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  • Whatís next

    I have been with my husband for 12 years, but married for 2.
    Itís come to the point where all of the things I liked about him have become more complicated, turning into the things I hate about him. For example:
    He is so nice and caring. He is so nice and caring that he canít disappoint anybody under any circumstance ever. His undying need to please everyone gets in the way of our life daily. He has no backbone and canít defend any distinct beliefs or values because he has none. He has 0 opinion about anything because puts everyone elseís opinion on a pedestal. This is why EVERYONE likes him. Being liked by everyone is the most important thing to him.
    We are so compatible; all of his values reflect mine. But they donít actually, deep down. He does this to everyone. He sides with them. If he gets trapped in a conversation with 2 people with different opinions, he will either not state his opinion at all or find a way to side with both opinions.
    And those are just 2 examples.
    He wonít tell me when he is sick or hurt.
    He wonít tell me when he doesnít want to participate in an activity.
    He doesnít tell me when heís tired.
    He constantly lives in a state of ďwhatís the worst thing that could go on right nowĒ
    He is constantly assuming that my expectations are 700X higher than they are, even though I take extra special care to express that they are not.
    If I am sick or sad, he will avoid me at all costs.

    His whole being and self-identity is repressed. And I can tell because when itís happening, which is a few times per day, he become passive aggressive. He can never identify it in himself though.
    While he is in the passive aggressive state, he usually either:
    • He talks shit about himself in a very demeaning way, sometimes punches himself.
    • Botches whatever he is doing, even if itís something he has done 100 X properly, does not ask for help
    • Ignores me for hours on end, gives me half sentences if I try to talk to him.
    • Slams doors and handles items aggressively

    He lies to people for no reason that makes sense:
    • He told our neighbors that we were going on vacation this weekend 600 km away. We are not.
    • He told his family that I was visiting a friend whose mom had cancer, when I was actually just gone for a walk alone.
    • He lies to me about smoking even though we both speak about it on a regular basis.

    We were attending couples therapy. It would work while we were in the room but he could never continue with the good behavior for more than a week. We had to stop because our insurance ran out.

    He is very passive aggressive about therapy, often exclaiming something along the lines of: JUST DRUG ME UP BECAUSE IM SO FUCKED UP or I WAS RAISED TO BE LIKE THIS or I WANT TO CHANGE BUT I DONíT KNOW HOW (even though he does know how, we learnt in therapy). We also learned that while he was seeing an individual therapist before the coupleís therapist, he would lie to her to please her during the sessions, to keep her happy.

    Things I wish he was:
    • Truthful, honest
    • Decently confident
    • Opinionated and participate in important conversations, bringing different ideas to the table
    • Supportive emotionally

    These things are all pretty simple normal grown up behaviors that you would expect of any adult honestlyÖ I donít think I am asking for much.

    There are things I do like about him still. He is handy. He has knowledge in areas that I donít which is useful. He is always willing to help out, me or family or friends, or strangers. He does have good intentions.

    I definitely changed a lot for him. I am really careful not to criticize him, or speak to him in any kind of harsh tone. I donít surprise him with bad news. I ease him into difficult discussions and give him the time he needs to respond. I am constantly changing my sentence patterns because of the way he interprets my sentences, turning them into harsh expectations. I always keep my opinion a secret until he states his first. I read his body language a lot to try to figure out if he actually has a disinterest in something. I constantly cancel or postpone my plans so he can go out and see friends. If I want something, I say it directly so he doesnít have to guess ever. I give him lots of space.

    I guess I just feel like the change at this point needs to come from him but he has no interest in it. He just wonít do it. I donít know what to do anymore.

    I bring up divorce a lot, and how we arenít good partners. This doesnít do much. The last time he just looked up apartments and the laws of separation. I bring up the separate issues individually regularly as well and I just get the passive aggressive response.

    I am not sure what to do anymore.

  • #2
    Buy him a copy of Corey Wayne's book "How to be a 3% Man".
    Tell him he has to read it, and that there will be a test after he is done with it, and he has to pass the test.

    BTW - here is one of Corey Wayne's videos on the that very subject, didn't end well for the guy in that scenario. Maybe you or he can save yours.


    • #3
      I have been with my husband for 12 years, but married for 2.
      Surely you knew who he was and what he was like before you married him.

      You remind me of my ex sister in law who lived with her creep boyfriend for 10 years before she married him and then a year later, she fled the marriage and ended up not spitting the proceeds of the house they bought together or any of the other assets. She said she just wanted clear of him in all ways. WTF did she marry him, I asked her. She had no answer.

      Anyway, she's remarried twice since that fiasco. The first hubby after the creep died of cancer. She seems to be very happy with No.3

      Why are you suffering through this marriage? Don't keep threatening divorce... just end it because your codependent, people pleasing, milquetoast of a partner is NOT going to change. You know that, you've tried with him and it stays the status quo.

      I am not sure what to do anymore.
      You know exactly what to do, you're just too afraid after 14 years to go through the rehab from the addiction of him being in your life. You can't change him but you can change you and your own circumstances. Quit walking on eggshells and get started on leaving.

      Why DID you marry him?
      Last edited by phasesofthemoon; May 11th, 2018, 03:04 PM.
      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!