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Boyfriend wants a break, sleeps with another girl, and begs for me back the next day

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  • Boyfriend wants a break, sleeps with another girl, and begs for me back the next day

    Alright, so I dated this guy (let's call him Jay) for almost a year. Before I get into what happened, I'll give some insight into our relationship. I met him May of last year, and we fell in love very hard and fast. There was a lot of chemistry. So much so that I gave my virginity to him. That fall, I needed a roommate for my apartment, and he needed to find an apartment in the same town, so we moved in together. Everything went really well. Although, there was this girl that he had been friends with for a long time, and she would always flirt with him. Let's call her "R". She always told him how happy she was for us, because she's never seem him so in love. She would tell him how she wanted to meet me so badly. However, the only times she was available to spend time with him, was when I was conveniently not around. She always made me anxious, but I trusted him.

    We are college students, both studying engineering. It is a very demanding major. I was in my senior year, he his freshman year. In age, we are a year apart, he took a few years off of school in the past. The spring semester of school put me under a lot of stress. In the spring semester I had no time for my friendd, family, and very little time for my man. He got lonely, and wasn't very happy with me. Plus I was always stressed beyond belief and rarely in a good mood. I don't blame him for losing some feelings.

    summer cones around, and I try to kinda make up for it, see if despite everything, I could get things back to the way they were. I tried, but nothing was working. He told me that he wasn't happy. And he didn't know if he just wasn't happy with himself, or if it was with me. Told me he wanted to take a break, see how things are without me. I was heartbroken, but I hoped he would comeback sometime soon. He said he wanted a couple weeks. I stayed with my parents, and he went to our apartment.

    I was heartbroken and distraught that night. Feelings of not being good enough, etc. I gave him everything. My virginity, my money ... he was incredibly low on cash and his parents refused to help him, even with his hospital bills. So I helped him, because I loved him.

    On his end, he was distraught, and lonely. We hadn't had sex in a long time because of schedule mostly .. going to bed at different times, being busy in the day. Plus high stress really dampens your mood. But the lack of sex had put strain on him. He tries calling his guy friends, but they're busy. So he calls R, and she is most definitely free. He tells her all his sorrows, tells her that we broke up, and then proceeds to drink all of my alcohol with her. They watch netflix, which quickly turns into Netflix and chill. He says he was so drunk, he barely remembers anything. Which makes sense, he almost drank a whole fifth to himself (he rarely drinks). They banged, went to bed together, and when he wakes up, he feels like trash. He instantly regrets everything he's done, comes crawling back to me and tells me everything.

    My heart sunk. He had always assured me he had no feelings for her, and he still claims that. He says he was drunk and horny, and wasn't thinking like himself. He says he knows he's a piece of s*** and doesn't deserve me back, but wants a second chance. He's been blowing up my phone, telling me he'd do anything for me. He never wants to see or talk to her ever again because he never even liked her like that. She was literally just a vagina that was there when he was drunk to him. She also regrets her decisions immensely, because I talked to her. I felt the need, because she had always been the one saying how happy she was for us. She's been cheated on and lied to in the past, many times, and promised herself ahe would never be the other woman. And here she was, doing exactly that. But she slept around all the time, anyhow.

    he's been blowing up my phone for 2 days now, telling me how horrible he feels, how it was the biggest mistake of his life, and how he will do anything it takes to make it up to me. Said he'd sell his beloved car to pay me back right now if I wanted. Says that I'm the only girl for him, and he hates himself for what he's done. The list goes on, he seems genuinely sorry.

    All of my friends think I should leave and never look back. They say I deserve better, and he'll probably do it again. In the past, he's never done anything like this. He was always the one cheated on or left. And now that he's done something similar to someone else, he hates himself and is borderline suicidal because he thinks he just threw away all of dreams. He wanted to be with me forever.

    Should I take him back? What I don't understand is that he seems to have forgotten why he broke it off in the first place. He says he took me for granted, and will never let it happen again.

    Any insight as to what I should do is greatly appreciated!

  • #2
    Don't take him back. He has proven he is not boyfriend material

    Comment


    • #3
      I guess my problem is that, had he kept this a secret, I would have never known and gone right back to him. But he decided to be honest about it .. should that count for something? He even said he'd never drink again, and we were technically on a break. Says his drunk mind just told himself he was single and could do what he wanted. It's sleazy and wrong, and he knows that now that's sober. I wanted to marry this guy .. and he me. It's hard to just let him go ..... But I'm also struggling to forgive. It was our appartment. My alcohol .. my bed .. *pukes*

      Comment


      • #4
        This was a plot point for about 8 years on Friends. "We were on a break". It was something that Rachael had a tough time getting over. I think from a womens point of view since we are emotional creatures, we were so easily replaced and that is the part that hurts. For the guy he is just getting his rocks off.. Not all men are like this but a lot of them are. Leave him in the dust.

