Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Should I leave? Am I being selfsish

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Should I leave? Am I being selfsish

    I am in an 8 year relationship married for 3 of them. There are kids, one grown out of the house that is my daughter, he has three kids 12 yo girl 14 yo boy girl twins. During this relationship I have been the bread winner, house keeper and accountant. He would cook and do laundry. When he got laid off the fist time in our relationship he was off work for about 9 month before I finally got him a job with my company. This was to be temporary. If he was not my husband, I would have had him fired for his work. He was taken off the account we both worked on affectingly getting laid off. He got a few hour here and there but nothing over 15 hours a week. It took him almost a year to find another job. And of course during the time he was laid off he didn't go to school, get new certs. nothing. Meanwhile, I work full time go to school full time and keep the house up. Since he didn't make enough money and we have never had a joint checking account, he would constantly take money out of my account to cover his overdrafts. Causing my account to overdraw because he wouldn't tell me. I finally went to the bank and put the breaks on that. I also kicked him, his kids and my kid (who is 24) off of my cell account. I was paying over 500 a month for phones. I paid for my moms too, but my mom is awesome and I would crawl over glass for her.

    Let's take a breath and review what we have so far. Three kids live with us. He doesn't make enough money, we have separate bank accounts due to transferring abuse and I kicked everyone off my cell phone plan so I only have to pay for one phone, mine.

    His kids are smart. They all get good grades and participate in the Nerd sports, for math science etc. The boy twin and the 12 yo will not listen to me. Probably because there mother is telling them they don't have to listen to me. I have an office and when I buy pop or cookies I put them in there or they will be gone in a matter of hours. They know they are not supposed to go in there but stuff keeps vanishing. So I put a lock on the door. I had one key with me and one key hidden in the kitchen. Two twelve packs. ingredients for smores and some popcorn were in the office. Within in 2 days of there return from their mothers, they went thru 12 cans of pop all but 2 packs of pop corn and 5 candy bars. I discovered this about 9 at night. I woke them up to yell at them. I went off the damn rails. I couldn't believe that they were either sneaking in there when I was home or found the key and went in a locked office when I was not home. I was so angry that I thought I was going to pass out. I saw little stars in my side vision. Both boy 14 and girl 12 lied to me threw each under the bus and of course called their mother to report the injustice that had been bestowed on them. Here is where it gets really bad, I wanted to explain to there mom why I was so upset. Not only was food gone, but money. All she can say to me is "It is sad that you feel the need to lock up treats from the kids". I lost it at that point. I emptied my office of anything the kids might want by throwing it their rooms. And down the hallway to their rooms. One can of pop exploded. I am not proud of what I did, but I was so angry I felt if I did not do something physically I was going to explode. To top this all off, my husband can only start crying and say he is such a bad dad. But I don't think he has talked to them about what they did and why it was so wrong.

    Everyday I carry a feeling of being violated, this terrible anxiety and anger. This family has drained me of everything. I try to remind my husband he needs to back me up on these things and that he will live with me longer than he will with his kids.

    Oh and just to make this literally the worse situation ever, we are in the middle of filing chapter 13 because we are so broke.

    There is also the no sex part. He expects me to hug and hold him. Comfort him but refuses to have sex with me for over a year. I can recite the excuses. Guys I really feel for you, it sucks not getting any.

    So what do I do? Am I being a bad wife for wanting to leave? I just need help before I do something stupid.

  • #2
    I think you need to tell him everything about how you feel. And tell him that unless he gets help and a job, you can no longer. For money .. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. You do deserve better. The question is: do you think he will ever shape up? If the answer is yes, try giving him another chance. A short timeline to get a job and shape up. If the answer is no, it might be time to go separate ways.

    I financially supported my boyfriend for a year, because he was low on money to pay for college. I'm almost 22, also going through college myself. Racked up debt to take of him and myself. And he tells me he wants a break, then drunkenly sleeps with his friend he said I didn't need to worry. Has been super depressed, begging for me back, saying he hates himself, and promising to change. He's never done anything like this to anyone else, and part of the reason was because I haven't been very sexual in a month or so. But here I am, broke, and heartbroken. So I'm hoping for some insight on this as well.

    Like, it seems like the logical choice is to leave. But your history is also important. I wish you the best of luck deciding everything

    Comment


    • #3
      He did find a job. I forgot to put that in there. But it still doesn't pay enough. And when I try and talk to him he cries and throws a fit.

      Comment


      • #4
        Ah, I see. He sounds quite immature for his age. It sounds like he may need some professional help, which I'm sure he probably can't afford right now. Is the mother of his kids financially stable? If she is, is she helping with them at all? Money is hard to come by these days, and trying to support multiple children without a lot of income is a difficult thing to do. I don't think you're selfish for wanting to leave. But I'd imagine the mother would have to take care of the kids at that point, though. Do you still love him? Do you want things to work out?

