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Well it's over, did I do the right thing?

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  • Well it's over, did I do the right thing?

    I met her in October. Within a very short time we were saying to each other things like "You're my world," "you're my family," and "you're my soulmate." I told her that it took some restraint not to just go ahead and propose after a couple months.

    After not too long (just a few months in) I began to feel detached and disconnected from the relationship, and felt that I cannot commit long term, that I haven't had enough dating experience yet, nor had I reached a solid place in my own personal growth. Prior to meeting her I had been dating aggressively, putting all my energy into that instead of into any of my own personal interests. I was still experimenting, discovering, getting a sense of what I would want in a partner, and having a really good time having different experiences with different people.

    When I met her, I think what might have happened is that I got swept away in the infatuation so intensely because we were very compatible with each other in many ways, she had many core qualities and interests that I was always looking for in a partner, she was attractive, and she really liked me. It was a combination of things that hadn't actually happened before in my life, but in all honesty, I believe that any attractive girl who shared those same interests, if she had shown the same liking and desire for me that my ex did, would have inspired in me the same level of over-the-top excitement very early on.

    In any case, when I look up "signs you aren't ready for a relationship," I match a lot of them... I was spending too much energy on dating, I wasn't happy with myself and living a full life as a single person, I was seeking validation, I was still figuring out who exactly I am, and was trying on different identities for different women.. etc etc etc.

    I miss her a lot, and this is the hardest breakup of my life because we were so perfect together, and I can't give any logical reason why I didn't want to be with her, but I fought my own feelings for weeks on end before finally admitting to myself that I must just not be ready/capable of making that kind of commitment yet. I just wanted out, I was rehearsing breakup lines in my head for weeks. My feeling was that it's simply out of the question for me to go the rest of my life without ever experiencing new intimate connections with other women, and that I haven't even experienced enough to really know how to tell for sure whether I'm with someone that I want to make that kind of commitment with. I just got swept away and super excited because she had these qualities I had always looked for, and fell in love with me really fast, and offered me this super stable companionship, friendship, validation, great sex, etc. It was everything I could have wanted in the moment, but the thought of continuing long term and devoting myself to her in that way proved incompatible with my present emotional state.

    So I'm left feeling a little broken, I've never before in my life questioned whether or not I was capable of committing to a serious relationship, but now that I met someone so amazing, and found myself unable to commit... it leaves me feeling very lonely and broken.

    Do I trust that in the future when I'm ready to make a commitment to someone, that I will meet someone and be happy?

    How do I make sure to do what I need to do over the next few years to ensure that I will reach the point of being ready to commit with someone before I'm too old (I'm almost 28, but I lived an extremely sheltered life for a long time)?

    Did I do the right thing? Should I feel like a total broken failure? Or is it okay to just not be ready for a serious commitment yet, even if you were with what seemed like the girl of your dreams?

    Is it possible that it just didn't feel right with this girl for some reason and that I need to trust my feelings more and not worry so much? That maybe with the right person I'll feel differently?

    I just feel empty and missing her right now. But if we were together again I know I'd be rehearsing breakup lines in my head and feeling distant.
    Last edited by anonymous5; May 11th, 2018, 04:34 AM.

  • #2
    Dude i think you were not ready for a serious relationship,i don't think anyone get ready for it it just happen because youll never find a very perfect person,just tolerate where you cant change,seems you guys were compatible together,look for her and med

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    • #3
      Originally posted by anonymous5 View Post
      I met her in October. Within a very short time we were saying to each other things like "You're my world," "you're my family," and "you're my soulmate." I told her that it took some restraint not to just go ahead and propose after a couple months.

      After not too long (just a few months in) I began to feel detached and disconnected from the relationship, and felt that I cannot commit long term, that I haven't had enough dating experience yet, nor had I reached a solid place in my own personal growth. Prior to meeting her I had been dating aggressively, putting all my energy into that instead of into any of my own personal interests. I was still experimenting, discovering, getting a sense of what I would want in a partner, and having a really good time having different experiences with different people.

      When I met her, I think what might have happened is that I got swept away in the infatuation so intensely because we were very compatible with each other in many ways, she had many core qualities and interests that I was always looking for in a partner, she was attractive, and she really liked me. It was a combination of things that hadn't actually happened before in my life, but in all honesty, I believe that any attractive girl who shared those same interests, if she had shown the same liking and desire for me that my ex did, would have inspired in me the same level of over-the-top excitement very early on.

      In any case, when I look up "signs you aren't ready for a relationship," I match a lot of them... I was spending too much energy on dating, I wasn't happy with myself and living a full life as a single person, I was seeking validation, I was still figuring out who exactly I am, and was trying on different identities for different women.. etc etc etc.

