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  • Confused about a past love

    Thanks first and foremost to everyone for your time and views on the matter.

    About 10 years ago I fell in love with my neighbours niece. I was 22, at the time, and she was 20. She was a virgin and well I was a little bit of a player. I knew her Aunt pretty good and one day she mentioned that her Neice wanted to talk to me but she never had a bf,so she's really nervous. I know it's not important but she is beautiful women. She never had a bf because she was sheltered and has high standards.

    We would end up seeing each other almost everyday for months before we started talking and i .asked her out( I found out she only visited because of me. She wanted to see me. A little bit stalker she was, but she did it with innocence) so adorable. I would see her look over to my house and hear her sister say" don't do that. He's gonna think of stalking him. Lol)

    I knew she was it. For me

    We we started dating and we fell in love. We were so greAt together. Best relationship I have ever had. I think we had maybe one disagreement the whole times. Now to my point. I got reassigned with my work, which I had no choice but to move away and I couldn't say where I was going or when I was coming back. I ended up breaking it off, not because of her or us not working. I just felt i would end up causing severe long term hurt and pain.

    she cried and said she didn't want to lose me and would go where ever I would. She couldn't go with me. I parted ways. Hardest choice I ever made.

    I would have married her and we both knew it. Well it's been almost 10 years since I saw her.

    Now I am 32, never married. I want to state, every relationship Ive attempted fails without question. It's like I don't function properly with other women. People ask me why I am not married or have a girlfriend.

    I got a new job and purchased a nice condo back in my hometown. I didn't want to move back but it's how the cards fell. i honestly didn't want too because I would see her. Well the building i purchased happens to be next door to where she works. I couldn't believe the chances. We live in a big city. I see her about two times a week. We don't speak. Mostly at a distance. But I know she's avoiding seeing me now.

    For the first time in years I cried about her. I don't know why.

    Why would she avoid me or not speak to me. I never made any attempts to walk up to her and speak. A good friend of mine mentioned she avoiding all contact, but couldn't say anymore because she didn't know anything else, but just head up from her cousin.


    Whats happening here. Any thoughts? I treated her like gold when we were together. I miss her so much after I saw her. It's like everything came back and time was a flash. I'm not attempting to get back but the avoidance and not saying hi.



    Last edited by JustJames116; May 13th, 2018, 07:22 AM.

  • #2
    Sorry about the grammar. My iPad is terrible and takes forever to edit.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by JustJames116 View Post
      Thanks first and foremost to everyone for your time and views on the matter.

      About 10 years ago I fell in love with my neighbours niece. I was 22, at the time, and she was 20. She was a virgin and well I was a little bit of a player. I knew her Aunt pretty good and one day she mentioned that her Neice wanted to talk to me but she never had a bf,so she's really nervous. I know it's not important but she is beautiful women. She never had a bf because she was sheltered and has high standards.

      We would end up seeing each other almost everyday for months before we started talking and i .asked her out( I found out she only visited because of me. She wanted to see me. A little bit stalker she was, but she did it with innocence) so adorable. I would see her look over to my house and hear her sister say" don't do that. He's gonna think of stalking him. Lol)

      I knew she was it. For me

      We we started dating and we fell in love. We were so greAt together. Best relationship I have ever had. I think we had maybe one disagreement the whole times. Now to my point. I got reassigned with my work, which I had no choice but to move away and I couldn't say where I was going or when I was coming back. I ended up breaking it off, not because of her or us not working. I just felt i would end up causing severe long term hurt and pain.

      she cried and said she didn't want to lose me and would go where ever I would. She couldn't go with me. I parted ways. Hardest choice I ever made.

      I would have married her and we both knew it. Well it's been almost 10 years since I saw her.

      Now I am 32, never married. I want to state, every relationship Ive attempted fails without question. It's like I don't function properly with other women. People ask me why I am not married or have a girlfriend.

      I got a new job and purchased a nice condo back in my hometown. I didn't want to move back but it's how the cards fell. i honestly didn't want too because I would see her. Well the building i purchased happens to be next door to where she works. I couldn't believe the chances. We live in a big city. I see her about two times a week. We don't speak. Mostly at a distance. But I know she's avoiding seeing me now.

      For the first time in years I cried about her. I don't know why.

      Why would she avoid me or not speak to me. I never made any attempts to walk up to her and speak. A good friend of mine mentioned she avoiding all contact, but couldn't say anymore because she didn't know anything else, but just head up from her cousin.


      Whats happening here. Any thoughts? I treated her like gold when we were together. I miss her so much after I saw her. It's like everything came back and time was a flash. I'm not attempting to get back but the avoidance and not saying hi.


      People change a lot in 10 years. When "old" people leave our lives, new people enter our lives. That's life. She's most likely avoiding you because every time she sees you, you remind her of past pain. I've had falling out with people in my past and I certainly would feel very uncomfortable should we cross paths again.