        Comment


        • #5
          He wants nothing to do with her. He genuinely hates himself for it, and hates her. They blocked each other on all forms of media .. I don't think he was replacing me .. I'm not trying to defend him, but I am curious if anyone thinks I should give him another chance. He made a huge huge mistake .. But did everything right after, in telling me immediately. Where is the line? What mistakes are too big to forgive?
          Last edited by Heather_the_engineer; May 12th, 2018, 10:42 AM.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Heather_the_engineer View Post
            He wants nothing to do with her. He genuinely hates himself for it, and hates her. They blocked each other on all forms of media .. I don't think he was replacing me .. I'm not trying to defend him, but I am curious if anyone thinks I should give him another chance. He made a huge huge mistake .. But did everything right after, in telling me immediately. Where is the line? What mistakes are too big to forgive?
            I don't think he was replacing you either. There is more to you and him then just sex.

            You don't want to leave him so don't. He's blocked and deleted her, he won't talk to her anymore. I'd be putting an addendum in there that he doesn't make any new friends of the opposite sex as well.

            He will drink again likely so don't hold that against him. As long as he's not hanging out one on one with some chick he's totally familiar with then drinking socially shouldn't be a problem.

            Did you have a talk about him being a big boy and not throwing everything you two have built together out the window again should you get busy and life gets in the way and you're unable to be there for him 24/7? If you're going to stay with him, he needs to be mature enough to whether storms during your relationship. This is extremely important, as is communication (and a chance to remedy before exiting stage left) if ALL long term relationships.
            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Heather_the_engineer View Post
              Alright, so I dated this guy (let's call him Jay) for almost a year. Before I get into what happened, I'll give some insight into our relationship. I met him May of last year, and we fell in love very hard and fast. There was a lot of chemistry. So much so that I gave my virginity to him. That fall, I needed a roommate for my apartment, and he needed to find an apartment in the same town, so we moved in together. Everything went really well. Although, there was this girl that he had been friends with for a long time, and she would always flirt with him. Let's call her "R". She always told him how happy she was for us, because she's never seem him so in love. She would tell him how she wanted to meet me so badly. However, the only times she was available to spend time with him, was when I was conveniently not around. She always made me anxious, but I trusted him.

              We are college students, both studying engineering. It is a very demanding major. I was in my senior year, he his freshman year. In age, we are a year apart, he took a few years off of school in the past. The spring semester of school put me under a lot of stress. In the spring semester I had no time for my friendd, family, and very little time for my man. He got lonely, and wasn't very happy with me. Plus I was always stressed beyond belief and rarely in a good mood. I don't blame him for losing some feelings.

              summer cones around, and I try to kinda make up for it, see if despite everything, I could get things back to the way they were. I tried, but nothing was working. He told me that he wasn't happy. And he didn't know if he just wasn't happy with himself, or if it was with me. Told me he wanted to take a break, see how things are without me. I was heartbroken, but I hoped he would comeback sometime soon. He said he wanted a couple weeks. I stayed with my parents, and he went to our apartment.

              I was heartbroken and distraught that night. Feelings of not being good enough, etc. I gave him everything. My virginity, my money ... he was incredibly low on cash and his parents refused to help him, even with his hospital bills. So I helped him, because I loved him.

              On his end, he was distraught, and lonely. We hadn't had sex in a long time because of schedule mostly .. going to bed at different times, being busy in the day. Plus high stress really dampens your mood. But the lack of sex had put strain on him. He tries calling his guy friends, but they're busy. So he calls R, and she is most definitely free. He tells her all his sorrows, tells her that we broke up, and then proceeds to drink all of my alcohol with her. They watch netflix, which quickly turns into Netflix and chill. He says he was so drunk, he barely remembers anything. Which makes sense, he almost drank a whole fifth to himself (he rarely drinks). They banged, went to bed together, and when he wakes up, he feels like trash. He instantly regrets everything he's done, comes crawling back to me and tells me everything.

              My heart sunk. He had always assured me he had no feelings for her, and he still claims that. He says he was drunk and horny, and wasn't thinking like himself. He says he knows he's a piece of s*** and doesn't deserve me back, but wants a second chance. He's been blowing up my phone, telling me he'd do anything for me. He never wants to see or talk to her ever again because he never even liked her like that. She was literally just a vagina that was there when he was drunk to him. She also regrets her decisions immensely, because I talked to her. I felt the need, because she had always been the one saying how happy she was for us. She's been cheated on and lied to in the past, many times, and promised herself ahe would never be the other woman. And here she was, doing exactly that. But she slept around all the time, anyhow.

              he's been blowing up my phone for 2 days now, telling me how horrible he feels, how it was the biggest mistake of his life, and how he will do anything it takes to make it up to me. Said he'd sell his beloved car to pay me back right now if I wanted. Says that I'm the only girl for him, and he hates himself for what he's done. The list goes on, he seems genuinely sorry.

              All of my friends think I should leave and never look back. They say I deserve better, and he'll probably do it again. In the past, he's never done anything like this. He was always the one cheated on or left. And now that he's done something similar to someone else, he hates himself and is borderline suicidal because he thinks he just threw away all of dreams. He wanted to be with me forever.