        Leaving is so hard when you have a lot of shared history. And many times it's the right choice. You have to do what's best for you. If you feel you can't be without him, things will work out in the end. If you haven't been happy in the relationship for a long time, and you're drained of money, and can't see things getting better, then I think it's time to move on.

        Comment


        • #5
          Oh I could be without him. In fact I often think of how great it would be if I could get a remote job and get a camper and just travel and work. I am old and I don't plan on ever getting into another relationship if this one ends. I know everyone says that but I won't get involved with someone with kids again. Very few men at 40 something don't have kids. You are young Heather. Please take it forma woman who regrets everything in my life. Dump the guy you are with. Do what you want. Dont be like me. Middle aged miserable and broke.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by SunnyWho View Post
            I am in an 8 year relationship married for 3 of them. There are kids, one grown out of the house that is my daughter, he has three kids 12 yo girl 14 yo boy girl twins. During this relationship I have been the bread winner, house keeper and accountant. He would cook and do laundry. When he got laid off the fist time in our relationship he was off work for about 9 month before I finally got him a job with my company. This was to be temporary. If he was not my husband, I would have had him fired for his work. He was taken off the account we both worked on affectingly getting laid off. He got a few hour here and there but nothing over 15 hours a week. It took him almost a year to find another job. And of course during the time he was laid off he didn't go to school, get new certs. nothing. Meanwhile, I work full time go to school full time and keep the house up. Since he didn't make enough money and we have never had a joint checking account, he would constantly take money out of my account to cover his overdrafts. Causing my account to overdraw because he wouldn't tell me. I finally went to the bank and put the breaks on that. I also kicked him, his kids and my kid (who is 24) off of my cell account. I was paying over 500 a month for phones. I paid for my moms too, but my mom is awesome and I would crawl over glass for her.

            Let's take a breath and review what we have so far. Three kids live with us. He doesn't make enough money, we have separate bank accounts due to transferring abuse and I kicked everyone off my cell phone plan so I only have to pay for one phone, mine.

            His kids are smart. They all get good grades and participate in the Nerd sports, for math science etc. The boy twin and the 12 yo will not listen to me. Probably because there mother is telling them they don't have to listen to me. I have an office and when I buy pop or cookies I put them in there or they will be gone in a matter of hours. They know they are not supposed to go in there but stuff keeps vanishing. So I put a lock on the door. I had one key with me and one key hidden in the kitchen. Two twelve packs. ingredients for smores and some popcorn were in the office. Within in 2 days of there return from their mothers, they went thru 12 cans of pop all but 2 packs of pop corn and 5 candy bars. I discovered this about 9 at night. I woke them up to yell at them. I went off the damn rails. I couldn't believe that they were either sneaking in there when I was home or found the key and went in a locked office when I was not home. I was so angry that I thought I was going to pass out. I saw little stars in my side vision. Both boy 14 and girl 12 lied to me threw each under the bus and of course called their mother to report the injustice that had been bestowed on them. Here is where it gets really bad, I wanted to explain to there mom why I was so upset. Not only was food gone, but money. All she can say to me is "It is sad that you feel the need to lock up treats from the kids". I lost it at that point. I emptied my office of anything the kids might want by throwing it their rooms. And down the hallway to their rooms. One can of pop exploded. I am not proud of what I did, but I was so angry I felt if I did not do something physically I was going to explode. To top this all off, my husband can only start crying and say he is such a bad dad. But I don't think he has talked to them about what they did and why it was so wrong.

            Everyday I carry a feeling of being violated, this terrible anxiety and anger. This family has drained me of everything. I try to remind my husband he needs to back me up on these things and that he will live with me longer than he will with his kids.

            Oh and just to make this literally the worse situation ever, we are in the middle of filing chapter 13 because we are so broke.

            There is also the no sex part. He expects me to hug and hold him. Comfort him but refuses to have sex with me for over a year. I can recite the excuses. Guys I really feel for you, it sucks not getting any.

            So what do I do? Am I being a bad wife for wanting to leave? I just need help before I do something stupid.
            The toxic situation requires cooperation from a number of individuals before there is change. Ask yourself whether all the individuals involved are committed to changing. If the answer is no, you know what to do.

            Don't operate on fear. Fear of the unknown traps us into lesser and lesser versions of ourselves. One day you won't recognize who you are anymore and you may already be at that point. Break out of that fear and don't be afraid to start over. Love yourself, be kind to yourself. Take care of you and rebuild.

            Comment


            • #7
              Why haven't you ended this? I know it takes courage, especially if you are codependent in nature but don't you think you should have left him when he withdrew funds without your permission?

              Don't you think you should have left when the kids welded the straw that broke the came's back by breaking into your office instead of going ape-shit?

              Believe me I know the frustration of going to get something only to find it's all gone but it's not ape-shit worthy.

              You're at your wits end so get yourself out of there, start the process by seeing a lawyer and securing your assets. I hope you're not in a town/city that has a 50/50 split of assets if you've been living together for more then a couple of years. That would really suck for you.