      In your case, you had to break it off because you moved away, moved out of the area for your job yet couldn't explain. I'm sure she is quite bitter and resentful which is understandable. There's nothing you can do about it since as you say, you're not attempting to get back with her. It's a harsh reality check to accept that you need to honor and respect her wishes. She's giving you the cold shoulder. All you can do is become a polite stranger just like the rest of us in public. Who knows? Perhaps she has someone in her life by now. It was what it was. It's time to move on with your own life even though it is difficult. I wish you well.
      "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

      Comment


      • #4
        Thanks,

        Your answer is much appreciated. I haven't been able to open up like that with anyone and your advice really hits home. I guess I have been holding on to her for all these years. I remember when I ended it, she said, maybe one day if u ever make it back home, it will work out.

        I don't really believe in soul mates, but do u think it's healthy or normal to love someone for your whole life.

        my uncle who's a doctor says when people avoid or ignore issues or even people, there's a part of the brain that triggers. It's anger. The body responded with a type of flight or flight response.

        I guess I don't understand why anyone would ignore someone. I loved her so much. I treated her so good. I want the best for her.

        Comment


        • #5
          Why would someone be bitter for 10 years? If she has moved on, maybe a boyfriend, shouldn't she be past me.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by JustJames116 View Post
            Thanks first and foremost to everyone for your time and views on the matter.

            About 10 years ago I fell in love with my neighbours niece. I was 22, at the time, and she was 20. She was a virgin and well I was a little bit of a player. I knew her Aunt pretty good and one day she mentioned that her Neice wanted to talk to me but she never had a bf,so she's really nervous. I know it's not important but she is beautiful women. She never had a bf because she was sheltered and has high standards.

            We would end up seeing each other almost everyday for months before we started talking and i .asked her out( I found out she only visited because of me. She wanted to see me. A little bit stalker she was, but she did it with innocence) so adorable. I would see her look over to my house and hear her sister say" don't do that. He's gonna think of stalking him. Lol)

            I knew she was it. For me

            We we started dating and we fell in love. We were so greAt together. Best relationship I have ever had. I think we had maybe one disagreement the whole times. Now to my point. I got reassigned with my work, which I had no choice but to move away and I couldn't say where I was going or when I was coming back. I ended up breaking it off, not because of her or us not working. I just felt i would end up causing severe long term hurt and pain.

            she cried and said she didn't want to lose me and would go where ever I would. She couldn't go with me. I parted ways. Hardest choice I ever made.

            I would have married her and we both knew it. Well it's been almost 10 years since I saw her.

            Now I am 32, never married. I want to state, every relationship Ive attempted fails without question. It's like I don't function properly with other women. People ask me why I am not married or have a girlfriend.

            I got a new job and purchased a nice condo back in my hometown. I didn't want to move back but it's how the cards fell. i honestly didn't want too because I would see her. Well the building i purchased happens to be next door to where she works. I couldn't believe the chances. We live in a big city. I see her about two times a week. We don't speak. Mostly at a distance. But I know she's avoiding seeing me now.

            For the first time in years I cried about her. I don't know why.

            Why would she avoid me or not speak to me. I never made any attempts to walk up to her and speak. A good friend of mine mentioned she avoiding all contact, but couldn't say anymore because she didn't know anything else, but just head up from her cousin.


            Whats happening here. Any thoughts? I treated her like gold when we were together. I miss her so much after I saw her. It's like everything came back and time was a flash. I'm not attempting to get back but the avoidance and not saying hi.


            you couldn't tell her where you were leaving to?yet you loved her!she moved on with her life now do the same

            Comment


            • #7
              I guess I don't understand why anyone would ignore someone. I loved her so much. I treated her so good. I want the best for her.
              With all due respect, James. Get over yourself. People who "love someone so much don't up and leave them... they work out the distance or they allow the move together. She was after all willing to move anywhere to be with you.

              What do you mean you couldn't tell her where you were going. Were/are you the FBI, CIA, Special Ops out on deployment?

              She's probably with someone new now and she doesn't want you fucking up her life by getting her involved with you again in any capacity.

              Leave her alone and get over yourself. You left her, you made a decision and she doesn't have to say hello to you.
              Zero contact is how we get to the stage of indifference. She's at that stage now you need to get there.
              "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by JustJames116 View Post
                Thanks,

                Your answer is much appreciated. I haven't been able to open up like that with anyone and your advice really hits home. I guess I have been holding on to her for all these years. I remember when I ended it, she said, maybe one day if u ever make it back home, it will work out.

                I don't really believe in soul mates, but do u think it's healthy or normal to love someone for your whole life.

                my uncle who's a doctor says when people avoid or ignore issues or even people, there's a part of the brain that triggers. It's anger. The body responded with a type of flight or flight response.

                I guess I don't understand why anyone would ignore someone. I loved her so much. I treated her so good. I want the best for her.

                Why would someone be bitter for 10 years? If she has moved on, maybe a boyfriend, shouldn't she be past me.

