Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

The Cat is a Homewrecker

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • The Cat is a Homewrecker

    So my BF & I have been together almost 2 years and approximately a year ago we inherited his grandma's sister's cat, after they both passed away.

    Overall, our relationship is amazing EXCEPT I'm jealous of the stupid cat. I know it sounds absolutely preposterous and plain crazy but hear me out.

    I was in an extremely abusive relationship for 10 years...I've gone to counseling & therapy...I'm doing the best that I can to work thru my issues. But this problem is causing me to backslide tremendously and I don't know how to get my BF to realize this is a serious issue and work with me to fix the problem.
    I'll try to explain what he does and hopefully someone has some advice.

    #1 He makes me feel like he cares so much more about this cat than me. For example, last week I had a terrible migraine when I picked him up from work. Honestly, worst one I've ever had...I was crying when he gets in the car, he doesn't acknowledge that I'm crying/hurting. He doesn't ask what's wrong, and definitely didn't ask if could help me in anyway...for reasons I don't care to explain, cat is also in car...it starts to cough up a nasty hairball and I pick him up by the scruff of the neck and put him in the floor, in the car mat. (Easier to clean instead of my backseat & my clothing he was laying on. BF gets angry at me for picking the little bastard up like that. (mind you, I still have a skull splitting migraine...after cat finishes, BF cradles cat, petting him and consoling him. All the while I sit beside him in complete & utter shock. He never once asked me if I was OK, tried to make me feel better or even acknowledge something was wrong with me.

    At night when we get in bed, (this happens almost nightly and makes me feel terrible) I will put my arms around him to cuddle, only to realize he's got his arms around that damn cat, snuggling him. In the middle of the night, he never reaches out for me but will get up and go get the cat if he's not in bed.

    I'm so embarrassed about this, and extremely hurt. He makes me feel like the cat means more to him and that the stupid furball always trumps me. He pays the cat more attention, and definitely shows the cat affection than me. Any time I try to bring this issue up and discuss it with him, he says I'm being crazy, it's ridiculous and I'm wrong to feel like that.

    I know I have my issues and I've been working so hard to repair the damage that has been done to me... But this is driving me mad! My self esteem/confidence is almost nonexistent ATM and I struggle everyday not to sink into depression. This has also made me absolutely despise the cat and he hasn't done anything wrong but I hate him for being part of the issue. Getting rid of him is absolutely not an option, BF would have a conniption fit.

    So how can I get my BF to understand my feelings, and realize he plays a huge role in why I feel this way about the cat

  • #2
    Originally posted by Zenki_drift1122 View Post
    So my BF & I have been together almost 2 years and approximately a year ago we inherited his grandma's sister's cat, after they both passed away.

    Overall, our relationship is amazing EXCEPT I'm jealous of the stupid cat. I know it sounds absolutely preposterous and plain crazy but hear me out.

    I was in an extremely abusive relationship for 10 years...I've gone to counseling & therapy...I'm doing the best that I can to work thru my issues. But this problem is causing me to backslide tremendously and I don't know how to get my BF to realize this is a serious issue and work with me to fix the problem.
    I'll try to explain what he does and hopefully someone has some advice.

    #1 He makes me feel like he cares so much more about this cat than me. For example, last week I had a terrible migraine when I picked him up from work. Honestly, worst one I've ever had...I was crying when he gets in the car, he doesn't acknowledge that I'm crying/hurting. He doesn't ask what's wrong, and definitely didn't ask if could help me in anyway...for reasons I don't care to explain, cat is also in car...it starts to cough up a nasty hairball and I pick him up by the scruff of the neck and put him in the floor, in the car mat. (Easier to clean instead of my backseat & my clothing he was laying on. BF gets angry at me for picking the little bastard up like that. (mind you, I still have a skull splitting migraine...after cat finishes, BF cradles cat, petting him and consoling him. All the while I sit beside him in complete & utter shock. He never once asked me if I was OK, tried to make me feel better or even acknowledge something was wrong with me.