      I miss her a lot, and this is the hardest breakup of my life because we were so perfect together, and I can't give any logical reason why I didn't want to be with her, but I fought my own feelings for weeks on end before finally admitting to myself that I must just not be ready/capable of making that kind of commitment yet. I just wanted out, I was rehearsing breakup lines in my head for weeks. My feeling was that it's simply out of the question for me to go the rest of my life without ever experiencing new intimate connections with other women, and that I haven't even experienced enough to really know how to tell for sure whether I'm with someone that I want to make that kind of commitment with. I just got swept away and super excited because she had these qualities I had always looked for, and fell in love with me really fast, and offered me this super stable companionship, friendship, validation, great sex, etc. It was everything I could have wanted in the moment, but the thought of continuing long term and devoting myself to her in that way proved incompatible with my present emotional state.

      So I'm left feeling a little broken, I've never before in my life questioned whether or not I was capable of committing to a serious relationship, but now that I met someone so amazing, and found myself unable to commit... it leaves me feeling very lonely and broken.

      Do I trust that in the future when I'm ready to make a commitment to someone, that I will meet someone and be happy?

      How do I make sure to do what I need to do over the next few years to ensure that I will reach the point of being ready to commit with someone before I'm too old (I'm almost 28, but I lived an extremely sheltered life for a long time)?

      Did I do the right thing? Should I feel like a total broken failure? Or is it okay to just not be ready for a serious commitment yet, even if you were with what seemed like the girl of your dreams?

      Is it possible that it just didn't feel right with this girl for some reason and that I need to trust my feelings more and not worry so much? That maybe with the right person I'll feel differently?

      I just feel empty and missing her right now. But if we were together again I know I'd be rehearsing breakup lines in my head and feeling distant.
      Sounds like you were simply not ready for a long term, serious relationship nor commitment legal or not. With all due respect, you have more growing up to do. You need to be more comfortable within your own skin, build self-confidence, build high self-esteem and then maybe you'll be ready for a long term girlfriend / boyfriend relationship and perhaps marriage someday.

      Yes, trust the future. You did your ex a huge favor by breaking up. She currently has the opportunity to settle down with another man while you figure out what you want to do with your life on your timeline. It's only fair. It wouldn't make sense to waste her time, energy and resources on you if there wasn't any hope for her future with you. No young lady in her right mind wishes to hang onto not knowing which direction this is headed.

      You make sure you give yourself plenty of time to think and think things through regarding what you want now, what you want in the future and what you're looking for in the future woman of your life. You're only 28 years old. That's not old. You have plenty of time to think how you're going to sort your life out. What's the hurry? There is no rush. Haste makes waste.

      Yes, you did the right thing. Never waste another person's time and energy if you're not serious. No, you shouldn't feel like a total broken failure. Consider this time a fresh start to get your head in order. Yes, it's ok not to be ready for a serious commitment yet. The girl of your dreams was not within your timing and maturity level yet so it was best to cut her loose so both of you can have your freedom.

      Yes, it's possible that you didn't feel right with this girl and it's possible you may feel differently with a future woman in your life.

      It's a great big world out there. However, remember this: A great person regardless of gender is extremely difficult to find. Most of the time, you just have to be very lucky to find "thee one." I've heard many people say that you should never let a good one get away because sometimes there are regrets and regrets are horrible to live with. I've been happily married for a long time and once I found my husband, I snatched him up right away! I wasn't about to let him go and it was the smartest decision I've ever made. He has given me a great life.

      I'm sorry you feel empty and missing her right now. What's done is done. Once you figure out what you want in life and when, it means you will grow up and mature over time whether it takes months or years. When you're ready someday, you'll know. Try not to beat yourself up about this. This too shall pass.

      "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by anonymous5 View Post

        Do I trust that in the future when I'm ready to make a commitment to someone, that I will meet someone and be happy?

        How do I make sure to do what I need to do over the next few years to ensure that I will reach the point of being ready to commit with someone before I'm too old (I'm almost 28, but I lived an extremely sheltered life for a long time)?

        Did I do the right thing? Should I feel like a total broken failure? Or is it okay to just not be ready for a serious commitment yet, even if you were with what seemed like the girl of your dreams?

        Is it possible that it just didn't feel right with this girl for some reason and that I need to trust my feelings more and not worry so much? That maybe with the right person I'll feel differently?

        I just feel empty and missing her right now. But if we were together again I know I'd be rehearsing breakup lines in my head and feeling distant.
        I responded to your issue a whole lot in your other thread. I'm actually glad you broke up with her because it was a sorry state of affairs and your thoughts were alarming during the relationship. I don't know how a woman could have put up with that for so long despite your chemistry. Don't be afraid that you aren't ready to commit. Society has ingrained in us that coupling up and having successful relationships makes us inherently successful people but it's a load of baloney. I started late just like you (older than you) before I started really looking at myself and understanding the qualities I had to have and what I wanted in a relationship. All this self-flagellation during and after is not normal and knowing your penchant for dwelling excessively on minor issues, I'm worried about you - that you'll actually dwell on this for a lot longer than you should. You made a decision so stick with it and don't look back.

