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Reconnecting with an old friend

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  • Reconnecting with an old friend

    I have been bothered for quite a while over the end of my long distance relationship at the beginning of the year. The reason it bothers me is I reconnected with an old friend of over twenty years on social media. We started talking then things progressed to romantic and we never had a romantic relationship before. Things seemed to be progressing pretty well and after some time, we decided to be exclusive to one another and I was making plans to see him in his hometown. Anyhow, he would make it a point to speak with me everyday, several times a day, and I definitely did not need that kind of attention. My point is if he had to get a hold me, he did; but if I needed to get a hold him, it started to become an issue. At one point, he disappeared for a week and said he was sick/later had to go on an emergency business trip. Personally, I thought it was bullshit, but felt let me talk to him in person. He apologized and everything seemed to go back to normal. It happened again. He said he was meeting friends for dinner and I didn't hear from him three days. This time I asked him what was going on and to just be honest with me. The disappearing act was strange and he was the one who initiated being exclusive. I simply asked him to have a conversation about it and work through it. He told me I was overreacting and he would call me the next day. I didn't hear from him again until a couple of months later where he text just to see if I was up for sexting. The issue that bothers me is this is a guy that was a really good friend of mine and always thought he was such a good guy. I'm so hurt he turned out to be such an asshole and I'm more upset about losing a friend than him as a boyfriend. I recently tried to reach out to see if we could continue being friends. I haven't heard back and won't reach out again. I know I shouldn't want to be friends with him, but it just sucks I lost a friend because I finally let my guard down and trusted him. I just need to vent and any feedback on getting over this would be really appreciated. Sorry so wordy.

  • #2
    mande1448 , No need for apologies. You weren't too wordy. Unfortunately, an innocent friendship from long ago is not the same relationship today. People change. Life's circumstances change. Think about it. There have been so many changes in your life ever since 20 years ago, right? Well, it's the same for everyone else on this Earth. We're not the same anymore. New people entered and left our lives. Many times life becomes harder and harsher and we're not the same carefree, naive souls we once were. Unfortunately, life changes a person's personality and often times, character, too. It's a sad fact of life. I've encountered this same issue with friends and relatives. Dynamics either change or end.

    Keep in mind that friends and boyfriends are two separate camps. I know various men in my life and while they're great socially, I'd never wish to have a relationship with them or be married to them in a million years. No way! They're very nice men as long as I don't have to live with them!

    Friends have boundaries with you and vice versa. It gets more personal in an exclusive relationship and this is when you see warts and all. You see a lot of personality and character flaws which are hidden better if he were only your friend. Or, if you see these flaws as a friend, it's more forgiving because there is still some distance and a healthy divide.

    I'm sorry about your loss of a friend. Yes, it sucks. What helps is accepting that this is life and your life will evolve over time. You'll be disappointed in a lot of people from your past and this day forward which again is part of life. It is only natural. What helps is to lower your expectations of others. The less you expect, the less disappointed you'll feel. Also, consider it an education to weed out the bad apples from your life. It is wisdom gained for you. If something doesn't add up about a person or if they don't ring true (as being honorable types), then in your mind, you have to cut them loose because they're not good for you. It sounds like your standards are high and there's nothing wrong with that. You wish to be treated with respect and dignity. I'm like that, too. You get over it by chalking it up to an unfortunate situation that couldn't be helped. It's not your fault that things went awry. Realize that everyone has personality and character differences and when they're mismatched with you, it won't work out. Please be comforted knowing that you deserve to be treated with respect and as if you matter.

    Also, here's a tip. Even though we live in the Information Age (social media, text, email, IM, etc.) whenever correspondence is instantaneous, a lot of men in particular don't like constant communication and constant texting during every waking hour. It is good to back off and give people space and time. Keep the relationship fresh (with the right guy of course) by not over doing it with endless correspondence 24/7. Some guys think that some women are too high-maintenance and when they feel like the woman becomes a ball and chain, they eventually do a fade out or so I've noticed. Not that this pertains to you and your old friend but it was just a tip for the future.
    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."


    • #3
      mande1448 Yes, he was inconsiderate and rude for him to ask you to be exclusive with him and he over did it with speaking to you several times daily. That is overkill. Then he did his disappearing act for a week. Then on top of that, you didn't hear from him for several months! Next, you heard nothing but crickets. What a jerk. I agree. Good riddance!
      "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."