect and influence you anymore. Don't preoccupy yourself with others because they're certainly not putting the same energy, time, resources and thoughts into you. You concentrate on yourself and your well-being. Others do not have brain space for you and you should repay the favor by doing likewise. Don't care and do what makes YOU happy. Reprogram your brain and do what makes logical sense. This is how you make yourself a priority. Focus on your peace of mind and do whatever it takes to attain it.

      My mother said to find peace at the center and your personal happiness comes from within. Avoid insecure, miserable people because they'll only drag you down with them as misery loves company. Remember that.

      "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."


      • #4
        There is no golden rule on how to leave someone who's bad for you.
        There is no magic tric.

        it's like Rose said. You just do.
        One day you decide you've had enough and that you're going to start taking care of yourself better. And then you just leave.
        And that's the end of it.

        Once the distance is there and he's out of your life, it will be much easier to see him for what he really was. And you'll get sick even thinking of getting back together with him.

        So basically, it all comes down to one thing.
        Do you love yourself enough to do the right thing for yourself?
        You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf


        • #5
          Dear Nathalie we're all different and as you've already noticed he seems to think his way is the only way. That's a problem. People have hard time changing. Even for the goals that are desirable to us, we strugle to reach them. Not to mention the personality changes! If he treats you like this today, he's probably not going to change in the future. It's time you ask yourself "What's my worth?" and listen to an answers by anyone else but him. After that gather your last drop of strenght and act upon the answer you already secretly know and feel.
          "I find this a fascinating phenomenon: the ability we have to manipulate ourselves so that the foundation of our beliefs is never shaken." Muriel Barbery


          • #6
            Dear all, thank you for all the words..I cannot more agree with all that you wrote and I know it is up to me to find the reasons why I attracted him into my life, why I did not set up boundaries immediatelly and why this happened..I need to grow stronger and put in front always what makes me happy...

            the fact is this guy is from the outside very polite and nice to the people..when you meet him at first, you get the impression he is really a nice honest ythen when he is nt getting what he wants, he shows other side... and really I missed the warning signes, when he started to citizies everybody around...for him life is competition in every thing... he has impatience for everything...I should know something is wrong by not meeting any of his friends with his explanation that it makes no sense; when he said first to move togehter but then excused that he does not know what will be with his job...heis family is rich and . he knew from the start that I am no super sport woman and it was no issue, only later he started to push without saying if you do not train you do not advance in life....I can say in life we must go on, but this can be reflected in many other areas not just looked always if he did not get the dosage he became impatient, nervous.... it happened that my friend was dying of cancer and I wanted to visit her before life ends..he said why she is not more took two hours of explanation and fight that we went there...I was shocked how nice and warm he was to her afterwards... now I can say it was just a play ....


            • #7
              Nathalie Your guy (hope soon to be ex-guy) has a Jekkyl and Hyde personality. He is two faced and he sounds like a sociopath. Also, he is a covert narcissist. Avoid people who are off and don't ring true. If you associate with them, they'll drain every ounce of your spirit. Stay faraway from complicated people. They're no good.
              "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."


              • #8
                Dear Chanelle, thank you.... I have my inner fight about this side is saying he is a bad person, another that he is good...I know..the problem is that I have way too much emotions and heart for him..still... and the most wrong thing anybody can do in life..and I did it..that I have him too much time and place in my life...
                All the people that met him , do not have really a good opinion abut him....but seem that I just cannot open my eyes and realize that with him I do not have any good relationship..only when everything goes the way he wants it is oke, otherwise everything is wrong and of course I am the guilty one...he also started to meet girls through different dating sites and for him this is irrelevant.... he just do not get it, that such things are killing relationship even more... well, I know it is solely on me to take my life into my hands... to start all lover again... it is hard as thought are always running into wrong direction...I am trying to occupy myself, but it is hard not to start thinking....
                I am am aware, if I do not stop this and go away totally, my life is in danger. On top I am living in a place that has really nothing to do with me, where people are really closed and it is hard to make a is sad that I blindly followed someone that does not deserve me....nonsense to say, I wish that it would be winter, as summer time and such recovery are hard to combine.....
                In this momenet I am really not happy with my life...nothing is working well... and I need to find a way to go step by step to the light....thank you all for words, they are helping me and I hope I will soon open my eyes, bring back my value and start being just happy


                • #9
                  Nathalie , Anytime. Hope you can take the steps to give yourself the happy life you deserve without him weighing you down like a ball and chain. The main thing is to stop living a dream world and get a reality check which sounds what you're doing gradually. You can't continue on this same track forever. Sooner or later, you need to make a positive change for yourself. Hopefully sooner than later.
                  "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."


                  • #10
                    think of all the drama, the problems and the negativity hes put you through, think of it often. Ask yourself do i deserve better ? Damn right you do. Do you need his shit ? no, you dont. Think of all the things youve done for him and what you got in return. Not much. Make a list with the positive and the negative and look at that list. Is this what you want ? Look at happy people around you that have normal relationshipts. That could be you. But youre wasting your time with someone who does not appreciate you one bit.


                    • #11
                      Dears, thank you for all encouraging words... it is true he does not deserve me, as he is giving nothing that is important to me..only what he wants..and sad is, that he believes only his way, his thinking, his things afre the only right in this world... but more sad is, that I am (even if one part of me knows) still somehow believing he is a good person...
                      It is now so, that we have not much of contacts..I am trying to make step by step to really go out of this misery called "humiliation and slavery"... I need really to learn to put hart aside and put myself in front... and I need to make analysis, why the hell I am the way I am...there must be something within me, that I am attracted to such person..and I need to end this..I deserve a real man, that will accept me as I am and nurture me.....I know relationships are no paradise, but everything can be nice, weven sometimes come ups-downs..
                      I spent one weekend with a good friend, and I was nice to be me again, to smile, so just relax... I see that a biggest mistake was , that I gave to that guy all of my time, neglected my needs to interact with people...this I need to change... sadly I do not have any in the city I live, but I hope this will change... eventually I might move to bigger city as there is easier to meet people...