        What you're dealing with is most likely guilt for hurting someone when you didn't intend to. After breaking up with someone who was respectful and kind to you, that is normal. The only time I broke up with someone and didn't care if he lived or died was an ex who manipulated and emotionally abused me for years. Get to know yourself more. Date casually if you have to but make it clear you are not looking for any commitments. Make sure you understand why you're looking for a relationship and if it's to get over someone or fill a void in your existence or if it's because you are so lonely you have no idea what to do with yourself, re-evaluate and ask yourself why. Be independent and be stronger. Rely on yourself more for your own happiness.

        Comment


        • #5
          Iím definitely feeling a lot of guilt. And itís also hard to say no to a beautiful, smart, wonderful woman who was ready to devote her life to you. But I guess I have to want that too... and I just didnít, for whatever reason?

          I miss her a lot. But I guess what youíre saying is to just have more confidence and not doubt myself so much, and listen to my feelings more?

          I recently started a new creative project, which is definitely whatís making me feel the most grounded right now, and that feels good, cause itís about me and my artistic expression and fulfilling myself as an individual and an artist.

          I know I didnít want to be with her, but it just sucks. I donít understand why I didnít want it, and I miss her.
          Last edited by anonymous5; May 11th, 2018, 04:21 PM.

          Comment


          • #6
            I just feel empty and missing her right now. But if we were together again I know I'd be rehearsing breakup lines in my head and feeling distant.
            Don't you dare contact her because YOU are lonely. Give her zero contact so she can get over you and find someone who knows a good thing when they see it.

            You aren't ready. That's the gist of it. Go forth and conquer. You'll know soon enough if you're afraid of commitment or you just need to sow a few wild oats. Be honest to anyone you're dating and don't get caught up in the "I could have asked her to marry me in the first two weeks" new relationship energy.
            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

            Comment


            • #7
              Totally agree with Rose Mosse and phasesofthemoon . Sounds like you made the best decision for the both of you.
              Sorry, but you need to allow yourself to go through these emotions. That's how you grow. Don't contact her at all. And please don't allow her back into your life if she makes contact. She deserves respect.
              in the future, by learning how to love yourself and love your own company, you will know when you are ready. Learn thatv1. Take yourvtime in future relationships. 2. Please don't use the L word in a couole of weeks! It's not possible! 3. Go date and enjoy yourself but be honest with others AND yourself. A little bit of self reflection goes a long way

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              • #8
                Yeah I'm not gonna contact her. We had a lot of closure conversations over text already over the past few days. This is just heartbreaking though. I felt a bliss and euphoria with her that I had never known before. I literally felt like my union with her was filling the entire universe with love, and everything would be perfect forever after because of being with her. I felt that, for several weeks on end.

                Today I felt more depressed and lonely than I ever have in my life, and am missing her like crazy, but did not contact her. I made the mistake of going to a bustling bar scene tonight to try and get excited about pursuing other girls, but it had the opposite effect. Now I'm back home working on my project and feeling better.

                Comment


                • #9
                  I'm having a really, really rough time. I miss her like crazy, I feel broken, empty, and like she was actually my world and my family, and like I want to be with her, but know that I can't, because even if she'd take me back, I'd again push her away because of "not knowing what else is out there" or whatever.

                  I don't know what to do.

                  I've never had a breakup like this before. I've also never before really broken up with anyone in my life (me instigating the breakup), let alone someone as amazing as her.... is this maybe just what breaking up with someone amazing feels like? Even if you know you didn't want it?

                  She is truly amazing, and she was ready to devote her life to me. And I said "No thanks." Why? Why didn't my euphoria from the first few months sustain over time? I don't understand. There was no reason for my feelings to change.

                  But I know that I didn't want it. I remember. We had this trip planned for late June, and I just kept thinking "just stay with her until then at least.... it'll be too much of a headache to cancel the trip..." and I knew that I'd have to break up with her shortly after the trip. I would rehearse breakup lines in my head all the time. It was just a matter of working up the guts to do it. This was the case for months on end, with the exception of a week here and there where I felt more connected to her in the moment and felt really happy.

                  I resisted my feeling of not wanting it for a long time. I remember clearly how unhappy and anxious I felt and how honest it would have felt to say "I don't want to be in this relationship."

                  And now that we're broken up.... I feel broken in half. I feel like every cell in my body wants her back in my arms. I feel certain that she is it, that she's my soul mate.

                  We have been communicating by text on and off since the breakup, and she says that it was super clear that I didn't want her and didn't really love her anymore, and that her only guess as to why I'm feeling this now is a "wanting what I can't have" kind of thing, and that she can't imagine that it's truly genuine. Do you think she's right? Or am I just engaging in an OCD thought pattern, "what could have been?" Am I getting hung up on the fact that SHE wanted me, and neglecting to acknowledge that maybe I just didn't want her? Is it possible to not want someone without understanding why you don't want them?

                  Why did I feel, in the first few months, as though I had found "it," like my life was now whole, like I found my world, my love, my joy, my family, like with her by my side I was set, the search for happiness was over. Why did I feel that? Where did that feeling come from (never felt that before), and why did it go away so fast?
                  Last edited by anonymous5; May 20th, 2018, 04:55 AM.

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