              Should I take him back? What I don't understand is that he seems to have forgotten why he broke it off in the first place. He says he took me for granted, and will never let it happen again.

              Any insight as to what I should do is greatly appreciated!
              One and done. No, don't take him back! You can do better. Next time, choose a man who isn't a drama king. Choose a man who is stable, has his act together and no so pathetic. In other words, choose a normal man who won't give you such a dramatic, complicated, stressful life.
              "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

              Comment


              • #8
                He's just been very sincere and honest. Does honesty count for nothing in this situation, considering the circumstances? All of his friends told him to never tell me. But he told me anyway, the same day.. And he's been desperately trying to convince me that this will never happen again. I guess I was raised to forgiveness is an important factor in ones overall happiness. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to forgive. But I'll have to do it eventually, no matter what choice I make. I don't want to remain bitter forever ...

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Heather_the_engineer View Post
                  ..... But I'm also struggling to forgive. It was our appartment. My alcohol .. my bed .. *pukes*
                  If you can erase the above from your mind, then give him a second chance.

                  My bet is that your argument about how honest he was and how genuinely sorry he feels, will be trumped by the fact that you won't be able to look at your bed without seeing them in it together.

                  I think the title to your post (that you chose) says it all.
                  The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Heather_the_engineer View Post
                    He's just been very sincere and honest. Does honesty count for nothing in this situation, considering the circumstances? All of his friends told him to never tell me. But he told me anyway, the same day.. And he's been desperately trying to convince me that this will never happen again. I guess I was raised to forgiveness is an important factor in ones overall happiness. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to forgive. But I'll have to do it eventually, no matter what choice I make. I don't want to remain bitter forever ...
                    Forgiveness is important for select reasons but beware that forgiveness has the power to change for the good or the worse. Realistically speaking, if you're talking about the salvation of your soul or some such spirituality or self-help, forgive till thy kingdom come if you wish. You forgive the act and you forgive yourself for having anything to do with him. But it doesn't necessarily mean that you let him into your life again. I think that is unwise and foolish.

                    Your first post was remarkably clear-minded. I'd like to see what you'll come up with and how you feel two weeks from now or one month from now. If you don't feel ready to make a decision, wait on it. People like this man usually don't last very long and don't have the endurance it takes to survive a long term relationship. You should take care of you, above all. Good luck.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Heather_the_engineer View Post
                      He's just been very sincere and honest. Does honesty count for nothing in this situation, considering the circumstances? All of his friends told him to never tell me. But he told me anyway, the same day.. And he's been desperately trying to convince me that this will never happen again. I guess I was raised to forgiveness is an important factor in ones overall happiness. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to forgive. But I'll have to do it eventually, no matter what choice I make. I don't want to remain bitter forever ...
                      Forgive means to move on but it doesn't mean you forget nor trust again. It takes a long time to reach the point of forgiveness. Time heals. It took me years to forgive those who've wronged me and to this day I always stop at a certain point with people in my life by not being too nice.

                      Yes, honesty counts. However, the real question is do you wish to risk getting hurt in the future? If you're willing to gamble, go for it. If you wish to be cautious and play it safer, then think otherwise IMHO.
                      "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Thank you all for your honest opinions. Frankly I think the best thing for me to do in this situation at this point is to wait. Give myself some time, and see how I feel about things. Any more insight anyone is willing to add is also appreciated, thank you all for your help.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Heather_the_engineer View Post
                          Thank you all for your honest opinions. Frankly I think the best thing for me to do in this situation at this point is to wait. Give myself some time, and see how I feel about things. Any more insight anyone is willing to add is also appreciated, thank you all for your help.
                          Give yourself quiet time to think long and hard. Get rid of all distractions so you can focus and concentrate to sort things out.
                          "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            I think you deep down already know what to do .

                            With that being said , giving yourself some time , seems like the most reasonable idea .

                            Giving him another chance seems reasonable , this could make your relationship stronger.
                            Obviously if it happens again, then you know have to say “bye” for good .

                            Good luck !
                            It’s time to let go , you have to sacrifice the life you have for the life you want !

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              I am going through a similar situation. My guy did the same thing. I mean, are we dating the same guy? It's all so familiar. I've made my decision and maybe you should to. No body ever mistakingly has sex. They wanted to. You were the furthest thing from their mind at that moment. Afterwards is when they usually regret it. Been there. My problem is, I had trust issues after that. Which took away from our once healthy relationship. I'd stressed out. Which lead him to doing it again. I then became at fault. I should have ran from the beginning..but him assuring me that he wants to marry me, have kids, grow a business together, build a house is what kept me there. None of that ever happened, he just lead me to believe that I was the love of his life. But then, he slept with someone again. If it were unconditional love, he would have never lusted with that other woman in the first place. We always become blind and try to make since out of the situation. Making excuses for ourselves and defending the problem. It hurts like hell, but maybe you should move on. If you are married with a child, then maybe counseling can help. But if not, please leave him in the past. He must learn from his mistakes. Not you.

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