    At night when we get in bed, (this happens almost nightly and makes me feel terrible) I will put my arms around him to cuddle, only to realize he's got his arms around that damn cat, snuggling him. In the middle of the night, he never reaches out for me but will get up and go get the cat if he's not in bed.

    I'm so embarrassed about this, and extremely hurt. He makes me feel like the cat means more to him and that the stupid furball always trumps me. He pays the cat more attention, and definitely shows the cat affection than me. Any time I try to bring this issue up and discuss it with him, he says I'm being crazy, it's ridiculous and I'm wrong to feel like that.

    I know I have my issues and I've been working so hard to repair the damage that has been done to me... But this is driving me mad! My self esteem/confidence is almost nonexistent ATM and I struggle everyday not to sink into depression. This has also made me absolutely despise the cat and he hasn't done anything wrong but I hate him for being part of the issue. Getting rid of him is absolutely not an option, BF would have a conniption fit.

    So how can I get my BF to understand my feelings, and realize he plays a huge role in why I feel this way about the cat
    Please try and relax for a second. All that anxiety and anger isn't good for you especially in the long term. I think you're both dealing with issues differently and not communicating properly. This cat is possibly a last link to his grandmother's side of the family. Lay down boundaries about what is acceptable in the house. Cats are known to favour one person in a household over the rest and this is normal behaviour for them. If the cat is very old he may be also triggered to protect the cat or become protective especially if your behaviour or emotions are unstable.

    You both need to 1) accept that the cat is in your lives and needs care (like any other animal), 2) you need to manage your issues and emotions better so that they are not affecting others and you become a bit more stable and self-reliant in the relationship and 3) you both need to sit down and discuss boundaries regarding the cat.

    You don't need to feel embarrassed. Animals can throw off the dynamic of any relationship if they are mismanaged and if one or more individuals aren't ready for the responsibility of a pet like that. Don't downplay your concerns or feel devalued because it's an animal. Work through it and you both must respect each other. There is a very real possibility that having a cat or a pet like that at all is not a good choice for the both of you. If your boyfriend is unwilling to work with you, you should be making decisions that are best for you. This is one problem. There may be ten problems later down the line and if he shuts you out or isn't able to work with you now, you might want to ask yourself if this is the right person for you in the long term.

    Comment


    • #3
      Tell him either the cat goes or you go. At this rate, he treats the cat as his gf and you're less than an animal. Hope you resolve this. Try adopting the cat out. Both of you inherited his grandma's sister's cat. It would've been better had you inherited $$$$$ instead.
      "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Zenki_drift1122 View Post

        I know I have my issues and I've been working so hard to repair the damage that has been done to me... But this is driving me mad! My self esteem/confidence is almost nonexistent ATM and I struggle everyday not to sink into depression.
        If your jealousy over his attention to his cat is triggering that kind of reaction in you then you should leave if getting rid of the cat isn't an option. You've only been together two years and the cat came into the scene a year in so you've been getting triggered for a year now.

        Tell him you love him but you've got to leave because you can't allow yourself to fall back to square one in your recovery from abuse.

        This has also made me absolutely despise the cat and he hasn't done anything wrong but I hate him for being part of the issue.
        It's obvious you despise the cat by the way you grabbed it by the neck and put it on your car mats. The cat is not the issue, your issues are the issue but the cat is triggering you. Look after yourself and make the change in yourself (which means leaving if you have to in order not be triggered).

        Getting rid of him is absolutely not an option, BF would have a conniption fit.
        Then you get rid of the boyfriend.
        So how can I get my BF to understand my feelings, and realize he plays a huge role in why I feel this way about the cat
        You can tell him how you feel but he's not playing any role in how you feel. He's being a good pet owner who loves his pet and you're being triggered and made to feel jealous over an animal. He doesn't want to get rid of the cat, you can't control him but you can control what you accept for yourself. If you can't take the heat, then get out of the kitchen. As long as you stay and enable him to not have to do a thing but what he's doing, he's not going to change. He may not even if you leave but it's a given that he won't while you put up with it.

        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

        Comment

        Working...
        X