                No problem, James. It's understandable that you've held onto her in your heart all these years. You yearn for the past and what could've been. Even though she said maybe you can rekindle your relationship with her when you get back home, think about it, 10 years is not 10 days, 10 weeks nor 10 months. 10 years is a very long, long time to wait for you back home. It is a whole decade of nothing but major changes in everyone's lives! Life changes drastically for people, people change and we're not the same people as you had remembered 10 years ago. Life gets so very busy for everyone, dynamics change, some people marry, have kids, change jobs, move, meet new people, get rid of some people and life evolves because this is what life is.

                If she held her word regarding rekindling her relationship with you, she wouldn't ignore you publicly as she currently does. Her actions speak louder than words and her actions are telling you that she has since moved on with your life without you despite your remorse and regrets. I'm sorry about this harsh reality check. I'm sure you don't enjoy it. No one would.

                I believe in soul mates because I married my husband. I believe in soul mates if it's the right person and if conditions to remain together are optimal. If it is otherwise, then no, I don't believe in soulmates because the relationship feels too scattered and unstable.

                You're uncle is right regarding people who ignore as angry and their fight or flight response. I'll even add, hurt. I can't speak for your ex but we share some parallels in how we feel. I don't want anything to do with those who've hurt me in the past. It's internal retaliation to take the passive aggressive route such as ignoring, feeling numb or indifferent towards the perpetrator who burned us sorely. First, it's anger, then pain, then healing and lastly, the perpetrator becomes a complete stranger once more. It's not a matter of picking up right where you left off because it's awkward and not very many people desire to start all over again with getting to know you (or anybody), nurture, cultivate and maintain a new relationship all over again. It is unrealistic to expect this fantasy. (Not that you would but it's hopeless to hope.) It's too much work, too much hassle and there's loss of interest. It is human nature. Normally, a past loved doesn't sit at home for a decade and wait for anyone to come home. They've since moved on long ago.

                Why would anyone ignore someone? Because they don't care anymore. 10 years is a heck of a long time to think and stew about what was in the past. Over time, I'm sorry to say, you've become nothing but a blur and someone from her past a long time ago. She's most likely way passed the bitterness stage. She's at the "I could care less" or indifferent stage by now. Most likely, she has a new love in her life as well. The current person in her life has since replaced her entire brain space and you are her distant albeit painful memory, unfortunately. Also, she (and others the world over) have the out of sight out of mind mentality.

                Hope you recover from your "what could've been" loss, James. Dwelling on her is unhealthy. Hope you can move on as did she.
                "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

                Comment


                • #9
                  Thanks Chanelle

                  I think you really help put things into perspective and help me better understand.

                  I just feel like I did something wrong.





                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Maybe I should mention. I never had any intention of getting back with her. Not for a minute.10 years is a long time. I was just confused about why someone wouldn't say hello. I was half way around the world. The last time I saw her she was leaving my car. Two days later I was gone.

                    My first day back, in 10 years, I was out shopping for house things, I believe it was 8:30 in the morning, and what happens I run into her Aunt and sister. She was there, but I think she walked away because they keep looking to an area. Anyways, thanks for all the thoughts and advice. I appreciate it.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      CIA, FBI, Special Ops on deployment??????????????????? Why couldn't you tell her where you were going? Why couldn't you keep in touch or take her with you?
                      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by JustJames116 View Post
                        Thanks Chanelle

                        I think you really help put things into perspective and help me better understand.

                        I just feel like I did something wrong.




                        No problem, James. Take time to heal your heart. Everyone makes mistakes big and small. All you can do is learn from them and become a better person from this day forward. Intelligent people learn from their mistakes and improve whereas others are so stupid and ignorant that they repeat their same mistakes repeatedly. You sound smart and you'll proceed with a new awareness regarding improving yourself as a decent human being and choosing good future people in your life.
                        "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          You broke up with her, buddy. Why should she say a word to you or even smile at you. She's probably still hurt and stunned. She may even still have residual feelings for you but she's more rational these days and doesn't want to get hurt again.

                          Don't be weird and just say hello to her. I don't know about you but I would have definitely struck up a conversation and been a bit more friendly. I don't know what you're doing. Are you sort of standing at your balcony watching her walk to and from work or eyeing her on her lunch break from your front door?

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                          • #14
                            Thanks for all the thoughts/advice on the matter.

                            Haha. Actually that is what she did to me when we first starting dating....She would visit her aunt when I was coming home from work along time ago. They would sit on the porch and when I would get home she would run inside to fix her hair. Its a nice memory. One time, before we dated, she drove an hour when she found out I wanted to talk to her. Just so she could see me. Her aunt told me and she eventually confessed later on and she was so embarrassed. As I look back. It was one of the best memories I can think of.

                            I guess i will never understand the avoidance thing, but It was hard for both of us to split. I just never imagined us not being able to say hello. It might not make a whole lot of sense, but we were great together and I will forever love her.

                            Thanks

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Still not answering that question about why you couldn't tell her where you were going or why, eh?
                              "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                              Comment

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