              If you're too afraid to start the process then get yourself into therapy to help you with your codependency. Most who are not codependent would have exited long before the straw that broke the camels back.

              "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by SunnyWho View Post
                He did find a job. I forgot to put that in there. But it still doesn't pay enough. And when I try and talk to him he cries and throws a fit.
                Good that he found a job. Let him cry and throw a fit. Still talk to him though. If you can't get through to him, plan your exit sometime in the future. When you get the chance, leave him and his kids. They're his and his ex's responsibility. You've already raised your daughter and thankfully she left the nest. You deserve to be happy and you don't need all the crap you're dealing with as of late. The crap you're dealing with is for the insane. Let those insane people spin in their own world while you have a breath of fresh air and carve out a new life for yourself. As soon as you can pay off BK, get out and stay out. Don't look back. Just look forward to a fresh start. Hope it works out for you.
                "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

                Comment


                • #9
                  I have made a decision to leave. My anxiety is thru the roof. But that I suppose is to be expected. I am not going to put up with this crap from his kids anymore. And it is only going to get worse and I will get stuck with the bill when they do something worse. It will take some time as I need to save some money. I have been starting to get cash every payday and setting it aside. Since I can't trust anyone in the house I live in, I am going to have my mom hold it for me. I have also decided that I need to just move. Travel, not stay in one spot. I am going to buy a camper. I know that it sounds crazy. But the thought of signing a lease is terrifying. I can't even commit to one year in one place right now that is how broken I am right now. A good friend of mine and his son remodel campers on the side so when I have money they can help me find a good deal. And since the dad is retired, he will probably go with me for the first few weeks. Just til I get settled. I have also started looking for another job that will allow me to work remotely. I talked to a recruiter today and got my resume to him. This is a long term plan. I need a while to save money on the down low to afford a decent camper. And we can do an uncontested divorce with no lawyers. I don't want anything from him. Just my freedom and my name back. I will probably need much more advice so please keep talking to me. You don't know how much this means to me, that you all responded to me.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by SunnyWho View Post
                    I have made a decision to leave. My anxiety is thru the roof. But that I suppose is to be expected. I am not going to put up with this crap from his kids anymore. And it is only going to get worse and I will get stuck with the bill when they do something worse. It will take some time as I need to save some money. I have been starting to get cash every payday and setting it aside. Since I can't trust anyone in the house I live in, I am going to have my mom hold it for me. I have also decided that I need to just move. Travel, not stay in one spot. I am going to buy a camper. I know that it sounds crazy. But the thought of signing a lease is terrifying. I can't even commit to one year in one place right now that is how broken I am right now. A good friend of mine and his son remodel campers on the side so when I have money they can help me find a good deal. And since the dad is retired, he will probably go with me for the first few weeks. Just til I get settled. I have also started looking for another job that will allow me to work remotely. I talked to a recruiter today and got my resume to him. This is a long term plan. I need a while to save money on the down low to afford a decent camper. And we can do an uncontested divorce with no lawyers. I don't want anything from him. Just my freedom and my name back. I will probably need much more advice so please keep talking to me. You don't know how much this means to me, that you all responded to me.
                    Wise decision. I'm glad you've made your decision to leave. You don't need this insanity. Save your sanity and you're headed in the right direction. It's time to take responsibility for your own happiness. Freedom and independence will be worth saving your soul.
                    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Is moving in with your mom an option ? Believe me, I get it. The thought of doing so is probably something that you're like "Oh, God no. I'm (insert age here) and the last thing I want to do is 'move back home' "
                      Imagine how much more you could save, if you didn't have to provide for them ?
                      Imagine how much sooner you would start healing, by completely removing yourself from that which has broken you ?

                      FYI : I think your plan to work remotely and travel in a camper is a beautifully liberating idea !
                      The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by SunnyWho View Post
                        I have made a decision to leave. My anxiety is thru the roof. But that I suppose is to be expected. I am not going to put up with this crap from his kids anymore. And it is only going to get worse and I will get stuck with the bill when they do something worse. It will take some time as I need to save some money. I have been starting to get cash every payday and setting it aside. Since I can't trust anyone in the house I live in, I am going to have my mom hold it for me. I have also decided that I need to just move. Travel, not stay in one spot. I am going to buy a camper. I know that it sounds crazy. But the thought of signing a lease is terrifying. I can't even commit to one year in one place right now that is how broken I am right now. A good friend of mine and his son remodel campers on the side so when I have money they can help me find a good deal. And since the dad is retired, he will probably go with me for the first few weeks. Just til I get settled. I have also started looking for another job that will allow me to work remotely. I talked to a recruiter today and got my resume to him. This is a long term plan. I need a while to save money on the down low to afford a decent camper. And we can do an uncontested divorce with no lawyers. I don't want anything from him. Just my freedom and my name back. I will probably need much more advice so please keep talking to me. You don't know how much this means to me, that you all responded to me.
                        Wishing you the best. What a great idea.

                        Comment

                        Working...
                        X